DAMAGED - A Bad Boy Romance (97 page)

“Never,” he replied, though his voice was only a gasp of pleasure.

“Louder,” I commanded.

“Never!” he cried out.

“That’s right,” I said, holding onto his hips while fucking him hard in the ass.

His entire body would shake and move while I fucked him. Even though he was a tight and muscular guy, I could still see ripples from my impact spread across his body.

“Lay down on the floor,” I told him. “I want to watch you jerk yourself off while I fuck you.”

He lay down on the ground, like I instructed. His back was on the floor and he hugged his left knee to his body. I positioned myself in the opposite direction so I could have clear access to his ass, and watch while he yanked on his own cock. I wasn’t’ able to get in that deep, but he was already open, and I didn’t really feel the need to dominate him any more.

My movements slowed down, and I began to rock myself in and out of his body while he gasped and pulled on his cock. Another aspect I enjoyed about this whole experience was watching five or so inches of my cock disappear into his body. I would pull out, and enter him again completely just to watch the process happen. It seemed like I would never get bored of the sight.

He came again, and quickly. The second load was much more sparse than the first. His body was limp and his dick went soft quickly. I pulled out of him and squatted over his chest so I could finish on his face.

“I hoped we could cum at the same, time,” I told him, “but this will have to do.”

Grabbing his head and shoving it onto my cock, I pushed him onto me until I came. I wasn’t able to keep my dick inside of his mouth the whole time, and I pulled out in mid climax. My sperm shot off along the right side of his face. I remember looking down in the middle of the orgasm, thinking about how beautiful his eyelashes looked caked with a strand of my cum. He blinked, and the right eyelid got stuck in a thick white clump of sperm. I closed my eyes and finished, and then collapsed onto his body.

Together, we breathed past our own separate climaxes. We had achieved something together, and I had a feeling inside of me that the future of our relationship would be one of equity and exploration, rather than dominance and cruelty. The feeling of our chests rising and falling on each other as a thin layer of our cum was delightful. I reached my head up to kiss him on the lips, and tasted my own sperm. The taste was arousing, and brought me out of my post-coital stupor.

Sliding upward on his body, I began to lick his face until he was clean. Then, with my mouth full of cum, I kissed him. We swapped back and forth for a while, just playing with each others tongues and lips. Eventually the cum was gone, but the kisses remained. I hadn’t planned on experience something so full this early in the day, but then again, I hadn’t planned on much of any of this relationship. What really made things happen was my willingness to move forward with trust. By being open to the moment, and not running away from things when I felt confused, I was able to get a glimpse of what love might just look like.

After kissing one another, we laid together in the sunlight offered by the only window in Stoker’s apartment. The afterglow was a wonderful experience, and might have actually been more enjoyable for me than anything else that we did together. I missed out on having an after-sex cuddle session the night before. Sharing lust and intimacy with someone else was definitely something that I could get used to in life.

I didn’t want to count on him, or pressure myself into the context of a relationship because I knew that sometimes relationships didn’t work out. Besides, the way that things started with he and I, this was far from a conventional relationship. It seemed to me that what Stoker had said about knowing people’s personalities was just as viable when considering relationships. If I had a preconceived notion of how our relationship might go, then I think the possibility that I might be disappointed, or experience some kind of conflict was more likely.

Better to just appreciate it for what it is
, I thought to myself.

With our bodies resting next to one another, breathing the deep sighs of satisfaction, that didn’t sound like a terrible fate at all.

***

In retrospect I don’t imagine that the spiritual fulfillment I was looking for was quite what I found. I suspect that’s the way it goes with seeking nirvana. You don’t get what you want, but you get what you need, or some other truism like that. I had no idea that getting fucked would be such a transformative experience for my life. In retrospect, almost every single revelatory experience I had undergone hadn’t exactly come about as a result of my own plans.

I wanted to find union with God, but I see now that my quest for enlightenment through masturbation was really a plea for connection. For sure, you can connect with yourself, and I feel like I did a pretty good job of doing that. I also think that there is definitely more to explore in the area of sacred sexuality. The concept of using sex as a meditative practice probably only increases in potency when you practice with another person. When it comes right down to it, I feel like human beings are here to experience connection with one another. Naturally, being a human being means that you need to be comfortable experiencing connection with yourself. I just feel that it was short-sighted of me to imagine that connecting with myself was a viable surrogate for actually experiencing love with another human.

The strangest thing about connection is in order to find it, you really have to let go of your preconceptions. If I had spent all of that time looking for the ideal mate, I would have never found Stoker. In fact, I doubt I would have thought of him as my ideal mate at all. The truth of the matter is, I’m incredibly glad that we found one another. At present, I tend to believe that while who we choose to connect with is important, it might be more important to simply be available for connection; any other approach just doesn’t seem receptive enough to really gain what life has to offer.

I’m not sure there is a way to realize a purely passive form of spiritual perfection. Life is messy, and human beings are probably the number one contributor to the chaos that we call society. Everyone has a theory on how to make things better, that’s what I see as the primary goal of spiritual perfection. It’s so easy for me to get depressed, and want to find a reclusive hideaway -- some place where I can be in the presence of some eternal peaceful energy. Frankly, I’m not certain that exists in reality. From my point of view, it looks like we may be able to glimpse those moments along the way, but in between, there are going to be a lot of times that feel like getting fucked in the ass in front of a crowd of drunk people. I figure I might as well learn to enjoy both experiences, and maybe do a bit of the fucking myself.

Stoker showed me that both dominance and passivity require responsibility. Just being passive means that I am letting the world act on me, and my only job is to be receptive. The problem with being exclusively receptive is that it can be so easy to paint oneself as a victim. As soon as victimhood hits, I am no longer being receptive. I am engaging within a complex power game. All of the sudden, shame, guilt, and obligation rear their ugly heads; once that happens, I seriously doubt that humans have any ability at all to keep the larger picture in perspective.

On the other hand, much of the suffering we experience in life has to do with dominance. I’m discovering over the course of our relationship that dominance can also be a way of expressing desire, and showing appreciation. It can actually be a firm, and helpful gesture that allows other people to really let go in the moment and enjoy themselves. The inherent responsibility of dominance has to do exclusively with cruelty. When dominating others for the purpose of serving myself, I am certain I am only being an asshole. Cruelty may not be the root of all suffering, but it certainly seems to be the primary contributor.

Together, I think we discovered that life is a lot more complex than either of us had previously considered. I know for a fact that before I met Stoker I was afraid to assert myself sexually. Now, I feel much more comfortable with my sexuality. I’ve found that being more confident in my sexual expression has lead toward a greater level of confidence outside of the bedroom as well. There is absolutely a difference between being confident and being prideful or cocky, but I think that those mistakes are simply errors that I will have to make along the way. Pride can be incredibly useful, as long as it doesn’t trample all over others in an effort to assert itself.

Humans are much deeper than we give ourselves credit for being. Honestly, I feel like for the longest time, I was afraid of that depth. Since I’ve allowed myself the possibility of being more than what I imagined myself to be, I’ve found an incredible amount of freedom life. Being gay in our society isn’t easy, but when given a choice to rebel against societal conventions or withhold the possibility of expressing love, I don’t have to think too hard about which choice I want to make.

The choice to continue forward in life, and live each moment to the fullest is a bit cliché, but it really is an opportunity that is available to each and every one of us. When we take a leap, we can’t know if we will fly upward into the sun, or fall down into the murky waters below. There is a chance, that neither will happen and we will actually know what it feels like to take flight. However, we need to be prepared for the fall, as an integral risk of knowing what it feels like to actually live.

Only the fallen ever really have a chance to discover what it’s like to really soar.

- THE END -