Crimson Death (36 page)

I looked at him. “Is that how we make you feel, like an object?”

The smile was still showing in his face as he said, “No, but then we're in love with each other, and when you feed, the sex is part of our relationship.”

Jean-Claude said, “And do I make you feel like a piece of food rather than a person?”

Nicky shook his head. “You make me feel like prey sometimes, but never just food.”

“I do not see you as prey, Nicky.”

“Maybe
prey
is the wrong word. What do you call someone that you're trying to seduce?”

Jean-Claude looked surprised, which could have been totally pretend, but I didn't think so, or maybe I didn't want to think so.

“I swear to you, Nicky, that I have not tried to seduce you when you allowed me to feed.”

Nicky studied the vampire's face for a minute, then turned to me. “Has he been trying?”

“To seduce you?”

He nodded.

“No, I mean, not really. Jean-Claude is very sensual in almost everything he does, and he treats taking blood as important. He never makes it fast food, if you know what I mean.”

“You donate your life's blood to keep me alive and well. How can I treat it as anything but a sacred sharing?”

“Sacred sharing, I like it,” I said.

“Are you just going to ignore my suggestion?” Sin asked.

“I think we were hoping you'd rethink it,” I said.

“Why?”

“I have never taken blood from you,
neveu
, and I would not start now.”

“Why not?”

“You do not understand what you are asking of me.”

“I've donated blood to Echo.”

“You are her lover and her wife's lover. I call you
neveu
. It means ‘nephew' and I use the word very deliberately, Sin.”

Sin nodded. “I know, you use it to remind yourself that I am your beloved nephew, the prince to your king, not a romantic partner.”

“If you know all that, then how can you offer yourself to me like this?”

“I'm not offering to have sex with you, Jean-Claude, just give blood.”

“It's never just blood with Jean-Claude,” I said, studying his face. I could have lowered my shields and understood what he was actually feeling, or even thinking, because I could share both with my animals to call, but I didn't try to get emotionally closer. Until I found out where this was going and why, I wasn't sure I wanted Sin inside my head that far.

“I know he can take blood without messing with my head; any vampire can.”

“But then it is just pain,” Jean-Claude said.

“I'm okay with that,” Sin said.

“I am not.”

Sin looked at the vampire then. “What do you mean?”

“I have worked long and hard to bring myself to a point where I have so many people in my life that I care for who willingly give their life's blood to me. I do not have to take blood where I can find it, Sin, but where I want it.”

“I want to be seriously considered for the commitment ceremony.”

“We are aware of that,
neveu
.”

“I kept asking why I wasn't being seriously considered, and finally someone told me it was because you saw me as a beloved nephew and you don't marry your nephew.”

Jean-Claude gave that wonderful Gallic shrug, though it's more graceful than that sounds. It was a gesture that meant everything and nothing, but he looked good doing it. It seemed a very French gesture.

“It's not just Jean-Claude, Sin,” I said. “Micah doesn't know what to do with you either.”

“But he sleeps in the bed with you, Nathaniel, and me. We've all had sex with you in bed at the same time.”

“That's true, but he still doesn't call you a brother-husband.”

“I asked Micah before he left town, and he said if everyone else agreed, he wouldn't fight it.”

“You have been a busy bee, haven't you?” I said, and again the crankiness was back. I tried not to have issues with Sin, but I did.

“I am sorry,
neveu
, but I will not agree to putting a ring on your finger. That is not the relationship we have, or want.”

“Nicky donates blood to you and he's not your lover.”

“That is true, but you have already heard him accuse me of attempting to seduce him when I have not tried. I am of a line of vampires that takes power from sensual things, sexual things, and the emotions that such things engender in people. I am proud of you as an uncle or even a father might be. I cannot think of you as that and then hold you in my arms while I sink fangs into your flesh and suck a little piece of your life away.”

A moment of doubt crossed Sin's face, but he shook his head. “I value our relationship, Jean-Claude. I like being the young prince to your king, but I don't want to lose my place with Anita and the others.”

“Nothing is threatening your place with us,” I said.

He shook his head again. “You've already cut some of your other tigers out of your life as lovers and food for the
ardeur
, Anita.”

“If I tried to sleep regularly with everyone I was connected to metaphysically, the people at the core of my life wouldn't see much of me.”

“Am I a part of that core, Anita?”

I took a breath and wanted to say something else, but I said the truth. “Yes.”

“Then why do you keep pulling away from me?”

“We talked about this, Sin.”

“I can't change the fact that I'm only nineteen, or that you're twelve years older than I am.”

“I know that,” I said.

“Do you?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Then why do you punish me for it?”

“I don't punish you for it.”

“Even I'm going to agree with the kid on this one, Anita,” Nicky said.

I glared at him. “I thought you were designed to keep me happy, especially with you. Just so we're clear, this is not me being happy with you.”

He looked at me. “I'm supposed to help keep you happy.”

“That would be my point.”

“When you're not all weird about Sin, he's part of what keeps you happy. Do you know why he was with me when they gave me Jean-Claude's message?”

It felt like Nicky had changed topics, but I said, “Of course I don't know that. Are you changing topics?”

“Sin and I were talking about what he'll be making for dinner since Nathaniel will be in Ireland tonight and he's the main cook for our poly group. Sin thought that through and came to me with a plan.”

I looked from one to the other of them. “That's great,” I said.

“Sin and I sous chef for Nathaniel most of the time, or cook some of the dishes.”

“I know that.”

“Then why do you seem so surprised that we're talking about meal planning while Nathaniel is out of town?”

“I guess we're taking most of the people you cook for.”

“It's our night at the Jefferson County house with Zeke, Gina, and Chance. They'll be expecting us and we always cook when we're there.”

I was embarrassed to have forgotten all about the little family that was now spending more time in my house than I was. “I wouldn't have even thought to phone them. I'm sorry.”

“We have it covered, Anita, but we have it covered because I'm getting on the plane along with Nathaniel.”

“I'm sorry, Sin. I didn't even think about the fact that Nathaniel does most of the cooking and meal planning.”

“Nathaniel and Nicky both told me as soon as they found out so I could start planning. Nathaniel seems a little caught up with Damian, so Nicky's been helping me plan.”

“But I didn't tell you, which was shitty of me.”

He nodded, shrugged, and then said, “Shitty will about cover it, yeah.”

“Sin and I started out talking meals, but he had a new idea that was more about the personal stuff.”

“Do I want to know?” I asked.

“I think it explains some things,” Nicky said.

I took a deep breath, let it out slow, and looked at Sin. “Okay, I'm listening.”

“We are listening,” Jean-Claude said.

Sin swallowed and suddenly looked younger than nineteen, almost as young as the teenager I'd first met. “We all share each other's emotions, thoughts, feelings. I know that how we met and the age difference bother Anita, but I wondered if maybe the fact that Jean-Claude has kept me at arm's length emotionally is impacting how she feels about me.”

“What are you saying?” I asked.

“Jean-Claude works really hard to be a good guardian for me. He's started calling me
nephew
as my nickname to emphasize that I'm not his boyfriend, or boy toy, or sexual anything. I appreciate the effort he's made, but what if his working so hard to keep me in the ‘child' box, the ‘son' box, has made it harder for you to feel romantically toward me?”

I shook my head. “I came into our relationship having these issues, before Jean-Claude ever met you.”

“We were both pretty traumatized by the Mother of All Darkness, Anita.”

“You didn't seem traumatized. You seemed . . . besotted with me,” I said.

“You were the first sex I'd ever had. That can be pretty overwhelming.”

I thought about the discovery, just minutes before, of Asher being Jean-Claude's first male lover. It explained so much about why he'd put up with so much bad behavior from Asher for so long.

“You're saying that the ‘oh boy it's sex' made you seem less traumatized to me.”

“Something like that.”

I looked at Jean-Claude. “Could Sin be right? Could your trying so hard to keep him in the ‘child/nephew' box impact how I feel about him?”

“Perhaps.”

Nicky asked, “How does it make you feel when you catch some of Anita's sexual attraction to Sin?”

Jean-Claude had gone very still, his face an almost unreadable mask, beautiful to look at it, but distant. He was trying very hard not to share anything he was feeling or thinking. “I distance myself from it when she is feeling amorous toward our young prince.”

“Sin's right: You have started calling him
the young prince
or
nephew
, all terms to help remind you that he's so young and that you think of him as a younger relative, so the incest taboo attaches to him.”

“You know, this much therapy is really not making me want to feed the
ardeur
on anyone, right now,” I said.

“You must feed before you get on the plane,
ma petite
. Your fear of flying could weaken your control over it, and that would be regrettable in the airplane.”

I stared at him. “How regrettable?” I asked.

“If you lost control completely, the pilot could be involved, and how regrettable would depend on where in the flight you were when it happened,
ma petite
.”

I swallowed but seemed to have a lump in my throat that wouldn't go down. I had to cough to clear it.

“You're actually pale,” Sin said.

“I don't like to fly,” I said.

“You're afraid to fly,” Nicky said.

“Stop helping me,” I said.

He smiled, but it was gentle. “I am trying to help you.”

I looked into that one clear blue eye and held my hand out to him. “I know you are.”

He came and took my hand in his. “You are Jean-Claude's human servant, Anita. That means his attitudes and emotions affect you.”

“Our moods can affect each other,” I said.

He squeezed my hand and said, “Then maybe Sin is right.”

I looked at Jean-Claude, who was standing close to us. He was still giving a polite blank face, which meant he was hiding his feelings and thoughts as hard as he could. I looked at him. “You agreed with me, Jean-Claude, that the fact that the Mother of All Darkness mind-fucked Sin and me that first time together was what made me not be in love with him.”

“Of course that impacted how you would think of him,
ma petite
. How could it not?”

“Yes, but is your putting him in the ‘son I never had' box making it worse?”

“I do not know, and that is the truth.”

“Then why are you hiding what you're feeling so hard right now?”

“Because it had not occurred to me that my effort to treat Cynric as a good legal guardian should have stopped your ability to love him as you might have.”

“You feel stupid for having missed the possibility,” Nicky said.

“I would not have put it that way, Nicky, but yes.”

“So am I right?” Sin asked.

“I cannot tell you that you are wrong,” Jean-Claude said.

“See?” Nicky said. “You're right and you're wrong.”

“It's like Schrödinger's cat,” I said, “alive and dead at the same time until someone opens the box.”

“And what determines if the cat is alive or dead?” Sin asked.

“Leave the metaphors behind,
neveu
. It is my attitude that may have killed the cat.”

“For it to affect Anita this much, you must have been fighting pretty hard to keep Sin in the ‘young nephew' box,” Nicky said.

“I am his legal guardian. Bibiana and Max trusted me with Cynric's well-being. I have tried to do what is right by him.”

“You've been wonderful, Jean-Claude,” Sin said, moving toward the three of us.

“I have done my best.”

“No one could have done better,” Cynric said.

“Agreed,” I said.

“Agreed,” Nicky said.

“But did my efforts cost Cynric Anita's love?”

“Let us worry about that,” I said.

“No, Anita. Jean-Claude needs to help us see if this is really the problem,” Sin said.

“How?” I asked.

“How can I remedy this harm I may have caused?”

“I'm right about saving Nicky as food for the trip.”

“The reasoning is sound,” Jean-Claude said.