Damaged and the Beast (40 page)

“I’m glad.”

“That’s it? You’re glad.”

“I can’t talk about things when I’m working.”

“When do you have your break?”

“In an hour.”

“We’ll talk then.”

Despite the urge to say no, I missed Cooper so much I felt like nothing else mattered. The feeling was a lie though. My dream mattered, but I’d pissed it away. Or maybe I was always going to fail despite how hard I worked. Was I too stupid to succeed?

When I gave him a noncommittal nod, Cooper studied my face. I knew he wanted more than the nod. Apologizing to Nick wasn’t a Cooper move. He didn’t really think he was wrong. While regretting Nick was really hurt and worrying over me leaving him, Cooper didn’t genuinely feel guilty. He viewed me as his and anyone who interfered was an obstacle to be eliminated. Cooper’s ferocity might be terrifying, but at least he succeeded when he put his mind to things. I couldn’t claim the same about myself.

After I fed Cooper, I waited for break time when I would tell him how no amount of apologies could fix what was broken. I was the problem. Cooper was merely the symptom.

We stepped outside because I sensed he might not take things well and would get loud. Cooper reached for me immediately like he was dying without my touch. Even wanting to be in his arms, I stepped back.

“How much do you plan to punish me before we’re okay again?” he asked with a needy gaze.

“It’s been less than a day. Besides, I’m not punishing you. We just can’t be together.”

“What the hell is it now?” he asked. While his words were angry, his tone was more desperate.

“I need to focus on school,” I muttered, avoiding his gaze. “I can’t get distracted.”

Cooper erased the space between us and lifted my chin to force me to look at him. “I want to spend my life with you and I’m a fucking distraction?”

“I failed all of my tests, Coop. If I was anyone else, I’d be on academic probation,” I whispered, feeling ashamed. “I’ve always been a good student and I could get kicked out if I don’t pull up my grades.”

“Fuck that. I’ll get it fixed.”

“No,” I said, stepping back. “Being a good student was the only thing I ever did well. I couldn’t protect my sister. I wasn’t popular or stylish. I never had any great skills, but I kept my grades steady. I was the good average student in every class. Now, I’m failing.”

“I’ll help you study. I’ll hire tutors. I’ll make it better.”

“I want to make it better myself. I want to succeed on my own.”

“You’re not on your own,” he said, cupping my face with his battered hands. “You have me. You have my family. You’re not alone anymore.” Stepping back, I hated to see his dark eyes filled with pain and even tears. “So you just throw me away like I’m shit?”

“It’s better this way.”

“How do you figure?”

“I don’t know. It just seems like a thing to say.”

“Am I supposed to wait around while you get your crap together and decide you have time for me?

“No.”

“So you’re fine with me fucking someone else?”

Biting back tears, I shook my head. “I can’t be with you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

“Yes, it does. You’re making a damn choice.”

“I’m trying to accomplish the one thing I’ve wanted all my life,” I whimpered, pleading with him to understand. “The one thing that gives me value.”

“Why can’t I give you value?”

“Because you’re the one with value. I’m just your girlfriend.”

Cooper looked at the passing cars then up at the half hidden moon. Suddenly, he turned and punched the brick wall. Once, twice, again and again, until I pulled him away. His hands were bleeding as he cupped my face.

“Fuck you, Farah,” he hissed. “I hate you for this, but I’m waiting until you realize how you aren’t alone because you and me are in this together. We’ll always be in it together because you and I are real in a way your silly childhood dreams aren’t. You are my treasure and I’m not letting you go because you got a few shit grades. Love doesn’t work like that.”

As easy as it might be to soothe Cooper and hope I could handle his love and my schoolwork, I knew easy choices were often mistakes. I needed to do well at school to have any value. Cooper couldn’t understand because he always had value. He had a life where one failure didn’t mean the end of the world. I had a life where one failure meant I was becoming my mom.

After using my apron to wipe his bloody hands, I inched back until I let him go. “I need to get back inside.”

“Can I drive you home?”

His gaze reeked of need and his breathing was rough. He was a man barely holding onto his control, but I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I couldn’t even give myself what I needed.

“No thank you.”

Cooper’s shoulders sagged and he finally understood. He walked past me, yet stopped at the curb and sighed. “You’re still my girl.”

“Okay.”

Without looking back, Cooper climbed on his Harley and left. I didn’t know how to fix everything I had ruined. It wasn’t as simple as going to a guy, paying his bills, playing buddy, and making things right. I needed to bring my sister to Ellsberg, but had no idea where she was. I needed to be a teacher, but couldn’t even pass my first tests. I needed Cooper, but had brought out the worst in him. Everything I needed was out of reach, so I returned to wiping clean tables and filling already full ketchup bottles.

Thursday sucked from the moment I woke up to the sounds of my mom’s horny cries to the walk to bus stop in the rain. I tried to pay attention in class, but my mind was everywhere else. At lunch, Skye talked non-stop about her vagina. It started with her concerns about natural childbirth and just dragged to her wondering if she smelled weird. I was relieved she didn’t ask me to take a whiff and give her my opinion.

Walking into Spanish class, I saw Cooper, but avoided his gaze. I was tired and he looked so handsome in all black. I remembered how we planned to see a movie that weekend and go swimming if the weather was decent. Instead, I planned to study and try to catch up when I was completely lost. Scheduled to work with a tutor on Monday, I wanted to cram ahead of time so I wouldn’t look stupid. It reminded me of how people cleaned their houses before the maid arrived.

As I left class, Cooper blocked my exit and I finally looked up at his beautiful face. I knew that face, every curve, every feature. I missed that face, but was too tired to argue again.

“I’m going to help you study and get your grades up.”

“Coop, please…”

“Please, help you? Yes, I will.”

Tears pricked at my eyes and I glanced around. “I’m really failing.”

“And I’m going to help you.”

“So we can date again?”

Cooper’s expression darkened. “What we did wasn’t dating. What we did was fall in love and I want you back. If you can’t be with me until your grades are solid, we’re making them solid.”

“I can’t be with you.”

“Farah,” he whispered in a harsh tone that startled me. “You’re not listening. I can see you’re tired and stressed, but listen. You’re failing this class, but I’m not. You need my help. I want to help you because I love you and want you back, but those aren’t the only reasons. I also know you deserve to do well. You worked too hard to get to this fucking school just to get distracted.”

Cooper was right about a million things. Mostly that I was tired and stressed. I never slept well when away from him. I didn’t eat well either. Cooper had provided too many missing needs from a lifetime without. Now, I’d lost him because I failed.

“What grade did you get on the Spanish test?” I asked as he took my books into his arms.

“An A.”

Staring at him, I couldn’t believe he did so well when I did shit. He must have seen the horror in my eyes. Not only the shock, but the disgust in myself for doing so poorly when my excuse for failing had done well.

“I’m older,” he said, nudging me out the door and towards the quad. “I’m used to college. And in case you forgot, I don’t have a job to go to after school. Every night, when I sit there with you serving me dinner, I’m studying. Now, I’m going to get you caught up.”

Cooper stopped at a picnic table and set down the books. “We’ll study outside where it’s nice. Later, I’ll get Tuck to bring us food. We’ll get all of your work done so you can start your shift feeling good.”

“Thank you,” I mumbled, taking his hand while fighting the urge to sob in front of everyone. “I’m really behind. Like I didn’t know what we were doing today in class. I used to be good at keeping up, but I’m lost.”

“So we’ll start from the beginning of the semester and get you caught up.”

Sighing, I wiped my wet eyes and stared at the laughing students nearby. When Cooper leaned in, I realized how much I missed the feel of his breath on my skin.

“It took me a month to push you off course and it’ll take more than a day to get you caught up. Soon, you’ll be where you need to be and you’ll forgive me and we’ll be together.” His voice sounded so desperate and his gaze looked so dejected then he faked a smile. “I’m going to make sure once we’re back together that you have time to study. I want you to be a teacher like you dreamed.”

“It’s not your fault. You know that, right?” I said, feeling like I might drop from exhaustion. “I made bad choices.”

“I’m not a bad choice,” he muttered. “But I didn’t make sure you were okay. I just wanted you to have fun, but I left you no time for school.”

“It’s really not your fault.”

“It’s not your fault either.”

“How can it not be my fault?” I asked, frowning at him.

“It just can’t. I say it’s not, so it’s not. You’re too serious and you dump too much blame on yourself. You didn’t protect your sister. You don’t work hard enough. You didn’t do this or that. You aren’t perfect, but you’re perfect for me. I’m going to be perfect for you too and I’ll do that by being the best fucking tutor the world’s ever seen.”

Laughing, I looked at the books. “I can say and write hello and goodbye. That’s it.”

Cooper gave me a weird look for the slightest second and I knew he was shocked by how little I had picked up over the last month.

“I understood everything in class,” I explained. “Then later, it got all jumbled in my head.”

Giving me a nod, Cooper sat down. I joined him on the bench, careful to avoid touching, yet wanting to be in his arms so badly. Cooper missed me too. It was written all over his face.

“We’ll start at the beginning and get you caught up. It’ll be fine.”

This time when I nodded, I actually felt like I would improve my grades. Cooper kept his word about staying focused and, hell, if he wasn’t a great tutor. He spoke softly, taking his time to go over his notes from the first week. By the time Tucker and Maddy arrived with burgers, I felt like I was getting some of the early stuff. The four of us ate dinner before Cooper worked with me for another half hour. Finally, he drove me home where he waited as I dressed for work.

“I’m going to drive you each night like before,” he said as if it wasn’t up for discussion even though his gaze was worried.

“I’d like that.”

Cooper gave me a small smile then we walked out to his bike. During my break, I sat with him and he quizzed me on what we had worked on earlier.

This was our new relationship.

During the weekend, we studied at my apartment while Amy went with Tex to a casino. We talked and ate, but no fooling around. Cooper did more than help me with Spanish. He basically re-taught me everything I hadn’t picked up the first time. By the end of the weekend, I thought he was the one who would be an amazing teacher.

Once the school week started, Cooper picked me up every morning. We hung out in Spanish class and studied afterwards. We ate dinner while studying then he drove me to work. Also on Monday, a still bruised Nick returned to school and acted like nothing ever happened. He was friendly, but not too friendly. While Cooper faked like he and Nick were buddies, I knew he would find it easier to pretend if we were back together. Feeling insecure, Cooper still stood a little too close to me whenever Nick was in the vicinity.

By Wednesday, I was feeling pretty confident. As we sat on the quad studying like usual, my arm touched Cooper’s and his gaze met mine. His eyes pleaded with me for a crumb of hope.

“I have a quiz in most of my classes on Friday. I think they want to see who used last week’s wakeup call to study.”

His arm still against mine, Cooper only nodded.

“I was thinking we could see a movie on Saturday. I could pay and everything.” When Cooper reached for my face, I let him caress my cheek as I continued, “I was thinking I could spend the weekend with you too.”

“But only if you do well on the quizzes, right?”

“No,” I said, holding his gaze. “If I do badly on them, it’s just me fucking up by not being smart enough. It’s not like I haven’t studied or you haven’t helped me. Whatever happens, I still want to spend the weekend with you.”

When Cooper kissed my forehead, I scooted a little closer so my hip pressed against his.