Dare to Love (19 page)

‘What, here!’ I exclaim in hushed tones.

‘Nobody will see.’ He’s so deadpan, I can’t tell if he’s joking.

‘There’s a man over there.’

He turns to look at the man sitting on the bench. ‘He’s eating and reading his book – he won’t notice.’

‘And them?’ I nod at a couple who have come to sit at one of the other tables.

‘They look deaf to me,’ he says, turning back to me. I laugh out loud. ‘Now there you go, drawing attention to us.’

We hold each other silently for a while before he says, ‘Are you going to slip it in then?’

‘What’s your HIV status?’ I whisper in his ear.

Now
he
laughs out loud. I look at him puzzled.

‘I’ve never been asked that before.’

‘What never?’

‘Never.’

‘But I’m asking you now.’ I watch his eyes intently for signs of shiftiness.

‘Negative of course,’ he says, part mocking, part serious. ‘Well, as we’re on the subject, what’s yours?’

‘Negative.’ And as I say it I realise that I don’t know, as I’ve never been tested. Richard and I have been together for so long we just sort of assumed we both were. Now I wonder if there are other things I don’t know about him. Maybe while I’m busy worrying about Grant’s HIV status, it’s him that should be worried about mine. This is not something I’ve ever thought about because the need has never arisen. Now I wonder how many other married women feel falsely secure.

He pulls me close again and we lay quietly with our thoughts.

‘So, are you going to slip it in?’ he interrupts mine.

‘I bet you don’t have a condom,’ I say jokingly.

‘Bet I do.’ He pulls one out of his pocket. ‘Have you never done it outside?’

‘No, and I’m not about to start here.’

‘Go on, live dangerously, just slip it in.’

I sit up and straddle him. He smiles expectantly. I slowly unbutton his shirt, exposing his tightly curled peppercorn hairs and kiss his nipple. He moans softly as I move to the other one. I sit on his bayonet, feel it hard against my panties. This time I know I’m teasing.

‘Come on baby, look how close you are, no one gonna see any difference, no one gonna know, just slip it in, go on just slip it in for me baby.’

His phone rings. He reaches for it, looks at the screen.

‘Oh shoot!’ his face changes. ‘I forget.’

‘Forget what?’

‘Melissa coming over tonight. She say she want to talk. I have to pick her up from work.’

‘When?’

‘In about half hour.’

‘So you need to go now.’ It was more a statement than question.

‘No I have to leave in half hour.’

He tries to pull me back to him but the atmosphere’s changed. Suddenly his girlfriend’s joined us and I feel even more exposed than to the three people at the tables. I climb off him, smooth out my skirt and sit on the mat. He sits up, put his arm around my shoulder, kisses my neck.

‘Sorry babes, I thought I’d better be honest. You not jealous are you?’

‘Why should I be?’ I say lightly as I picture him with a voluptuous twenty year old, breast plump and proud, long legs, hour glass figure, sensuous hips, smooth skin glowing from years in the sun, snake like charm. ‘No, I’m not jealous,’ I lie.

‘You sure?’

‘Why should I be?’ It comes out a little more sharply than I expect. ‘Let’s go.’

He opens his mouth to say something, thinks better of it and closes it again.

We gather up the mats and head back to the car. I force myself to be bright and breezy while trying to force the image of him and Melissa out of my head.

‘Can I see you tomorrow?’ he asks while negotiating a tight bend.

‘Will she let you out?’ I sneer.

‘Don’t be like that. I’d love to see you tomorrow.’

‘I’m going to look around Concord.’

‘I could come with you,’ he suggests gaily.

‘I’ve arranged to go with Celia’s friends.’ More lies. I don’t want him to think I’m always available for him.

‘What time you going to be free? I really want to see you tomorrow. I’m just so sorry I have to go now.’

I don’t answer because I’m wondering what the hell I’m doing with this child of a man who’s tugging at my heart as well as my groin.

‘What time Josi?’ he asks as he pulls up outside Celia’s apartment.

‘Ten o’clock.’

‘So what time can I see you?’

‘About two.’

‘OK, can’t wait.’

He reaches to kiss me but I can’t do it knowing he’s on his way to pick up Melissa.

Grant

I can’t believe what just happen. I can still feel her mouth on my cock, every
tongue stroke, every slide, every nibble. I don’t want to wash off her scent but I can’t risk anything with Mel. I have a quick shower and change and get there just as she coming out of work. She get in the car and shut the door.

‘What you looking so happy about?’ She have a real sour look on her face.

‘Hi Grant, how was your day?’ I ask in a mock American drawl.

‘Don’t get funny with me.’ She obviously not in the mood for joking.

‘Not a good one then?’ I turn on the engine.

‘No.’

I turn the music up loud and we don’t speak again till we get home.

‘Where are my flip flops?’ she ask as soon as she step in the bedroom.

‘Where you leave them.’

‘I leave them right here by the side of the bed.’

‘Then they must still be there.’

She take off her jacket and go to hang it up in the wardrobe.

‘What are my flip flops doing in the wardrobe?’

I don’t answer, pretend I don’t hear. ‘What are my flip flops doing in the wardrobe, Grant?’ she ask louder.

‘You asking me like I would know. I don’t wear them.’

She look puzzled, give me a strange look but drop the subject. I breathe a silent sigh of relief. I hope I remember to put everything else back in the right place.

The next day, I drop Mel at work as usual and come straight back home. Josi on a island tour all day. I might as well check the internet to see if anything come up that I can try for. One of the guys from the last project say there might be some work in Grand Cayman. If he get to manage it he want me to go with him. I’m pinning a lot of hope on it but I know it might not come off. A lot of projects getting cancelled all across the Caribbean. I drink a couple glasses of Hennessey and watch a couple DVDs. Josi’s call is the highlight of my day. She up in St Lucy telling me how beautiful she think it is. She’s the one thing I have to look forward to. She getting back about three thirty, round about the same time I have to leave to pick up Mel, but there’s no reason I can’t meet her later. I tell her to call me when she get back.

As soon as I get in from picking up Mel my phone ring. It’s Sammy. He wants me to come and pick up some liquor for him. I don’t really want to do this job but is the only money I have coming in right now.

‘Sammy, I just get in, just getting some food.’

‘I need you now man. Some people been sniffing round here, I have to move it fast.’ He sound agitated.

‘All right.’

I tell Mel I have to run back out to street, I’ll be back soon. She want to know where I’m going. I tell her I’ll be back soon. She knows I move things for Sammy but I don’t tell her when or where because I don’t want her to get mixed up in it. As soon as I can get some money from my business or get a job I’m going to drop Sammy. Me and him go back a long way but it’s getting too dangerous to know him now. Is not just the liquor him doing, it’s a lot of other things.

I meet Sammy at a warehouse in Bridgetown. He’s in a big hurry, say the police been sniffing round the place asking questions and he have to get the things out quick. I fold down the back seats to fit in the boxes of white rum and help him load them up. He keep checking his phone, say he’s expecting a text. We just driving off when a police car pass by. They look at the number plate, but thank God they can’t see inside the car. I’m sweating. My instinct is to put my foot down and get the hell out of there but that would only attract attention so I control my speed.

I drop the boxes off at a house in St James, get my money from Sammy and head straight back home. I switch off my phone. I don’t want any more calls tonight, especially as Sammy tell me he give my number to another friend. Tell him he can trust me for removals. I keep seeing the police looking at my number plate. When I get home I tight as a drum. I pour myself a Hennessey and switch on the TV.

It’s half past nine and Darron still don’t come back from school. Mel say he don’t tell her he going to be late, and he certainly don’t have my permission to be out, especially as he’s still grounded. I use Mel’s phone to call his cell but he don’t pick up.

‘You think something happen to him?’ Mel sound worried.

‘I think the boy taking advantage.’ I’m angry because I don’t want her to hear the fear I’m feeling. There’s plenty temptation for fourteen year old boys out there, but he’s Guyanese and if anything happen, he the first one they going to point the finger at. I keep trying to warn him but his head so hard he not listening.

He don’t understand the tightrope we walk on this island. They tolerate us because we skilled and we cheap. But as soon as anything go wrong they lay us off first. We the ones they blame for all the crimes here; they ready to tar every GT man with the same brush. They accuse us of taking they jobs and they women. They don’t ask themselves what we give to they women – or consider how we work twice as hard as a Bajan for half the money. They don’t think about how we get harassed by the police when they bored and have nothing to do.

I just getting ready to go and look for him when he come through the kitchen door. I so tight with anxiety, so relieved when he come in that I grab him by his shoulders and push him against the wall.

‘Where you was Darron? You know what time it is? Why you don’t answer your phone? You know what time you suppose to be in this house. Where you was till now?’

He looking scared, real scared.

‘You hurting me Daddy.’ That’s when I realise that my fingers digging into his shoulders. I let go of him and look at my hands. The last thing I want to do is hurt my son, but I so scared for what will happen to him. Everybody will think I fail if he get into trouble. So many people think a man can’t raise children without a woman. I look at him and look at my hands again. I never want to see that look in his eyes again.

‘Where you was, Darron?’

‘I stayed over at Bungee’s to finish my science project.’ His voice shaking.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I send you a text Daddy.’

‘My phone’s off. Why didn’t you answer when I ring you from Mel’s phone?’

‘My battery dead.’

I look at him, thinking what I can say without losing face to him in front of Mel. I’ve fucked this one up badly. I know it and they know it.

‘Just don’t do it again.’ I go and sit back down in front of the TV.

‘You want some food?’ Mel ask him.

‘I had dinner at Bungee’s.’

He goes to his room and Mel goes to ours, like the two of them avoiding me. I hate what I doing to the two of them. I need to get some regular money soon.

When I switch my phone on in the morning I see the text from Darron, a missed call from a number I don’t recognise and a missed call from Josi. I pick up two messages, one from somebody called Len, a friend of Sammy, and one from Josi. I miss two important calls for fear of getting one I don’t want. I’m going to have to make it up to both of them. I tell Darron I’ll be home tonight and we need to have a talk. I want him to come straight home. If he need help with his work I will help him. He not too happy about it but he agree.

I go outside to the car and phone Josi about four or five times. She don’t pick up. I leave a message telling her how sorry I am for missing her call last night and ask her to phone me. I put a bag with my shorts, towel and a few magazines in the car. All the way taking Mel to work I expect to get a call. When she don’t ring I decide to go straight to the beach, see if she there.

She walking with a man when I get there. Must be one of her running partners. He look older than her. I watch their backs till they turn round and start coming toward me. She deep in conversation with him and it take her a while to spot me and come over. She don’t look excited to see me like last time. Maybe she mad because I don’t call back last night.

‘Hi.’ She standing a good two foot from me. She look stiff.

‘Hi, you been here long?’ I smile, trying to appear light but the signal I getting from her is definitely cold.

‘Yeah, just cooling down. I’ve got another five lengths to go. Karl’s doing them with me.’

I don’t know what to say. She treating me like a stranger.

‘Can you wait till I’ve finished?’

‘Yeah, I guess.’ I don’t have nowhere to go so I might as well wait.

‘OK, see you in a bit,’ and she back off to Karl.