Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (3 page)

What Is the Scope of This Book?
I have written this book specifically with the goal that it be useful. I have sacrificed theory, no matter how interesting, if I did not think that it had a clear, practical application to the real lives of real women. Yet, in the process of writing about anger, I found that I not only had to narrow my subject; I also had to broaden it. The reader should be forewarned that this book does not lay out rules on “how to do it” in ten easy steps. This is because the ability to use anger as a tool for change requires that we gain a deeper understanding and knowledge of how relationships operate.

Thus, we will be looking at the ways in which we betray and sacrifice the self in order to preserve harmony with others (“de-selfing”); we will be exploring the delicate balance between individuality (the “I”) and togetherness (the “we”) in relationships; we will be examining some of the roles and rules that define our lives and serve to elicit our deepest anger while forbidding its expression; we will be analyzing how relationships get stuck and how they can get unstuck. We will see how close relationships are akin to circular dances, in which the behavior of each partner provokes and maintains the behavior of the other. In a nutshell, we can learn how to use our anger as a starting point to
change patterns
rather than
blame people
.

How Does One Make Use of This Book?
Very slowly. No matter how crazy or self-defeating our current behavior appears to be, it exists for a reason and may serve a positive and protective function for ourselves or others. If we want to change, it is important to do so slowly so that we have the opportunity to observe and test out the impact of one small but significant change on a relationship system. If we get ambitious and try to change too much too fast, we may not change at all. Instead, we may stir up so much anxiety and emotional intensity within ourselves and others as to eventually reinstate old patterns and behaviors. Or we may end up hastily cutting off from an important relationship, which is not necessarily a good solution.

This book will be most useful if you read it all. Don’t skip the discussions about children because you don’t have kids, or the chapter on husbands because you are single or divorced. What is important is the relationship patterns that I will describe. The specific partners are less the issue than the form of the dance and how it works. Remember that each chapter contains information that has relevance for any relationship that you are in. As you read, you can generalize to other settings and relationships, and the exercise of doing so is a useful one.

In order to use our anger as a tool for change in relationships, we will be learning to develop and sharpen our skills in four areas:

1. We Can Learn to Tune In to the True Sources of Our Anger and Clarify Where We Stand.
“What about the situation makes me angry?” “What is the real issue here?” “What do I think and feel?” “What do I want to accomplish?” “Who is responsible for what?” “What, specifically, do I want to change?” “What are the things I will and will not do?” These may seem like simple questions, but we will see later just how complex they can be. It is amazing how frequently we march off to battle without knowing what the war is all about. We may be putting our anger energy into trying to change or control a person who does not want to change, rather than putting that same energy into getting clear about our own position and choices. This is especially true in our closest relationships, where, if we do not learn to use our anger first to clarify our own thoughts, feelings, priorities, and choices, we can easily get trapped in endless cycles of fighting and blaming that go nowhere. Managing anger effectively goes hand in hand with developing a clearer “I” and becoming a better expert on the self.

2. We Can Learn Communication Skills.
This will maximize the chances that we will be heard and that conflicts and differences will be negotiated. On the one hand, there may be nothing wrong with venting our anger spontaneously, as we feel it, and without intervening thought and deliberation. There are circumstances in which this is helpful and those in which it is simply necessary—that is, if we are not abusive in doing so. Many times, however, blowing up or fighting may offer temporary relief, but when the storm passes, we find that nothing has really changed. Further, there are certain relationships in which maintaining a calm, nonblaming position is essential in order for lasting change to occur.

3
. We Can Learn to Observe and Interrupt Nonproductive Patterns of Interaction.
Communicating clearly and effectively is difficult even in the best of circumstances. When we are angry, it is more difficult still. It is hardly possible to be self-observant or flexible in the midst of a tornado. When emotions are high, we can learn to calm down and stand back a bit in order to sort out the part we play in the interactions that we complain about.

Learning to observe and change our part in relationship patterns goes hand in hand with an increased sense of personal responsibility in every relationship that we are in. By “responsibility,” I do not mean self-blame or the labeling of ourselves as the “cause” of the problem. Rather, I speak here of “response-ability”—that is, the ability to observe ourselves and others in interaction and to respond to a familiar situation in a new and different way. We cannot make another person change his or her steps to an old dance, but if we change our own steps, the dance no longer can continue in the same predictable pattern.

4. We Can Learn to Anticipate and Deal with Countermoves or “Change back!” Reactions from Others.
Each of us belongs to larger groups or systems that have some investment in our staying exactly the same as we are now. If we begin to change our old patterns of silence or vagueness or ineffective fighting and blaming, we will inevitably meet with a strong resistance or countermove. This “Change back!” reaction will come both from inside our own selves and from significant others around us. We will see how it is those closest to us who often have the greatest investment in our staying the same, despite whatever criticisms and complaints they may openly voice. We also resist the very changes that we seek. This resistance to change, like the will to change, is a natural and universal aspect of all human systems.

In the chapters that follow, we will be taking a close look at the strong anxiety that inevitably is aroused when we begin to use our anger to define our own selves and the terms of our own lives more clearly. Some of us are able to
start out
being clear in our communications and firm in our resolve to change, only to back down in the face of another person’s defensiveness or attempts to disqualify what we are saying. If we are serious about change, we can learn to anticipate and manage the anxiety and guilt evoked in us in response to the countermoves or “Change back!” reactions of others. More difficult still is acknowledging that part of our inner selves that fears and resists change.

For now, let me say that it is never easy to move away from silent submission or ineffective fighting toward a calm but firm assertion of who we are, where we stand, what we want, and what is and is not acceptable to us. Our anxiety about clarifying what we think and how we feel may be greatest in our most important relationships. As we become truly clear and direct, other people may become just as clear and direct about their own thoughts and feelings or about the fact that they are not going to change. When we accept these realities, we may have some painful choices to make: Do we choose to stay in a particular relationship or situation? Do we choose to leave? Do we stay and try to do something different ourselves? If so, what? These are not easy questions to answer or even to think about.

In the short run, it is sometimes simpler to continue with our old familiar ways, even when personal experience has shown them to be less than effective. In the long run, however, there is much to be gained by putting the lessons of this book into practice. Not only can we acquire new ways of managing old angers; we can also gain a clearer and stronger “I” and, with it, the capacity for a more intimate and gratifying “we.” Many of our problems with anger occur when we choose between having a relationship and having a self. This book is about having both.

“I so much wanted to come to your workshop, but my husband put his foot down. I fought with him until I was blue in the face, but he won’t let me come.”

“What was his objection?” I inquired.

“You!” she said. “He said that you were a radical women’s libber and that the workshop was not worth the money. I told him that you were a well-known psychologist and that the workshop would certainly be very good. I’m sure the workshop is worth the money, but I couldn’t convince him of that. ‘No’ was his final word.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Yes, so am I,” she continued. “And I’ve had a terrible headache since then and a good cry. But I did put up quite a fight. In fact, my husband even agreed that I could use some kind of help with my anger because I behaved so badly.”

I hung up the telephone and thought about the brief conversation that had just taken place. Clearly, this woman did not
have
to cancel her registration to the workshop. She could have chosen to do otherwise. She could not, however, have chosen to do otherwise without consequences. Perhaps the consequence that she feared was the loss of her most important relationship.

What is your reaction to the telephone conversation?

Do you think . . .

Or . . .

Do you think . . .

Or . . .

Or . . .

Do you think . . .

Or . . .

Or . . .

Do you think . . .

Or . . .

Do you think . . .

Or . . .

We may each have our own personal reaction to what Barbara says. Many of us will not
want
to identify with her story. Yet, what she does, and how she feels, is far from outdated or unique:

Are any of the above unfamiliar to you? Probably not. One or all of these things happen to us when we engage in ineffective fighting and blaming or when we are afraid to fight at all.

Unlike some women who dare not differ with their husbands, or lovers, Barbara has no problem getting angry. Her problem is that she fights in a manner that ensures that change will not occur and she
protects
her husband and the status quo of their relationship at the expense of her own growth. Carry on as she may, Barbara does not challenge the basic rule in the relationship—that her husband makes the rules. She “de-selfs” herself for her man.

What is “de-selfing?” Obviously, we do not always get our way in a relationship or do everything that we would like to do. When two people live under the same roof, differences inevitably arise which require compromise, negotiation, and give and take. If Barbara’s husband was upset about the workshop, and if the workshop was not really that important to her, she might have decided to forget it. This in itself would not necessarily be a problem for her.

The problem occurs when one person—often a wife—does more giving in and going along than is her share and does not have a sense of clarity about her decisions and control over her choices. De-selfing means that too much of one’s self (including one’s thoughts, wants, beliefs, and ambitions) is “negotiable” under pressures from the relationship. Even when the person doing the most compromising of self is not aware of it, de-selfing takes its inevitable toll. The partner who is doing the most sacrificing of self stores up the most repressed anger and is especially vulnerable to becoming depressed and developing other emotional problems. She (and in some cases he) may end up in a therapist’s office, or even in a medical or psychiatric hospital, saying, “What is wrong with
me
?” rather than asking, “What is wrong with this relationship?” Or she may express her anger, but at inappropriate times, over petty issues, in a manner that may invite others simply to ignore her or to view her as irrational or sick.