Dare to Submit (13 page)

“Which didn’t make your mother happy.”

She shook her head. “She came down even harder on me because she was also frustrated, and I felt pressure to lose the weight but … I couldn’t not eat. So I started to … purge. And it became a vicious cycle.”

“God.” His voice sounded low and raw.

Like he was hurting, for her. The thought amazed her.

“How did you stop?” he asked.

The answer to that was easy. “I got caught.”

He groaned. “What did your mother do?”

She let out a laugh. “Not by my mother. A teacher walked into the school bathroom looking for someone. When I came out, she was waiting. She asked if I wanted to go to the nurse and call home because I was sick. Once again, my emotions got the best of me, and I burst into tears and revealed everything. She was so kind and wanted to help. She took me to the school psychologist.”

His arms were locked around her, her head on his chest, and she found comfort in the steady beat of his heart. “I was so lucky that I found someone who really understood. And because she cared, I really wanted to please her. I wanted to get better, to like
me
.”

“Did your mother know about your issues?”

“The psychologist tried to talk to her. She just said I was using any excuse to eat or get attention.” She shrugged. “We had to work around her.”

“What about your dad? I want to ask if he stood up for you, but given all you’ve told me—”

She shook her head and confirmed his thoughts. “Dad’s a good guy, but Mom runs the show. She wears the pants, says jump, and he asks how high.”

“I should give him a lesson or two in taking control of women.”

She grinned, that thought lightening the moment. “Yeah, can we not talk about my father and …
that
?”

He laughed and agreed.

Her heart pounded hard in her chest, as if she’d run hard and fast and now needed to come down from the rush. To her amazement, she’d bared her soul. And he was still here, not judging. She was grateful to Decklan for that—and so much more.

Decklan didn’t know how he managed to laugh after hearing about the childhood Amanda had endured. What a mess. The people who were supposed to love and protect her hadn’t. She’d had no experience with a father figure who taught her about her own self-worth. Not like Lucy, who’d had a father who thought she hung the moon and the stars, Decklan thought.

No wonder Amanda responded to dominance like someone starved for guidance and affection. He couldn’t help but marvel at her strength in coping and overcoming. Finally, all the pieces of the puzzle that was Amanda fell into place.

“Just know you deserved better,” he said, wrapping one hand around the back of her neck, tipping her head, and pulling her in for a deep kiss. One that told her she was most definitely wanted, needed … and most definitely loved.

Yeah, he was feeling the emotion. He didn’t need a dictionary to spell it out for him. Nor did he intend to do so for Amanda. For one thing, he needed time to adjust to the heady emotions and what went along with them. Not to mention the absolute stark fear that he could wake up one day and she’d be gone. After all, he’d experienced it for himself once before.

THIRTEEN

O
ne month passed, during which Amanda felt like she was living a dream. One she’d never allowed herself to have. During the week, she performed a job she loved, scheduling conferences for Brad, handling his daily affairs, and joking with her best friend. And on the weekends, she saw Decklan. Either he flew to D.C. or she traveled to New York. They fell into a routine, one she was beginning to believe could last—if she could delicately extricate herself from Brad’s life.

She didn’t know how he’d feel about them
breaking up
and him having to dodge his father’s requests that he bring a date to the many functions that routinely came up for the senator and his family. And if the man ran for president, as was widely rumored—not that he’d made a decision but Brad said he was close—then those events would be even more important and prominent.

But she couldn’t help but feel it was time, and she didn’t doubt he’d understand. She’d give him whatever leeway he needed to break the news to his father. But she needed to tell Decklan everything. There was no question she trusted him not to make the news public. And he deserved the truth.

Midweek, the telephone in the office rang, startling her out of her thoughts. “Hello, Ritter’s World,” she said, smiling, always amused by the company name. Bradley had refused to succumb to the mundane or anything corporate-sounding, like Ritter Software or Ritter, Inc.

“Amanda? It’s Stephan Ritter.”

She sat up straighter in her seat. “Senator!” She wished she’d checked caller ID before answering. “How are you?”

“How many times do I have to tell you, call me Stephan? How would it look for my future daughter-in-law to be so formal with me?” he asked.

Her hand started to shake, and her stomach accompanied it with a silent roll. “Stephan, you know you’re getting ahead of yourself.”

“It’s just a matter of time,” he said with certainty. “If my son can get his head out of his computer long enough to think straight, I’m certain it will be sooner rather than later. How are you?” he asked.

“Fine,” she managed to say without choking on the word. She’d never had a problem talking to Brad’s father before, but she’d never had regrets about her situation either.

“I’m just calling to ask you and Bradley to be at my fund-raiser in New York on Sunday.”

She glanced at the big desk calendar she kept up to date in case Brad wanted a quick glance. “Is this something new? Because I don’t see it on the schedule.”

He chuckled at that. “Yes, I have news, and I want my family there for the announcement.”

“Umm …”

He laughed. “Let my son make use of that fancy private plane of his,” Stephan said.

She and Decklan hadn’t decided who would be making the trip where yet, but it looked like she’d be heading to Manhattan. “Sure. I’ll let Brad know,” she assured the senator.

“That’s great. The family angle is an important one to the party. So wear your Sunday finest. It’s at The Plaza.”

She winced at the mention of his political allies.

“Okay, have to go make more calls. I’ll see you this weekend.” He hung up before she could reply.

She leaned back in her chair and groaned.

“Anything wrong?” Brad walked out of his office, wearing a Suicide Bunny tee shirt and a pair of faded jeans. Not an outfit his father’s political cronies would approve of.

“No, but you’re going to have to free up your Sunday.” She pushed her chair back and rose to her feet. “I just spoke to your father. He wants us to be at an important fund-raiser at The Plaza.”

“Oh shit. Seriously? I promised Keith we’d go to a show on Sunday.” Brad stalked to the window and looked out over the city. “Can we get out of this one?”

“It didn’t sound like it. He pushed the family angle and mentioned how important it was to the party.”

Well, maybe she could see Decklan before, talk to him and explain things before she made her appearance with Brad. But first she’d have to tell Brad what she was thinking.

She rubbed her temples, feeling a headache forming.

“Amanda?” Brad snapped his finger near her ear, and she jumped. “I asked if you were okay.”

She’d been so lost in thought she hadn’t heard or seen him come up beside her. “Yes, but—”

Before she could continue, her phone beeped, announcing a text message, and she picked it up from her desk. Decklan’s name showed above the message.

Shift change this weekend. Working. Not free till Sunday.

Her stomach twisted with disappointment. Though she’d just seen him this past weekend, every pore in her body missed him. Craved him.

Her phone beeped again.

I’ll try to get off Monday so we have two days. Can you swing it?

When she didn’t answer right away, her phone went off once more.
I’ll show you a good time.

“That was Decklan, wasn’t it?” Brad asked.

She met his gaze and nodded.

“You’ve seen him every weekend this past month. It’s become serious.”

Again, she nodded. “Brad, I have to tell him about our situation. I don’t want to keep any more secrets. I hope or at least I think he’ll understand.”

She swallowed over the lump of fear in her throat. The fear that he’d reject her. It was so ingrained to think the people in her life would find her lacking or turn on her in some way.

Speaking of, she glanced at her best friend, whose brows were furrowed in thought. “Brad? Say something.” She didn’t want to lose her best friend either.

“I get it. Of course I do.” He glanced toward the window, his expression sad. “Keith hasn’t been happy with me or our situation.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shrugged. “Things were so simple at the beginning. And we were so happy. We met at a political rally, remember? I went undercover because it was a liberal, pro-gay marriage gathering and the senator’s son couldn’t be caught there.”

She laughed. “I remember the baseball cap and the dark glasses. And that awful beard. Not your best look.” She shook her head, unable to stop grinning at the memory.

“Yeah, well, Keith thought it was pretty funny too. One look at the guy, one conversation, and I knew what he made me feel … was different.”

She blew out a breath. “I get that. What Decklan and I have is different too. Intense. Important.” He looked at her like no one else existed or mattered. “But I won’t sacrifice you. Not even for a guarantee of happily ever after.” Not that Decklan was offering that. Not that she knew what he wanted. She never allowed him to say. She’d been too afraid. “I just need to put all my cards on the table. We can figure it all out afterwards.”

Brad placed a hand over hers. “I’m proud of you. And I need to think about doing the same thing. I know that in here.” He pointed to his heart. “I’m just so afraid of screwing up all my father worked for.”

“I understand. I don’t want to be the one to do that either. But I do trust Decklan with our truth.” Even if he didn’t like what he learned, he wouldn’t reveal it to anyone.

Brad pulled her into a hug. “And I trust you. You’re right. We’ll figure it out.”

She squeezed him tight before stepping back. “You’ve always been there for me, the wall between me and any relationship.”

Because after that humiliating mess with losing her virginity, she’d gone off to college. Met Brad. And let him be her buffer.

“If I liked someone, I wouldn’t invest myself, and I’d say it was because you needed me and I would never do anything to hurt you. And I wouldn’t. But Decklan pushed through my walls, and I realize now … I used you as an excuse not to put myself out there.”

He inclined his head. “And sex in a BDSM club did the same thing. I’m almost sorry I suggested that to you. It kept you from reaching for more.”

She shook her head, knowing for sure that the club had done wonders for her self-esteem. “That freed me. I needed the protection the rules provided me.” And she loved the ability to get out of her own head for a while.

But Decklan was real. He was a man who’d cracked her shell and brought her to life and gave her the rules and protection when she needed it.

Another beep from her cell. She glanced down.

Make it work. I want us—just you. Me. Lots of touching involved.

Oh my God.

Decklan was offering her all of him. Her stomach curled with a whole host of emotions. Warmth, desire, gratitude, and … fear. Because she was about to give him the same thing. Her ultimate trust.

“Hey. Are you okay?” Brad asked.

She managed a nod, pushing back the old insecurities that rose up. Because though he was giving her what she wanted, at the heart of everything was the ingrained belief that if her own mother found her lacking, how long before any man she let into her life would do the same?

But Decklan had stood up to her mother for her. And he didn’t view her as the Amanda her mother saw. No one had given her such a gift before.

She glanced at Brad. “I’m good.”

He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Well, if you can find the guts to invest in a real, honest relationship, maybe I can find the
cajones
to come out of the closet.”

She shook her head and groaned. “Boy, are we a pair.”

“Always have been,” he agreed. “And we always will be. If nothing else in this life, you and me? We’re solid.” He placed a kiss on her cheek.

“You’re the best.” She stepped back and looked at the message on her phone.

Gathering her courage, she replied.
I can be at your place Sunday around five.

His reply came immediately.

I’ll be waiting.

Once Brad left the room, she sat down at her desk and realized she was shaking. Instead of letting the panic engulf her as she always did, she forced herself to think more clearly. She understood exactly where her fear came from. If she kept up this main barrier to a relationship, she remained safe. But Amanda no longer wanted to live her life making Brad’s easier so she didn’t feel things. No. She wanted more of the bright colors of life that Decklan provided.