Damselfly (15 page)

“I hear Michelangelo was actually a better sculptor than painter,” Row says.

I’m nearly positive someone coached him to say this, but I guess I still have to come up with some sort of reply for this pointless conversation.

“That’s true,” I say. “His sculptures are superior. Most people prefer his
David
sculpture, but my favorite is the
Pieta
.”

“Oh, well, I actually have a surprise for you outside.” He shifts his weight from one foot to the other, his usual cheeriness curiously subdued.

“Let’s go check it out,” I say.

“Cut!” shouts the director. “Very nice work. Let’s move to the next set.”

Confident our mics are safely turned off, I lean over to Row. “Let me guess. It’s a reproduction of
David
.”

He barely nods, his lips pressed into a tight line. I can’t fathom why he looks so discouraged. Guilt over my inability to fake a good mood presses down into my stomach, but I try to ignore it. He can’t possibility think this could go somewhere. I can’t afford to think about that. I can’t hold his hopes or Blue’s or Al’s or any of the other Toms’. I can’t be their happiness.

Row stares at my face as though he’s reading my mind. “Would it really be so bad if you ended up with me?” he asks, his words measured. “Or—I can’t believe I’m saying this—any of the other guys?

Well, this is most unexpected. My mouth falls open, but I have nothing to say.

“I guess I don’t understand,” Row continues. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but it’s obvious you don’t want to give any of us a chance. At first, I tried to shrug it off and be understanding because it was more of a shock for you than it was for us. We knew the plan before coming here. It wasn’t fair the way they sprung it on you. But we’re all stuck here now, and I’m trying, really trying to make the best of it.”

I close my eyes. “Row, I’m sorry. It’s not what you think. It has nothing to do with you or any of the other guys.”

“What is it then? We’re not so bad, and we’re the only guys in the world like you.”

His blue eyes are completely devoid of bitterness or anger. I want to tell him. I’m so tired of all the lies and the secrecy.

“Can you keep a secret?”

“Yes.”

“The sort of secret you can’t change your mind about keeping once you’ve heard it?”

He thinks for a moment. “Yes.”

“I’m in love with someone else.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I realize how stupid they sound.

Row sighs. “Lina…”

“Don’t lecture me.”

“I wasn’t going to. I understand how you feel.”

“Oh, really? You’re in love with one of the scientists or something back at Lilliput II?” I can’t squash the sarcasm.

“No,” he says quietly. “Do you remember when you asked us about crushes the other day? I said my biggest crush was the landscaper’s daughter.”

“You made it sound like it was a long time ago.”

He rolls his eyes. “Yes, Lina, because I don’t want anyone to find out.”

“Oh.” I’ve never seen him irritated until now. “Does
she
know?”

“Yes. I told her about six months ago. I would have done anything for her.”

“What happened?”

“Her father was fired, and I haven’t seen her since.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right,” he says glumly. “It’s better this way since I’m not hoping for the impossible anymore.” He glances at me. “I’d hate to miss out on something good because I was holding out for a fantasy.”

“I don’t think it’s that simple.”

“That’s your choice.”

“What the heck does that mean? I can’t turn off my heart and my feelings and make myself fall in love with you. It doesn’t work that way.”

“No, but you can decide to make the best of it. You’re not the only one here with feelings, Lina.”

I stare at him, refusing to believe he’s made this so personal, as if this is all my fault. As if I asked for this. His face is pleading, uncompromising.

I clench my teeth together and walk out to the next set.

Chapter 19

We pass the rest of the date talking nonsense about Michelangelo and the glories of human achievement in art and science. Things I couldn’t care less about right now. I only barely keep my frustration under wraps until the cameras stop rolling and I’m carted back to my prison cell.

The assistant leaves, and the door closes. I’m all alone.

I’ve been wanting to be alone all day, but now that I’m here in this empty room, wrapped only in silence and walls that are annoyingly high, I feel like the only person on earth. I just want my old house again. Is that too much to ask? I want to be surrounded by things my own size, things that belong to me. I’m sick of sleeping on this giant pillow, of waiting for other people to bring me food and dress me. There’s not even anything for me to kick or punch with any satisfaction.

I fly up to the window and stand on the edge of the sill. A single yellow leaf swirls to the forest floor outside to join its fallen brothers and sisters. The trees have become clusters of dying sticks. Soon the snow will blot out the reds and browns and yellows, and the world will be black and white and blue.

I miss Jack. I miss him so much. I wish I’d never told Row. I’m well-aware of the fact that I’m a fool to love Jack. I don’t need to be reminded by someone else. I can’t toss him aside like an insignificant childhood crush.

Yet, a part of what Row said does make sense. It’s what I’ve been squirming against all day.

Being with Jack
is
impossible, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. Before today, I hadn’t realized I could ruin my chances with these guys forever if I blow them all off now. And while I might not be able to get over Jack anytime soon, it’s bound to happen someday, and then I’ll be all alone. I have a hard time believing that Dr. Christiansen won’t eventually find a way to create spouses for the other Toms. I mean, that would be a waste of perfectly good mini men. So, even if the Toms are still single, why would they want to date me later, knowing I see them as a second-best choice? Heck, forget dating. Why would they even want to be friends?

I bang my head against the cold glass several times as the tears come unbidden.

“Why can’t love be convenient?” I whisper.

The window and the world outside don’t have any answers for me.

The door beeps open and in walks Dr. Christiansen. She’s alone.

I shrink back against the window. I have no idea why she’s here. Did she hear me tell Row about Jack? Were those microphones on after all? Does she know I was in her office? Maybe there were cameras in there. Why didn’t I think about that?

She waits for the door to close behind her before speaking.

“The schedule has been changed. The show has received several new sponsors, so we will now be shooting on location. We’ll be leaving in two days.”

“For where?”

“I appreciate your cooperation so far, but be aware that we will be tracking your movements while on the road. If you try to leave without permission or go anywhere off the sets, there will be consequences.”

“Yeah, I remember. The kind of consequences that hurt an innocent guy who has nothing to do with any of this?”

Dr. Christiansen sighs. “There is more at stake here than your happiness or this young man’s. So, yes, if I can save many people by punishing a couple, I will. Because that’s what needs to be done.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means that I have a plan and it’s your duty to do as you’re told. Understood?”

I glare at her. I understand very well, but I won’t give her the satisfaction of a reply. She doesn’t seem fazed.

“We’re going to Hawaii,” she says. She doesn’t bother to wait for my reaction before leaving.

Chapter 20

Jack pushed the stem of a hibiscus bloom into my virtual hair. “There. A flower for a flower.”

I rolled my eyes, but my heart was bursting all the same. “Where did you get that line?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know. Also, I think you’re blushing,” he said with a satisfied smirk.

“Oh, really? And how would you know that?”

“Because your voice gets higher and louder whenever you’re embarrassed.”

I pressed my hands against my thighs to remind myself not to touch my fiery cheeks.

“Wow, this is some really great scenery up here,” I said, turning toward the view from the top of Diamond Head. Waikiki Beach stretched out below us, littered with hotels and long lines of waves racing toward the sand.

“Way to change the subject,” he said. “But yes, I love it up here, and I figured we’d skip the hike this time and load right at the top.”

“You really like mountaintops, don’t you?”

He shrugged. “I guess. I never thought about it before. Technically, this is a volcano though.”

“Close enough.” I climbed over the barrier and inched my way to the edge.

“You have a thing for edges,” he shouted after me while staying at a safe distance.

“What do you think happens if you jump while in a construct? I mean, you can’t die.”

“I don’t know. I just don’t think I could do it.”

That surprised me. I’d never seen Jack be afraid of anything yet. Yet there he was, hugging the rail like it was his new best friend.

“How about I jump first?” I suggested. “We’ll see what happens.”

“No,” he said, folding his arms. “I can’t let you do that.”

“Can’t? Let me?” I cocked my eyebrow at him. I took another step backward.

“Lina, please,” he said, misery edging his voice. “Don’t.”

The plea tugged at my heart, but so did the expanse of sky and the long way down. I knew I could do it and that it would be okay. Why couldn’t he just loosen up? I turned toward the edge and took a deep breath.

I jumped.

I wasn’t prepared for the sensation of being out of control midair. My wings struggled in the real world to right my body from its headlong virtual dive. Vomit crept up into my mouth, and my breaths came sharp and fast—too fast to deliver enough oxygen to my burning lungs. An outcropping hurtled toward my head, and at the last moment, I screamed. My virtual body hit the rocks and exploded. I felt no pain, but the screen went blank.

White words flashed onto the black screen: “You have died. Reloading now.”

Shaken, I watched as the top of Diamond Head materialized. Jack stood at the edge, staring down at the spot where I’d fallen.

“Jack.”

His head whipped in my direction. His face was scrunched into an expression of intense grief that transformed quickly into anger.

“Why the hell did you do that?” he demanded.

His intensity surprised me, but I snapped back quickly. “Because I wanted to. And nothing happened. Here I am. What’s the big deal?”

“I had to watch you jump to your death. That’s the big deal.”

“Except I’m not dead,” I said. His irritation was torqueing me off. “It’s just a video game.”

“Really?” He crossed his arms. “These dates are ‘just a video game’?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

He stared long and hard into my eyes and then turned away to look out at the ocean.

“Jack,” I said. He didn’t respond, which only irritated me further. “Jack, talk to me.”

His voice came out choked and strained. “Why? You don’t care about my feelings, so why should I do what you want? I asked you not to jump because I didn’t want to see it, but you did it anyway.”

He was crying. I swallowed my exasperated sigh and went to stand next to him. When I spoke again, my voice sounded small and whiny to me. “I don’t understand why you’re so upset…”

“Do you even know what I had to see just now?”

I bit my lip. All I had seen was a lot of red, then nothing. “No.”

He shook his head. “Look at that sunset. Does it look real to you? Do
I
look real to you? We’re inside the best simulation software ever created. I had to watch your perfectly simulated death. No one should ever have to see that.”

“I’m sorry.”

He took a deep, shuddering breath. “Okay.”

“I didn’t… I didn’t think about that part.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah.”

We stood there in silence as the sun was swallowed by the glittering horizon. I was still confused about what I should have done differently. I wasn’t used to others being hurt by my decisions, hurt by watching me hurt. The only person who came close was George, but he was still fine with watching me being chased by a giant, hungry falcon. I shifted uncomfortably next to Jack. I felt restricted somehow, but I couldn’t decide whether I liked it or not.

Jack’s ragged breaths slowly steadied as the last embers of the sun were snuffed out. Muted oranges, reds, and pinks melted into indigo, and the stars began to press through the darkness.

“This is beautiful,” I said through my fear.

He nodded and inhaled deeply. “Just promise me you won’t force me to watch something that painful ever again.”

“Well, technically I didn’t force you.”

He turned to face me. “You know what I mean.”

“Jack, I’d hate to promise and then break my word later on unintentionally.”

He sighed and pressed his lips into a firm line.

“And no, I’m not trying to avoid your wishes here. I don’t want to make promises I might not be able to keep. But I can promise I won’t intentionally make you watch something that will hurt you unless it’s for a very good reason. That’s the best I can do.”

He shrugged, clearly not happy with this concession. “All right.”