Dancing with Molly (8 page)

It was the way Ashley spat out the words “my sister” that really got me. She said it like they tasted bad, and it was clear that Ash was pissed that I was at this party—this whole night—in the first place. At that point I was like, screw it. The way she was treating me really got under my skin. Ashley always treats me this way: sort of a practiced tolerance, a certainty that I'm going to ruin her perfect plans and her perfect night and her perfect life.

I was about to let her have it when Jess came to the rescue. For all of her “who gives a crap” bluster, Jess is surprisingly good in a crisis. She totally calmed things down by saying we didn't have to roll right away. She assured Ashley that it would only last a few hours anyway. Kelly piped up and said that she was going to start with the bong in the dining room, and Ashley huffed and rolled her eyes like this was just the most preposterous idea in the history of fun. That did it. I couldn't take it anymore. Carson was holding my hand, and I felt tall and sexy in my heels. I'd been seeing guys walk by and eye my legs all night, and watched Carson trade smiles with every jock he'd seen that silently telegraphed, Yeah, RIGHT? I know she's smoking hot. So when Ashley pulled her “I'm so much more mature than all of you” bullshit, I felt this defiance rip through me like a whip, and looked right at Kelly and said, I'm in. We marched into the
dining room, and just the way Kelly and I approached the table with the bong made a path for us.

The bong was one of those big three-feet-tall numbers with glass-on-glass fittings and an ice holder so that when you pull the smoke through the water, it flows over ice in the bottom of the main pipe and you feel no heat in your lungs. Because of that, I inhaled the most gigantic bong rip of all time. By the time I blew all the smoke out of my lungs, I already felt light on my feet like I was floating over my own shoes. Kelly could not stop laughing about how much smoke came out of me, and all these guys around the table kept giving me high fives. When Carson appeared I smiled and winked at him, and he started laughing. I told the guys around the table, 'Scuse me, gents. My DATE is here. And walked over and grabbed his hand and led him past the kitchen and out through the big sliders at the end of the dining room, which opened onto the pool. All the guys were hollering and making catcalls. Jess and Kelly followed us outside and we all started dancing next to the pool.

After a little bit, Carson said he needed something to drink and asked me if I wanted anything. I told him to bring me something wet, and he laughed and headed inside. I was dancing next to Jess and Kelly and they danced with me for a second, but then Kelly danced up to Jess and got up on her tiptoes to kiss her.
They started making out, and must've gone inside, because after a minute, I realized I was dancing by myself, and maybe feeling a little paranoid about the weed.

I started wondering how I looked, and if my hair was still holding up. I saw some girls casting glances my way from the hot tub, and I recognized one of them as a cheerleader, but the other two I couldn't place. I worried they were talking about me, or that my mascara was running or something, but then I realized that I was really afraid they thought I wasn't cool enough to be at this party—especially with Carson. Part of me knew it was just the weed, and I decided to just dance more, but my toes were feeling a little pinched by my shoes. Mom's favorite adage—sometimes pretty hurts—echoed in my head and I'd started laughing to myself when I heard Carson's voice behind me: Damn, you're sexy as hell.

I spun around with my hands on my hips and rolled my eyes, a big smile on my face. I said, Where the hell have you been? I missed you.

Did I mention that Carson is impossibly tall? And that when he throws his head back and laughs, his jaw is so perfect that I just want to kiss it? He did a couple dance moves toward me and I pretended to catch him with an imaginary fishing pole and reel him in. When he got over to me, he took one of my hands in
his and pressed something into my palm. It felt like a little wad of paper towel or something. I looked down at it and he said, Don't drop it. It was a piece of a toilet paper square that was balled up. I instantly knew it was full of molly. I looked up at Carson, and he grinned and held up a bottle of water. I laughed and said, Oh god. Did you? Already? He nodded and did his little spin-around dance move.

I stared down at the little toilet paper pouch in my hand. He read my mind and said, Just swallow it. Watching Carson do his little dance moves, the warm spring air on my skin, feeling floaty from the weed, and jazzed up because of all the compliments about how I looked, I realized that I never wanted to be the boring band girl again. I wanted this. I wanted this night, with this boy, and I didn't care what anybody else thought about me. I wanted to feel “pure bliss”—and I wanted to feel it with him. I thought about Pete's words for ecstasy and how molly was supposed to be so much better. Tonight was all about me, and Carson, and all the possibilities that prom had brought along with it.

I popped the little packet of powder into my mouth and washed it down with half the bottle of water. After I did, Carson danced right up next to me, wrapped his arms around my waist, and leaned his face slowly down to mine. His lips were warm
and strong and slow. His tongue found mine, and thank god he had his arms around my waist because if he'd made my knees weak before, this time, he took my legs right out from under me.

I'm not sure how long we kissed, but I didn't care who saw. I was lost in it when Jess came running up with Kelly. Both of them had a couple of water bottles, and I could instantly tell from their excitement that they were anticipating their own molly hits kicking in at any second. Reid and Ashley were right behind them, and their energy was remarkably different. Jess was telling me how much I was going to LOVE this high, and Ashley pushed in next to me and stared daggers at me. She was hissing again: I can't BELIEVE you did this. I should tell Mom and Dad the minute I get home.

I just smiled at her. In that moment, I honestly didn't care what she did. Reid was looking pretty glum, and for the first time all night he sounded kind of impatient with Ashley. He said, Jeez. Chill out. It's probably gonna be a really fun time.

Ashley whirled around and told Reid that if he did any molly he could just take her home right this second. He held up both hands and got a little sheepish. He told her he wasn't going to, but I could tell he was miserable to miss out on this. Ashley tried to make things better by grabbing his hand and leaning in to kiss him.

I'm not sure how long we danced after that. I think it was around midnight when we dropped, and I know it was getting light outside when we all got out of the hot tub and started to go home, so it probably lasted about five hours? But . . . wow.

What.

A.

Five.

Hours.

Carson and I were dancing and he untied his bow tie so it dangled down on both sides of his collar like he was a sexy movie star or something. Then he reached up and undid a couple buttons on his shirt. I don't know what came over me, but I reached my hands up and started undoing all of the buttons on his shirt. I wasn't feeling the effects of the molly yet, but I felt bold. Being there with him, and looking the way I did, just changed me on the inside. I felt like the whole evening had culminated in me being this sexy, wise woman—not a girl but a woman. I felt older than I actually was. Or maybe I just felt independent from all the ways that I'd always considered myself to be just another lame high school girl—boring and predictable.

Once I unbuttoned Carson's shirt, his pecs and abs peeked out from the panels of his shirt, which were held in place by his suspenders. I ran my hand across his chest and down his sexy
stomach to his belt buckle and pulled him toward me. He kissed me again, and I felt him shimmy out of his jacket. He tossed it over the back of a nearby deck chair, and he pulled his suspenders down, so they looped across his hips and hung there while we danced.

We kissed and danced for a long time, and then the light from the pool started drifting up—like the air was ignited by this bright haze of light. The whole backyard seemed to be glowing. My eyeballs started to twitch a little, and then it felt like I got hit by a g-force—like when Jess peels out in her car too fast, and I get tossed back against the seat. Only this feeling didn't make me fear for my life. These feelings were like a full-body massage of the warmest, firmest variety. Carson felt it too, and he held me close and whispered that I should just breathe with him. And we did. Every time he breathed out, I breathed in—like I was breathing him in. Our bodies were pressed together so tightly I could feel every inch of him against me, and as the lights swirled in tracers around me, the music beat from somewhere inside me, like it was being produced someplace just behind my sternum and radiating out of my body, into Carson's, then reverberating out to the entire party.

This was a different high than regular ecstasy. The molly was not speedy or jerky. I wasn't chewing on my own tongue,
and my stomach didn't hurt at all or feel all gurgly the way it did before. This was just like being on a really intense boat ride—lots of waves, lots of high pressure flooding my body and pressing against me.

At one point Carson grabbed his jacket and pulled me away from the group. We went inside and found a couch in Derrick's front den. It was pretty deserted at that point—or at least, I don't remember anyone else being in the room; just me and Carson. We sank down onto a couch and kicked off our shoes. Carson pulled me on top of him and we just started kissing. We must've kissed for a long time. For a while, I felt like if I stopped kissing him I would come unplugged and my whole body would power down. His fingertips against my skin created these tiny hot spots wherever he touched me, and when his hands would move to another area, those hot spots would glow and then give me goose bumps all over.

I'm not sure how it happened, but Carson wound up wearing just his boxers on the couch. I was kissing him all over his shoulders and chest and stomach. And he was stroking my arms and legs and back and face with his fingers. It's weird to write this down, but it wasn't about having sex at all. It was more about the sensations, the feelings between us—it was just me and him, and no one else in the entire world.

Eventually, we left most of Carson's clothes and my shoes in a pile and somehow made it out to the hot tub. The house was mainly deserted now. On the way, we passed the kitchen, where Reid and Ashley were sitting at the bar. Reid was drinking beers and looking miserable. As Carson led me past them, I smiled because I felt so happy to see them both. If Ashley's eyes were weapons they would've killed me. Reid asked Carson something about how he was feeling, and Carson said something about how incredible this was. Ashley didn't even speak to me, but I didn't feel angry or worried or guilty, I just felt . . . love for her. That sounds so clichéd and cheesy. The best part of a pure molly high is that the feeling of not being enough, of not being cool, of being “less than” everyone around me just disappears.

Outside, Jess was so excited to see me when we got to the hot tub. I unzipped my dress and tossed it over on a deck chair and slipped into the warm water next to Carson, who was still in his boxers. He wrapped an arm under my head, and I lay back against him. I felt so much love for everyone around me.

Derrick got us some waters, and convinced Reid and Ash to come outside. They kicked off their shoes and put their feet in the water. Ashley's hair was sagging in lots of places, so she pulled out all the dried flowers and lined them up next to the hot tub, then pulled out all the bobby pins one by one. I think
it looked better down once she got all that crap out of it.

As I looked up at the sky and saw the sun rising, Jess announced that she wasn't feeling anything but hungry anymore. I guess we'd all pretty much come down at that point. We all dried off and slid back into our clothes. Carson and Reid joked about the walk of shame while Reid called us a cab big enough to get us all back to Reid's house, then he and Carson took us all home.

I didn't sleep right away. I've been drinking water like a camel in the desert. I feel like I got a little dehydrated, but I don't feel nearly as bad as I did that first time I took ecstasy. Molly is definitely a better high. I'm a little achy, but it was so completely worth it for those five hours with Carson. It really was pure bliss. I felt like I was invincible, like I could understand anything and love anyone.

I'm sitting in first period. My English teacher, Miss Sloan, thinks I'm taking notes, but I wanted to write down what just happened.

On the way to school this morning, Ashley wouldn't even talk to me, which . . . whatever. I was still feeling a little tired, so I decided just to let her have her space. I'm done feeling guilty
for feeling good. She can make her decisions, and I don't judge her for them. What I couldn't shake as I drove into the parking lot was the fear that Carson wouldn't even talk to me today. My head started to hurt a little as I sat in the car after I parked. Ashley had gotten out in a huff and walked into the building already, and I just sat there sipping coffee out of my travel mug. What if Carson was just into me when I looked the way I had on Saturday night? I had gotten up a little earlier than usual to put on some eyeliner and lipstick, but my hair was back to its usual curly mess.

Ugh. Is that what it's like now? All my insecurities come racing back into my head when I'm not on molly? That's lame. Where's the girl who unbuttoned Carson's shirt while dancing out by the pool? Anyway, as I was sitting in the car wondering how I was going to make it through this day if Carson ignored me, I had a little breakthrough. Worrying about Carson was stupid. If he was going to ignore me after the great time we had, I shouldn't give him a second thought. It made my stomach hurt, but I pushed through it and got out of the car, grabbed my clarinet and bag, tossed my purse on my shoulder, and marched into the school with my head up.