Daddy (8 page)

“It's your mother's decision, Son. We can't stand in her way. And she hasn't given us much choice. She believes she's doing the right thing, and we just have to make the best of it and support her.” He met Sarah's eyes then, and for him something had changed. She had hurt his children now, not just him, and he would never forget that, but he also knew that he would always love her. “We're going to miss you, Sarrie.” The beauty of Christmas was forgotten now, the laughter, and the traditions and the gifts. This was the hardest night of their lives, but it could have been worse. Something could have happened to one of them. This was just for a while, or so she said. Two years. It seemed like an eternity to them now, as Sarah attempted to approach Mel and Sam again. Sam just cried more and Mel held up her hand to keep her away and looked at both her parents with equal anger.

“I think you're lying to us. I think you're leaving for good, and you don't have the guts to tell us. But if you are, why aren't you taking us with you?”

“Because I'm not. And what would you do in Cambridge? Lose all your friends here? Go to a new school? Live in a tiny apartment with me while I write papers and study for exams? Benjamin's in his senior year, you have two more to go. Do you really want to snake all that up? And I couldn't take care of you while I'm going to school. You're much better off here with Daddy and Aggie, in your own home, going to a school you love, with friends you've had for years, in familiar surroundings.”

“You're walking out on us.” Mel's eyes were filled with shards of anger and pain, and Sam's sobs had never dimmed once. Mel turned on her father then. “You must have done something awful to her to make her walk out on us like this.” She hated them both and knew she always would. Forever.

Sarah was quick to his defense. “That's not true, Mel. Your father has nothing to do with this.”

“People don't just go away to school. Not grown-ups anyway. You must hate us all a lot to go.” Sam's sobs grew to a wail, and Mel stood up and held him in her arms. And then he turned to look at his mother again, his face ravaged by tears, and she took no step toward him this time. He was no longer hers. He was theirs now.

Sam could hardly speak through his sobs. “Iss …
iss
… that true? Do … do … you … hate us, Mom?” Her heart broke at the thought and tears spilled down her cheeks as she shook her head.

“No, I don't. I love you with all my heart … all of you, and Daddy.” She was crying now, and Oliver turned away from all of them, as they stood silently watching each other, not knowing what to do. Their family had been destroyed in one fell swoop. And then, quietly, he walked over to Mel and took Sam in his arms, and Sam clung to him as he had years before, when he was a baby.

“It's gonna be all right, Son … we're gonna be okay.” He bent and tried to kiss Mel, but she pulled away from him, and ran up to her room, and an instant later they heard the door slam, and then slowly Oliver walked up the stairs with Sam, and Sarah and Benjamin were left alone. He looked at her, still in shock, unable to believe what he'd heard, yet knowing it was true.

“Mom … why?”

He was old enough to talk to openly and she always had. “I'm not sure I know. I just know I can't do this anymore, and that seems right. That's all I know. I want to be more than this. More than someone who drives car pools and waits for Sam to come home from school.” For a moment, it sounded to Ben as though she hated being their mother.

“But couldn't you wait?” Other moms did.

“Not long enough. I have to do it now.” She blew her nose, but the tears wouldn't stop. It was awful hurting them, but without meaning to, they were hurting her too. They had for years. And so had Ollie.

Benjamin nodded, wishing he understood. He loved her and wished her well, but secretly he thought it was a terrible thing to do. He couldn't imagine leaving a child. He had never thought she would do a thing like that. But she had, and she was, and now everything was changed. What was left? Nothing. A bunch of kids. A father who worked all the time. And a hired woman to cook for them. Suddenly, he couldn't wait to get out in the fall. He would have left sooner if he could. He had no family anymore. Just a bunch of people he lived with. It was almost as if she'd died, only worse, because she could have stayed if she wanted to. And it was knowing that she didn't want to that really hurt him. All that crap about how she cared about them. If she did, she'd stay, but she was going. That said it all. He looked down at his feet, and then back up at her, feeling guilty for his thoughts, and wanting to get out of the house as fast as he could. He had always believed in her, even more than in his dad, and suddenly she was screwing all of them. Just like that. Him, Mel, Sam, even his dad. He felt sorry for him, but there was nothing he could do to change it.

“I'm sorry to ask you now … I was wondering if … do you think Dad would mind if I took the car for a while?”

She shook her head, wondering what he really thought. He had always been the one she was closest to. “I'm sure it's okay.” It was as though suddenly she no longer had any authority. She had turned in her keys. It was a glimpse of what coming back on weekends would be like. They wouldn't be used to having her around, she wouldn't have any authority over them anymore. It wasn't going to be easy, no matter what she did. “Are you all right?” She was worried about him. She knew that even if he wasn't saying much, he was hard hit. And he was still only seventeen, after all. She didn't want him going out and getting drunk and then trying to drive home, or some other wild idea. “Where are you going at this hour?” It was after ten o'clock on Christmas night and she wasn't crazy about the idea of having him on the roads.

“Just to see a friend. I'll be back in a while.”

“Okay.” She nodded and he turned to go, and then suddenly she reached out to him and grabbed his hand. “I love you … please always remember that …” She was crying again, and he wanted to say something to her, but he didn't. She had hurt him too much, hurt all of them. All he could do was nod, and walk to the front door as he picked up his coat. And a moment later he was gone. She shuddered as the front door slammed, and then she walked slowly up the stairs to their bedroom. She could still hear sobs coming from Mel's room, and the door was locked when she tried, and Mel wouldn't answer her, and there was no sound from Sam's, and she didn't dare go
in
and wake him. She walked into her own room, and sat down on the bed, feeling as if she'd been hit by a truck, and it was an hour later when Oliver finally came in. He found her lying on the bed, staring at the wall, her eyes still full of tears.

“How is he?” She hadn't even gone to him. He was Oliver's now, no longer hers. They all were. She might as well be gone and then she realized that she should leave as soon as possible. It would probably be easier for all of them, now that they knew she was going.

“He's asleep.” Oliver sank down in a chair with an exhausted sigh. It had been a long day, and an endless night, and he didn't want to play games with her anymore. She was ruining their lives, all for what she wanted. His mother had been right. But it was too late now. They were in it up to their necks, and if his kids were going to survive, he had to start swimming fast. He had just gotten his feet wet with Sam, and there was still Mel to worry about, and Benjamin. He had seen the look in the boy's eyes. Even at seventeen he was badly shaken up by what Sarah had done. “I don't know if any of them are ever going to recover from this.”

“Don't say things like that. I feel bad enough as it is.”

“Maybe not. Maybe if you felt bad enough, you wouldn't do it. They're never going to trust anyone again, least of all me. If their own mother walks out on them, what do you suppose they're going to expect from the rest of the world? Just what do you think this is going to do to them, make them better people? Hell, no. They'll be lucky if they survive. We all will.”

“What if I'd died?”

“That would have been easier for them. At least it wouldn't have been your choice, and even that apparently makes kids feel rejected.”

“Thanks a lot. So you're telling me that I'm the ultimate bad guy, is that it?” She was angry again. He was trying to beat her with guilt, and she felt guilty enough already.

“Maybe I am telling you that, Sarah. Maybe you are. Maybe you're just a real selfish bitch, and you don't give a damn about any of us. That's possible, isn't it?”

“Maybe. Are you telling me you don't want me back?”

“Don't put words in my mouth.” The trouble was, he did, he always would, no matter what she did to him and the kids, but he hated her now for what she had just done to them. Sam had held on to him like a drowning child, and he was. He was going to hurt for a long, long time, and Oliver meant what he had said. He wondered if all of them would be marked by this for life. Surely Sam would, particularly if she didn't come back to stay, which Oliver realized was entirely possible, even though she denied that now, but things were going to change for her once she was at Harvard again. There were going to be other people in her life, and Oliver and the kids would be far, far from there. There were no guarantees now, for either of them.

“I think I should leave in the next few days. It's too hard on all of us if I stay for the next two weeks.”

“That's up to you.” He walked into the bathroom and got undressed. He suddenly didn't feel close to her anymore. They had made love only the night before, and now she seemed like a stranger to him. A stranger who had walked into his house and emotionally abused his kids. “When do you think you'll go?” he asked when he came back and sat down on the bed.

“Day after tomorrow maybe. I have to get organized.”

“Maybe I should take the kids away so they don't see you leave.”

“That might be a thought.” She looked at him sadly then, there was nothing left to say. They had said it all, the accusations, the regrets, the apologies, the explanations, and now the tears. “I don't know what to say to you anymore.” Especially after tonight, after watching their children cry. And yet she was still going.

“Neither do I.” She looked numb and broken.

They lay in silence in the dark, and at last, at 2:00 A.M., he fell asleep. But Sarah lay wide awake until the dawn, and it was only then that she heard Benjamin come in. But she said nothing to him. He was a good boy, and he'd had a hard time. This was going to be hard for him too. He was still only a boy, or so she thought.

He had become a man that night, and it had been a strange and beautiful experience for him. Sandra's parents had been away, and he had made love to her for the first time. It was as though he had been given a woman of his own in exchange for the one he had lost earlier that evening. It was an odd, bittersweet night for him, and after that they had talked long into the night, about what was happening at home, and how he felt about it. He could talk to Sandra, as he could to no one else, and then they had made love again, and at last he had come home, to his own bed, to think of the new love he had, and what it meant, and the mother he had lost, and suddenly that seemed a little less awesome to him, because of Sandra.

Sarah lay listening to the sounds of the house as they all slept, wishing she was one of them again. But she wasn't anymore. It was as though she were someone else, and the only thing left was to get on with her new life now. She was still excited about that, in spite of what it had cost in hearts and lives. And as they all slept, she got up and began to pack. She packed everything she wanted in three suitcases and when Oliver got up in the morning, she was through. She had showered and dressed, and made a reservation on a plane. She had called a hotel in Cambridge where she had once stayed. And she had made up her mind to leave by that afternoon at the latest.

“Where are you going at this hour?” Oliver looked surprised to see her dressed when he got up, and he sensed that a lot had gone on while he slept.

“Nowhere yet. I'm leaving tonight. Ill tell the kids when they get up. They can't be much more upset than they already are. Why don't you take them away somewhere for a breather?”

“I'll try. I'll see what I can do.” He showered and changed and made some calls. And at breakfast they both told them that Sarah was leaving sooner than she'd planned, and he was taking them skiing in Vermont. He asked Agnes to pack for Sam, and for a moment Benjamin seemed to hold back. He said there were some things he wanted to do for school during the rest of the vacation.

“During Christmas break?” Oliver looked skeptical and wondered if it was a girl.

“How long will we be gone?”

“Three or four days.” Long enough to distract everyone if that was possible, and then back to the pall that would have fallen over the house when she left. It was already there now. They had looked shocked when she said she was leaving that day, but they were already so numb from the pain of the night before that nothing surprised them now, and they just nodded over the breakfasts they barely touched. Benjamin looked tired and didn't say much, he hardly ate, and Mel wasn't speaking to anyone, and Sam looked constantly at his father, as though to be sure he was still there and hadn't left them.

In the end, Benjamin agreed to come to Vermont with them and they managed to leave the house by four, before Sarah left for the airport. The good-byes were terrible, and Sam was crying again when they left her. Agnes stood in the doorway rigid with dismay, and even Benjamin had tears in his eyes this time, Sarah couldn't even speak, and Oliver was crying openly as they drove away. He looked in the mirror only once, and almost felt his heart physically break as he saw her standing there, in front of the house, her arm lifted in a last wave. His whole life was gone, in one moment, the woman he loved, and everything he had built. Vanished, in exchange for the insanity she wanted. And he figured it didn't hurt for his kids to see him cry. He was hurting as badly as they were, and as he looked down at Sam, he smiled through his tears, and pulled the boy closer to him.

“Come on, champ, we're gonna be okay, you know. And so is Mom.” There were still tears in his eyes as he tried to smile at Sam and the other children.