Craving (Steel Brothers Saga Book 1) (8 page)

I
walked back
to my own bedroom.

And already I wanted her again.

What would it take to get rid of this need? This all-consuming ache for another person? I didn’t even know her very well yet.

I had taken her this morning, just as I’d taken every other woman who came to my bed. She hadn’t offered herself to me like they had, but I had taken her anyway. She hadn’t resisted, but still I felt a twinge of guilt. For some reason, I didn’t want to just take her. I wanted it to be mutual. I wanted her to want me as much as I wanted her—which was really odd, since most women wanted me way more than I wanted them. I was simply taking care of the physical need. But with Jade…

Damn. A flaw in my reasoning emerged. I kept thinking that if I could have her once, and then once more, I would get rid of this all-consuming need. The problem was, the more I had her, the more I seemed to want her.

I was screwed. Completely screwed.

She wouldn’t allow me to fuck her forever. She would eventually either tell me to stop, or she would want more—a relationship. And that was the one thing I couldn’t give her. I had no business being in a relationship with anyone. Not when I was so messed up.

Shit. I had to get out to the orchards. Check on everything. But I needed some alone time first. I quickly texted my foreman and told him I’d be an hour or so late coming down. Then I opened the door to my room, shut and locked it, and lay down on my bed, closing my eyes. Roger jumped up and snuggled at my feet.

Maybe just another hour of sleep—if I could be so lucky.

“
H
ey
, handsome.” Julie grabbed my arm and pulled me into her apartment. “Long time no see. Whatcha been up to?”

The little cocktail waitress was still hot as hell. Small in stature but nice and curvy, she wore a tight T-shirt and athletic shorts.

I didn’t answer her. I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I was in the mood to fuck—to fuck the memory of Jade Roberts right out of my head. After a hard day in the orchard, I’d driven to Grand Junction for a quick bite to eat and hopefully a quicker romp in the sack.

Julie was a fun little fuck. She smiled as I grabbed her and pulled her tight little body into mine. I leaned down and kissed her, forcing my tongue into her warm little mouth. She was so much shorter than Jade. My neck was ready to break.

No. No thoughts of Jade.

I deepened the kiss, searching, wanting, waiting for…that champagne and strawberry flavor that intoxicated me. Instead I got fresh mint. Not bad. I could make that work. I pulled her up against my pelvis and ground into her.

Nothing.

No erection.

I wasn’t even breathing hard.

I broke the kiss.

“What’s wrong, handsome?”

I didn’t answer.

Julie took my hand and squeezed it. “Wanna go into the bedroom?”

I let out a sigh and shook my head. No use. Another woman wasn’t going to help.

Damn, nothing would help. Nothing except Jade. I wanted to lose myself in her.

“I have to go,” I said to Julie.

“Come on, handsome. Let me help you take the edge off.”

If only she could. “Not tonight. I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, maybe another time…”

I walked out of her apartment and didn’t look back.

“
C
an’t reach it
, boy?” Tattoo chuckled.

The boy didn’t know their names, but the one with the tattoo—some kind of colorful bird wrapped in flames and rising from what looked like ashes—always took the lead.

The glass of water sat less than an inch from the boy’s reach. Full, with ice, and the boy was dying of thirst, his mouth parched. His lips were so dry the bottom one had cracked in the middle, and he tasted the tang of blood on his tongue.

“Look at him reach.” The one with the low voice laughed.

This was a game they liked to play. And even though logically the boy knew he would never be able to reach the glass of water, still he tried, stretching his arm as far as he could, thinking maybe, just maybe, today was the day his arm had grown a little bit, or that he could stretch his muscles those few more millimeters necessary…

It didn’t happen.

The three men laughed at him, taunting him. “Thirsty, boy? You want that water, boy?” Their devilish laughter echoed in his ears.

If only he could reach just a little farther…

He imagined the cool crisp water flowing down his throat, soothing the dryness, easing the ache of hunger that was always present, hydrating his dry lips, healing them.

Always that glass sat there, always slightly beyond his reach.

Always…

A
new memory
—how could I have forgotten? That fucking glass of water still tormented me. Again, I sat in the kitchen, staring at it. Never drinking it. Only that tiny sip that had barely wet my tongue the other night when Jade bothered me about it. The sip had felt wrong, like I deserved punishment for taking it. I didn’t know why. I drank plenty of water. I didn’t get dehydrated at all, but that midnight glass of water—the one that I poured myself, added ice to, and sat on the table before me—that was the one I couldn’t touch.

I hadn’t seen Jade since this morning—yesterday morning, since it was after midnight—when I left her bedroom. I assumed she went to work and then came home. I hadn’t gotten home from Grand Junction until nearly eleven.

Julie’s words rang in my mind.
Okay, maybe another time…

But I knew then and I knew now. There would be no other time with her or with anyone.

Until I got Jade Roberts out of my system, I wouldn’t be with other women.

Fatigue gripped me. God, I was so fucking tired. Always tired. If only I could get one whole night of sleep…

I looked over at the full glass of water, condensation forming on the outside of the glass. And again the maniacal laughter… I could still hear all three of them in my ears, laughing at me, taunting me with that glass of water.

I stood. “Damn it!” I said aloud. I picked up that fucking glass of water and hurled it onto the floor where it shattered into hundreds of little pieces.

Then I sat back down in the chair, letting the darkness take me, my head in my hands. Melancholy enveloped me. Sadness overtook me.

But I didn’t cry.

“
Y
ou want that water
, boy?”

The boy nodded. It would do no good, but he nodded anyway as he always did. Maybe this would be the one time when they felt sorry enough for him to give him the water.

“I’ll give you the water if you cry, boy,” Tattoo said, his eyes glowing beneath his black mask. “Go ahead. Cry for it. Cry like the little pansy you are.”

The boy was all cried out. There probably wasn’t enough water in his body to make tears.

But that water—that tall, clear glass of water—pulsed like a heartbeat. It was laughing too, ridiculing him, jabbing at him.

“You can’t have me. They’ll never let you have me…”

The boy closed his eyes, squeezing them together, desperately trying to conjure just one tear, even knowing that he still wouldn’t get the water if he cried. He bore down, clenched all his muscles, trying, trying…

“Come on, boy. Just cry for me. Cry one tear, and I’ll let you have the water.”

The boy didn’t cry.

T
he next morning
, I rose early and walked into the kitchen to clean up the mess I’d left. I didn’t want anyone slipping and getting hurt. Leaving the shattered glass and water on the floor had been self-indulgent. Two others lived in this house, and I had no right to put them in danger.

To my surprise, the kitchen floor was spotless. Felicia hadn’t come in yet, so either Jade or Marjorie had cleaned it up. My sister wasn’t known as an early riser, but she was used to my outbursts every now and then. I hoped it had been her. Otherwise Jade would come to me, asking a bunch of questions I didn’t want to answer. That I
couldn’t
answer.

It was a quarter to six, and I wanted to head out to the orchards early since I’d spent all yesterday morning shirking my duties. I had been pretty lax about the orchard lately, and I figured Jonah was due to stop by anytime to give me one of his big brother lectures on pulling my weight. I sure as hell wasn’t in the mood to listen to him, especially since he would be right.

I was rinsing out the coffee carafe when Marjorie loped up behind me.

“I cleaned up your mess earlier.”

Thank God.
I didn’t turn around. I measured coffee out of the grinder.

“You might’ve left a note or something. I could’ve cut the hell out of my foot, you know.”

I couldn’t argue. She was right. I shouldn’t have left that mass. What if she—or Jade?—had slipped and fallen on the broken glass? It could’ve been pretty nasty.

I turned. “You’re right. I’m really”—I hacked the dreaded word from my lips as it kicked and screamed to stay put—“sorry.”

“I’m just glad I found it this morning instead of Jade. It would have freaked her out. She should be up pretty soon. I think she meets Ryan over at the winery at nine.”

I poured water into the coffee maker and pressed start. “Today’s Saturday.”

“True. I don’t know if she’s working over there on Saturdays.”

“What are you doing up, Sis? You’re not usually an early riser, especially not on the weekend.”

“Hey, there’s a first time for everything. I thought I’d head over to the orchards with you. I guess it’s about time I started earning my keep around here.”

I let out a chuckle. “Suit yourself. It’s pretty boring right now. Lots of busy work.”

“I don’t mind busy work.”

“Good thing.”

I wanted to ask her about Jade. Had she confided in Marjorie about what had happened between us? My guess was no, or Marj would’ve come to me by now. “Marj?”

“What?”

“Your friend… Jade…”

“What about her?”

“I…was wondering about her ex-boyfriend.” I wasn’t, but it was a good way to find stuff out about Jade without asking more personal questions.

“Colin? He’s an ass.”

“Well, yeah, sure. He left her at the altar. But what kind of relationship did they have?”

“They were together all the time during college. He’s a trust fund kid. His dad’s a financial guy in New York, but they come from old money. Not that they have Steel money.” She smiled. “Anyway, after graduation she stayed in Denver and went to law school, and he went to New York to intern at his dad’s office, so it was long-distance. But they kept it going, determined to make the wedding date they had actually set three years before at college graduation. Obviously, it didn’t quite work out that way.”

“Do you think this Colin messed with her head?”

“Maybe a little. I mean, she was totally humiliated. But she seems okay. I think the relationship just ran out of steam, and neither of them wanted to admit it. I think, in the long run, she’s just as happy that they didn’t get married. She was just really embarrassed that day. I felt so bad for her. I was standing next to her as the maid of honor, waiting to walk down the aisle, and we were waiting…waiting…waiting… The best man, the groomsmen, and the ushers were all there, but no one seemed to know where Colin was. We tried to keep it from Jade for as long as possible, but finally we couldn’t put it off any longer. She was a trouper. She went up and told the congregation that there wouldn’t be a wedding. That Colin hadn’t shown up.”

My heart nearly broke for her right there in the kitchen. If I ever saw that Colin…

“Like you said, she seems okay now.” I poured two cups of coffee and handed one to Marjorie.

“I think she is. She’s little tense right now, waiting for her bar results. They should be here pretty soon. Of course, she’s brilliant, so I know she passed. But it will be a load off her mind when she knows for sure.”

“Yeah…” I wanted to know so much more about Jade, but I didn’t know how to ask Marjorie. “You think she’s happy out here?”

“She’s only been here for a couple weeks, Tal. But she likes working with Ryan at the winery. And I know she’ll be happy once those bar results arrive. She’ll be able to find a job here or in Grand Junction.”

I nodded. “She told me about her mom. That she’s that supermodel.”

“Brooke Bailey? Yeah. What a shallow bitch.”

I nodded. That was for sure. People who didn’t want to stay and raise their kids shouldn’t have kids. Which was exactly why I would never have kids. I’d be a terrible father.

“All in all, she seems pretty well-adjusted.”

Marjorie nodded. “Jade’s the best. Best friend a girl could have. She has certainly helped me through some hard times. Like any BFF would.”

I took a few more sips of my coffee. “I’m going to shower. Meet me in about half an hour, and we’ll drive over to the orchards.”

Marj smiled. She looked so much like my mama—a woman she didn’t even remember. She had the same nearly black hair and dark-brown eyes of all the Steels, but her face was shaped a little differently from ours. She had the soft lines and tiny little bow mouth that Mama’d had.

I missed my mother sometimes. But things had never been the same between us after…

Things were never the same, period.

I
slept late
. It was Saturday, and I didn’t have to go to work. I wanted to make sure I got up well after Talon had risen and headed out. At ten a.m., I finally rose. I knocked on Marjorie’s door, but she wasn’t there. Maybe she was in the kitchen or in the family room watching TV, maybe outside. Nope. After taking a walk around the entire house and the patio, I could not find her. Just as well. I needed some alone time to think.

The coffee in the coffee maker was cold. I started a fresh pot—a
strong
fresh pot—and then headed back to my room to shower while it brewed. The doorbell waylaid me.

Who could be coming at this hour on a Saturday? Then I laughed to myself. This hour? It was ten, not six a.m. It could be anyone. Of course, if they were looking for either Talon or Marj, they’d be out of luck.

Still in my boxers and tank top that I’d slept in, I walked to the door and looked out the peephole.

I rolled my eyes. Who should be on the other side of the door but my ex-fiancé, Colin Morse.

I hadn’t seen him since the rehearsal dinner the night before wedding. He had never bothered to show up later on the wedding day to apologize or anything. I had no idea where he had gone, and at this point, I didn’t rightly care.

Curiosity more than anything forced me to open the door.

He looked the same—handsome in a refined and priggish way—why had I never noticed that before?—with blondish hair, greenish eyes, boringish khaki trousers and white cotton dress shirt. His gaze zeroed in on my breasts. I crossed my arms.

“What are you doing here, Colin?”

“Can I come in?”

“No.”

“Come on, Jade.”

“Fine.” I stepped backward.

He strode into the foyer. “I took the red-eye to Grand Junction. I’ve been here since six this morning. It took me a while to find this place. It’s not exactly on a map.”

“The Steel property is pretty big.”

“I’ll say.”

“So what are you doing here?”

“I…I want to tell you how sorry I am.”

“You know, Colin, if you’d had the balls to tell me this before the wedding, or at least at the rehearsal dinner, we could’ve saved a little bit of money by canceling. Not a lot, mind you, but a little.”

“I didn’t really think this was about the money.”

Unbelievable. Colin had grown up with a silver spoon shoved so far up his ass he didn’t know reality. “You didn’t? You know my dad lives a modest life. You know I do too. He spent twenty grand of his hard-earned savings to give me the day of my dreams, and we weren’t able to get any of that back. Not a freaking penny.”

“I intend to pay your father back, Jade.”

“Great. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.” I tapped my bare foot. “Did you really come all this way just to tell me that?”

His cheeks reddened. “No. I…I came to tell you that…I think I made the biggest mistake of my life.”

He could not be serious. “Yeah? And what might that be?”

“Letting you go.”

I shook my head, laughing. “This is rich.”

“I’m serious, Jade. I still love you. I never stopped loving you.”

“Then why in the hell didn’t you want to marry me?”

“I got scared.”

“Scared. Okay. And you think I wasn’t scared? Binding yourself to another person is pretty scary thing, Colin. But we had seven years under our belts.”

“Yeah, I know. You were my first and only serious girlfriend. I just started wondering if…”

“If what? If something better was out there?”

He bit his lip.

That fucking bastard.

“Well, here’s news, Colin. We are over. You blew it.”

“Come on, Jade. We should be back from our honeymoon by now, settling in together. Both of us starting our careers at Dad’s Denver satellite.”

“Yeah, we should. But you know what? I’m here, hanging out with Marj and her brothers, and I’m having a great time. I’m really glad to be here. My bar results are due any day now, and in the meantime, I’m working for one of Marj’s brothers at the winery. I’m learning lots of stuff that I’m becoming passionate about. All in all, I’m glad we didn’t get married. I think it really would’ve been a mistake. So I should thank you.”

His lips trembled. “Please don’t say that.”

“Why not? You embarrassed and humiliated me in front of all of our family and friends, Colin. At the time, I didn’t think I could ever forgive you for that. But I can now, because I think it was the right thing in the long run.”

“Jade—”

“I don’t want to hear it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have lots to do today.” I took his arm and started walking him out the door.

He turned and grabbed me, pulled me into him, and pressed his lips to mine.

I gasped, and he slid his tongue into my mouth. Everything about this kiss felt wrong. I tried pushing him away, but his strength defeated mine.

“What the fuck is going on here?”

The voice came out of nowhere. Heavy footfalls. Toward us. Powerful arms wrenched me away from Colin’s grasp.

Talon stood, glaring, his eyes afire. “Who the hell are you?”

Colin stumbled backward. “It’s okay. I’m her fiancé.”

“Her
what?
” Talon said through clenched teeth.

“Talon, it’s all right,” I said, wiping Colin’s taste from my lips. “He was just leaving.”

“You
never
touch her again.”

Colin stood his ground. He wasn’t as tall as Talon, but he was buff, a great athlete. “Or what?”

In an instant, Talon jammed his fist into Colin’s cheek. Caught off guard, Colin fell against the wall. Talon grabbed him by the neck and punched him again, this one landing square on Colin’s nose. Blood oozed from his nostrils, while Talon gripped his shoulders and threw him to the floor, kicking his stomach. Colin groaned, covering his nose.

“Talon,” I yelled. “Talon, stop! Please!”

He kept kicking Colin, who lay on the floor doubled over.

I grabbed Talon around the waist, my heart thundering. “Please! You’re really going to hurt him.”

No change.

“Please! For me!”

Talon froze mid-kick. His facial features went blank, and he backed away.

I bent to Colin. “Are you okay?”

He nodded. “I’ll be fine, I think,” he choked out. “I’ve taken worse on the football field.”

“I’ll show you worse.”

I looked up. Talon’s dark eyes were glazed, ferocious.

“Oh, no, you don’t, Talon. Don’t just stand there. Go get him an ice pack for his nose.”

Talon hesitated for a minute but then walked to the kitchen. A few seconds later, he came back with a plastic bag filled with ice. I held it to Colin’s nose.

“Does he need an ambulance?” Talon asked.

Colin coughed. “Of course I don’t need a damned ambulance, you Neanderthal. I can take as much as you can dish out.”

“Oh, yeah?” Talon’s eyes lit with fire again.

“You two stop this right now.” I stood and faced Talon, my hands on my hips. “You owe Colin an apology.”

“The hell I do.”

“I don’t need a goddamned apology from him.” Colin stood, holding the ice bag to his nose. “I’m staying at the Hotel Coronado in Grand Junction. I want to take you to dinner tonight.”

“Over my dead body,” Talon said.

“Talon, I will decide who I have dinner with, got it?” I helped Colin up and over to a chair in the living room. “You sure you don’t want me to call someone?”

He shook his head. “Just give me a few minutes to collect myself. I’ll be fine. I’ve been in worse shape than this.”

Back in the foyer, Talon seethed. I looked away from him. What I had just witnessed disgusted me…and unnerved me. I did not want to see him right now.

After about fifteen minutes, I walked with Colin to his car. “Text me when you get Grand Junction safely.”

He nodded. “I still hope you’ll meet me for dinner tonight.”

I shook my head. “No, Colin. That’s not going to happen. I’m sorry.”

He drove away.

I walked back into the house. Talon was in the kitchen, sitting at the table with that goddamned glass of water again. He looked up at me when I walked in.

“What the hell was that all about?” I said.

“He was kissing you.”

“Why is it any of your business who I kiss?”

“Well…he walked out on your wedding, so he shouldn’t be—”

I clenched my hands into fists. “For God’s sake, Talon, do you have feelings for me or not? How did it make you feel to see him kissing me?”

“I don’t know…”

“You don’t know? You nearly beat him to death. I can’t believe you got so violent.”

“I…don’t know why either.”

“Were you jealous?”

“Of course not.”

“Just as well”—anger boiled within me—“because whatever this little thing was between us, it’s over. I mean really over. I don’t want anything to do with you. I’m going to talk to Marj about moving out.”

“Marj is out at the orchard. And she wants you here.”

“Either I’m leaving or you are, and I don’t think you are.”

“But what about…?”

“What about what? We shared a few kisses, a few romps in bed. It was beyond great. But you are so screwed up that I can’t get through to you. I just witnessed you nearly beat the life out of a man. Frankly, Talon, you scare me.”

I walked back to my bedroom. Leaving was my only alternative. There was no getting around it. Something lived inside Talon, something poisonous, something I might never understand, and as long as he kept himself closed off from me and everyone else, I couldn’t risk being around him.

I refused to lose my heart to someone who was incapable of giving me his.