Dads: A gay couple's surrogacy journey in India (35 page)

So be patient! Small tip for security checks. Split up (unless you travel solo), let someone empty the electronics bag and someone the baby bag. Don't wear laced shoes, don't wear belts and bling bling you'll have to take off. Prepare. Take off jackets before it's your turn, that way you'll be through security in a breeze and you'll avoid the glares of others. Some people will require you to put the stroller through the X-ray machine, others won't. Ask. Most security staff will be happy to help a parent with a baby (and some will ask stupid questions, like “where's his mom…” Ignore!).

In summary... Be prepared, the more you know about your trip, the calmer and more relaxed you'll be. Bring plenty of food and toys for the baby and extra pacifiers. Most important of all, “ohm.” Be relaxed yourself and enjoy the trip. The happier you are, the happier your child will be!

Happy travels!

Dear Sascha, beloved son!

I wrote my first
blog post
about our journey that would eventually lead us to you more than a year ago. Only days before that post, we had received devastating news about a foster child that was supposed to have joined our family. So much has happened since, with over 70 blog posts documenting our journey.

I did that as much for you to one day be able to trace your journey into this life, as for your father and I, so that we will never forget.

One of the most amazing side effects of my blogging is the many friends we've made along the way. From the amazing staff at
SurrogacyIndia
, to people who found out about the blog and who have followed us, friended us on Facebook, and followed us on Twitter. Some we've even met while we were in India when you were born.

Horsing around with daddy. You love that, right?

I understand that for a great many of them, the information that I was able to provide was very helpful. And so much has happened since. India has closed its borders to single parents, effectively blocking all gay couples from becoming parents in India.

It seems that Indian politicians are upset for not being 'awarded' a cut from the 1+ billion dollars the LGBT community brings (sorry, brought) to the country annually for the past few years. Very sad, but Indian politics is all about bribes. The more you bribe, the better off you are.

We have no idea if that is going to change. There is much talk about taking the fight to the courts, but I assume they're as corrupt as the politicians, and the local administration officials we had to bribe to get you out of the country. It's a mess, and no one knows if we'll ever be able to get you the sibling we so much want to provide you with. The embryos we still have in deep storage in Mumbai may just have to be “destroyed” eventually…

Two weeks ago, we got news from the district court. Your adoption by Alex came through and he will become your legal guardian alongside me on September 26, finally ending all the “legal” obstacles we've had to overcome. Now we have to battle government agencies just like all families here in Sweden. Bad enough, but a topic for another time.

But before the adoption is final, we get to celebrate something else. This Saturday, we'll celebrate your six month birthday. It's almost impossible to believe just how fast time has passed. You're growing like a weed, developing more rapidly than I ever thought possible, and it's been a pleasure following your progress. As of next week, I'm passing the torch of primary care to Alex. He's going to stay at home with you from now on while I finally get a chance to
finish my next novel
and get out there again and
consult & teach
, starting this Friday in Borås.

Our journey as a family has only begun, and I'm sure we'll have plenty more adventures ahead of us as you grow and fulfill your potential as a human being.

No matter what the future holds in store for us, know that we love you more than anything else, and we'll always stand by your side!

Love,

Dad

THE END (for now…)

Even as simple a free e-book as this one isn’t done without the help of others.

First of all, my thanks go to my “team.” Kris Kendall, my editor, who had the ungrateful job of editing blog entries written in the spur of the moment, having to try to walk the line of keeping it genuine while trying to make it readable in book form, and Christopher Allan Poe, for the formatting and yet another fitting and beautiful cover. It’s a pleasure to work with you guys.

I would also like to give thanks to my husband, Alex, for undertaking this journey with me, and to our family and friends for standing by our side, comforting us during the rough times and encouraging us in our role as parents.

We also owe a great debt of gratitude to our clinic in Mumbai, SurrogacyIndia (
http://www.surrogacyindia.com
) for their professional and caring attitude toward us. We wouldn’t be a family without them. If you consider surrogacy, I warmly recommend you to contact them. If we could, we would work with them again in a heartbeat!

As I have mentioned throughout these pages, Alex, Sascha and I owe the greatest of thanks to our dear surrogate mother, who must remain anonymous. She, her husband and their children enabled us a dream we had not dared dream only a few years ago. Her willingness to help us is a debt we can never fully repay, and she has forever earned a cozy spot in our hearts. We hope that the remuneration for her service will allow her and her husband to help their family break the shackles of poverty and enable them to provide their children with a better future.

Finally, our thanks to Sascha. If you’ve read the book, you know how many close calls we’ve had. Son, thanks for hanging in there, thanks for being with us. Words cannot do justice to describe what you mean to us, and the many new dimensions you’ve added to our lives.

Surrogacy as a means for reproduction is a controversial topic, particularly when money is involved. I hope this book can serve as a small piece in the puzzle to help those tasked with making decisions about allowing surrogacy around the world to consider the implications of their decision, one way or the other.

Thank
you
.

Excerpts from

Hans M. Hirschi's first three novels.

IT WAS ABOUT three feet deep and not more than one foot in diameter. To one side, there was a pile of earth and grass that once had filled it.

The hole.

In a few hours, Sascha would lay his mother to rest in it, in a small nondescript urn that he and his brother Mike had agreed upon. While their mom was Catholic, Sascha had long ago lost all faith, if he ever had any.

Not that he wasn’t a spiritual person, but organized religion had never done him any good, quite the contrary. The service for their mom would be a religious one. He had lost that battle and didn’t really care. The minister they chose was not Catholic. The priest had refused to bury a woman who had chosen to marry a Protestant. She had in effect been a whore in the eyes of the church, having given birth to two bastards, i.e. children who had never been baptized. When she died without remorse, without receiving her last sacrament, the priest closed that final door to Catholic redemption.

Sascha knew it wouldn’t matter. He had no illusions of any afterlife where she would be beautiful again, not ravaged by the sickness that had erased life and all her memories from her, reunited with her husband, who had passed away a few years earlier.

Looking into the hole again, he couldn’t help it any longer. Tears welled up inside him, and he shivered all over. He fell to his knees and nearly tripped into the hole.

Sascha would have preferred to take the urn back to Singapore, where he lived, and spread the ashes at sea, but again, he caved in to the pressures and expectations of society, of his family. After all, his mother deserved to be laid to rest next to her husband, his aunt had said. So it was decided.

His father had passed away unexpectedly just a few days after Sascha and Dan had visited them. Doctors said his heart attack was probably due to overexertion. He had been looking after their mother for a few years, making sure she could stay at home with him, despite the Alzheimer’s. Her constant paranoia, forgetting everything, from keys to jewelry, had taken a toll on Sascha’s father. When Sascha got the call from his mom, he had been shocked. That was nearly four years ago. He had been way past it, yet kneeling here, over the hole that was to be his mother’s grave, it all came back to him, as if it were yesterday. The grief took hold of him, shook him. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks.

***

Sascha was still on his knees, in his own world, when Dan approached him from behind: “You okay? We need to get going.”

Sascha turned around, momentarily pulled from his sorrow, to see his husband standing there, looking down at him. At thirty-six, Dan was still quite a sight, tall, towering over six-foot five, lean and muscular, with a full head of blond hair that almost reached his shoulders. Just then, though, his expression was worried.

“Hon, the kids are waiting at the house, everyone is getting ready for the service, and Mike is getting anxious about starting things. You know what your brother is like.”

Dan paused mid-sentence to let the point he was trying to make sink in. “Come on, I’m right here, and I won’t leave you alone in this.”

With his last words, he approached Sascha and helped him get up from the ground. Dan pulled him close to him, put an arm around his waist, and started to lead him to the exit of the cemetery. Sascha leaned against his husband, taking strength from him, knowing that he would get through this day, despite Mike, despite their waiting family. He had to be strong, and he couldn’t let his kids down. Not on a day like this.

cont...

Family Ties

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