Dandelion Clocks (4 page)

I decide that, probably, there're a few things that I could learn about how to boil spaghetti, so it's not a bad idea to go back inside and help Mum out with the rest of the supper. There's a darkness in the garden that I didn't notice before and the kitchen suddenly seems like a good place to hang out.

There's more of a chance that supper will actually be edible if I go and help, anyway. And I'm feeling a bit odd inside, like something is wrong somewhere, and that hanging out with Mum might make me feel OK again.

Today has been the best day
ever
. I thought it was going to be a bit of a boring weekend, but Mum woke me up this morning while Isaac and Dad were still asleep and told me to get dressed as quickly as possible cos we were having a day out. She made me be really quiet so that I didn't wake Isaac up. I wanted to tell her that she had no worries on that account – I'd gone to the loo at 3 a.m. and he was still playing games on his PlayStation so it was unlikely that he'd be awake much before lunchtime – but I didn't want to ruin her good mood so I said nothing.

Then, when we were in the car, she said that we were going to spend the day shopping – and not just in town but somewhere bigger with proper shops and a pizza restaurant and
everything
!

I cannot believe the cool stuff that Mum bought
me today. It's as if every birthday I'm ever going to have came at the same time. We started off looking for clothes and she didn't get distracted once – normally we start off shopping for me but she gets sidetracked with stuff that she wants and then, just when I'm thinking it's my turn, she realizes that the car park ticket is about to run out and we have to sprint back to the car before the ticket warden gives Mum yet another fine.

Today, though, we went into my favourite ever clothes shop and she bought me a pair of new jeans and a cool pair of combat trousers and then, when I saw a super-awesome tube top in neon orange, she just picked it up and added it to the pile, cool as a cucumber! She didn't even look at the price.

Then we bought loads of T-shirts and a couple of sweatshirts for me – I guess she must think I'll need them and I'm not complaining. Everything was a bit big, but Mum says I'll grow into it all and it's better to buy larger now so that I don't need new clothes for a while.

The only embarrassing part of the day was when she dragged me into the massive department store next to the bank. I was really in the swing of shopping by now, carrier bags in both hands, and
I thought that maybe she wanted to get us lunch or something. But, instead, we went upstairs to the underwear department where she stocked up with about a year's supply of knickers and socks and then, horror of horrors, forced me into a changing room and told me to strip.

‘It's a very momentous day, darling – buying your first bra!' said Mum, while taking my bags from me and putting them down in the corner of the huge cubicle.

Now, I'm not usually shy and while I was loving all the attention that Mum was giving me, I can tell you, one hundred per cent truthfully, that I have
absolutely, definitely
no use for a bra of any kind. My crop tops are fine. All the girls will laugh themselves silly if I turn up in the changing rooms wearing an actual bra – I'll look like a total try-hard. I did my best to convey this message to Mum in a simple but efficient manner.

‘No way, Mum – are you out of your mind?' I said, while crossing my arms across my front and backing away from her.

‘There's nothing to worry about, Liv – think of it as part of your journey into womanhood!' Mum said. ‘Come on now – coat off. That nice lady will be in with her tape measure in a moment.'

Oh, great. Totally fantastic. Not only was I going to have the indignity of Mum grinning away like a maniac, I'd have to cope with some old woman seeing me in all my non-glory.

‘Are we all ready in there?' called the old woman.

‘One moment, please!' called back Mum chirpily, while hissing at me to ‘take that coat off and stop behaving like a big ninny'.

Ninny? What is a ninny anyway?

‘All ready for you now!' she chirruped to the shop lady, who parted the curtains as enthusiastically as Moses parting the Red Sea and sailed into my cubicle.

‘Aahh – first bra, is it?' she cooed.

The sight of me cowering in the corner, red as a tomato, must have given her a clue.

‘Oh, I love it when the young girls come in with their mums. Like a rite of passage, it is! Come on now, lovely – arms out to the side and stand here where I can measure you.'

‘Hope your tape measure has negative numbers,' I mumbled, but she and Mum were too busy chattering about the thrill of buying your first womanly undergarments to hear me.

Bra Lady got to work, wrapping the tape measure round my non-existent chest and squinting to
read the result. I wanted to reassure her that she wasn't losing her eyesight – my chest really
is
that small, but the way Mum was looking at me (a combination of pride, love and threat) stopped me saying anything. Turns out that I didn't need to.

‘She's quite … uhhm … petite, dear,' she said, turning to Mum. ‘I think it might be better to wait another six months and come back then, perhaps when she's grown a bit more. Or maybe get her a training bra. They're quite popular with the younger girls.'

‘No, I'd rather we got it now,' smiled Mum. Well, her mouth was smiling but her eyes were giving out quite a different message altogether.

‘If you're sure, dear,' agreed Bra Lady, turning back to me and tweaking the tape measure. ‘It's just that she is incredibly tiny and we don't stock proper bras in this size. I don't think we actually make them this small. Never mind, lovey – I'll find you the smallest one we've got and you'll grow into it eventually.'

Bra Lady breezed back out of the cubicle. I grabbed my T-shirt and started pulling it over my head, desperate to get out of there.

‘Come on, Mum – let's go,' I said, but Mum just stood there, looking at me with a funny expression
on her face. ‘Mum! You heard her. I don't even need a bra yet. It'll be a complete waste of money.'

I was sure that'd get her to see sense. Mum hates wasting money and she's always going on about watching the pennies. She gave her head a little shake and then picked up her bag.

‘Oh, Liv, this was a daft idea. I just really wanted to do this with you. I was being silly – I'm sorry, sweetheart.'

She looked so sad for a moment and I couldn't work out why our day suddenly didn't feel so good. I wondered if I'd done something wrong; I suppose I did make a bit of a fuss about getting measured.

‘I don't mind if you want to buy me a bra, Mum, but I don't want to wear it for school yet, that's all. And it was embarrassing when that lady came in.'

Mum looked at me again and smiled. ‘I wasn't thinking about it properly. We can still do this, but we don't need anyone to help us. It'll be lots more fun on our own, you'll see. Hurry up, coat on, and let's go!'

And you know what? Mum was right. She was determined that I needed to buy a bra and that, even if it didn't fit me now, I'd ‘definitely need it in the next year so it isn't a waste of money'. Personally,
I think she's a bit deluded in her predictions – can't see me needing one in the next five years, but it was fun in the end. She found Bra Lady and thanked her for her help, and then we went to some amazing shops and chose tiny bras that even I have to admit are pretty cool. I'm quite looking forward to being old enough to wear them, but for now they're in my cupboard, all wrapped up in gorgeous tissue paper.

After underwear shopping Mum was exhausted and we went to get a pizza for lunch (I didn't even have to beg her!). And after that was the best bit. Mum took me down a street that I hadn't been to before and led me into a real-life tattoo parlour! No, don't worry – I didn't get a tattoo (she hasn't gone officially insane, just a bit loopy). It's way better than that. I am now the proud owner of a pair of pierced ears! Mum reckons that tattoo parlours have to keep a good reputation and can't afford to be shoddy over customer hygiene, so she'd rung them up and had a good chat, and they'd told her all about the certificates they have to get to show that they're a safe place – then she'd made me an appointment.

I
love, love, love
my ears! They've got cute little studs in at the moment but in six weeks I can
change them, and Mum took me straight from getting them done to buy some dangly ones for when I can wear them! Not for school, she said, but I can wear them at weekends. They're totally gorgeous – long silver strands that swoosh together and make a tinkling sound. I love them!

Mum was tired again after all the excitement so we went for a coffee and a sandwich. And then we went to the cinema. Just us two – not with Dad and Isaac. Can't remember the last time we did that. I spent most of the time twiddling my earrings until Mum told me to stop and that I'd infect my ears with nasty germs.

I was worn out on the way home but
so
happy! When we got back, I showed Dad my new ears and went straight up to bed. I cleaned my teeth and then realized that I'd left my new clothes downstairs so I went down to fetch them. I could hear Dad before I'd even got to the end of the hall.

‘I'm
not
trying to spoil things, Rachel. I'm just worried, that's all.'

I could hear Mum crashing things about in the sink. ‘We had a great day, Dan – can't that be enough?'

‘It's not enough and you know it. You can't buy
her off. Money is not going to make everything OK for her, you know that. She needs to be told the truth and she needs to know it soon.'

There was a bigger crash as if something had fallen (or been thrown) and then the sound of Mum yelling.

‘Of course I know, you idiot, but maybe it's all I've got to give right now – have you thought of that? The truth isn't going to make this OK, is it? I'm lying awake at nights wondering how to explain it to her. And as for helping Isaac make sense of it, well …'

Everything went quiet for a moment and then I could hear muffled sobbing.

I backtracked along the hall, past the photos of Isaac and me as babies, and Aunt Leah graduating from university, and Mum and Dad lying on a beach somewhere exotic. I backed up the stairs, never taking my eyes off the kitchen door, which stayed shut. Only when I reached the landing did I dare to turn and run as quickly as possible to my bedroom door, which I slammed shut behind me before throwing myself on the bed. I can't believe it. Not
my
mum and dad? I knew something was wrong but what I've just heard confirms my worst suspicions.

They must be getting a divorce and Mum is trying to figure out how to tell me.

Where will we live? Isaac couldn't cope with moving house. What if they make us choose who we want to stay with? How can they be so
selfish
– I bet they haven't thought about us at all.

My world is, quite literally, falling apart.

Who could have guessed that
my
family would end up part of a national statistic? I mean, maybe I've always taken it for granted, but I thought we were a happy family. Sure, Mum and Dad get mad at each other now and then, but they always seem to make friends pretty quickly and they love doing things together. At the end of each day, the thing they like best is sitting at our kitchen table and telling each other about everything they've been up to and making plans for the next weekend or school holiday.

I just don't understand how it could have got so bad without me realizing.

I'm walking to school with Alice and I've decided to tell her about it – but not before swearing her
to secrecy. She's sympathetic, but doesn't seem to understand how massive this is for me.

‘It's not all bad, you know. My dad spends far more time with me now than he used to when he lived with us. And he actually tries to be nice to me now – I guess he's worried I'll refuse to see him or something!' she laughs, giving my arm a squeeze.

‘But my dad is nice to me already, and I see loads of him,' I moan. I'm thinking that if she starts talking about two sets of Christmas and birthday presents that I might actually scream.

‘And I know everyone says it – but it's true – I do get more presents at Christmas and they're actually things that I want!' says Alice.

I grit my teeth and remind myself that I need Alice right now, and that yelling at her is not going to help. It's not
her
fault that my stupid parents can't be happy with what they've got and seem to feel the need to ruin my life. So selfish.

‘Although it does seem a bit weird that they've not told you yet,' Alice comments.

‘I
know
! So typical of my family – don't tell Liv anything. Probably think I'll make a big fuss and upset everyone!'

‘Well, won't you?' grins Alice as we round the corner to the school gates.

It's early spring, and the daffodils are everywhere, their yellow bonnet heads gently swaying in the early morning breeze. I like daffodils, but my favourite flowers are dandelions – I've got loads of photos that I've taken of them, some when they've got their flowers and others with a head full of seeds. Mum always laughs at me and says that they're weeds and nobody chooses dandelions as their favourite – but I like their determination, growing everywhere, even in among all the rubbish. They're a bit like finding a piece of treasure in an unlikely place and they always make me feel happy.

Not any more, though, I think as I stomp past a clump growing out from behind the bin by the bus stop. Now they'll remind me of the spring I discovered that my parents wanted to destroy my family. Thanks a lot, Mum and Dad. We might not be the perfect family but I always thought we were OK. Now they're going to rip everything apart before I've had a chance to do half the things I wanted to do. I can kiss my life's dream of going to Disneyland goodbye, that's for sure. Once they start splitting everything up and paying for two
homes instead of one, there'll be no money for holidays. I've seen it on TV – I know all about it.

‘Yes, I
will
make a fuss, and so will Isaac when they actually have the courage to tell him. Somebody has to fight for this family and it looks like it'll have to be me.' I link arms with Alice and march into school, half hoping that Moronic Louise will have the sense to stay away from me today, and half hoping that she gives me a reason to deal with her, once and for all.

My day passes in the usual, boring blur that is school. I must be giving out some serious ‘keep away' vibes because Moronic Louise doesn't come anywhere near me. In fact, I hardly talk to anyone all day. I can't be bothered to look for Alice at lunchtime – instead I creep into the library and find a chair in the corner where nobody can see me unless they come looking. I sneak bites from my sandwich when I can hear that the librarian is busy on the other side of the room, and sink into the world of my book. It's better than my real world.

Now I'm home and the only thing that I want to do is slump in front of the television. On my own. Without any annoying brothers doing their absolute best to ruin my peace.

No chance in this house, though. Isaac has
slammed through the door, made a ton of noise in the kitchen getting a snack and is now standing in front of me, blocking my view of the TV and munching a piece of toast,
very loudly
.

I try ignoring him. He just carries on, standing and munching. So I take it to the next level and give him my best ‘death stare'. Lesser mortals have been known to pass out with terror when subjected to this look – but not Isaac. He doesn't even shake.

‘Isaac, move,' I tell him.

‘Have you seen my Pokemon cards?' he says.

‘No.' My voice is cold and sharp – I want to be left alone, just for a few minutes.

‘They're missing,' Isaac says.

‘Not interested. Move.'

‘I can't find them.'

‘Talk to the hand, Isaac.'

Isaac looks at me for a moment and I think he's finally got the message. He frowns and then holds his hand up in the air in front of him.

‘Hand – where are my Pokemon cards?' he asks it.

I explode. He has finally pushed my last button and I've had enough.

‘You are
not
stupid, Isaac! Take the hint! I don't want to talk to you, OK? Go away.'

I sink back into the sofa, already regretting my outburst, but wishing with every bit of me that, just for once, Isaac could think about someone other than himself.

Isaac takes a last bite of his toast, crumbs dropping on to the carpet as he wipes his hands together, careful to make sure that no toast remains on his fingers.

‘And I don't want to talk to you, Liv. I just want to know where my Pokemon cards are.' He is looking at a spot on the wall above my head and I know that I've confused him. That he has no idea what he's done wrong. I shake my head to let him know that I can't help him and he walks away. I follow him with my eyes and see Mum, leaning in the doorway to the kitchen. She smiles at Isaac as he goes past and then looks at me.

‘Bad day?' she asks.

‘You have no idea,' I mutter. I don't particularly want to talk to her either, not when she's planning on tearing our family apart.

‘Tell me about it?' she says, but I shake my head at her too. She turns to leave.

‘It wasn't my fault,' I blurt out, and she stops and turns back to me, eyebrows raised in a question. ‘Just now, with Isaac – it wasn't my
fault. Anyone else would have known to leave me alone. It's not a crime to need a bit of space now and again.'

‘But Isaac isn't “anyone else”, is he?' says Mum. ‘He doesn't understand what you want unless you tell him, Liv. You know that.'

‘Great,' I say, scowling. ‘So we just have to put up with it, do we, for the rest of our lives? We just accept that Isaac needs everything spelling out for him – even how the rest of us are feeling?'

‘Particularly how the rest of us are feeling,' says Mum. ‘Think how much we communicate using our faces and our bodies, Liv. The minute I walked in here I could tell that you were cross, and that something's bothering you. You didn't have to tell me in words – it was clear from the way you were frowning and crossing your arms. It was obvious from the way your lips were squeezed together. But Isaac can't read that language. It's like asking you to talk to someone who only speaks Bulgarian. It'd be really hard.'

I sit up a bit straighter, thinking about what Mum is saying.

‘I get all that, Mum – really I do. But can't he learn to “read” how we're feeling? He's learnt to do a whole heap of other stuff, so why can't he
just learn to look at people's faces and figure out how they're feeling.'

Mum smiles at me. ‘He can, but he needs some help. Don't you remember, we had those drawings of faces that we used to show him? He was great at remembering what the faces were
supposed
to mean – he just found it a bit trickier to relate that to real, live people. Dad and I have been meaning to try something else, but there's been a lot of other stuff happening lately and we haven't got round to it. I will, I promise, Liv. But in the meantime, try to be patient with him. We're asking a lot of him and it isn't going to happen overnight.'

I stand up. I don't want this conversation carrying on, not if she's going to start talking about the ‘other stuff' that's been going on around here. Anyway, I've just had a brilliant idea for helping Isaac and I can get started on it straight away.

‘Don't worry,' I tell Mum. ‘I can help him. I reckon I've got a great plan.'

Mum looks at me and for a second I think she's about to burst into tears. Then she takes a few steps towards me and pulls me into a hug.

‘Thank you, Liv,' she whispers. ‘Isaac is really going to need you on his team. I'm so proud of you, the way you look out for him.'

‘He's my brother,' I say, pulling away from her. ‘That's what families do, isn't it – look out for each other?'

I run up the stairs, taking them two at a time, and dash into my room. My camera is on my desk and I grab it. It's old and not great but it'll do the job. I head across the hall to Isaac's room. His door is half open so I give a quick knock and stick my head round. Isaac is sitting cross-legged on his bed, Pokemon cards spread out all around him. He is smiling.

‘You found them then?' I say.

He looks up at me and grins, and I fire off a quick shot, the flash of the camera making him blink.

‘What was that?' he asks.

‘That was “happy”,' I tell him, and then I walk downstairs with the hope of seeing Mum or Dad demonstrating an emotion that I can capture on camera.