Danger of Desire (6 page)

I was painfully aware that I was only dressed in a tank top and underwear having expected to be up and dressed long before Donovan’s arrival.

“I meant to be up and dressed. I must not have set the alarm right. It should’ve gone off,” I paused as I looked at the clock, “more than half an hour ago.”

A blank look fell across Donovan’s face, and he shrugged a little.

“I turned it off. Saw no reason to wake you,” he said.

I flushed a little at the knowledge that he’d been there watching me sleep for a long time.

“You could have just left if you wanted to let me sleep. You didn’t need to stay,” I said, sounding a little defensive.

“Now, I couldn’t do that. We had plans for dinner. I was just waiting for you to wake up on your own. Now that you’re awake you can get dressed and we’ll go,” he said.

I was getting more and more flustered. He had come to tell me that he didn’t need me for a job and instead of just waking me up, telling me and leaving, he turns off my alarm, watches me sleep for half an hour and still expects to have to take me out and feed me even though I’ve done nothing for him.

I swear the man was so close to perfect that it hurt.

“Thanks for letting me sleep, Donovan, I was really tired. But, you don’t have to feed me. I’m sure you have a scads of other stuff you need to be taking care of tonight.” I said.

Donovan’s face took on a stubborn look and he shook his head once.

“No, tonight I need to take you out to eat. So…  you’ve got ten minutes to get dressed, or I’m going to do it for you,” he didn’t look me in the eyes as he issued his standard threat, but instead stood and walked back into my living room.

I figured it wasn’t worth fighting over. I wanted to be close to him, and I was going to have to learn to act naturally or he was going to be uncomfortable. Might as well start working on it tonight.

“Hey… where are we going? Wieczek’s? Damon’s?” I called in to him. I needed to know what to wear.

“I was thinking we’d go to Angelo’s,” he called back.

I’d heard of Angelo’s, but I’d never been there, so I decided on a black skirt, a new brown suede jacket, with tall brown suede boots. It was nice enough for a skirt place, but casual enough for a jeans place, so I figured I’d be safe. It also was definitely NOT distraction material, and somehow that made me feel a little safer, too.

Wouldn’t want Donovan to think I was throwing myself at him.

I wrangled my hair into pins that held the curls out of my face enough for me to see, swiped on some mascara and some lipstick and I was ready. Or at least as ready as I was going to be.

I was transferring my gear from my black Coach bag into its brown twin when Donovan apparently decided my time was up and walked back in to the bedroom.

“You about ready, Pet?” he asked, looking at the pile of stuff on my bed.

“Yeah, just let me finish moving my stuff into this bag and we can go.” I said, trying to hurry so that I could get us out of my bedroom.

I threw in a pair of handcuffs, a mini pepper spray, grabbed my wallet, and then moved my gun.

When he noticed that last move, I could swear I heard him let out a little breath. It was as surprised as I’d ever seen him.

“Expecting trouble over dinner, Pet?” he asked, taking a step towards me.

“It was feeling lonely,” I said, “I took pity on it.”

I tried to move away inconspicuously, but stumbled over a basket of laundry. Donovan caught me before I could actually fall, and I flinched a little at the contact.

“Pet,” was all he said as he set me on my feet.

“Thanks,” I said and tried to smile. “I guess I should take that as a sign to clean. Would suck to be caught by a bad guy because I tripped over my laundry.”

Donovan didn’t smile back he just tilted his head and looked at me.

“Thinking I’m a bad guy now, Pet?” he asked quietly.

“No! Of course not,” I tried to backtrack.
How do I always get myself into these situations
?
“You’re a good guy. Regardless of all the stories,” I laughed as I babbled. “I was just thinking of the office and all the crazies… you know. I seem to attract my fair share of nutters.”

And right now I sound like one of them, I thought grimly.

“Let’s go eat,” I said, “I’m starving.”

I avoided the laundry pile this time and headed to the living room only to find my way blocked by a serious faced Donovan.

“I asked you what was wrong this afternoon, and you said nothing. I’m going to ask you again. What’s wrong, Pet?” he asked.

My brain was scrambling around trying to find something to say—anything to say—that wouldn’t ruin everything. If I told him the truth, I’d probably never see him again, and I couldn’t stand that. Maybe I could just…

“Don’t even try it, Darcy Allen,” Donovan cut into my thoughts. He looked angry. Donovan never looks angry. And he used my whole name. Shit.

“I don’t know what to say, Donovan.” There. That at least was completely true. “There isn’t anything
wrong
.” Sad, pathetic, and in need of therapy, yes… wrong? Not technically.

He stepped closer to me, and I stepped back again, reflexively.

“See?” He said. “You’re doing it again. Every time I get close to you, you step away.” He sounded perplexed, like he’d never had a woman step away from him before. What am I saying? He probably had never had a woman step away from him before.

“It doesn’t mean anything…” I said defensively.

“Oh, I think it does,” he said quietly and he took another step towards me.

I forced myself to stay where I was, unwilling to give in to my instincts that were screaming to get away, far away, that this was dangerous. I knew that Donovan wouldn’t hurt me, though, and if by letting him get close I could avoid further conflict, then close it was going to be.

He didn’t say anything, he just looked at me, and time began to dilate, seconds seeming like minutes and minutes seeming like hours. I felt my heart begin to pound, and my skin tightened and prickled. I could feel the heat from him again, and it was addictive—euphoric—and all I wanted was to wallow in it, letting it run through my veins, burning away all the loneliness and fear and leaving only the raw desire and love that I felt for him.

The impossibility of it was more than I could stand. I couldn’t help it. I stepped back.

Suddenly Donovan growled deep in his throat and I had the random thought that maybe I had misjudged the situation and I should’ve run while I had the chance, but before I could move I was pinned against the wall, Donovan’s glorious heat pressed against me, his face bare inches from mine.

“Don’t run away from me,” he growled, gray eyes dark and dangerous. “I don’t like it.”

I couldn’t speak—could barely think—and I simply shook my head at him, trying to make him understand that it wasn’t him I was running from.

He must’ve seen something in my eyes because he dropped one arm to my side, and pressed his forehead into the wall beside my face. “God, Pet, I’m sorry. I must be crazy,” he whispered.

“No,” I finally managed to say, “it’s not you, Donovan. Really, it isn’t.” I leaned my head forward until my face nestled in the crook of his neck. I could smell the scent of him, and feel his pulse, and I rubbed my cheek against his faint whiskers reveling in the
rightness
of him but torn because he wasn’t mine, and would never be.

A thoughtful look passed across his face and he stared deeply in my eyes, looking for an answer to a question only he knew. My barriers were down, burned away by his heat, and I was afraid of what he was going to see, so I closed my eyes.

“If it isn’t me, then why? Why have you gone so far away from me?” He asked bringing his hand up to cup my face, the calluses hard against the softness of my cheek, his thumb tracing my bones. “I came back from New York and Jasper said you’d changed, but I didn’t—I couldn’t—believe him. But he was right… you’ve faded… you’ve gone away from me, and I don’t know how to get you back.”

There was pain in his voice along with his confusion. He wasn’t a man accustomed to not being in control, and he was floundering, trying to find a way—any way—to fix what he saw as a problem.

The ache in my chest grew as I realized there was no way to fix it, and I kissed his throat in a gentle goodbye.

“I’m sorry Donovan. I just realized that I can’t be the same person anymore. My life is just too complicated.” I whispered, trying desperately not to cry.

Donovan’s body jerked as if he’d been hit with 1000 volts. He pulled back from me, eyes wide, and his hands clenched on my shoulders.

“What do you mean ‘too complicated’ Since when is what’s between us ‘complicated’?” he asked, almost wildly. “Have I done something? Hurt you? Made you angry? I don’t understand.”

“I’m not angry,” I said, and I meant it. “After George Krieger attacked me, it hit me. I finally understood what everyone’s been saying—about the danger, about the job—there’s a price to pay when you do work like ours.”

Donovan looked horrified and I knew he understood.

“I knew right then that I was alone. Every time I walked in to a situation like that, or had something go wrong, I
had
to be alone, or someone else was going to get hurt, too.” I was crying now, tears sliding silently down my face.

“I don’t want anyone to hurt like that, Donovan,” I finished. “I especially don’t want the people I love to hurt like that.” I took a deep breath and steadied myself.

“I don’t have the right to ask someone to hurt like that.”

His eyes got even bigger if possible, and his fingers clenched even tighter. I knew I would have bruises but I couldn’t find it in myself to care.

“The people you love?” he whispered hoarsely. “You’re pulling away from the people you love so they won’t get hurt?”

I nodded silently, not trusting my voice not to break.

“It’s a good theory, Pet, but it won’t work,” he said. “The problem is, you see… pulling away from them will hurt them more than anything else ever could.”

He rubbed his face against mine, loosening his grip on my shoulders, and rubbing them gently in a silent apology for hurting me.

“It would be like taking away the sun to prevent someone from getting sunburned; the disease might be unpleasant, but the cure would be deadly,” he whispered.

He lowered his lips allowing them just to hover above mine.

“Don’t go away from me, Pet,” he said and he kissed me, his touch so light I could almost believe I’d imagined it. “My life would be cold, and gray, and miserable without you.”

He kissed me again, harder this time and I felt the traitorous heat spreading through me.

“I tried to protect you. Tried to keep you at arm’s length, but I couldn’t,” he said, his voice gravelly. “I couldn’t stay away.” His hands were scorching me through my jacket and every nerve I had was alive and awash in the glory of him.

“I knew that you were safe, though, because you didn’t love me. You couldn’t be hurt if you didn’t care.” He punctuated his statements with tiny kisses along the line of my cheek.

“But now, that isn’t true, is it?” he asked softly, his voice hypnotic. “You think you have to distance yourself from me, you can’t ask me to hurt like that, and you won’t have a relationship with me…” he paused. “ None of those things are an issue unless you
love me
,” he finished, a triumphant note creeping into his voice.

I had fallen under the spell of his voice and found myself nodding in agreement before I realized what I had admitted. When I snapped out of it, I sucked in a breath and tried to pull away, but Donovan was having none of it.

“Oh no you don’t… not now, not when I finally have you where I want you,” he laughed quietly.

“And where is that?” I asked, a little Irish fire flickering through my overloaded mind.

“With me, Pet,” he said simply. “Where I need you to be.”

I looked at him and threw caution to the wind.

“Why?” I asked, thankful that my voice didn’t quaver.

“Because I can’t imagine my world without you in it, Darcy Allen,” he answered.

“You fight the good fight no matter what it costs you. You bring joy and laughter to a dull and dreary world. If something were to happen to you, I would never be the same,” his voice dropped an octave, “I love you—all of you.”

My world was spinning out of control, and I knew this had to be a dream. Nothing this wonderful could be real. But Donovan’s voice persisted and I kept listening, willing the dream to last as long as possible.

“I’ve kept my feelings secret for too long, but now the secret doesn’t matter. You love me, and that changes all the rules,” he finished.

I pressed my forehead against his and tangled my hands in the hair at his nape holding on tightly. I was afraid that if I let go of him he’d disappear and I’d be alone again.

“I don’t want to be alone, Donovan,” I whispered, pathetically afraid of the admission.

“Neither do I, Pet,” he whispered back. “Neither do I.”

The truth of that statement made me feel better about myself, and my needs, and I could accept that we could be there for each other instead of him just supporting me.