Dangerous (5 page)

That sounded scary but survivable, though I wasn’t sure how I felt about her polyamory. At least she wasn’t likely to cling, like most of the people I’d dated.

Val took my silence as consent, and plunged on.

“You’d still have your own life, your job, your freedom, everything you have now. But when you’re with me, I am your Keeper. As my doll you must do exactly as I say…until you decide to not to. And don’t worry about expenses, I’ll cover whatever comes up. Clothing and travel, for example. All I demand for my efforts is your attention. And your willingness to follow the rules."

“What do
you
get out of all this, Val?”

She didn’t even pause to think about it. “When I show you what’s buried deep within you, the shock will be profound. That moment—when a doll confronts her true self—that’s what I live for.” Her face glowed with the memory of past feasts.

I didn’t say anything, but feared I’d prove a disappointment. I considered myself a well-adjusted person with no major hang-ups. No abuse, no traumas, no Electra complex.

She set down her glass and sat a bit straighter. “Think carefully, Koishi. Shall we proceed to the next stage? I’m not asking for a commitment, just determining your interest."

No. Yes. I didn’t know.

My voice had fled, and Val savored my indecision. This was madness. But it also promised adventure and an end to loneliness.

Unlike my previous relationships, Val’s plan had the allure of a complete travel package with everything decided, nothing left to chance, if only I would sign the dotted line. A perfect antidote to the soul-sucking experience of Norman, who had expected me to fill the twin voids of his need and insecurity. I worked too hard, too many hours a day, to be someone’s Mommy
and
their lover.

And I had the safeword if things got too weird.

After long seconds she added, “I promise to catch you.”

Then I remembered her little game of trust, my fear shattering into joy, the long glow after.

I whispered, “Yes."

“Excellent. In that case, I have a task for you.” She reached in her purse and handed me a pretty envelope with
Koishi
written on the front. For a moment I admired her distinctive, anachronistic cursive. “Everything you need to begin is inside that envelope. Complete the task exactly as instructed, and we’ll discuss the next step.”

“Um, do I open it now?”

“No, wait until you’re home. Is that clear? And you must follow the instructions to the best of your ability."

I nodded, again. “Okay, I can do that."

“Wonderful! And now I must be going. You may stay if you like."

I shook my head, “Nah. To tell the truth I’m not very fond of this music."

Val laughed. “How curious. Neither am I.” She stood and looked deeply into my eyes for a moment.

“Ta,” she said. And she was off.

3     
leap of faith

I WAS GOOD. I resisted the temptation to pull over and open Val’s envelope for fear my face would betray me later, should she ask. And I wasn’t eager to know what she might do then.

It was another kind of test, of course. Would she tail me, hoping I’d cheat? But that was just paranoia. I’d watched her drive away in her…well, what exactly
was
that thing?

Val’s car had been parked three spots ahead of mine, and looked exactly like a black Lotus Elise: sleek, low, removable top. Standing beside my open car door I watched her deactivate the alarm and get in smartly, without a backward glance or a wave. I waited for the growl of a high performance engine, but it never came. All I heard was the throb of industrial music from deep-throated speakers as it executed a sharp U-turn and was
gone
. Like a giant slot car, it accelerated with an electric whine and the song of tires on asphalt. I’d seen electric vehicles before, but a sports car? It must have cost a fortune. Here, at least, was one thing about Val that wasn’t Victorian, which I found reassuring.

At any rate, tailing people didn’t strike me as Val’s style. But tonight I had entered a world where such things were possible. That little film noir detail gave me a renewed appreciation for the strange turn my life had taken. Nevertheless, my rear-view mirror remained empty of her low, slanted headlights all the way home.

Once inside, I put the unopened envelope on my dining room table and prepared for bed. My curiosity had given way to a fear that the moment I opened it I’d be less free, somehow.

So I unhurriedly let down my hair, took out my earrings, and put on some sweats. Then I washed my face, brushed my teeth, fed the fish. The whole nightly ritual.

Twenty minutes later I anxiously slipped my finger under the flap of the envelope. Inside was a note and another envelope. The note said:

Koishi,

I’ll be out of town until Sunday, January 6th. You have that long to complete this task. I’ll want to see the video then.

—Val

I turned over the second, unmarked envelope. It was unsealed. Inside were five one-hundred dollar bills paper-clipped to an expensive, four-color business card.

The moment I read the printing on the card, I knew exactly what she had planned for me.

“Oh. My. God.” I said in disbelief. And screamed.

§

The next day, with trembling hands, I called the number on the card to schedule a session. The earliest they could fit me in was Saturday, the fifth. Though every fiber of my being begged me to hang up, I made an appointment for 2 pm.

And on that Saturday afternoon I screamed again—screamed and screamed and
screamed
for long seconds as I arched spread-eagled within my harness, writhing against the straps which held me secure. I did not even notice the video camera moving just a few feet away, impassively recording my ordeal. Every nerve in my body exploded with this unimaginable assault upon my senses. The immensity of what was happening, my adrenaline crackling, my sense of time simultaneously collapsing and expanding into one eternal Now—pushed me into a realm of experience beyond anything I’d ever endured before. It felt like dying and being reborn to a world where the rules were completely different, and there was no solid ground any more; only falling, endless falling.

Now that I was committed, there was no way to stop. Begging was pointless. There was only doing, only surviving, being transformed into a ball of pure experience.

And when it was over and I could finally speak again, the first breathless word from my mouth was, “Again!” I didn’t care how much it cost. I had to have more.

And we—my trainer and I—did it again.

§

Val’s house was high in the Calabasas Hills at the end of a cul-de-sac. It was half as large as Brent’s but still light-years beyond anything I would ever afford. Whatever she did with computers, it paid well.

I rang the doorbell and waited, holding my purse in one hand and a DVD in the other. A middle-aged woman in a maid’s outfit opened the door. She seemed to be expecting me.

“I’m here to see Val. I mean, Miss Stregazzi,” I said meekly.

Without a word she motioned me inside and closed the big door. She led me to a study with blood-red velvet walls, heavy drawn curtains, and shelves of books along one wall. Flames crackled in a small fireplace. There was a low coffee table surrounded by a couch and three chairs. The maid motioned for me to sit, and left.

I took a place on the couch and spent the next few minutes adjusting to the sudden quiet after my windy, sunlit drive up the canyon road. A grandfather clock ticked in the corner. The overhead lights were dimmed, and most of the light in the room came from warm halogen spots targeting various features: a painting, sculptures on a shelf, the art books arranged neatly on the table before me. The room had the same ambiance as an art museum, a kind of reverent hush.

“Hello, Koishi,” said Val as she strode in; hair up again, wearing a heather-gray turtleneck sweater and slacks. She stood near the couch and regarded me with pleasure.

I stood up. “Hi, Val.”

“Well. I expect you found my test memorable. And I see you brought the video. Let’s have it, then, that’s a good girl."

I surrendered the disk, bursting inside but unsure whether to speak, or what I could possibly say. She hadn’t yet said anything requiring a response, and I was still gun-shy from our first game of
yes
or
no
.

Without a word, the maid brought tea and bustled off. I was too nervous to touch it.

Val opened a large entertainment kiosk and slid the disk into a player, nestled among a stack of various playback devices. The wide-screen TV came to life. And together—as I sat on the couch, she on the chair opposite—we watched what the camera had recorded just yesterday, so recently my nerves still jangled from the experience.

The video began with a simple title of white letters over black:

Koishi’s First Jump—01/05/2008

It was a strange, out-of-body experience seeing myself in the goofy-looking nylon suit, being strapped with my back against the belly of the jump instructor. Climbing aboard the aging but spry Cessna with a growly engine and no seats for passengers. Jumping out of the plane. Screaming my head off, features registering emotions with unpronounceable names. Landing. Releasing the buckles and rolling around on the ground, punch-drunk from adrenaline and laughing a song of pure, nameless joy. Panting “Again!” and going up a second time.

“Oh,” she said. “You jumped twice. How interesting."

“I
had
to, Val. I couldn’t stop myself. And you gave me way more than the cost of the one jump. I figured that’s what you wanted."

She raised an eyebrow at this. “Oh you did, hmm?"

“If you didn’t mean for me to use all the money I’ll pay you back. I’m sorry…the instructions weren’t clear on whether I was supposed to…”

She let me to flounder a moment. “Hush. You did well, and I’m pleased. The instructions were intentionally vague. Jumping twice tells me you’re a brave girl, and you crave rich experiences.”

She aimed the remote and ejected the disk. When it was done, she put it back in its case and and set it on the table beside my purse.

Val sat in the chair once more. “You’ve shown the necessary commitment.” She paused a moment. “And now we come to the moment of decision, little Koishi. Are you ready to accept me as your Keeper, and permit me to make of you what I will?"

I thought it over. I’d worked hard to reach this point. Jumping out of the plane was the scariest thing I’d ever done, yet I’d managed it because I had a goal. Having someone to push me beyond my comfort zone might actually be a good thing.

And I can stop any time I want to.

I looked her squarely in the eyes and said, “Yes."

“Beg me.” She said, unmoved.

I blinked.

Beg her?
I had to process that. It wasn’t that the idea of begging troubled me. In this game I rather expected such things. No, the problem was that in all my life, my relationships, my jobs, I had never, ever begged for anything. I didn’t know
how
to beg.

I found myself mentally reviewing movies randomly in my head, searching for an example of the kind of begging she wanted. And came up empty. The grandfather clocked ticked away the seconds.

Val’s eyes narrowed. “Hmph. Perhaps you’re not as committed as I thought,” she said icily, sitting back and crossing her arms.

Panic swelled in me.
Dammit, do something
, I thought. But what? I forced words out of my mouth.

“Val, I beg you.” The words came out like dead fish; lifeless, unappetizing. Her features grew more impassive.

“Please, may I be your doll?” When this didn’t elicit a reaction I stood and walked closer, to kneel carefully before her chair. I didn’t know how to sit, what posture to adopt, so I simply folded my hands in my lap and lowered my head. Her stony expression was a little frightening.

“Val, I don’t know what to say or do. But I want this. I’ll learn anything you care to teach me. You’ve already given me a gift, and…and I’d like to repay you in kind. Whatever you ask.” I felt stupid for doing this, but part of me wanted to get it right, even if it was crazy. “I want…” I had to stop. I was humiliated and couldn’t scrap together words to finish the sentence. I prayed the maid wasn’t watching.

Tick tick tick tick tick
, went the clock. I was just beginning to think about standing up and leaving, when Val said:

“Clumsily worded, but heartfelt. Look at me."

I raised my eyes and didn’t speak.

“Koishi, you will be my doll until you ask to end this relationship, or I release you. Is this what you truly want?”

I nodded, light-headed. “Yes."

“Yes,
Ma’am
,” she corrected.

“Yes, Ma’am, I accept."

“Good doll. You are now Mine." I actually
heard
the capital letter, and it made me shiver.

She leaned forward and kissed me on the top of my head, a powerfully maternal gesture that felt like the signing of a contract.

4     
training

VAL STOOD, COMMANDING me to stay. She left and returned with several pages of forms, told me to kneel beside the low coffee table, and gave me a pencil.

“Fill these out. Follow the instructions carefully. Take your time, but answer the questions accurately and fully."

The first part was a long questionnaire involving my likes, dislikes, experience, and level of interest in an absolutely
exhaustive
list of fetishes and activities. I hadn’t heard of eighty percent of them, and while some of the unknown fetishes could be guessed, others were a complete mystery. (TENS unit? Violet wand?) Some, like scarification and fire play, sounded terrifying.
Absolutely no way
, I wrote beside these entries. I was humbled by the narrow limits of my experience and willingness to experiment, when reduced to tabular form. But Val wanted honesty, and that’s what she got.