Crystal (37 page)

At two, she let herself quietly into Jake’s flat. Thinking he was asleep, she jumped at the sound of his voice. ‘Where have you been?’ He stood in the doorway, dressed in a white towelling robe, looking extremely pissed off.

‘Didn’t you get my message?’ she asked.

‘Yeah, but it’s really late. Where have you been?’

‘I was out with Jez. He needed to talk to me because things aren’t going too well with Rufus,’ Crystal lied. It was always a safe bet to imagine some drama in Jez’s love life.

‘Things must be really bad to keep you out so late. We haven’t seen each other all week.’

‘I know, babe, and I’m really sorry. Jez was really upset,’ Crystal said, hating herself for lying, but also surprised at the accusing tone in Jake’s voice.

‘Well, I’m going to bed. I’ve got a really early start,’ he said moodily.

‘Okay, I’m coming too,’ Crystal said, wondering why he’d got the hump. In bed, instead of cuddling up to Crystal as he always did, he turned away from her, after muttering a very grumpy goodnight, and moved to the opposite edge of the mattress. And for the first time they spent a night together without making love.

Perhaps that night wouldn’t have mattered so much except it happened again the following week, when Crystal had to leave yet another message, again blaming her lateness on Jez. This time Jake was really angry.

‘If there’s something you want to tell me, I’d rather know now,’ he said angrily when she walked in at four a.m., after having spent the last twelve hours in the studio.

‘I told you in the message, I was seeing Jez,’ Crystal pleaded, her throat was sore, and she felt exhausted.

Jake sighed heavily. ‘God, this is déjà fucking vu.’

‘I’m not Eve!’ Crystal said passionately. ‘Please stop comparing me with her.’

‘Well, all the signs are there. You’re back late; we haven’t made love for a week. I’ve been there before, Crystal, and I don’t want to go there again.’

‘Hang on a minute; you’re the one who gets into bed and turns away from me,’ Crystal said angrily, hardly believing the way the conversation was going. ‘Phone Jez if you don’t believe me.’ She selected Jez’s number and held out her phone to Jake.

‘Crystal, Jez is one of your best friends. He would always protect you,’ Jake said wearily, the fight suddenly gone out of him. ‘I’ll see you in bed.’

For a few minutes Crystal stood in the living room, too emotionally strung out to do anything. She hated not being able to tell Jake the truth. Then she forced herself to move and, even though she was exhausted, she got into bed and wrapped her arms round Jake, kissing him and pressing her body against his.

‘What’s this,’ he murmured, ‘a mercy fuck?’

‘Yes, a mercy fuck for me,’ replied Crystal. ‘I want you; don’t be cold with me.’

She wanted to tell him that she loved him, but since that one time, she didn’t dare say it again.

In the morning, Crystal woke up feeling guilty about lying to Jake. She spent longer than usual in the shower trying to work out the best thing to do. In spite of Sadie’s order to stay quiet, Crystal didn’t think she could carry on the pretence without jeopardising her relationship. She didn’t want to lose Jake again and she could see that if she wasn’t honest with him there was a very strong chance that she would. By the time she returned to the bedroom her mind was made up.

Jake was still half asleep so she got back into bed beside him.

‘Morning,’ he said sleepily turning over and putting his arm round her. ‘Sorry about last night. I thought I was getting over the paranoia but apparently not.’

‘Actually, Jake, there
is
something I need to tell you,’ Crystal said anxiously.

‘Oh?’ Jake was wide awake now, sitting bolt upright in bed.

‘It’s nothing bad, it’s actually really good news.’ And she went on to tell him all about Sadie Park and the record deal.
Jake couldn’t have been happier for her, telling her it was fantastic news and that she deserved it.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you straightaway, I really wanted to. It’s just that Sadie made me sign a confidentiality agreement.’

‘You can trust me, Crystal. And I’m sorry for even thinking you were seeing someone else. You’re right; you’re definitely not Eve. ’

Crystal traced her finger over the tattoo of her name on Jake’s shoulder. ‘Does that
really
say my name?’ she asked. It was a question she’d asked several times before.

‘I think so,’ he answered, ‘unless the tattooist was having a laugh and it really says wanker.’ He paused and said more seriously. ‘There’s no one else’s name I would want.’

He still may not have told her he loved her but hearing him say that was the next best thing and Crystal felt a huge surge of happiness.

Now she had come clean with Jake, Crystal felt she could really enjoy the relaunch of her singing career. She would have liked to be able to tell her brother and her close friends but knew it was best to keep quiet. Confiding in Jake had made all the difference though – to be able to share her excitement with him, to be able to tell him all about her day in the studio and to know that she had his support gave her such a boost. Everything seemed on track. Sadie had secured her record deal with one of the leading labels. The feedback she was getting from her MySpace site continued to be extremely positive. It looked likely that in a few months she would have a number one single. But sometimes life has a way of dealing you a wild card . . .

‘
I’M SORRY, BABE,
I don’t feel up to meeting in town, I’ve got chronic period pain. Do you think you could come over?’ Tahlia was on the phone to Crystal; they’d planned a girls’ night out as they hadn’t seen each other for ages.

‘No problem. I’ll pick some food up from M&S on the way,’ Crystal replied.

As she slipped on her jacket, she had a sudden thought which sent her on a frantic search for her diary. She flipped through the pages. Christ,
her
period was over three weeks late and she was never late. She sat back down on the sofa for a few minutes, too shocked to move. In the frenzy and excitement of signing up with Sadie she had completely forgotten about the night she and Jake had been careless.
Maybe I’m all out of sync because I’ve had so much going on
, she told herself. She’d have to pick up a pregnancy test kit on her way to Tahlia’s.

‘I’ve got to use the bathroom,’ she said the second Tahlia opened the door to her, too anxious to say hello. She raced into the house, past a stunned Tahlia, into the bathroom, and then, with trembling, clumsy fingers, Crystal ripped open the packet, not even giving herself time to think, just desperate to know.

Less than two minutes later she was staring at the strong blue line forming in the tiny square window. There was no doubt: she was pregnant. Then she threw up in the loo.

Tahlia was knocking at the door. ‘Crystal are you okay?’

Crystal ran the cold tap, splashed her face with water and rinsed out her mouth, looking at her face in the mirror in disbelief – this couldn’t be happening, could it?

‘You can come in,’ she called back, sitting down on the edge of the bath as she feared her legs were about to give way.

Tahlia came into the room. ‘Are you okay, babe?’ she asked again.

‘I’m pregnant,’ Crystal said quietly.

‘Crystal, that’s fantastic!’ Tahlia exclaimed, hugging Crystal. ‘It
is
fantastic, isn’t it?’ she asked again, seeing Crystal’s grim expression.

‘Oh God, Tahlia, I don’t know. Jake’s never said he loves me; he might just think it’s all too much. And there’s something else going on that could be ruined by this news. I just wish I could tell you but I can’t.’ Crystal was babbling now.

‘Come into the kitchen and I’ll make you a drink. You need to sit down and be calm, babe.’

Crystal followed Tahlia into the kitchen, feeling numb. She sat down at the kitchen table and watched Tahlia making the tea.

‘I’ll put some sugar in it, Crystal, it’s good for shock.’

‘Okay, nurse,’ Crystal replied, managing the smallest of smiles.

‘How did it happen?’ Tahlia asked, sliding a mug of tea in front of Crystal and sitting down at the table opposite her.

‘Well, I would have thought you’d know about the birds and bees by now . . . you see, the man puts his penis into the woman’s vagina and—’ Crystal attempted humour, but she felt as if a metal vice was pressing round her head.

‘Very funny. I meant were you trying for a baby?’

‘No. The night of Jake’s thirtieth we were both really drunk and forgot to use a condom. It is the only time in my life I’ve ever been careless. I can’t believe it!’ She put her head in her hands and groaned. ‘What am I going to do?’

‘Well, you’ve got to tell Jake. There are two of you involved
in this. He needs to know,’ Tahlia said calmly.

Just then Leticia skipped into the room, dressed in her pink checked pyjamas and clutching a huge toy Dalmatian which was nearly as big as her.

‘Leticia,’ Tahlia warned, ‘it’s way past your bedtime.’

‘I just wanted to show Dotty to Crystal,’ Leticia said, bounding over to Crystal and holding the toy dog up for inspection.

‘He’s so cute,’ Crystal forced herself to sound normal. ‘Tell you what, why don’t I come and tuck you up in bed and you can show me where Dotty sleeps.’

‘Okay,’ Leticia said happily, giving Tahlia a hug and then skipping back out of the room.

‘Don’t let her keep you too long,’ Tahlia said as Crystal followed Leticia upstairs.

Leticia’s bedroom was like a little girl’s dream come true. Practically everything in her room was a different shade of pink, Leticia’s favourite colour – she had a pink bed with a loveheart-shaped headboard, pink fairy lights hung round the room, the curtains had pink princesses on them, there was a pink wardrobe and a pink rug in the shape of a flower . . . Crystal’s nausea returned as she took in all the different pink objects, but she forced herself to perch on the end of Leticia’s bed as she climbed under the duvet and carefully laid Dotty next to her. Crystal remembered what Leticia’s bedroom used to be like, before Tahlia made it as a singer, how she’d had to share a room with her mum and how few toys she had back then. It seemed Tahlia had more than compensated for that now.

‘D’you like my room?’ Leticia asked.

‘It’s great; it’s very pink. I just hope you don’t suddenly change your mind about liking pink.’

Leticia looked at Crystal in amazement. ‘Why would I do that? I love pink.’

‘I’m sure you won’t,’ Crystal said, suddenly feeling exhausted. ‘Now I’m going to tuck you and Dotty up and say
goodnight.’

It wasn’t as easy as that. Leticia wanted a story and Crystal ended up reading three to settle her, but eventually Leticia was ready to snuggle down with her toy dog. As Crystal crept out of the room she paused at the doorway and looked back at the child curled up in bed.
I’m having a baby
, she thought, and it seemed unbelievable. It was the most natural thing in the world but Crystal felt as if she’d been beamed into a parallel universe where everything had been turned upside down.

‘Thanks for settling her,’ Tahlia said as Crystal walked into the living room. ‘I’m sure it was the last thing you felt like doing.’

Crystal sat down on the sofa next to her and sighed.
God, what a mess.

‘I think I’ve made it hard for you to talk to me,’ Tahlia said slowly. ‘When you told me you were pregnant I just assumed that you’d want to have the baby, but I guess there might be reasons why you might not be able to.’

Crystal appreciated the effort Tahlia was making. She knew her friend would never consider having an abortion; in fact she knew that she was desperate to have another child, and worried that she couldn’t because of her polycystic ovaries.

‘I’ve already had one abortion,’ Crystal said quietly. ‘I really don’t want to have another.’ She paused. ‘After that time with Max, I discovered I was pregnant. There was no way I wanted to keep the baby, not after what he did. But I still felt so bad about it, Tahlia.’

‘Oh, babe,’ Tahlia moved across the sofa and hugged her. ‘I can’t believe that you never told me. Please, Crystal, whatever you decide to do, tell me. I won’t judge you, I would never judge you. It’s your decision and only you know what to do for the best.’

She stayed the night at Tahlia’s; Jake was away and she didn’t want to be alone. They talked about how she should break the news to him. Tahlia said that she shouldn’t wait for
a time, that she should just come out with it, that she was sure he would be happy. ‘Often men don’t realise that they want a baby until they know they’re having one, but I bet when the news has sunk in he’ll be over the moon.’

Crystal tried to hold on to that thought the next day. Jake sounded stressed out when they spoke on the phone; he also said he wouldn’t be able to see her that night as Simon, one of his best mates was about to leave his girlfriend and needed to go out for a drink.

‘I’ll just crash at home as it’s bound to be a long session. They’ve been together ten years and he wants out and she doesn’t.’

‘Do
you
think they should split up?’ Crystal asked. Somehow she didn’t like the thought of Jake being around someone who was about to end a relationship.

‘God, yeah, she’s a total nightmare. I’ve been telling him to leave her for months. She’s desperate to have a baby and he doesn’t want one. I think he should get out now.’

‘Maybe he just doesn’t know that he wants a baby,’ Crystal said, repeating Tahlia’s line.

Jake laughed. ‘That’s bullshit; how would he not know? He doesn’t want one with her and that’s it.’

Crystal didn’t feel brave enough to ask Jake if he wanted one.

A week later she still hadn’t been able to tell him – she was even busier than ever working on her album and Jake had a major fashion campaign to shoot and they hardly saw each other. By the weekend Crystal was desperate to get it out in the open. She’d suggested that the two of them have a chilled-out Saturday night at her place but Jake had barely walked in the door when his mobile rang and he disappeared into the bedroom to take the call. He was gone for twenty minutes and when he walked back into the living room he looked stunned.