Dancing with Molly (16 page)

It's only the next morning, when I'm sitting here writing in this damn diary, that I wonder if I'm completely full of shit. Will I just fall apart when he leaves?

Carson and I went to see a movie yesterday afternoon, and afterward he wanted to go by Reid's place. I'd never been to Reid's house before, and when we got there, Sara was on her way over. She has an internship at a law office downtown this summer. She showed up wearing this black suit with a short skirt and a slim black blazer. Her high heels made her legs look about three hundred feet long. She looked like a lawyer on a TV show—very sophisticated, Reid said. He decided that we
should all have sophisticated drinks to match her outfit and started making martinis.

I'd never had a martini and I thought it was kind of gross, so Carson made me a cosmo, which tasted a lot better but got me totally buzzed because it was mainly vodka. We were all hanging out when Reid's dad came home. He actually joined us for a drink. What is it like to have parents like this? My dad would freak out if he came home and found me and Ashley making drinks with a bunch of friends.

After a little while, Kelly showed up in Kyle's big SUV and drove us to this club called The Edge. The music was awesome, and she had molly on her. We all dosed in the car and then went in to the most awesome music I'd heard since the Whip5mart concert. Kyle can DJ like nobody's business. Kelly said that some major labels were talking to him about sending in his EPs and stuff, but Kyle says he can make more money getting on the DJ circuit and selling his mixes on iTunes while he's in college.

Before I left the car, I texted Mom to tell her that I was staying over at Kelly's last night, but I actually ended up at Carson's place. His dad is gone for a week on a business trip to New York, and his mom has gone to Florida to visit her mother for the week, so we had the place to ourselves. We all ended up coming down in Carson's hot tub. After his set at The Edge, Kyle was on
his way over to Carson's place, and stopped at home to drop off his gear. While he was there, he nabbed a couple of really good bottles of champagne from his parents' wine fridge.

Reid passed around a bowl in the hot tub and it really helped me get sleepy as I was coming off the molly. Kelly announced that she was going out with Jess tomorrow night, and it made me excited to think that maybe Jess would hang out with us again soon. I really miss her.

This morning when Carson dropped me off, he kissed me and I wondered out loud if we were rolling too much. He smiled and said, I've told you before: You're my girl. I don't need molly around to have fun.

We decided to just go out to dinner this weekend—only the two of us.

I'm so pissed off right now. I don't know whether to be more annoyed with myself or Carson. It's not really his fault, I guess, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think about what happened last night.

Carson came and picked me up at seven just like he promised. He came in and saw my parents and I reminded them that I was going over to Kelly's tonight to spend the night after Carson
and I went out. I had zero intention of doing that, but Kelly said it was okay if I told them that.

So, we went to dinner. We had a great time. Just the two of us. We didn't even drink or smoke a bowl beforehand. Carson surprised me and took me to this cool Korean barbecue place where there was a grill in the middle of the table and they bring you raw meat and all the fixings, and you cook it yourself. I had never done anything like that before, and it was really delicious. What was even better than the food was the way that Carson and I got along. I mean, we usually get along and everything, but this was something more. I felt like he was actually my boyfriend last night. He talked about heading to college near San Francisco, and actually talked about me coming up to visit.

Part of me knows that the minute he sets foot on that campus, he's going to be accosted by at least 100,000 college girls, and I have a feeling he won't even look back. But there's this part of Carson that is so painfully sincere, and that was the part that was talking over dinner. I didn't suddenly, unrealistically, hope that we'd be together forever, but Carson was so honest about his feelings that it made me feel special.

Is that lame? I don't care. Carson talked to me about how special I am to him and had all these specific things about me that he loved and appreciated, and no, they weren't all body parts.

This part of last night was so great that it makes me so upset and shaken up about what happened afterward. I guess it's not unusual that Kelly left me a message and said we should come over to her house. Kyle was having a few friends over for drinks and spinning some tunes before they went to this big club downtown. It was a twenty-one-and-over club so the rest of us couldn't get in, but we decided to go hang out with Kelly for a little bit before we went back to Carson's place.

When we got there, Reid and Sara showed up too. We all had some drinks. Carson made me cosmos again and was hanging all over me. He had his arm draped around me the whole night. I had two cosmos and was feeling pretty blitzed when Kyle and all of his friends headed to the club. I was feeling great, so when Kelly brought out the molly, I was all about it.

Carson actually looked at me and asked, Are you sure?

I yelled, HELL YES, and he laughed. But looking back, I was a complete fool. I think Carson would've rather gone back to his house and spent the night just the two of us. Instead, we dropped molly.

Kelly had a shit ton of it because Kyle had just gotten a bunch, and we all snorted two points right away. This was about ten thirty p.m., and around two thirty a.m., Kelly decided that we should all do a third. This amped us back up into the stratosphere
until about five a.m. We had plenty of water going, and a ton of great music. Kelly put on a whole show for us with glow sticks and some new black lights that Kyle had.

The thing I'm pissed off about is hard for me to even write down. Carson and I were making out in the hot tub as we were coming down. We'd been smoking some cigarettes out by the pool, and then got back in the hot tub, and he slid an arm around me. When I felt his biceps behind my head, I turned into him and cuddled my chin into that little space between his massive shoulder muscle and his neck. My head fit perfectly, and I wrapped a leg around him under the jets. When I did, I felt that he was hard as a rock, and reached down and gently squeezed. He laughed into our kiss and we decided to move inside.

Sara and Reid were lying on the big shag rug in the den. The TV was on and they had it hooked up to some graphics that were streaming from Kyle's laptop. Some kind of screen saver where the graphics danced along to the beat of the music. Carson and I lay down on the big sectional and started making out again. We were really getting into it, when I felt hands and arms and legs everywhere. It took me a minute to realize that Sara had gotten on the couch behind me and was kissing my neck and back. We were all in various stages of undress, but Carson and I had just been naked in the hot tub and had
wrapped up in towels when we came inside, so we were naked in pretty short order.

Here's the thing: Sara is a really pretty girl, but if you'd asked me when I was sober if I wanted to make out with her, I'd have been like, Uh, no. It's not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just I'm not into girls. But all of a sudden, there's Sara kissing my neck from behind. Her bra is off and her breasts are pressed up against my back, and as I open my eyes, I see Carson catch a glimpse of the two of us, and the look in his eyes totally turned me on. I wanted to climb onto him right then and there, but I decided I'd give him a little show. Plus, it was sort of pleasant kissing Sara, so I just decided to go with it.

So I turned to Sara and really started making out with her. Our breasts were rubbing up against each other and stuff, and it was getting me really turned on feeling how hard Carson was. He'd scooted up behind me on the couch when I turned around to make out with Sara, and I could feel he was so hard and had pulled down the towel and was rubbing against me, teasing me from behind. It all felt perfect, so I just backed up against him, and I heard him let out a big breath as he pushed into me.

I just sort of lost myself in it. Having Carson inside of me and feeling his hands running up and down my chest as Sara kissed my mouth and neck . . . the pleasure just coursed
through me, wave after wave. I don't even know how long we'd been having sex, but at some point I opened my eyes and saw Carson smiling at me, staring into my eyes with so much love, and as I pressed back again for the next thrust, I realized that it wasn't Carson behind me anymore. I was staring at Carson, and Reid was inside me. Sara's head was buried between Carson's legs, and he was pulling me close again, kissing me. At first I was alarmed, but that's the thing about molly—you can't really hang on to the negative stuff, especially if anything physical is happening to your body. Every sensation is amped up to one hundred times one hundred, and even as I tried to wiggle away from Reid, I could feel him being turned on by it, and I was turned on by the fact that he was turned on. I mean, my body was turned on, but my brain was trying to put the pieces together. Something was wrong. I tried to say “wait” and “no” and “stop,” but did I actually say any of those things? I can't remember. All I remember is Carson pulling me toward him, feeling his breath on my ear as he told me how beautiful I was and how amazing this felt.

Then we were all crying out with pleasure—first Carson, his whole body shuddering again and again as Sara finished him off. The sound of his voice and the feel of his arms quaking around me sent me into another spasm of moans, and as
I bucked against Reid, I felt him finish in a fit of jerks and groans.

Afterward, we all collapsed in a pile. We wound up back in the hot tub watching the sun come up, laughing and blissed out and smoking pot and cigarettes. Luckily Kelly was already in her bedroom. A few hours ago, I woke up around noon in Carson's bed, and all I could think about was Reid behind me, moaning as he finished, and I felt like I was going to throw up. Carson dropped me off back at home, and I didn't even go inside. I just got in my car and drove back to the drugstore for more Plan B. This is NOT the way this stuff is suppose to be used. I know it. I'm supposed to be responsible enough to actually use condoms. I mean, if I'm adult enough to have sex, I should be adult enough to do it safely, right?

The worst part of all this is that Carson was so silent when he dropped me off. He gave me a kiss good-bye, but things were so great between us when we left the restaurant last night, and now this . . . I just think this has fucked everything up. Everything I felt from him, the respect, and his sweetness, and all of that—did I just kill that by having group sex with him? How can he respect that?

How can
I
respect that?

ARGH. I am so ANGRY at myself for not saying something. Fucking Reid. And what about Carson? It can't be all my fault, right? He was there too. When did he decide to switch with Reid? Whose idea was that? And why am I the one who feels guilty about it? I didn't ever say “YES” to having sex with Reid. Did I even have the opportunity to say no?

Mom and Ashley were out shopping or something this afternoon and I wandered into the kitchen to get something to eat. Dad was standing at the sink staring out the window into the backyard. He turned and looked at me and gave me the sweetest smile. There was something so loving and so sad in his eyes that I just started crying.

He walked over to me and put both arms around me and just held me there in the kitchen for what seemed like the longest time. He didn't say a word, he just held me. I felt the warmth of his face against my hair as he pressed his lips to the top of my head. I cried until I couldn't anymore, and as my sobs subsided, Dad handed me a glass of water and asked me if there was something I'd like to talk about.

I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to tell him so badly. I wanted to tell him all about Carson and Reid and what
had happened last night at Kelly's. I wanted to tell him how good it felt to do molly, and how bad it felt to not be sure about what happened last night.

Dad stood there and waited for a long time. I drank my water and handed the glass back to him. As he took it he smiled that sad smile again and said that he remembered a time when I told him all of my secrets.

I guess that time is long gone now. I could never tell my dad any of this. I could never tell anyone any of this.

As good as it feels to roll, as much fun as I have doing molly, I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it. I mean, I just had unsafe sex again—with a whole group of people. I don't know where Reid has been or what Sara has been up to at college. And regardless of whether my body felt good during the whole experience, my brain was in a different place. Molly can make my body feel good at times when I feel like I should be questioning what's really going on.

I've sent Carson a few texts, but I haven't heard back, which is unlike him and makes me really upset. I wonder if he hates me or thinks I'm a scum ball now. I wonder if he thinks I'm a dirty slut. Screw him if he does. He's the one who kept telling me how good it felt. Why is it that I would call myself a slut and not him?

I just got back from seeing Jess for the first time in what seems like forever. She was sort of wary of me at first, but she warmed up as we talked. I still haven't heard back from Carson. This is the first time we've gone without at least texting each other for a full twenty-four hours since prom. It feels so weird.

I told Jess that Carson has become more than a boyfriend—he's actually a really good friend to me now. I didn't tell her about the group sex right then, but I told her about the rest of the sex—even the unsafe first time and the Plan B and running into Mr. Peterson in the pharmacy. She thought that whole story was absolutely brilliant. She laughed so hard, and I started laughing because her laugh is contagious, and we couldn't stop for a long time.