Daily Life In The Ottoman Empire (29 page)

PREARRANGED MARRIAGE

Family life in the Ottoman Empire began with marriage, and
all marriages were prearranged. In exceptional cases, young men escaped the
marriage arranged by their parents. Young girls did not, however, have any
other option but to obey the decision made by their family. Marriage was a
contract negotiated and executed by the families involved, and legalized by a
religious judge or another available member of the religious class.

Islamic law had not fixed an age for marriage, and in the
Ottoman Empire, as in other Islamic states, many families gave their young
children to marriage, although girls were not allowed to move into their
husband’s home until they had reached puberty. The Hanafi school of Islamic
law, to which the Ottomans adhered, made it very clear that a marriage could
not be consummated until the bride was fit for marital sexual intercourse. Only
after the establishment of the Turkish Republic were specific ages defined. The
new Turkish constitution fixed 18 as the youngest marriageable age for men and
17 for women, although, even then, the courts could be asked to sanction
marriage at 15 for either sex, but no earlier.

The planning for a marriage traditionally began when the
father of a young man decided that the time had arrived for his son to marry.
In some instances, the son initiated the process by informing his mother of his
desire to marry. Regardless, the father had to agree that the time had arrived
for his son to be married. Without his consent and support, the process of
selecting a bride and arranging a marriage could not begin. A good marriage was
a union that enhanced the economic and social status of the family. Every
effort was made, therefore, to find a spouse whose family held equal, or
higher, social and economic status. The family of the bride considered a
husband who was a hard-working breadwinner a good catch, while the parents of
the bridegroom regarded a young beautiful girl, who was well trained by her
mother in housekeeping and child care, as the perfect match.

Marriage customs and traditions varied from one community
and region of the empire to another, but the majority of Muslims shared many
common or at least very similar traditions and rites. Marriage to cousins,
particularly between children of brothers, was prevalent in many Muslim
communities, particularly in Anatolia, the Arab provinces of the Middle East,
and Egypt. In Egypt, when a man married his first cousin, the husband and wife
continued to call each other “cousin” because it was believed that blood ties
were indissoluble, but those of matrimony very fragile and precarious. In most
rural communities, the prospective bride was selected from within the village
and in many instances, from within the immediate or extended family.
Non-Muslims living in the empire followed many of these same patterns. Most
marriages were arranged among co-religionists and co-ethnics who resided in the
same village or neighborhood.

Many marriage arrangements followed a predictable
timetable. Inquiries were made among relatives, friends, and neighbors about
attractive, available, and well-bred girls. Negotiations began with a
go-between or a matchmaker, who provided the family of the prospective groom
with a list of young and available girls. Sometimes the matchmaker was a
relative or a friend of the family of the future groom and offered her services
as a favor. Once the matchmaker and the mother of the prospective groom had
agreed on a short list, they visited the homes of intended brides.

In small villages and towns, parents may have thought for
years about a suitable partner and spouse for their child. At times, they had
already selected the ideal bride years before their son and the intended bride
reached puberty and were old enough to marry. Consequently, a boy’s mother, who
had already reached a decision, might arrive at the home of the prospective
bride unannounced and request a meeting with the girl and her mother. More
often, however, the mother was accompanied by relatives, friends, and a
go-between, who requested a meeting with the mother of the prospective bride.
If the girl’s mother had any reason for opposing the proposed marriage, she
gave an evasive reply, which conveyed her refusal to consider the match;
otherwise she consented to a meeting and received her visitors with a show of
respect and honor.

The two mothers exchanged the customary compliments before
the girl entered the room dressed in her best. She kissed the hands of the
visitors and with downcast eyes, served them coffee and sweetmeats. The
visitors observed her physical appearance and, at times, asked frank questions.
This may explain why the guests took their time finishing the coffee. As long as
they were drinking their coffee, the guests could continue with the inspection.
Once they had finished drinking, the girl withdrew and the inspection came to
an end. It was always a bad sign if the visitors finished their coffee too
quickly. When the girl left the room, the mothers began to negotiate, but they
did not make a final decision. The mother of the girl asked the visitors about
their opinion regarding her daughter, and they responded by making flattering
comments about the beauty and manners of the girl, though they may have been
completely untruthful.

Sometimes the meeting between the mothers took place at a
public bathhouse. To arrange a meeting with the bride and her mother, the
groom’s mother would have let it be known in advance that she would be at the
bath with her relatives and friends on a certain day and time. One of the main
advantages of meetings at a bathhouse was that the prospective bride was
obliged to appear only partially dressed, and the visiting party could then
inspect her physical beauty and qualities in a more open and immediate fashion.
If the boy’s mother was not satisfied with the girl, or if she found serious
faults and defects, she would continue with her search until the right match
was found. If she returned from her inspection pleased and convinced of her
choice, however, she would share the news of her visit with her husband and
son.

As for the girl, it was the duty of her parents to ensure
that her suitor was of equal birth with them and that the match was suitable in
other ways as well. If the father of the prospective bride was deceased, her
oldest and closest male relative, usually an uncle or an older brother, acted
as her representative. To secure the consent of the bride’s father, and to
reassure him of the seriousness of their commitment, the groom and his family
sometimes dispatched a relative, friend, or even the matchmaker to the house of
the intended bride with gifts and expressions of genuine interest. In
submitting these gifts, the intermediary or the matchmaker tried to reassure
the family of the girl about their future son-in-law, often exaggerating his
personal characteristics and qualifications. She told them how gracious,
handsome, hardworking, and faithful the young man was, and that they had nothing
to fear for the future of their daughter.

The decision to accept the gifts and the marriage proposal
rested exclusively with the parents of the girl. In some instances, the father
of the girl rejected a suitor if he did not come from a suitable social and
professional background, or if the older daughter of the family was still
waiting for a husband. In most communities, tradition called for the girls to
marry according to their age and did not allow younger females to marry before
their older sisters.

MEHR

Once the bride’s father had expressed his satisfaction with
the prospective groom, representatives from both families began to negotiate on
the final details of the marriage, including the nature and the amount of the
dowry, the date for the wedding, and whether the newlyweds would live at the
groom’s house or the bride’s. The transfer of a dowry or
mehr
(Arabic:
mahr)
to the new bride sealed the marriage contract. Marriages could not be
consummated without the payment of
mehr,
which was a precondition for
the legality of the contract. According to Islamic law and the existing customs
and traditions, the bridegroom had to promise the bride the payment of a
certain sum of money in case he divorced her against her consent, or in case he
died. The
mehr
was frequently paid in two portions. The first portion,
generally stipulated to be two-thirds, was paid before the marriage contract
was signed. The second portion was paid only if the husband divorced his wife,
or if he died while they were still married. In some instances, a part of
mehr
was kept in trust for the bride to support her if the groom died or
divorced her. Some parents simply took the first portion of the
mehr
as
their own, treating it as a payment for the loss of their daughter’s labor. Regardless,
once the first portion of the
mehr
had been paid, the couple was
considered to be engaged.

Court registers from the 16th century indicate that at
times local customs conflicted with the laws of Islam regarding marriage. On “the
basis of several entries in the Ankara court registers for that period, it
would seem that a certain type of betrothal, called
namzedlik
(literally,
‘candidacy’) was quite common.” In “this type of arrangement, the father would
promise his daughter in marriage to someone while she was still very young and
would accept money or goods in return.” This “sum would be used by the father;
when his daughter came of age, he would hand her over to the man to whom she
was betrothed.”

In Egypt, the
mahr
for a virgin-bride was much
larger than the amount paid to a bride who was a widow or a divorced woman. The
exact amount, and the terms of payment, varied from one case to another and
formed a part of the premarital negotiations between families. The financial
capabilities of the groom and his family, the physical beauty of the bride, and
the blood relationship between the bridegroom and his intended bride were
important factors in settling the amount.

The bride did not usually take part in the discussions
surrounding the
mehr
and the details of the upcoming wedding. Instead,
she was represented by her family. As for the bridegroom, in many instances,
his uncle or other close and trusted male relatives negotiated with the family
of the bride over the exact amount of
mehr
and the final details, such
as the expectations for both spouses and what the bride would bring into her
new house in the way of linens, pots, and other household amenities. These
rituals and negotiations left no doubt that the consenting units were families
rather than individuals. The marriage was not just between a man and a woman,
and the happiness of two individuals was not viewed as the supreme concern. Out
of the marriage, two families emerged as a unified team, which would support
each other and look out for each other’s interests.

Once negotiations between the two families had reached a
full agreement, the groom’s mother, acting on behalf of her son, asked for the
hand of the girl from her mother. Heading a group of female relatives and
friends, she went to the bride’s home with several yards of red silk and a
basket of candies. The red silk, which would eventually be made into an
undergarment for the bride, was spread on the floor so that the bride could
stand on it. On this occasion, the bride had to demonstrate her respect and
obedience to her future mother-in-law, into whose house she would move, by
serving her coffee or tea as a sign of respect. The bride would then take a
bite from a candy and express sincere gratitude to her future mother-in-law by
kissing her hand. The portion of the candy she had not eaten was returned to
the mother of the groom, so that she could give it to her son as a symbol of
the bride’s commitment to share her life with him. The bride also sent a
package of presents to her future husband and his family. The gifts were
presented to the groom and his family by an elderly female, who was usually a
relative or trusted confidant of the girl’s family. The presents she carried
might include shawls, shirts embroidered with pearls, handkerchiefs, braces,
and “candy-filled box of mother-of-pearl in tortoise-shell.” At times, the
bride also sent a variety of special foods and dishes.

Among the affluent, the groom responded to these gifts by
sending his bride and her family several trays of presents. The first contained
house slippers, a silver hand mirror, perfumes, and a wedding ring that was
placed inside a small silver box. The second tray carried flowers, and the
third held baskets of fruit. The fourth carried baskets of sweets, spices,
coffee, colored wax candles, and bags of henna from the holy city of Mecca. The
fifth tray held the material for the wedding dress and other clothing material,
as well as a pair of clogs, a silver basin, and a number of combs, which could
be used by the bride when she went on her weekly visit to the bathhouse. Each
tray was tied in muslin and decorated with ribbons.

ENGAGEMENT AND WEDDING

All ethnic and religious communities in the Ottoman Empire
attached considerable importance to the formalities of engagement and wedding
ceremonies. Among wealthy Muslim families, weddings consisted of a week of
activities, rituals, and festivities. Before the festivities began, however,
the men from both families gathered and agreed to a marriage contract in the presence
of an imam who had received the marriage permit from the local religious judge.
The responsibility of the imam was to read the marriage contract and secure the
signatures of the bride and the groom or their male representatives.