Dance While You Can (27 page)

When I did, Henry was still sitting beside me and I wanted to die. ‘Is it Jessica? Is he going back to her?’

‘He has to, Elizabeth.’

I didn’t want to hear the compassion in his voice, I only wanted this to stop.

‘There was an accident. While you were away. Lady Bel, Alexander’s mother, was killed.’ I closed my eyes. ‘Jessica was driving. She’s in hospital. The doctors say she’ll be all right, but it’ll be some time.’ He waited a moment, then went on. ‘There’s something else, Elizabeth.’ I looked up. ‘After the accident, Jessica had a miscarriage.’

Again I closed my eyes. The bitter irony, after all the lies she had told him, was too much to bear.

‘Did you know Alexander thought he was . . . ?’

I nodded. ‘Why did she lie to him like that?’

He didn’t answer and I could feel the pain dragging me down, swirling through me in relentless waves.

‘He told me about Charlotte.’

‘Where is he now?’

‘With his father.’

‘She’s very like him, you know, Henry. She’s got his curly black hair, it even falls over her face the way his does. And her eyes. They’re grey, but she has tiny specks of blue in them. She knows how to use them, of course, just like he does. You know, she even laughs like . . . Henry, I don’t know if I can bear this.’

He reached out for my hand. ‘Come along, let’s get you out of here.’

He took me back to his flat in Eaton Square where we talked until it was dark outside. I had stopped crying by then, but I knew that in the months that stretched emptily and endlessly ahead there would be many more tears. I had lost him once, and survived, but I didn’t know if I could do it again. I didn’t know if I even wanted to.

Henry handed me my coat and tried again to persuade me to let him drive me home. I shook my head. I needed some time alone before I could face Charlotte.

‘He wants to see you, when all this is over. He’s asked me to find out where you live.’

I looked into Henry’s face, and felt the years slip away. It was as if we were all back at Foxton’s and Henry had come to tell me that Alexander wanted me to be in their play. I shook my head. ‘No, Henry. It’ll only mean more pain for those who love us.’ For the first time I was thinking about Edward.

‘What about Charlotte?’

‘One day I will tell her about him. She’ll come to find him, I know she will. Just ask him to be patient.’

He walked with me to the door. ‘Henry, please tell him . . .’ I stopped and looked into his face. His eyes were clouded and I guessed, in his own way, he was suffering too. ‘Nothing, it doesn’t matter, he’ll know anyway.’

I can’t describe the way I felt in the weeks that followed, I only knew that the pain was more intense, more agonising than I had known anything could be. I thought about him day and night, reliving every moment we’d spent together, and asked myself a thousand times why God was punishing us like this. But even as I asked the question, I still refused to believe that this was the end.

It was this denial of the truth that proved my downfall.

As I carried out the daily tasks that were expected of me, the certainty that Alexander and I would be reunited grew in my mind until everything I did was in preparation for his coming. I stocked the library with law books and had the Renaissance paintings in the long gallery replaced with Impressionists – Christine scoured the auction rooms, armed with lists of what to look out for. Westmoor was suddenly buzzing with builders, decorators, gardeners. I bullied them along, they must be finished by the time Alexander came . . . .

‘But it’s got to be done,’ I said, when Edward told me I was going to wear myself out if I didn’t slow down.

He smiled. ‘I’m going to Florence at the weekend. How about taking a break and coming with me?’

I looked at him, aghast. Couldn’t he see I was far too busy to go to Florence, why didn’t he take Charlotte instead?

But Charlotte didn’t want to go, either. At least, she did want to go, it was just that she didn’t want to leave me behind.

‘Leave me behind?’ I laughed. ‘If nothing else, it’ll be good to have you out from under my feet. Why aren’t you playing with your friends?’

She looked up at me with her big eyes and I felt a surge of impatience. ‘Honestly, Charlotte, I just don’t know what . . .’

‘Why are you always getting at me? What have I done?’

‘Done? You haven’t done anything. Oh Charlotte, you’re impossible. Why don’t you take the horses out over the downs, they could do with the exercise, and so could you.’

‘We took them this morning.’

‘Did you?’ I laughed. ‘I don’t know, there seems to be so much on my mind lately. . . .’

‘Can we do something together, Mum? Just me and you? You know, like we used to.’

‘Can’t you see I’m busy, Charlotte? He’ll be here soon and I . . .’

‘Who’ll be here soon? You keep saying that.’

I stared at her.

‘Who, Mum? Who’s coming?’

‘Why don’t you run along and find Edward if you’re going to Florence?’

I found her later, sitting on her bed combing her doll’s hair. She looked as if she’d been crying and turned away when she saw it was me. I had to swallow my irritation. ‘How would you like to come up to London with me at the weekend? We’ll go to the theatre.’ Alexander lived in Belgrave Square. I’d go there, tell him everything would be ready soon.

‘But what about Edward? He wants us to go to Florence.’

‘We won’t tell him. We’ll wait until he’s gone, then sneak off to London without telling anyone. Well, I suppose we’d better tell Canary. In fact, why don’t we take her with us? Run along and ask her, darling, I’ve got a lot to finish off here, and the designer will be coming back again this evening.’

We saw an unmemorable matinée at the Savoy, drove out to Hampton Court, tore round the zoo and went to hamburger bars and cinemas. I didn’t go to Belgrave Square, it wasn’t time yet. But I’d go soon.

When we got back to Westmoor Edward was still away, and the delivery men were waiting to install the apparatus in the gym. I supervised them as they unpacked, making sure everything I had ordered for Alexander was there. At four o’clock I dragged Charlotte along to visit Miss Barsby who lived in a cottage just outside the estate. Charlotte loathed the old woman and did very little to hide it. I watched with mounting annoyance as she delivered her monosyllabic replies to Miss. Barsby’s questions. I stood it for half an hour then, making my apologies to Miss Barsby, I took Charlotte by the hand and led her out to the car.

‘You’re a nasty, spoiled little girl,’ I said, once Miss Barsby had gone back inside. ‘She’s a lonely old lady who looks forward to your visits, and all you can do is sulk. Next week you’ll spend the whole afternoon with her, and talk to her properly. Do you hear me?’

Charlotte sustained a mutinous silence until we pulled up outside the house. I leaned across and threw open her door. ‘Go to your room. I’ll deal with you later.’

‘You’re always picking on me these days. I wish I’d gone to Florence with Edward, he’s much nicer than you. You’re horrible.’

She’d run into the house before I could catch her, and as the decorator was bearing down on me with yet more curtain samples for the new bathroom, I had to let it go for the moment. But it wasn’t forgotten, and the next day, although I had promised her she could go with Jeffrey to collect Edward from the airport, I made her stay in her room.

The new tennis courts were ready, so I challenged David to a game before lunch.

‘You mean you’ve got the time?’ he teased.

‘Don’t say it like that. It’s hard work getting this house together.’

As we strolled down to the courts Charlotte was watching us from her window. David waved out, but when I turned round she shrank back. The sun was already beating down, it was no day for a child to be cooped up in a bedroom, but when David started to plead on her behalf I shoved a racket into his hand and told him to play.

I wasn’t sure whether it was the heat, or the fact that I hadn’t had any breakfast that morning, but after four games I started to feel dizzy. And when I missed a fourth service David asked if anything was the matter.

After that I didn’t remember anything until I woke up in my bed with the doctor gazing down at me. I tried to struggle up, but he pushed me back. Then I heard Charlotte, sobbing outside the door. The doctor let her in and she ran into my arms.

‘Are you going to be all right, Mum?’ she said.

‘Of course I am, darling. I fainted, that’s all. And it serves me right, I shouldn’t have been so awful to you. Will you forgive me?’

She nodded and I started to get out of bed, reminding her that we had the summer fête to organise. At that moment the doctor came back, and when he saw me hunting round for my dressing-gown he started to shake his head. ‘Back to bed for you, young lady,’ he said. ‘Your brother-in-law has been filling me in on all you’ve been doing lately and – ‘

‘Oh doctor, honestly. It’s an extremely hot day, and you know what they say, a little hard work never killed anyone. So I’d like to get up now, if you don’t mind.’

The doctor put his hand on Charlotte’s head. ‘How about going downstairs and asking Mary to bring us up a nice cup of tea?’

Once she’d gone the doctor pulled back the bedclothes and pointed to the bed. ‘In you go,’ he said, ‘it’s about time you and I had a bit of a talk.’

I didn’t get up again until early September. During those weeks I couldn’t bear anyone near me except Charlotte, but even when she was there all I could do was stare at her and stroke her hair. I knew I was frightening her, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what the doctor had told me. I couldn’t even think of it myself. I had sworn him to secrecy, telling him I wanted to deal with this in my own time and in my own way.

Despite my breakdown, during this time I noticed that Edward was changing towards me. It was as if he had put a barrier between us. He was still as kind and solicitous as ever, but there was a ring to his voice I didn’t recognise. How much he understood about the reason for my breakdown, I didn’t know, but he was away more often than he was at home, and as far as I could tell Christine had all but taken over the daily running of his life. He talked only about her when he came to my room, and wouldn’t allow me to speak at all. It was breaking my heart to see how much he was suffering, but there was nothing I could do.

Then, for no accountable reason, I woke up one September morning feeling I couldn’t wait to face the world again.

Everyone looked up as I walked into the breakfast room, and the sunny smile I beamed at them so took them by surprise that Jeffrey, who was pouring the tea, allowed it to overflow into Christine’s saucer.

Edward stood up and put his arms round me. His kind face looked down into mine, and I saw the lines deepen around his eyes as he smiled. They were more pronounced now than they had been and I knew I was to blame. I reached up to touch his face, then pulling him closer, lifted my mouth for him to kiss me.

‘We must all go out for dinner,’ I announced, pulling up a chair. ‘Tonight. It will be a belated celebration of Edward’s birthday. What do you say?’

Still looking somewhat bemused, they nodded. ‘Yes,’ Charlotte echoed, giving her egg a bashing. ‘Can I come too?’

‘You’ve to be up for school in the morning, darling.’

‘Oh, Mum!’ she groaned.

‘Let her come,’ Edward said, tousling her hair. ‘We can always make it an early dinner.’

‘Yippee! Will you let me choose the wine, David?’

I looked at her aghast. ‘The wine?’

‘I’m afraid it’s her latest hobby,’ David admitted. ‘She heard Edward discussing it with someone on the phone, and insisted he teach her. The happy task befell me. No, no, don’t worry, we haven’t got around to the tasting bit yet.’

I shook my head and laughed. What would Alexander make of her? But I mustn’t allow myself to think of that.

We arrived home just before ten that night, after going to the French restaurant in the village. Charlotte fell asleep in the car on the way back, and drowsily insisted that Edward take her up to bed. David poured the brandy while we waited for Edward to join us. He was a long time in coming.

‘I had to tell her the story of Osiris and Isis again,’ he explained, as he came to sit beside me.

‘Who?’

‘The great Egyptian love story of an ancient god and his goddess.’

‘You must tell it to me sometime,’ I said.

‘Don’t, or he will,’ Christine warned. ‘But if he does, get him to tell you all the bits I’ll bet he misses out with Charlotte, like how Osiris’s body was cut into fourteen pieces, and the only bit missing when they put him together again was the phallus.’

‘I don’t miss those bits out at all,’ Edward objected.

‘Don’t you?’ I laughed. ‘Didn’t she want to know what a phallus was?’

‘She most certainly did, so I told her. Then she asked me if I had one, and then she wanted to know if she could see it. So I explained that it was a part of the body people didn’t show each other until they got married.’

‘Oh God, Edward, you’re the limit,’ Christine said.

‘You haven’t heard the best part yet. After complaining bitterly at how long she’d have to wait for that, she went off to inspect her dolls. Canary caught her. I tell you the whole thing was worth it just to see Canary’s face when Charlotte said “phallus”.’

I waited for the laughter to subside, then clutching my glass nervously and trying hard to sound casual, I said: ‘If Charlotte was to have a little brother, she wouldn’t have to wait quite so long, would she?’

I should have sensed the mood change then, but I didn’t. I looked from Edward to Christine to David, not seeing the emptiness of their smiles. ‘That’s why I wanted us all to go out to dinner,’ I went on, ‘but I didn’t want to say anything with Charlotte there – I thought I would tell her on our own.’

‘Tell her what, darling?’ There was an edge to Edward’s voice that in my excitement I chose to ignore.

‘That I’m going to have a baby.’

I heard Christine gasp, but she was looking at Edward. So was David. Their faces were white.

‘It’s due in February,’ I added lamely.