Authors: John Saul
Before Sharon could say anything else, he was gone. She listened as he stamped down the stairs and the front door slammed. From the curved window of the turret she watched him walk away from the house, his shoulders hunched, his head down. He was walking quickly, and she was certain she knew where he was going.
To the Harrises, where Jerry would assure him that he had indeed done the right thing, whatever his wife might think.
She turned away from the window and added a log to the fire as if the gesture itself would put a period to the fight. She wasn’t being fair, she chided herself. If Jerry thought Blake was wrong, he wouldn’t hesitate to say so.
She curled herself up in a small chintz-covered chair in front of the fire and tried to sort her thoughts out rationally, firmly putting aside the anger she felt over Blake’s failure to consult her before sending Mark out to Marty Ames.
Overall, she had to admit that Blake was right—certainly the doctor had done Mark no harm; indeed, from all appearances, he had done him a lot of good.
And from what Mark had said on the way home, Ames hadn’t really done all that much. In fact, in retrospect she found herself chuckling at Mark’s exasperation when she’d
pressed him for details as to precisely what had happened at the sports center.
It wasn’t any different from asking Kelly what had happened at school on a given day.
“Nothing” was her daughter’s invariable answer, as it had been Mark’s when he was the same age.
Finally, as she’d driven him home that afternoon, he’d turned to her with a teenager’s scorn for his mother’s silliness clear in his eyes.
“I keep telling you, Mom, nothing happened at all,” he insisted. “Dr. Ames checked me over and gave me a shot of codeine for my ribs, and then I did some exercises. That was all.”
“Exercises?” Sharon had echoed, glancing at him doubtfully out of the corner of her eye. “My God, Mark, you’ve got three cracked ribs. It must have hurt like—”
“It didn’t hurt at all,” Mark interjected, not about to admit to his mother that he’d actually passed out for a minute while working on a rowing machine. She’d go nuts and put him to bed for the rest of the day. Besides, it hadn’t been any big deal. He’d just opened his eyes, and one of Marty Ames’s assistants had been grinning at him. For a moment he’d wondered what had happened, then his memory had come back to him in bits and pieces.
He had no idea that those memories were only the ones carefully and subliminally planted in his subconscious during his long hours on the metal table in the treatment room. Of that ordeal he had no memory at all.
Sharon had finally dropped the subject as she turned into their driveway and pulled the car into the garage. Chivas, lying sleepily by the back door, had gotten lazily to his feet. As Mark got out of the passenger seat of the car, the retriever barked joyfully at the unexpected appearance of his master. He’d bounded forward, his tail wagging, then suddenly stopped.
His tail dropped and the fur on the nape of his neck had risen slightly as an uncertain growl bubbled in his throat.
“Hey, fella, don’t you recognize me?” Mark asked. He
squatted down, and Chivas, dropping low to the ground, had slunk forward, sniffing warily at Mark’s outstretched hand.
“What’s wrong with him?” Sharon asked.
Mark reached out and scratched the dog’s neck, then grinned up at his mother.
“I’m supposed to be at school, and I bet I smell really weird after a night in the hospital. I probably smell just like the vet’s office, and you know how he hates that.”
Sharon had all but forgotten the incident until dinnertime, when Mark, who had been closeted in his room most of the afternoon, had come down to the dining room table. Throughout dinner Sharon noticed that Kelly seemed unusually subdued. Several times she caught her daughter eyeing Mark surreptitiously, her expression puzzled. It wasn’t until the two of them were alone in the kitchen, washing the dishes, that Sharon finally asked Kelly about it.
“I don’t know,” Kelly had said, gazing up at her mother through serious-looking eyes. “He just looks sort of different, I guess.”
“Well, of course he does,” Sharon replied. “He’s got a black eye and a bad cut.”
“I don’t mean that,” Kelly protested. “It’s just the way he looks. He’s just not the same.”
That was the real reason behind her argument with Blake, Sharon decided now, as she sat staring into the fire. She’d tried to tell him about it, tried to explain what had happened with Chivas and what Kelly had said after dinner, but he’d brushed it all aside.
“Of course Mark’s different,” he’d said. “He got beat up and bandaged up, and even if the injuries didn’t change him, you can bet the fight did. You don’t get pounded the way he did without it changing you inside.”
“But it’s not inside,” Sharon had insisted. “Chivas saw it, and Kelly saw it, and I think I can see it, too. He’s just not the same as he was.”
In the end she hadn’t been able to put her finger on just what it was about Mark that had changed, and finally she’d
given up trying to make Blake see what she herself couldn’t describe. If the truth be known, she finally admitted to herself, perhaps there really was nothing at all. Perhaps she wanted to see something, simply to justify her anger toward Blake for having sent Mark to Ames without talking to her about it first.
She took a deep breath and stood up, making an almost physical effort to shake off the last vestiges of her anger and her vague, indescribable misgivings. Certainly Mark had seemed perfectly happy all day, and not the least concerned about his hours at the sports center. If anything, he had actually enjoyed them. So why should she keep on fretting?
She poked at the fire, settling the burning log well back against the fire wall, then arranging a screen on the hearth. Going downstairs, she saw Kelly standing at the living room window, gazing wistfully out at the snow. Reading her mind, Sharon smiled at her daughter. “Want to go for a walk in it?” she asked.
Kelly’s eyes glowed eagerly. “Can we?”
“Come on,” Sharon replied. Several minutes later, bundled up in the parkas Sharon had purchased only a few days earlier, mother and daughter stepped out into the snowy evening. The flakes were large and fluffy, and as they started down the sidewalk, the cold air stung their cheeks and they were quickly enveloped in the gentle silence that always comes with the first snow of the year.
Kelly reached out and took her mother’s hand. “I love it here,” she said, gazing around in happy wonder. “Aren’t you glad we moved?”
Sharon said nothing for a moment, then the peacefulness of the snowfall overcame her as well.
“Yes,” she said. “I guess I am.”
Yet even as she said the words, she wondered.
Charlotte LaConner shivered as she gazed out at the snow slowly building on the front lawn. Under normal circumstances
she would have been thrilled to see it, for it meant the skiing season was almost upon them, and that Christmas—always her favorite season—was just around the corner. Tonight, though, the whiteness outside only reflected the chill she was feeling in her own soul, and at last she turned away from the window to face her husband. Her eyes, she knew, had turned an angry bloodshot red, and her cheeks were still stained with tears.
“But it’s not right,” she pleaded once more. “I’m his mother, Chuck. Don’t I have a right to see him?”
Chuck LaConner, the memory of his son’s distorted features still etched deeply in his mind, forced himself to look directly at Charlotte as he once more repeated the story he and Ames had agreed upon late the night before. He rationalized to himself that at least she would be spared having to see what Jeff was turning into. Better she should live in ignorance than have that terrible image engraved on her heart forever. “It wouldn’t do you, or him, any good,” he said once more. “Char, he wouldn’t even recognize you.”
“But it’s not possible,” Charlotte whimpered, cowering away from his words as if she’d been struck. “I’m his mother, Chuck—he needs me!”
“He needs rest,” Chuck insisted. “Honey, I know it seems crazy, but sometimes these things happen. Jeff’s been under a lot of pressure lately—”
“And is that my fault?” Charlotte suddenly flared. “I wanted him to quit the team, remember?”
Chuck swore silently to himself. Remember? How could he forget? The argument had gone on almost every day since she’d gone to visit that boy in the hospital, and he still hadn’t been able to convince her that whatever had happened wasn’t Jeff’s fault. Then he realized that perhaps there was a way to turn her own words against her and once and for all put an end to this discussion. “Did it ever occur to you that your nagging might have contributed to what’s happened?” he asked, deliberately putting an icy edge on his words. As she recoiled, he repeated to himself yet again that all this was for her own good.
Charlotte dropped limply onto the sofa and stared at him bleakly. “Is that what he said?” she asked in a hollow voice. “That all this is my fault?”
Chuck licked nervously at his lips. “Perhaps not in so many words,” he temporized. “But what it comes down to is, for the moment the best thing we can do—both of us—is let the doctors take care of Jeff. And it’s not forever, honey,” he went on. “After a while, when he gets better …”
He let the words trail off. Part of his mind told him that he had just told his wife an outright lie; Jeff was never going to get better. But there was another part of him that wanted to believe that somehow Marty Ames would come up with a solution to the terrible thing that was happening to their son.
The important thing right now, though, was to keep Charlotte from finding out exactly how bad Jeff’s situation was. Of course, he would never forgive himself for what had happened, never forgive himself for enrolling Jeff in a medical program that carried any risks whatsoever, no matter how slight they might have been.
He’d lost his son. He’d understood that in the dark hours before dawn this morning, when Marty Ames had finally let him see Jeff. His first instinct had been to turn on Ames, to strike out at the man who had done this. But in the end, as always happened with him, reason had prevailed. He’d come to understand that in the final analysis it was he himself who was culpable, he who had made the final decision to allow Jeff to be treated with Ames’s experimental compounds.
He’d wanted it to work so badly, wanted so much for Jeff to be like all the other boys—especially like all the other boys in Silverdale—that he’d deliberately shut his mind to the possible side effects of Ames’s treatment.
And so he’d lost his only child.
And if Charlotte found out what he’d done, found out what had really happened to Jeff, he’d lose her, too.
But it didn’t have to be that way, he thought. If he could only convince her that Jeff’s problems weren’t physical at all, convince her that their son had simply suffered a mental
breakdown and needed a period of rest, perhaps she would never have to know the truth.
Perhaps Ames would find a cure and Jeff would be fine.
Or perhaps …
He deliberately shut his mind to the other possibility, telling himself that it wouldn’t happen. It would be just as Jerry Harris had told him that afternoon.
“I don’t want you to worry about a thing,” Harris said after calling Chuck into his office. “I’ve talked to Marty Ames, and he thinks there’s a good chance of turning this around. And you can count on TarrenTech. Whatever Jeff needs, he’s going to get.” They’d talked for a while, and Harris assured him that no matter what happened, both Jeff and the LaConner family would be taken care of. “And after this is over,” Harris had said, “you can take Charlotte anywhere you want to go. I can’t imagine you’ll want to stay in Silverdale, not after this. But it’s a big world, and we’re a big company. And we take care of our own.”
Even through his grief and guilt, Chuck had understood the message perfectly. What had happened to Jeff was going to be swept under the carpet, and neither the situation—nor his part in it—were ever going to be made public.
For a moment he’d hated Jerry Harris, hated him as much as he’d ever hated anyone in his life. But then, once more, that pragmatic core deep within him—the cold, analytical aspect of his personality that had not only made him valuable to TarrenTech over the years, but had led him to weigh the odds for Jeff three years ago and then take what he had thought was an almost risk-free gamble with his own son’s life—came to the fore.
There was no point in hating Jerry. After all, hadn’t Jerry himself taken the same gamble with Robb’s life? And Tom Stevens, with Randy? And how many others?
They were the same, all of them. All of them had the same hopes and aspirations for their sons; the same ambitions for themselves. All of them had gambled.
Most of them had won.
Tom Stevens had lost.
Now he had lost.
But he didn’t have to lose everything. He still had his career, and he still had his wife. And he intended to lose neither of those, no matter what it took.
He went to Charlotte and slipped his arms around her. “He’ll get better,” he promised. “And as soon as he does, then I know he’ll want to see you. But for now we just have to let him be.” He hugged her close and felt her draw in a deep breath.
“I’ll try,” she promised. She gazed up at him, her eyes flooding with tears. “But I miss him, Chuck,” she went on, her voice bleak. “I miss him so much, and he’s only been gone one day.”
Chuck said nothing, suddenly unable to speak to her again or even look at her.
Mark closed the book he’d been reading and sprawled out on the bed, his eyes closed. He hadn’t been able to concentrate on his homework, and knew he’d have to read the same section over again tomorrow night.
But he didn’t care, for while his eyes had been scanning the pages, seeing the words but not really taking them in, his mind had been going back again and again over the events of last night and today.
He remembered the fight—remembered every humiliating moment of it. He’d never had a chance, not from the very beginning, when Jeff had first tackled him. And when it was finally over and he was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, he’d felt like he was going to die. Nor had he felt much better when he woke up this morning.