Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (25 page)

4.
Don’t use “below-the-belt” tactics.
These include: blaming, interpreting, diagnosing, labeling, analyzing, preaching, moralizing, ordering, warning, interrogating, ridiculing, and lecturing. Don’t put the other person down.

5.
Do speak in “I” language.
Learn to say, “I think . . .” “I feel . . .” “I fear . . .” “I want . . .” A true “I” statement says something about the self without criticizing or blaming the other person and without holding the other person responsible for our feelings or reactions. Watch out for disguised “you” statements or pseudo-”I” statements. (
“I
think
you
are controlling and self-centered.”)

6. Don’t make vague requests.
(“I want you to be more sensitive to my needs.”) Let the other person know specifically what you want. (“The best way that you can help me now is simply to listen. I really don’t want advice at this time.”) Don’t expect people to anticipate your needs or do things that you have not requested. Even those who love you can’t read your mind.

7. Do try to appreciate the fact that people are different.
We move away from fused relationships when we recognize that there are as many ways of seeing the world as there are people in it. If you’re fighting about who has the “truth,” you may be missing the point. Different perspectives and ways of reacting do not necessarily mean that one person is “right” and the other “wrong.”

8.
Don’t participate in intellectual arguments that go nowhere.
Don’t spin your wheels trying to convince others of the “rightness” of your position. If the other person is not hearing you, simply say, “Well, it may sound crazy to you, but this is how I feel.” Or, “I understand that you disagree, but I guess we see it differently.”

9.
Do recognize that each person is responsible for his or her own behavior.
Don’t blame your dad’s new wife because she “won’t let him” be close to you. If you are angry about the distance between you and your dad, it is
your
responsibility to find a new way to approach the situation. Your dad’s behavior is
his
responsibility, not his wife’s.

10.
Don’t tell another person what she or he thinks or feels or “should” think or feel.
If another person gets angry in reaction to a change you make, don’t criticize their feelings or tell them they have no right to be angry. Better to say, “I understand that you’re angry, and if I were in your shoes, perhaps I’d be angry, too. But I’ve thought it over and this is my decision.” Remember that one person’s right to be angry does not mean that the other person is to blame.

11.
Do try to avoid speaking through a third party.
If you are angry with your brother’s behavior, don’t say, “I think my daughter felt terrible when you didn’t find the time to come to her school play.” Instead, try, “I was upset when you didn’t come. You’re important to me and I really wanted you to be there.”

12.
Don’t expect change to come about from hit-and-run confrontations.
Change occurs slowly in close relationships. If you make even a small change, you will be tested many times to see if you “really mean it.” Don’t get discouraged if you fall on your face several times as you try to put theory into practice. You may find that you start out fine but then blow it when things heat up. Getting derailed is just part of the process, so be patient with yourself. You will have many opportunities to get back on track . . . and try again.

Of course, most important of all is our ability to take responsibility for our own part in maintaining the very patterns that evoke our anger. Triangles are the most complex relationship patterns to get a handle on, so let’s move on to review this subject.

When two people gossip, they are having a relationship
at the expense of a third party.
That’s a variation of the triangle. Because triangles lower anxiety, they are not necessarily problematic when they are transient and flexible. When a triangle becomes
rigidly entrenched
in a family, friendship, or work situation such that it interferes with healthy person-to-person relationships, then the connecting legs must be broken.

On the other hand, suppose that you and Sally continue to talk about Sue behind her back. This
deflects
you from dealing directly with Sue to work out the problem. You will feel closer to Sally because of Sue’s outside position, and in this way you
detour
your anger rather than deal with it. If the triangle continues to persist over time, any one of the following is likely to occur:

Can’t it be helpful to talk with Sally if you’re angry with Sue? If your intention is to get Sally’s perspective on your problem, and if Sally is able to provide it without taking sides, diagnosing, or criticizing either one of you, then a triangle will be avoided. More typically, however, we may begin with the virtuous intentions of clarifying the problem and trying to understand why someone is performing poorly, only to have our efforts turn into mutual criticizing sessions and the start of an entrenched triangle. It never helps anybody’s performance to talk
about
them rather than
to
them. The more other people get involved in a conflict between you and another person, the less likely you’ll be to resolve it with minimal anxiety and maximum clarity.

Here are a few do’s and don’ts to help you avoid setting up triangles at work. The following advice holds for a friendship or a family situation as well:

1.
If you are angry with someone, that’s the person you should tell.
Even if Sue is resistant, rebellious, or rude, she is still the person to deal with. And dealing with her doesn’t necessarily mean venting your anger at her. It means making use of everything that you have learned in this book—not with a third party but directly with Sue.

2.
If you want to go up the hierarchy with your anger, make sure to go through the appropriate channels and be open about it.
For example, suppose that Karen (Chapter 5) asked her boss to change her job rating from “Very Satisfactory” to “Superior” and he refused. If Karen wants a third party to review her evaluation, she can find out what the acceptable procedure is and tell her boss that she plans to go over his head and why. If you are open about bringing in another party and you make sure to use the appropriate hierarchy, you may avoid forming a triangle that will escalate anger and stress in the long run.

3.
When you are angry, speak in your own voice.
Whether you are addressing a subordinate or a superior, don’t bring in an anonymous third party by saying, “Other people think you’re difficult to work with,” or, “There have been some complaints about your attitude.” Nameless, faceless criticism increases anxiety and is neither fair nor helpful. If you have an issue with someone, use the word “I.” (“I think . . .” “ I feel . . .” “I want . . .” “I am concerned . . .”) Let other people speak for themselves.

4.
Avoid secrets.
If you believe that it is your job to let someone (Esther) know that she is being criticized or gossiped about—“Esther, I want you to know that Tom is telling people that you are alienating customers”—understand that Esther may want to go directly to the gossiping party to clarify the problem. If you plan to swear someone to secrecy—“Esther, please don’t mention anything to Tom or he’ll know I said something to you”—better to say nothing at all.

5. Don’t become the third party in someone else’s triangle.
If someone complains to you, you can listen sympathetically, but without blaming or taking sides. Often this doesn’t occur to us, but with practice it’s not hard to do. Remember that the best reason to avoid quickly becoming someone’s emotional ally is that others have the best chance of working out their own anger and negotiating their differences if you stay calm, stay out, and stay emotionally connected.

This concerned but neutral position is, in the long run, the most supportive one to take, for it helps facilitate creative problem solving in others. Suppose, for example, that
you
are supervising Esther, and Tom is complaining to you that she is rude to her customers. You can first encourage Tom to deal with her directly. If Tom says, “But I told her twice and she doesn’t listen,” you might tease him a bit and encourage him to grab Esther by the collar and try a third time. Or when you see Esther, you might say lightly, “Hey, I think Tom has a gripe about you. Why don’t you meet with him and straighten it out.” If you can maintain a low-keyed, nonreactive, noncritical position and express confidence that both parties can work out their difficulties, chances are that Esther and Tom will do surprisingly well.

What do you do?

Can you find yourself in one or more of the above responses? Let’s look at each position more carefully:

Position 1.
Here, you have a closer relationship with your mother at the expense of either your dad or your brother, who is in the outside position in the triangle. You are allied with your mother in a blaming position toward another family member.

Position 2.
Here, your mother will feel like the outsider in the triangle and she may redirect her anger toward you for not supporting her or not seeing the “truth” about your father or your brother. You are in a blaming position toward your mother and a rescuing position toward the other party.

Position 3.
Here, you try to help both parties and be a therapist in your own family, which is not possible. Your mother will either ignore your advice or tell you why it won’t work. You are in a “fix-it” or “peacemaking” position in the triangle.

Position
4. Here, you try to lower your stress level by avoiding your mother, resolving nothing in the long run and ensuring that the underground anger and intensity will emerge elsewhere. You are in a blaming and distancing position toward your mother in the triangle.

None of the above positions is inherently troublesome if it is flexible and temporary. As the Kesler family illustrates, however, positions in a family triangle can become rigid and fixed. As
daughters,
we are frequently participating in a triangle with our mother and one other family member—our father (if our parents are legally but not emotionally divorced, this triangle may be especially intense), our mother’s mother, or a sibling. As long as we take part in this triangle, our relationship with our mother is heavily influenced by
her
relationship with the other party. And our relationship with the other party is heavily influenced by that person’s relationship with our mother. In fact, every relationship on all three sides of the triangle is influenced by issues from another relationship. When triangles heat up, a lot of anger and stress may fly around, but salient issues do not get clarified or resolved. Remember also, a triangle is not something that another person
does
to you. Triangles require the participation of all three parties, and any one party can get out of a triangle—that is, if you can tolerate the anxiety involved in the process.