Crossing the Line (35 page)

Forcing her lids open, Megan turned her head to the side. The first thing she noticed were Paul’s eyes. They were bloodshot and puffy as if he’d been crying. 

Everything was coming back to her as the fog of sleep left her brain. “What happened?”

He frowned. “You don’t remember?”

“Yes. I meant what happened to Jay?” The last thing she remembered was the searing pain of him cutting her wrist, and then a loud bang. After that, things started getting fuzzy.

“He can’t hurt you anymore.”

She could have asked Paul to clarify, but the hard set of his jaw told her what he meant. Twisting her wrist slightly, she cupped the side of his face. He leaned into it for a second and then pulled back. It was her turn to frown. “What’s wrong?”

Paul stood, and her arm fell onto the mattress. “I need to call your sister. Will you be okay alone for a few minutes?”

“Of course, but—”

“I’ll be right back.”

Megan watched as he disappeared through the hospital curtain. What the hell just happened? 

She was still mulling it over when a nurse pushed aside the curtain. “It’s good to see you awake. How are you feeling, Miss Carson?”

“All right.”

The nurse looked at something over Megan’s shoulder. “Your vitals look good. How’s the pain?”

Megan glanced down at her wrist. It hurt but she figured, given the circumstances, it could be worse. “It’s tolerable.”

“Well, everything is looking good so far. You lost a decent amount of blood, though, so we’re going to want to keep you hooked up to an IV.” The nurse patted Megan’s shoulder. “If all goes well, we should be able to send you home in a few hours.”

After checking the bandage on Megan’s arm, the nurse exited the room, pulling the curtain closed behind her. With a few minutes alone, Megan’s thoughts drifted back to Paul and his strange reaction to her gesture. It was the first time since she’d returned from visiting her sister that he’d shied away from her touch. 

Was he repulsed by her injuries? Megan didn’t think so. She knew he saw far worse on a regular basis being a homicide detective.

Maybe he was attempting to remain professional. Jay had admitted to being the serial killer, and that was Paul’s case. 

But even that didn’t make sense. They were alone. If anyone had walked in on them, it would most likely have been one of the nurses. She couldn’t imagine the hospital staff would have said anything. It wasn’t as if he were crawling into bed with her in the middle of the ER.

She was still trying to figure things out when a hand poked through the fabric, and Paul slipped back inside the confined area. He smiled, but it looked forced. 

“Rebecca will be here in the morning. I’m not sure if Gage is coming with her or not. He was going to call his coach and see if he could skip tomorrow’s practice.”

“What? Why?”

He lowered himself back into the chair he’d been sitting in earlier, but unlike before, he kept space between him and the bed. “She couldn’t get a flight out until then.”

Megan shook her head. “No. I meant, why is she coming? I’m fine.”

“Megan, you could have . . . died.” 

Paul averted his gaze as he said that last word, and something clicked in her brain. 

“Why did you pull away from me earlier?”

To his credit, he didn’t deny it. “I think once you’re feeling better, you should go home with your sister. With the baby coming, I’m sure she’d love to have some help.”

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Okay, she could. That didn’t mean she had to like it. “I’m not going to go live with Rebecca.”

He met her gaze, and his mask was back. All the tenderness she’d seen in his eyes over the past week was gone. “I want you to go.”

“Why?” she demanded. If he thought she was going to pack her bags and go willingly, then he sorely underestimated her. She’d gotten a glimpse of what they could have, and she wanted it.

Paul tilted his head down, no longer looking at her. “It’s the right thing. The best thing.”

“For who?”

“You.” He still wasn’t looking at her. 

The urge to scream made her head ache worse. She probably should have accepted the nurse’s offer for pain medication. It was too late for that, however, and there was no way she wanted anyone interrupting their conversation. “You’re what’s best for me.”

“I’m not.”

She released a heavy sigh, trying to keep her temper in check. “Is this about Melissa again? About you not feeling good enough? I thought we’d gotten past that.”

Paul looked up, but he kept his shoulders hunched over. “You could have died.”

Was that it? Did the fear of losing someone else he cared about spark some sort of buried trauma? “But I didn’t. I’m going to be fine.”

He stood abruptly and began pacing in the small space next to her bed. “Don’t you understand? You could have died, and it would have been my fault. This is why I knew a relationship would be a bad idea. I’m not good for you, Megan. I’m not good for any woman.”

At that moment, Megan really wished she could shake him. “What in the world are you talking about?”

Paul stopped moving and stared several feet above her head. “If I hadn’t introduced you to Rollins, he never would have known who you were.”

“That’s absurd.”

He lowered his gaze to meet hers. “Is it?”

“Yes. The whole reason Jay came to the house was because I ran into him outside the library Friday, and he wanted to make sure I hadn’t said anything to you about it. Me running into him had nothing to do with you.”

Paul seemed to consider that. “But if you’d never met, he might have walked right on by you.”

“
Might
.”

He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Your sister is going to need you, and—”

“And I’m not going. First of all, I won’t leave Chloe like that. I promised her I had no plans to leave anytime soon, and I won’t have her thinking I lied to her.”

“Chloe will get over it,” he said, interrupting her.

She ignored him. “Second, Rebecca and Gage will be fine on their own. If she needs my help for a couple of weeks after the baby’s born, I can go then. But honestly, I’m guessing your mom is probably going to be all over that. She hasn’t had a new grandchild in five years.”

Paul didn’t have a rebuff for that one. 

Megan decided to press forward. “And third. I love you.”

He began shaking his head. “You don’t. It’s just a crush. It’s just . . .”

“Paul, I’ve been in love with you for a while now. So the question is how do you feel about me?”

“Megan, I . . .” He looked torn.

Pushing through the pain, she reached for him. The move nearly ripped the IV out of her hand, but she didn’t care. This was important. “I don’t care about the past. This isn’t about Melissa, or Chloe, or anything else besides you and me.”

He gazed down at where she was gripping his wrist. “I want you to have a long and happy life.”

She smiled. “I want that, too. With you.”

“That’s not possible.” Paul was shaking his head again. She really wished he would stop that. 

“Paul, just answer the question. Do you love me?”

He took her hand in his and began playing with her fingers. As much as she wanted him to get on with it—to answer her question already—she tried to be patient and give him time. 

Before he could answer, the nurse returned. She made a clicking sound with her tongue when she saw how Megan was putting strain on her IV leads. Without a word, the nurse retracted Megan’s arm, and Paul released her. It felt as if any ground they’d gained had been lost with the physical separation. 

“There. Everything looks to be in working order. How’s the pain?” Although the nurse was speaking to Megan, she sent several reproachful looks in Paul’s direction. 

“I’m fine,” Megan answered, not taking her eyes off Paul.

“All right. I’ll be back to check in on you in a bit.” The nurse sounded doubtful.

Megan waited until they were alone again. “Paul?”

He closed his eyes. “Please, don’t ask me that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to lie to you.” 

She swallowed. “I just want the truth. Please.”

Why was she doing this? He was trying to do the right thing. 

Megan shifted, and he realized she was going to reach for him again. He couldn’t have that. Stepping closer, he placed a stilling hand on her forearm. 

She wouldn’t let it go otherwise—he knew she wouldn’t.

There was noise all round them in the ER. The only thing that separated it from them was a thin layer of fabric. Even still, it seemed as if the world around them faded away.

He looked into her young, beautiful face. “Yes. I love you.”

She smiled.

“Which is exactly why you need to go with your sister. Megan, I can’t lose you like I did Melissa. I’d rather you live your life away from me than have it cut short. I wouldn’t survive it.” He sounded desperate, and he was. Paul had to get her to understand. He was doing this for her.

Megan’s eyes filled with moisture. “Paul, you didn’t kill Melissa. Should you have picked up the diapers on your way home like you said you were going to? Probably. But you’d just come from a murder scene. No one expects you to be unaffected by that. You
are
human.”

“That doesn’t excuse—”

“Shut up and listen to me,” she snapped. 

If the situation weren’t so serious, Paul would have laughed. 

“Melissa is the one who made the choice to go out that night, not you. She could have waited until morning. I’m sure Chloe would have survived a few hours with a wet diaper.”

This was the first time Megan had said anything negative about Melissa, and Paul wasn’t sure he liked it.

“And what about the drunk driver? Does he not have any responsibility in her death? He chose to drink and then get behind the wheel. They made those choices, Paul, not you.” Megan’s voice trailed off.

What she said made sense, but that didn’t change the guilt he felt. 

Before he could say anything, she continued. “I know you think you should have somehow been able to foresee what would happen and save her, but you’re not perfect, Paul. None of us are. I love how protective you are of those you love, but I don’t need you pushing me away because you somehow think that’s what’s best for me. I’m a grown woman. I will make my own decisions on who I want, where I want to live, and anything else. Clear enough for you?”

Despite their surroundings and the fact that he knew she had to be weak from her recent blood loss, Megan looked as fierce as a mother lion defending her cub. If he didn’t know any better, he would think she was ready to pounce at any second.

“Well?”

“Well, what?” He’d been so caught up in studying her reactions, he must have missed something she said.

“I love you, and you love me, too. I’m not letting you get away that easily.”

“I never should have told you.”

“Why?” she asked.

Paul took a step back and lowered himself into the chair once more. “Because it doesn’t change anything. I’m still bad for you, Megan.”

She scowled at him. “And what about Chloe? Are you going to send her away, too?”

That surprised him. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, if people being in close proximity to you is such a bad thing, then I’d think you’d want your daughter as far away from you as you can get her. It’s only
logical,
after all.”

He blinked. “You think I should send Chloe away?”

“No. That’s my point.”

Paul sighed, and leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “I see what you’re trying to do, but it’s different. Chloe is my daughter—my responsibility. She already lost her mother. It wouldn’t be fair for her to lose me as well.”

“You realize how crazy that sounds, don’t you?”

He shrugged, not really sure what she wanted him to say. The situation with Chloe was different. Making sure she was taken care of and loved was the last thing he could give Melissa.

“Will you do me a favor?”

He looked up at Megan, afraid of what she might say next. “What?”

“Stop trying to do what you think is best for me.”

“I don’t know if I can do that.” It was the truth. Paul had always been the protector—for as long as he could remember. 

“Try.”

Neither of them said anything for several minutes.

“You really aren’t going to leave, are you?” He wasn’t sure if he was happy about that or not. It would be better for her to go, but selfishly he wanted her to stay.

“No.”

Resigned, Paul leaned back in his chair. Despite everything, he felt himself grin. 

“Care to share what’s so funny?” she asked.

“I honestly don’t know.”

Megan smiled. “Will you come closer? I want to be able to touch you, and I don’t think the nurse will like it much if I try to tear the needle out of my hand again.”

He hesitated and then scooted his chair closer. Taking hold of her hand, he laced their fingers together. Even something as simple as touching her made him feel better. He was still scared for her, although he wasn’t sure anything would ever take that away completely.

“So Becca’s coming tomorrow.”