Dancing with Bears (28 page)

“If he wants me to fight, I’m going to need a completely different set of makeup.”

There were other considerations as well. “How does this look?” Olympias asked, and the others paused to critically examine an outfit that showed enough of her to hold any man’s interest but not so much as to make her look as if she were trying to do so. It dazzled the eye without drawing it away from her face. It clung, but not in a needy way.

Russalka walked around it slowly. When she had made one full circuit, she abruptly grabbed the blouse’s neckline with both hands and yanked. Olympias stumbled forward. “No good. If the duke seizes you passionately, it won’t rip off.”

Aetheria held up another blouse. “How about this one?”

“It will rip,” Russalka said, judiciously rubbing the fabric between thumb and forefinger, “but not in a sufficiently fetching way.”

Euphrosyne lifted her skirt. “Do you think I should apply makeup down there?”

“On your wedding night? It would make you seem worldly.”

“But not in a nice way.”

“Anyway, if he gets close enough to see and isn’t already blind with lust, you haven’t done your job properly.”

“I saw you applying eau de cologne to your own garden of delight.”

“That’s not the same thing and you know it. No makeup.”

Nymphodora abruptly yelped and dropped a brooch. Holding up a finger, she wailed, “I pricked myself!”

The Neanderthals had retreated to the very back of the room, where they stood with their backs pressed against the wall, trying to look unobtrusive. One of them rumbled
sotto voce
, “Are you guys enjoying this?”

“To tell ya the truth, I got mixed feelings about the whole thing.”

“I got blue balls.”

“You and me, brother. You and me.”

They fell silent for a space. Then, with a mournful edge in his voice, Kull said, “This ain’t gonna end well for us, is it?”

“Not for us and not for nobody,” Enkidu said. “I’d bet money on it. If I had any money. And if anybody was stupid enough to take the bet.”

The others nodded glumly. But then Aetheria, whose outfit appeared to mortal eyes beyond improvement, made an exasperated noise and, suddenly deciding to start over from scratch, stripped off every scrap of clothing she had on. So they all, briefly, brightened.

Being male, they could hardly do otherwise.

Darger’s new plan was simplicity itself. He and Kyril would jam the hospital room’s door using linoleum tiles pried off the floor and not come out until all the Pale Folk were gone. They would wait until the corridor outside was perfectly silent. Then they would make their way outward and upward to the City Above, taking particular care to avoid the area around the docks, where the army of Pale Folk was assembling. After which, they would go in search of an all-night eatery, where Darger would teach Kyril how to convince the proprietor to pay them for eating there.

“Wait. We get a free meal and then we get paid for eating it? That ain’t possible,” Kyril said.

“Oh, it’s the unfailingest trick in the world.” Darger said, giggling and rubbing his hands together gleefully. “Only you must take care not to use it in the same restaurant twice, or you’ll end up behind bars.”

First, however, they had to wait. So they had doused the candle and were sitting quietly atop the gurney, ignoring the occasional rattle of the doorknob. The only light came from fugitive patches of lichen on the ceiling and walls. Their erstwhile surgeon sat slumped against a cabinet, staring at nothing in particular. “Heh,” she said softly. Then, after a long silence, “Heh,” again. Kyril suspected she was trying to laugh.

Exit the room. Turn left. Follow the others to the Pushkinskaya docks
.

Out of nowhere, Darger snickered. “Have I told you the one about the Phoenician wine merchant, the freedman, and—? ”

Kyril punched him in the shoulder. “Shut the fuck up! We’re supposed to be hiding,” he said. Then, to spare his mentor’s feelings, he added, “If you please.”

The hubbub in the hall outside slowly waned and lessened. The laughter faded to nothing. Then the small voice in the metal marbles that both Darger and Kyril still wore said,
Exit the room. Make sure nobody is left behind. Turn left. Follow the others to the Pushkinskaya docks. If you are among the last ten to leave, set fire to the room behind you
.

“Hey,” Kyril said. “Did you hear that?”

Set fire to the room behind you
.

Darger doubled over with laughter. “Thus does the mighty Armada of all our plans go up in smoke and panic!” he cried. “Set ablaze and cast into disorder and disarray by the fire-ships of circumstance!”

“I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. Make sense, why don’t you?”

“You accuse me of not making sense? Young sir, I assure you that the proof of my shrewdness can readily be found in the pudding of my discourse.”

Set fire to the room behind you
.

Kyril punched him again. “Never mind that! The question is, what do we do now? No, don’t answer that, your plans all suck. I’ll take care of this myself.” He pushed Darger flat on the gurney and held him down with one hand on his chest, using the other to flip the leather straps over his body. “See, this way they’ll think I’m taking you someplace else to operate on.”

“Dear, dear me, this is all just too amusing,” Darger said, convulsing with laughter. “And alarmingly badly thought out, as well. I mean, immobilizing me… Surely you can see it would be better to…? Oh, dear lord, that tickles!”

Set fire to the room behind you
.

“I’m only doing this so you won’t wander off.” Grimly, Kyril finished tightening the straps. “Don’t make me gag you as well.”

Darger whooped. “No, no, no, my dear fellow, allow me to do the honors: So the eunuch said…The eunuch said, ‘You think
you’re
disappointed? I had—’”

“Please don’t.” Kyril ran to the door and kicked away the tiles jamming it.

“You astound me. I’ve never met anyone your age with so underdeveloped a sense of humor.” Then, as Kyril seized the gurney, “Wait! Aren’t you going to bring along our former surgeon?”

Set fire to the room behind you
.

Kyril glanced quickly at the mindless thing slumped listlessly against the cabinet. “What, her? She ain’t nothing. I ain’t bringin’ her nowhere.”

“She is a human being,” Darger protested laughingly as Kyril slammed the gurney into the door, knocking it open. “Or was.”

Set fire to the room behind you
.

“Fuck that. We gotta get outta here,” Kyril said, thrusting Darger out into the corridor.

Behind them, the surgeon said, “Heh.”

But when they burst into the corridor, it was not filled with smoke. Nor were any of the rooms ablaze.

Instead, there were eight or nine bear-men standing calmly about, each a good two feet taller than a tall man, in the imposing white uniforms with gold trim of the Duke of Muscovy’s own Royal Guard. Several of them were efficiently arranging a coffle of happy idiots, tying each one by a single wrist to a long rope.

Kyril froze in astonishment.

“Well, lo and behold!” said one of the bear-guards. “Captain Inuka, we’ve got a last couple of stragglers.”

“Well done, Sergeant Wojtek,” said the bear-man with officer’s insignia. He took the stub of a cigar out of his mouth and flicked it away, not looking to see where it went. “You know what to do with them.”

Another guard went into the room Kyril had just left and yanked out the surgeon. “Make that three.”

Set fire to the room behind you
.

For the briefest instant, Kyril stood with his mouth open. Then he plucked the marble from his ear and threw it as hard as he could against the wall.

Sergeant Wojtek grinned, revealing more teeth than Kyril would have thought could possibly fit in a single mouth. “Yes. We tricked you.
Quel dommage, hein, mon petit canaille?
” He nodded at a scattering of leather masks by the feet of the other captives. “I imagine that, like everybody else, you thought you were the only one clever enough to come up with that particular ruse. Didn’t you?” He stretched out a paw. “Now, let’s get that thing off you.”

“Wait!” Darger shouted. “I have something important to say.” All present turned to him. There was an expectant silence. He cleared his throat and began, “A Phoenician wine merchant, a freedman, and an aristocrat all went to a brothel—”

Sergeant Wojtek looked bored. “Heard it already.”

“Oh?” Darger’s eyes glittered with mad humor. “Then how about the one about how Kyril the Bold escaped in a snowstorm?”

It was all the hint Kyril needed. Screwing up his face hard, he thrust a hand into his pocket and drew out his wad of rubles. With one all-toopracticed gesture, he snapped the thread and threw all the wealth he had in the world up into the air.

Banknotes snowed down.

“Money!” one of the guards shouted. For which small favor, Kyril was genuinely grateful. He hardly had the heart to shout the word himself. Instead, he proceeded to run as fast and hard as he could.

Behind him, the bear-guards were snatching bills from the air, falling down on all fours to scrabble for those on the floor, and fighting each other for stray banknotes.

Kyril ran. Even knowing that it was the man’s own idea, he couldn’t help feeling a little guilty at having to abandon Darger. But he was also, he had to admit, genuinely relieved to be rid of him.

Surely there was no dwelling place or domicile anywhere in all of Russia, from its richest palaces to its smallest and snuggest hovels, so cozy and pleasant as the sitting room in Koschei’s suite, which he now shared with Svaroži
č
and Chernobog. A fire burned in the hearth and parchment-shaded copper lanterns cast the warmest of glows over them all. A lump of frankincense on a saucer atop one of the lanterns sweetened the air. The three stranniks had been sipping hot tea through lumps of sugar and discussing theology for hours and were prepared to go on doing so until the sun came up. Reasons to praise God had no end, nor did they lessen in delight with repetition.

“To say that the mercy of the Almighty is boundless is to put limits upon His power,” Koschei said, “for it implies that His righteous wrath can be less than universal. No, God is both all-merciful and all-pitiless, and therefore it is heretical to call upon Him for forgiveness of one’s sins. For forgiveness is forgetfulness, and thus alien to the Omniscient One. Logic and devotion alike tell us that He can neither forget nor forgive.”

Svaroži
č
made a questioning gesture. To which Koschei responded: “Yes, you are right, dear one. This means that to our all-powerful Father love and vengeance are one and the same thing. Our sins are so contemptible as to be beneath His notice, and our virtues so slight as to be nonexistent. How then can we hope to coerce that Mighty Gentleman into doing our bidding? Only by praying for Him to ignore our petitions and to do as He would have done had we not so prayed. Join me now, beloved friends, and I will teach you the only righteous and proper prayer there is.”

Koschei closed his eyes briefly, gathering his thoughts. Then, raising his hands to the heavens, he said, “Lord, make us weak! Diminish us steadily as we grow older, enfeeble and unman us, weaken our senses, and then cause us to sicken and die! Make us vicious and unnatural and despicable in your sight! One by one, deprive us of all the pleasures of life, destroy all those we love, make the world hateful to us, and undo all certainties in our lives save only our trust in Your loving kindness.”

Bowing low over his clasped hands, Svaroži
č
prayed so intently that beads of sweat appeared on his forehead. Chernobog had slipped from his chair to kneel, head bowed, upon the carpet.

“Lord God, we further pray to You tonight that Your kind regard will soon fall upon this sinful city to reduce its buildings to cinders and ashes, to level the churches which teach only heresy, to cast down the nobles who rule in defiance of Your wishes, to fill the streets with corpses, and to send the few wretched survivors out into the wilderness to suffer and starve and contemplate Your goodness and die. Amen.”

Chernobog regained his seat. “The wrath of God is sweet,” he observed, “and the scourge of His persecution is a delight to the mortified flesh. I—”

There was a loud banging on the door.

Svaroži
č
rose from his armchair and smilingly bowed in two tremendous bear-men in the white-and-gold uniforms of the Royal Guard. They carried between them a narrow wooden crate, which they set down in the middle of the room. The salute they gave the stranniks was correct, but no more. “From Chortenko,” one said curtly. “He said you’ll know what to do with them.”

“So we will,” Koschei said. “What is your name?”

“Sergeant Umka, sir.”

“Tell me, Sergeant Umka, have you given much thought to your immortal soul?”

The sergeant held himself straight and stiff. “Our business deals with bodies rather than souls, sir. At the end of the day we reckon up the numbers of the living and the dead. If their dead outnumber ours, that’s generally considered a good thing. What happens to them afterward is the responsibility of somebody higher up in the line of command than I am.”

“You are a creature of the gene vat,” Chortenko said thoughtfully, “and all life created by Man is inherently blasphemous. Therefore, you and your peers are an abomination unto the Lord. Which means that either you do not have souls, or else you do but were irrevocably damned to Hell the instant your genome was first expressed. Am I right, holy Koschei?”

“Who could argue with such lucid and self-evident insights? In either case, Sergeant Umka, your focus on the transient phenomenal world is commendable. Let those who have hopes of Heaven cultivate their relationship with God and those who do not see to their duties.”

“Sir. Thank you, sir. May we leave now?”

At a dismissive wave of Svaroži
č
’s hand, the bear-men departed.

Koschei expelled an enormous sigh. “Our hour is come round at last. It is time for us to leave these comfortable surroundings and this sweet conversation behind forever, and to be about the holy, necessary, and painful work of Almighty God. Most likely, we shall never meet again. But let me reassure you, my dear brothers, that this is an evening I will cherish in my heart and memory for the remainder of my necessarily short life.”