Crossing the Lines (39 page)

“Yes. Having a defined task calms Jay. You’ve seen that behavior in him yourself. I did not expect Cal would appear, nor that he would approach in such a bullying fashion after so many years.” His face twitched as though the thought pained him. “He couldn’t have been present when we arrived.”

Maybe he needed to talk it out. Who did he have? Confiding vulnerability to Jay didn’t seem Henry’s style. He had to be strong for Jay.

She understood that impulse. Hadn’t she been the strong one at home for Olivia? The one Mom depended on? She could listen. Finally, something she could do for him.

“No, Emma would have informed me, certainly.”

She swiftly reviewed the night in her head. “The coat-check woman?”

“One of the founders, along with her husband,” he corrected. “She keeps an eye on things, making sure the gatekeepers do their jobs, preventing intoxicated patrons from playing and so forth.”

She tried, but she couldn’t picture the woman. Older, in a black dress…
she kissed Henry.
Nothing else had stood out beyond her own nerves.

“We sit and chat on occasion, as we likely would have done tonight if the two of you hadn’t been with me for the first time. Her voice is the only submissive’s on the board.”

“She’s a submissive?” If Henry talked to her often, he did have a friend to confide in. She felt a mix of relief that he had someone and envy that it wasn’t her. Had they ever…

Now wasn’t the time to ask.

“Was. She hasn’t played since her husband’s death. But she has a head for business, and she gives excellent advice, and she never agreed with the club’s treatment of Cal.”

“What did they do to him?” If he didn’t want her to ask, he’d say so. Speaking her mind was perfectly acceptable at home.

“Sixty-day suspension of privileges. A travesty. I pushed for a year and mandatory supervision by another dominant for a further year. Emma voted for a lifetime ban. She argued a safeword violation was insupportable. But Cal’s father carried weight then. He was a board member himself. Sixty days, and not even an apology to Jay. I very nearly had to apologize myself, to Cal, for interrupting his scene when I had not first confirmed that his sub was in distress.”

His voice was wry. She was horrified. Sixty days? How could anyone think that an appropriate punishment for what amounted to rape?

“Cal has clearly held a grudge, though I feel he has little cause, given the lightness of his punishment. His ego…Nevertheless. The error was mine, and you and Jay paid dearly for my misjudgment.”

“The error was Cal’s,” she corrected. “He’s a jackass. We’ll be fine.”

“Will we? Jay is drowning in guilt for abandoning you, for not protecting you, and the progress we’ve made in conquering his fear has been erased. I’ve guilt of my own for allowing such a thing to happen to both of you while you put your trust in my hands and for dealing punishment when you did nothing to deserve it. And you. My dear girl. How will you trust me, going forward? Cal misbehaved, and I abused
you
for it.”

The uncertainty in his voice crawled under her skin. The edge of castigation, of self-flagellation. The same vulnerability he’d shown the night he’d brought Jay home from the hospital.

She’d managed to do everything wrong that night. Wrong enough that he’d hustled her out of the apartment rather than accept comfort from her.
Do not fuck this up, Alice.

“You offered me the chance to stop it, Henry. You asked if I trusted you and I did. I still do. I haven’t forgotten how to say pistachio. I
chose
not to.”

“You flinched,” he murmured.

“I’m sure I did.” Actually, she wasn’t certain of much. The experience had been overwhelming and even now remained hazy. Time and distance might make it clearer. “It’s a natural response to pain. You know that.”

“No. Afterward.” His voice remained quiet, and she found it impossible to decide if it was only to avoid waking Jay. “I raised my hand to stop Jay from starting a brawl. You believed…you believed I would hit you again. That I wouldn’t stop at ten as I said I would.”

Lying to spare him pain, no matter how attractive, wouldn’t make things easier.

“For half a second, yes.” Better to tell the truth, to show him how much she still trusted him. “My body responded before my mind.” She was here, wasn’t she? Naked beside him in bed. “I wasn’t in a thinking place, Henry. I was in a reacting place. If you raised your hand now, I wouldn’t fear its fall.”

Jay still clutched Henry’s left arm in his sleep. She reached for the right, sliding her hand down Henry’s forearm, giving him time to pull away if he wished.

Lifting the hand that had struck her with force mere hours before, she brought it to her mouth and pressed kisses to his palm.

“If you need my forgiveness, Henry, you have it. Circumstances conspired against us tonight. It doesn’t make me question your judgment. Tell me…” She groped for words. “Tell me what you hoped tonight would be like.”

“I had hoped it would be a pleasant experience for you both. You enjoy watching and being watched. Aside from the anxiety of being in a new situation, I expected you would do well, and having Jay at your side would provide reassurance, a familiar experience in an unfamiliar setting. Giving Jay the task of watching out for you, allowing him to focus on something beyond his own lingering feelings of discomfort, seemed a gentle way of giving him back something he once enjoyed.”

Weary defeat invaded his voice, and she ached for him.

“It was working, Henry. You were right. His excitement was like a living thing in him. When we were heading back to you, before he saw Cal, he was so
Jay
. All that eagerness ready to play. He hoped you’d show us off in a scene. If we hadn’t run into that man, it would’ve been exactly as you envisioned it.”

She kissed his palm once more. Tears sliding from the corner of his eye past his temple astonished her.

“I forgive you, Henry. You haven’t lost me, and you haven’t lost Jay. We aren’t broken. We’re here, and we’re whole, and we—”

She paused, the night’s realization new and fragile and frightening. She’d never felt it this deeply and what if he didn’t feel the same? But he felt something, or he wouldn’t fear losing them.
Collared.
She pushed on.

“I love you, Henry. You and Jay both. I know it’s not part of our contract and I know you’re not obligated—”

He pressed his hand to her mouth, startling her and stopping the flow of words.

“You babble when you’re anxious, dearest. You haven’t any reason for anxiety in this. The sentiment is equally true in reverse. I love you, Alice. I simply didn’t wish to put undue pressure on you. So many times, I was certain I had given myself away. Frightened you off with my feelings.” He shook his head, as though he couldn’t believe she hadn’t known. “I think you already know Jay’s feelings on the matter.”

The utter sincerity of his words and the depth of love in his eyes stunned her into silence. Not only did he love her back, but he’d said it decisively. This wasn’t something he needed to consider. It was something he knew
.
Something he’d known far longer than she had.

His quiet chuckle held a rueful edge. “I intended this conversation as a comfort
for
you, my dear, and yet I find myself utterly relieved and comforted
by
you instead. I’m hardly fulfilling my obligations to you.”

“You have comforted me, Henry. Knowing you love me is all the comfort I need.”

But it was still a contract night. Although witnessing sexual acts had figured largely into the evening, none of them had significantly engaged in any. She’d gotten the lone orgasm. Could she comfort him that way? Was that something he needed, something she could provide?

“Unless you want…” She trailed off as he shook his head.

“No, Alice. It’s your contract night, and your right to ask for satisfaction. It’s true I’ve provided little in the way of that this evening, another failure on my part.” He frowned. “But no. Perhaps we need to look at things from a perspective in which comfort needn’t be linked only to sexual acts. I would prefer to hold you close, my dear. Because I can, and because you enjoy it, and because you are far more to me than an outlet for sexual desire.”

“That would be enough for you? Comforting?” She needed to know he was well, just as he always needed to know she was at the end of their nights. She didn’t want him thinking of his failures. What
he
saw as failures. Didn’t want him questioning himself or his judgment.

“Your presence itself is a comfort to me. You might have chosen to walk away. Tonight, these events, could have shattered everything. That they have not, that we have reached
this
point in time instead…I haven’t even the words to express…”

Curling his hand around the back of her head, he slipped fingers through her hair. He guided her face to his for a tender kiss, all lips and no tongue. When he released her, she snuggled down against his side, her head on his shoulder, her body clasped to his.

“Sleep, Alice. In the morning we might discuss a new arrangement, if you’re amenable. Something more long-term.”

She wanted that. Wanted it like she hadn’t wanted anything since she’d been a small child and everything that caught her interest had become an instant obsession. She wouldn’t find a replacement obsession this time. She needed Jay and Henry in her life like she needed water and oxygen.

But she had Jay’s needs to consider. And Henry’s, though she wasn’t sure what those needs were, even if they included her in some fashion. He was a difficult man to read.

“He’ll need you, Henry.” She forced herself to say the rest. “Maybe exclusively.”

Jay’s health mattered most. She needed to give Henry the option, to let him know she understood.

“You’ve been through this with him before. You know better what he needs.” She could love him without being selfish. She could be generous. Like Jay. “If you need me to step aside, to make myself scarce so you can focus on helping him, I can do that.”

It would hurt, but she could do it, so long as Henry loved her.

“No.” Henry’s voice was sharp, decisive. He took a breath. “He’ll need you, too, my dear. He’s been happier with you here than he has with years of casual encounters with women. He needs stability. Together, we can provide that, if you’re willing. Or did you miss how desperate he was to help you tonight?”

He pushed her hair back, tracing the edge of her ear. “After I…hit you. When Cal suggested he would…”

She shivered, the image of that man stroking himself and idly suggesting fucking her mouth a too-fresh memory. Henry’s hand tightened, clasping her to him, shielding her.

“Jay started to stand. Without permission. Moving toward the threat against you, toward the man he still fears.”

Jay’s victory registered, but her mind fixated on a single word: hit. Henry blamed himself.

“You mean spanked.” She needed to make the distinction, for her own sanity. “With my consent.”

The silence stretched. She waited. She would outwait him on this. He needed to know, to understand she understood.

“Do you truly see it that way, Alice? Can you? I’ve no doubt Cal manipulated the situation to provoke you—”

“He threatened to take us upstairs. To whip Jay. To rape me. To whip me until my skin split.” She spoke in a deadened monotone.

Okay, maybe I’m not processing this well yet either.

At Henry’s deep inhalation, she rushed onward. “It doesn’t matter. I knew you wouldn’t let that happen if I could get us back to you. So I did. And you didn’t let it happen. What you did wasn’t the same thing. It wasn’t even in the same league.”

She wasn’t about to lie and imply the night had been easy. He’d never believe that, and she’d hurt him if she tried it. He wouldn’t want her to hide from him. Above everything else, he needed her to let him help her.

“I’m not saying it wasn’t embarrassing or that it didn’t hurt. You know it was and it did. That was hard for me. Other than with you, I’m not really the best submissive, am I? Too independent. Seeing the submissives at the club—I thought Jay was, but…”

She shook her head against his shoulder. She’d need days to sort out the sights and the behavior, to assign everything a value and figure out what it all meant. Weeks, maybe.

“He just loves you, and he needs discipline and structure to help him focus. He craves it. And I love you, and I like how I feel when you’re pleased with me. I need that approval. Being punished was feeling like I’d let you down even though you’d told me I hadn’t. It messed with my head. But I know the difference between letting you spank me and being abused. And I need to know that you know I understand. Please, Henry.”