Crystal Bella (3 page)

As
Ethan’s thoughts went from thinking about his car and also having a muscle car, the song that was playing seemed to break out into its own clarity. Such clarity, that it made Ethan’s thoughts stop. The song playing had the words ‘Run.’ in it. Everything was so still when the words came echoing through. It was as if they were directly talking to Ethan. They had an eerie feeling, so clear. Just at that moment a black cat walked past the front of the car. It was quite ragged looking, very thin. It looked as if it was in the wrong neighborhood. It turned towards the front of the car and looked towards Ethan. It gave a funny noise like a hiss. The song, the cat, all Ethan could muster was.

“Fuck
.”

Then his passenger door suddenly opened. It was
Christian.

“Man you gave me a fright
!” Ethan said. Christian smiled and laughed.

“Not afraid of cats now are you?”

Ignition turned and they went on their merry way to their favorite cafe, Edgeoholic.

Ethan drove
, admiring the day, it seemed crisp in its feel. He enjoyed driving. He liked the drive to college, going through the leafy suburbs, seeing glimpses of the sea occasionally, then going over the bridge, it had a fairytale feel to him. The music played quietly as he noticed Christian’s eyes were closing, falling asleep. Maybe he needed the 10 minute doze time to wake him up for the day.

Ethan came to E
dgeoholic cafe. As he parked and applied the brakes, Christian’s eyes opened. It was like taking a baby out.

“Wakey wake
,” he said to Christian.

A
nd like passing rebels of the day they stumbled out of the car.

Ethan felt calm within
himself today, he had a buzz about him with a feeling of serenity. But pulling up and about to go into his favorite cafe with his ex there, Natasha he had that feeling of angst come upon him. Feelings always had their flavors with Ethan. He had always tried to understand them. Some people seemed to be in a second gear plateau where they just ho hummed through life, where Ethan would always feel things so immensely. Sometimes he did not know what he was feeling, he would just get some immense feeling and go,
what is wrong with me?!
As he got older, the more lighter he felt and he became less intense, so the feelings were more leveled out, most of the time. He knew he had to keep it simple and simplify the feelings. Sit with what they were, what they were saying and be with it and listen. Right now he felt at peace with the trepidation of seeing Natasha, they were the feelings. Simple.

They wa
lked into the cafe. The waitresses always had to wear a uniform. It was a light green dress, with an apron sometimes. It was hard to tell if it made them look nerdy or simply exotic creatures of the day; drop dead hot. The reality was that it had a combination that just enhanced their beauty. Natasha looked drop dead gorgeous, you could see her curves in her dress, her cleavage. She had quite big bluish eyes and full lips, with a kind of pouty mouth, with really clear pale skin. When Ethan looked at her he used to feel love. Sometimes Ethan thought if he had met her when they were 11 they would have been perfect for each other. But the complexities of love as an adult, the need for each other, one not having a full heart, gave their time together some complications, that perhaps would not be there if they were two, sweet 11 year olds. Ethan also wondered, did he, being a male trigger memories for her regarding her previous men. Ethan knew she had two relationships that were a bit rough. They were not sensitive men and it did keep her on guard. There was a lyric from a song that Ethan used to love, the woman sang the line, ‘can you show me how to love a man.’ That line Ethan always loved, it showed him the depth in the singer and also her longing, or her current problem in life. Women were quite easy to love in life for Ethan, but he knew how to some women men could be complete bastards. (It could happen the other way too) And to want to be with the opposite of yourself, and pine for that in a loving relationship and for that other half to be something that had pained you once, or given you an unequal balance made it a predicament. Later, a year or so down the track, Ethan heard the end of the song, the lyric that he hadn’t picked up before, that ran a bit later, it went, ‘can you show me how to love a man.’ Then it followed with, ‘then there will be nil for me to crave.’

Ethan could understand wome
n. He had a beautiful mother who made him see and appreciate their beauty. He could see the chauvinism in life and didn’t like it, the way certain men felt they were superior based on their gender, usually older men who appeared to pass it down to the next generation. But maybe it was slowly filtering out from the next generation to the next. Awareness first then change Ethan seemed to sense. The person Ethan adored most in this world was his mom, so it came natural to respect and honor the beauty in women. They were adored in the Celtic times, honored and seen for their goddess-like beauty and now it seemed the world had made it stop and had tried to make them subservient to a stubborn male regime in a lot of fields. Ethan could understand why his mom waited for the right man. The man had to be sensitive and beautiful and truly see and appreciate the goddess within her.

Ethan
adored and appreciated the femininity that surrounded him. It was the other half of himself that in this life he didn’t have and so was deeply attracted. The part he could not fully touch on his own. He was male in this life and no matter how complete he felt, the opposite of himself, the female that he was not, was what he truly desired from a heart level and a physical one.

Ethan knew the soul was
mixture of feminine and masculine energy. Deeply he pined for that female quality to make the completion of him in this world. This knowing made Ethan appreciate the exquisiteness in woman as he deeply knew why he was so attracted to their essence. He could see their attractiveness in the deepest form because his soul craved the part that in this life he didn’t possess fully. He often thought to himself when he could see how some women looked, the ones that had the purity of their souls revealed and their physical features and nuances of their beauty fully shining, if they could see how gorgeous they were and then know how it would appear to a pure man. If they thought they were beautiful just imagine how the other half that needs their beauty sees them.

Ethan and Christian
walked into the cafe and sat down as Natasha came over. Green dress, big eyes, beautiful smile, though she was not smiling right now. Ethan felt that heavy feeling in his stomach, seeing her looking so beautiful made him nearly ill, where once it would make him feel in love and glow, it now had the opposite effect. The beauty gave him pain now. He knew he could never really tell this to anyone, only his mom or Christian and Carl, but most would just judge and Ethan loathed that, to be judged. He looked happy and composed but Natasha’s beauty made his heart nearly hurt. It had been six months since they had broken up but he still had feelings. Within all that, a part of him knew he had to harden up. Well, not harden up, humans were too hard already, just mature with his sensitivity and become stronger.

“What can I get you?” Natasha asked.

“Just a coffee thanks,
” Ethan replied.

Then Christian jumped in.                    

“Hi, Natasha lovely to see you.
” They both looked at each other knowing he was not serious. “I’ll have the same thanks.”

“Sure
.”

The
n Christian couldn’t help himself.  Natasha liked her jewelry and on her wrists today in that rock star way she had plenty. She also had a necklace, it was quite conservative for her but elegant. It simplified her style and gave her a womanly, appealing look. Like Ethan she leaned towards edgy but sometimes she liked to look pretty and elegant or just show her untouched beauty. They were pearls, a pearl necklace really and enough ammunition for Christian.

“
Nice pearl necklace, Natasha a gift from Ethan?”

N
atasha is a strong woman, deep down she doesn’t really trust men. You could say she is a feminist and when sensing anything that is trying to pull her down as a woman and coming from a man she will react and protect herself with everything. With defiance and good comical timing she said.

“
I would compliment you on your pearl necklace, Christian but you’ve already wiped yours off after Ethan came all over you in the car park.”

Ethan looked amused and said,
“I promise, Christian I didn’t do that while you were sleeping in my car…there just wasn’t enough room. Can we just have our coffees please Pearl? ahh Natasha?”

“
You’re such an asshole,” she said, looking directly into Ethan’s eyes.

“
You started it,” he said, staring back at her.

“
No I didn’t, that dickhead friend there started it saying stories you told him.”

“
I didn’t tell him anything, you just got paranoid because you’re wearing a pearl necklace....”

Ethan shoul
d have stopped there, but he didn’t, he was getting a little tired of being so nice and diplomatic all the time, so he added...

“
And you walk funny.”

“
What do mean walk funny?”             

“
When I was finished with you, you used to walk funny.”                             

Natasha
looked Ethan right in the eye. The times they had made love, her past and him making light of their romance, made her blood boil. Like Ethan she still had strong feelings too, she had to remain strong and get even, especially since he was a male. She started to walk away quietly. As she walked off Ethan felt a bit mean, he still cared about her and he didn’t like to see her sad, but before Ethan could even delve into that emotional softness of his, she turned around and so the whole cafe could hear shouted out.

“Did he tell you how he likes to get fucked up the ass!?”

Th
e whole cafe almost stopped. This drop dead gorgeous woman, nearly popping out of her dress in the most proper, elegant way was shouting these outrageous things at two customers. Everyone was watching, looking at Ethan. Natasha could have said anything with that appearance and it would have got the whole cafe’s attention. In a light way Ethan wanted to pull her away in private and say,
‘you put your finger there during sex, I didn’t ask for that!’

But for n
ow he had the whole cafe looking at him. He had to react fast and knew the best thing would be to pass it onto Christian.

“
She’s talking about him,” he said, at the same time pointing to Christian. There was about five seconds of just looking. The cafe crowd looking at Christian and Ethan and them looking back. Then the chit chat noise of the cafe started again, Ethan thought,
phew, back to normal.
Christian looked at him.

“
You okay? You got fucked up the ass?” he was laughing.

“No! She just makes shit up like that.”

“You two are like a karmic whirlwind.”

“
Yeah, she’s just mental some days. Try and be with someone like that, it’s not easy.”

“She came out pretty strong.”

“
I know, I do like her for that. I wish she was just plain Jane in the way she looked, then I could move on easier. I’m not being shallow, she says all that shit and I still think she looks amazing. What’s wrong with me?!”

Christian c
onsoles with a smile and cheekily said, “it’s just chemistry man, a connection, a soul connection.”

“
I said to my mom today, she’s so hot and cold. It’s that mix of love and having something less than love mixed within that.”

“
Sorry I didn’t mean to trigger her emotions, but the pearl necklace, I had to say something, then she tries to say I have one! I was very offended by that.” They laughed.

“
That’s what makes romance hard isn’t it? When you are in that position of love and they possess something that isn’t pure and you are left with attenuated love.”

“It’s all good bro, it’s just part of life, finding out what you do want, and what you don’t, and moving on from what you don’t.”

Natasha returned
with a cloth and wiped the table down and nonchalantly Christian said, “thanks, Pearl.”

“You’re welcome, cum face.”

“
Why are you being mean to Christian?” Ethan asked, in a light way.

“
Just reflecting what he gives me. It’s the same with you, Ethan I give back what you give me.”

“
I feel you don’t want peace sometimes, you’re just finding a reason to explode and you don’t even realize it.”

“Ethan I didn’t explode, I just defended myself against your shit. We see each other and we are rarely present. The past keeps coming up, and I just don’t like seeing you. I admit it, I react.”

“
Well, sorry for saying you walk funny, you don’t really, I just made that up.... and some memories are nice to remember.”

“You’re talking about fucking me?”