Crucifax (27 page)

Erin looked at Jeff for a long time, silently chewing her knuckle.

"I'll be back around five or so," she said. Then, to Kyla, "Yeah, I'm coming."

He spent most of the day watching television and doing homework, trying hard not to think too much. The bourbon his mother kept in the kitchen cupboard helped a bit, but he didn't have much; he didn't want to be drunk when she got back.

Lily came over around two, and they watched an old Jimmy Stewart movie, sitting close together on the sofa, their hands touching, fingers stroking fingers.

The phone rang halfway through the movie, and Jeff dived for it, hoping to hear Mallory's voice on the other end.

It was Brad Kreisler.

"Hey, Jeffy, how's it hangin'?"

"Fine, Brad."

"You don't sound so fine."

"Yeah, well…"

"I'm over at Nick's right now, and we're going out to eat. Wanna come?"

"Can't."

"Jesus, don't you
ever
go out and do
anything?
We're going to the Galleria, so you could stop by and see Lily what's-her-face."

"She's not working today."

"How do you know?"

"She's over here."

"Over
there?
You're shittin' me. Well, man, that's radical —Jesus, I better let you go. But first I gotta ask you something. You doing anything Wednesday night? 'Cause it's my birthday and, if you're not doing anything, my sister and her husband are kind of giving me a party, and I thought you'd like to come. My brother-in-law's pretty wild, so it oughtta be fun."

"Yeah, sure, I guess. I don't have any plans."

"Cool. I'll let you go"—he chuckled suggestively—"you slobbering humpbeast."

At ten minutes to five the front door opened, and Jeff looked over his shoulder expecting to see Erin.

It was Mallory.

Jeff was off the sofa and at her side in an instant.

She gave him a heavy-eyed smile and headed for her room, murmuring, "Hi."

"Mallory," he said, following her, but beyond that he didn't know what to say. As Mallory went into her room Jeff turned to Lily and said, "Call J.R."

"Do you have his number?"

"Call Information. Hurry." He followed Mallory into her room. "Mallory, what are you doing here?"

"I thought you'd be glad to see me," she said wanly.

"I am, I
am,
but… Mallory, we have to talk."

She took a small suitcase from her closet, removed her coat, and opened a dresser drawer. "Have you seen my white jeans?"

"Mallory."

"What do we have to talk about?"

"Don't act dumb—you know. About where you've been, what you've been doing."

"You know. You were there. Friday night. Mace told me."

Hanging from her neck, Jeff saw one of the crosses—what did Nikki call it?—a Crucifax.

Jeff started to speak again, started to tell her to stop and talk with him, but there was movement in the living room. He heard the door open and close, heard footsteps and voices, Erin's voice, and then she was at the door of the bedroom, her eyes wide, her movements frantic.

"Mallory, where have you been,
where-have-you-been?
"

"With friends."

"Why didn't you tell us, why didn't you call or say something before you left?"

"Did Jeff tell you I was gone?"

Erin said nothing.

"You didn't even know I was gone, did you?"

No reply.

Mallory smiled. "See? What difference does it make?" She turned back to her dresser drawer and began removing clothes.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting some things together."

"Why? Where are you going?"

"To be with my friends."

"You're staying right here, we're going to talk, do you understand me?" She was raising her voice.

"I don't want to talk to you about anything."

They went on, but Jeff quickly began to tune them out. In seconds they were both shouting, and Jeff closed his eyes. Turning from them, he left the room and went to the living room, where Lily stood watching anxiously as he approached her.

"Did you get him?" Jeff asked softly.

She nodded. "He said he'll be over in a few minutes. Is everything… well, would you rather I went away?"

Jeff thought about it a moment and agreed that it might be a good idea. He walked her out to her car in the rain, stood beside her beneath the carport as she unlocked her door. She turned, gave him a brief kiss on the lips, got in, and drove away.

He didn't want to go back inside. It had been pretty quiet since school had started; now, though, even standing outside under the carport, he could hear their shouting voices, could see in his mind's eye their angry, twisted faces….

Jeff returned slowly, letting the rain soak his clothes as he took long, deliberate steps across the grass in front of the apartment building. Before he went inside, J.R. pulled up in his car, parked illegally in front of the building, and got out, jogging over to Jeff.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Mallory's home. So's my mom. They're fighting inside. Mom didn't know Mallory had been gone all this time, and now she's mad at me for not telling her."

"Jesus. How much have you told her?"

"Nothing, really."

"Okay. Let's go inside, and I'll try to talk with her."

They went into the apartment, and J.R. winced at the shouting that was coming from Mallory's room. Jeff felt as if he were shrinking; he wanted to disappear, or make everyone else disappear.

After a few moments, the voices were silent. Erin stormed out of Mallory's bedroom, pulling the door closed so hard the entire apartment shook.

"Mom," Jeff said as she stalked toward the kitchen, "this is J.R.—"

"Not now, Jeffrey." Cupboards slammed in the kitchen; the refrigerator door opened, then closed.

Hesitantly following her, J.R. said, "Mrs. Carr, I think it might be a good idea if we talked."

She returned with a glass of wine and looked coldly at Jeff, taking a gulp.

"This is your counselor?" she asked. "The one you've been telling our problems to?" To J.R.: "Jeff seems to be more comfortable talking to strangers than to—to his own mother. So I've been pretty much in the dark until today. What can I
do for you?"

"Well, there are some things I think you should know about, Mrs. Carr."

"And my son can't tell me?"

"Well, not all of it has to do with your family."

Her face changed then, relaxed; she looked interested but afraid, and she moved to the sofa, slowly lowering herself, never taking her eyes from J.R.

"What's my daughter been doing?" she asked.

Taking a deep breath, J.R. turned to Jeff and said, "C'mon, let's sit down…."

J.R. and Jeff took turns speaking, telling what they knew. As they talked, Erin seemed to sink deeper and deeper into the sofa. Several emotions crossed her face, but the strongest seemed, to J.R., to be guilt. Apparently, something more than just a simple mother-daughter argument had taken place between her and Mallory, something she seemed to feel had pushed Mallory away from her. He didn't feel he had the right to ask any personal questions just yet, but even if he did, J.R. wasn't sure he would.

Something about Erin Carr told him she was living behind a lot of walls. She seemed extremely guarded, as if she was protecting something.

She reacted to the story the same way J.R. had at first, with disbelief. But as they went on, her disbelief soon turned to puzzlement, and then fear. When the fear set in, she reached for Jeff's hand.

An hour after they began, once they'd told her everything they had to say, Erin sat silently on the sofa looking from Jeff to J.R. and back again. She said nothing, and after a few moments J.R. became uncomfortable with the silence.

"Look," he said, "I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since breakfast. Why don't I take you two to dinner?"

"No," Jeff said to his mother, "I'll stay with Mallory. You go." There was an encouraging tone in his voice, as if he wanted Erin to go out.

She seemed hesitant.

"I'd like to talk to you some more," J.R. said.

She nodded, agreeing, as if she knew it would be best if she got out of the apartment for a while.

In J.R.'s car, they both spoke casually for the first time since they'd met. They talked about the weather and about how fast the year had gone. Then there was a silence.

"I don't know what I've done wrong," Erin said.

"Pardon?"

"With Mallory. I… I feel like a failure."

"Jeff seems to think something happened between you two, you and Mallory, just before she left. Is that true?"

She hesitated a long time. "My husband left two years ago," she said, looking out the window. "He just took off, and I've been on my own since, trying to support the kids and myself. I've taken some jobs that aren't… well, that aren't exactly…"

"Yes?"

"I've been working for this phone sex agency. You know, guys call up, charge it to their credit cards, and some woman talks dirty to them for about twenty minutes. Last Thursday, Mallory came home while I was on the phone. Things weren't exactly peachy between us before that, but what she heard… well, that sent her over the edge. I guess she left that night and didn't come back until today."

"Does Jeff know about that, about your job?"

"No, and I want to keep it that way."

"Are you sure that's wise?"

She stared at him for a moment.

"Well," he went on, "after what happened with Mallory, maybe telling Jeff would be good. I mean, maybe it would avoid a repeat performance, know what I mean?"

"No. I don't want him to know. I'm going to quit both my jobs soon, as soon as I can find something else."

"Both
your jobs?"

Another long silence, then: "Well, I… I also dance. In bars. I strip."

"And Jeff and Mallory don't know?"

She shook her head.

J.R. thought about that a moment, chewing his lip. "Mrs. Carr, it's—"

"Oh, God, please call me Erin," she laughed.

"Okay. Don't you think it would make things easier just to tell them? I mean, if you did, it wouldn't be such a big deal. But if you keep hiding it from them…"

She nodded. "I know what you mean. But they're temporary, these jobs. I don't want them to… well, to taint Jeff's and Mallory's opinions of me."

"But you're their mother! If you made them understand your situation—I mean, well, you're single, you've got to support them…."

"Look, who's raising these kids, anyway?"

He nodded. "I'm sorry. I was just… well, I'm thinking of them, too. I mean… Jeff and I have become pretty good friends. He's a good kid. He thinks the world of you and Mallory. He's very sensitive, and if he found out…"

"I know, I know. But he won't. I'm looking for other work." She turned to him and gave him a half smile. "Really. He won't."

He smiled back at her as he drove.

"Now," she said. "Where are we going?"

"You like Chinese food?"

Jeff sat in the living room for some time after his mother and J.R. left. There were no sounds coming from Mallory's room, and he hesitated to go in to see her, although he wanted to very much. It seemed like she'd been gone much longer than three days, and he wanted to sit down and talk with her—not just about what had been going on, but the way they used to talk….

He went to her bedroom door and knocked softly. "It's me.

"C'min."

Jeff opened the door and peered inside. Mallory was still gathering things together and putting them into her suitcase.

"So," he said, going into the room, "how are you?"

"Well, until Mom got home, I was just fine," she laughed. Her eyes were tearstained and her voice was still a little sniffly, but she wasn't crying. "How are
you?
I haven't seen you in a few days."

"Yeah, I
know.
I've been okay, except… I've been worried about you."

"Oh, you shouldn't do that. I'm fine. I've been having a lot of fun, meeting lots of new people… you know, you should come."

He ignored that. "I wish you'd stop packing."

"I have to. I don't need much, really, but I need something. I have to have a change of clothes and some—"

"You're not leaving, Mallory. I'm not going to let you."

She stopped packing and turned to him, smiling. Crossing the room, she put her hands on his shoulders and kissed his cheek. "You're sweet," she said. "You're always so worried about me." Mallory smiled at him, her face close to his. "You shouldn't be, you know. I'm fine. I can take care of myself."

"But I
do
worry. So does Mom."

"Yeah, I can tell," she laughed. "She didn't even know I was gone, Jeff! What does it take for you to see that she just… doesn't… give… a damn."

"But she does! And so do I."

She moved away and went back to her suitcase, adjusting its contents and closing it securely. "Anything to eat?" she asked.

"Well… I guess I could fix you a sandwich, maybe."

"Yeah. Do that. I'm gonna take a shower." She slipped her shirt off, tossed it aside, and left the room in her pants and bra, smiling.

Jeff turned away quickly, trying not to stare at the dark valley between her breasts, at the way they filled her bra and shifted slightly as she walked.

He went to the kitchen and made her a turkey sandwich while she showered. Several minutes later she came out in her robe and sat down at the table.

"It's delicious," she said as she ate.

Jeff sat down at the table with her and popped open a Coke.

"You know, I've missed you," Mallory said.

That was when he noticed it, a certain heaviness to her eyes, a slightly odd cadence to her speech. She was not the same; she'd changed during her absence. He remembered the smell of marijuana inside the health club Friday night and thought perhaps she'd been doing a lot of that. But it seemed more than a drug-induced change. She was more relaxed than usual, more at ease, more… herself.

"I wish you'd come back with me," Mallory went on, quickly finishing the sandwich. She took a sip of his Coke, smiled, and stood. "Want some grass?"