Craving (14 page)

“I don’t know.” She took a deep breath, then another. “Maybe.” She lifted her head. Her brown eyes were huge in the dim light. “I keep dreaming about Gabe,” she whispered. “He says he won’t let me go. And he’s coming back for me.”

6.7 Katherine

I curled into a tight ball and huddled deeper into the armchair while trying to blot my hair dry on a tiny hand towel, the only one I could find. Breaking in here was bad enough, and I didn’t want to compound things by rummaging through the boxes and cartons that littered the floors. I’d already dripped blood down the hallway, though I think I managed to clean it all up. I tightened the wad of kitchen roll around my hand and winced. It felt as though I still had a shard of glass in there. Meanwhile, Josh’s blood-spattered and rain-saturated hoodie dripped into the kitchen sink as a visual reminder of the disgusting weather tonight.

Walking here had completely sapped my energy. Striding down my father’s endless driveway, I’d been surging with a rush of adrenaline. Now I shivered and trembled as I tried to figure out where I went from here. True to his word, my father had taken my phone and purse. I had nothing on me. Somehow, I had to get a message to Dante. And then I needed to figure out how to get back down to Cornwall, to claim sanctuary with my Godparents.

Questions and fears assaulted me on all sides. What would happen to my degree course? To the other students? I’d need to find a job. Somewhere to live. I wasn’t ready for this yet. It was too much to think about right now.

My heart sank even further when I heard a car engine outside. I should have guessed Suki would have an alarm system. I braced myself for her anger and went to the front door, to find myself facing three stern looking security guards. Please God, please let me pull this off.

The biggest of the three man-mountains gazed at me, his face bland. “You’re not Mrs. Bridgewater. So perhaps you could explain who you are and what you’re doing in her house?”

I conjured up a polite smile and shoved my hands into my pockets, in an attempt to hide how much they were shaking. “I’m sorry to trouble you, gentlemen. Suki told me I could stay here tonight, but didn’t tell me the code for the alarm. If you have a phone, I’ll call her to explain.”

“And you are…?” He left the question hanging.

“Katherine Fitzwarren. She
is
expecting me.”

Two of the guards dispersed, presumably to check through the house. My guy gestured to the bottom of the stairs. “You may as well sit down and wait. Mrs. Bridgewater is on her way.”

I nodded and sat where he indicated, trying very hard to look supremely confident. I think I failed. It’s a difficult trick to pull off when you’re sopping wet and shivering, to say nothing of the blood oozing out of my hand. He said nothing more to me, just barked a few commands into his walkie-talkie and then held a muttered conversation on his phone. I thought again of Dante as I waited. Hoped he wasn’t outside in this awful weather.

I kicked myself as I waited for Suki. Had I really thought I could break in here without her knowing?
Jesus
. In a competition for shit days, this one took the gold medal. If Suki threw me out—as she had every right to do—I had nowhere else to go. Panic assaulted me, bringing a surge of nausea with it. Oh no, I wasn’t going to throw up, on top of everything else.

An eternity passed. The security guards convened and muttered together while casting serious looks in my direction. What if Suki called the police?

My nerves were frayed so far I thought I’d scream when Suki arrived with Josh in tow. She walked into the house in a flurry of hail, shaking droplets from her hair as she greeted the security team, then turned to stare at me. I wanted to melt into the staircase under her fierce scrutiny. This was such a bad idea. I tried to breathe as my stomach threatened to empty itself over the floor. For God’s sake, say something!

She nodded to Josh with some unspoken message. He gestured toward the lounge, and I followed, my heart sinking with each step. With his smile gone and his brows knitted together, Pissed Off Josh was a different beast altogether. What the hell was the protocol here? I felt beyond awkward.

“Sit down.”

I complied.

He yawned as I stared at him, then scrubbed his hands across his face. “It’s half past two, Katherine. I have to ask, what the hell are you doing here?”

I dug my nails into my bleeding palm as he spoke. The rocket of pain helped me to focus and I managed to keep my voice steady. “I need to get a message to Dante.” Josh’s eyebrows disappeared into his floppy hair, but I carried on, my voice rising in case he interrupted. “I’m sorry—
really
. I was hoping you’d come here tomorrow. I’ve got Dante in trouble, and I need to warn him.” Despite my best efforts, my voice cracked on his name. “I
can’t
… I don’t have my phone anymore. But you have his number.”

He stared hard at me for a long moment. “What kind of trouble? And why didn’t you just wait until morning?”

I sharpened my voice. “It’s a long story, but please believe me, coming here like this was a last resort. I’m sorry for dragging you out of bed.”

There were sounds of people leaving and then Suki joined us, stepping up to me and placing a hand on my arm. “The security team thought you’d hurt yourself. They found a lot of blood on the window frame, are you okay?”

I nodded. It was becoming more difficult to hold myself together. I had to convince them to contact Dante—and after that I had no idea. The prospect of trudging back out into the night made me shudder. I just couldn’t face it. And where would I go? Panic welled in my chest, and I struggled to hold it down. Josh narrowed his eyes at me, his fingers playing with the phone in his hand.

Suki broke the silence. “Josh can ring Dante for you, but Katherine, I think you owe it to me to explain what’s going on. You broke into my house, for Chrissake.”

Licking my dry lips, I spoke as firmly as I could. “Tell him that my father has accused him of stealing some war medals, and he’s called the police. He saw the plates on Dante’s bike, so he can track him that way.” Forgetting about the bloodstained paper wrapped around my hand, I raked my fingers through my hair, dragging back the wet tresses from my face. Meeting Josh’s startled eyes, I pleaded with him, my voice almost a whisper.

“Please tell him I’m sorry, so very sorry.”

6.8 Dante

I jerked awake, my eyelids heavy and every muscle complaining at the movement.
Jesus
. I felt as though I’d gone ten rounds with a bull elephant last night, instead of… An image of red blasted through my memory. A half-remembered dream of blood. Poker—I’d been playing cards with Nan’s friends. I closed my eyes again and scrubbed my hands over my face as I struggled to remember the outcome of the game. Did I win? Did I make enough? I had to go and see Gran today—I was out of time to make any more. I remembered the first guy folding, recalled a headache… after that, there was only blackness. In my head I saw a flash of metal, blood gushing.
I’d been standing in blood
. A sudden wave of nausea had me jackknifing upright, my stomach complaining in a violent ripple of pain. I sucked in a deep breath as I took in my surroundings. The unfamiliar—
feminine—
bedroom. An orange glow from the streetlamps filtered through lace trimmed curtains. And Nan, sleeping curled into my side.

What the fuck?

I had to get out of here. I was bollock naked, but if Nan and I had fucked, why couldn’t I remember it? My hands shook as I gathered my clothes together. I didn’t have masses to drink last night—I never did when I played for money. Ten minutes later I crept down the stairs and found my leather hanging up by the door. Well that was one question answered—I must have won last night. The roll of notes had doubled in size, although it was odd I’d left my jacket down here with so much cash in it. My keys were there too.

The only thing missing was my butterfly knife.

K
atherine fiddled with the mug of cocoa, her shoulders slumped and face downcast. I should be able to read her emotions, but she was blocked off to me somehow. Maybe I was just tired? Suki kept flicking me concerned glances, and I shrugged in return. I’d cleaned up the ragged tears on Katherine’s hand, extracted some slivers of glass, and then neatly bandaged it while Suki made drinks.

I didn’t expect Dante to answer my call. I left a voice message and sent a text, then sat back and stared at Katherine. Dante thought she was playing him… I wasn’t convinced.

I leaned back in my chair and rubbed my eyes while I stifled a yawn. “Do you have a car here somewhere? I didn’t see one outside.”

Her eyes met mine. A hint of a challenge flashed back at me. “I walked here.”

She walked here
? It must be at least three miles to her father’s place. I kept my voice smooth, as though this was perfectly ordinary. “You can crash on the sofa for a few hours if you like. Then if you’re not in a hurry tomorrow, we can give you a lift home. We’ll be in and out most of the day while the movers get loaded up.”

“It’s no trouble, I’m fine walking.” A polite—
fake—
smile. “Thanks anyway.”

I gazed at her, perplexed. She was lying through her teeth and probably too proud to accept any help. I decided to try a different tack.

“I know what happened to Dwight.”

Whatever she’d been doing earlier to block off her emotions just shattered. I recoiled from her wave of horror followed by fury. Two spots of red appeared on her cheeks while her mouth tightened to a thin line and hands fisted on the table. “How. Dare. You.” She hissed at me, her entire body trembling. “What gives
you
the right to go snooping around? I helped you contact Dante and you repay me by… by…” she hesitated. “By digging up ancient history. It’s none of your damned business.”

The words poured out of her, fast and shocked, rising in pitch.
Well done, Josh
.

She scrambled out of the chair and backed up, moving toward the door. Her eyes flicked to Suki, standing there horrified, then locked back onto me. “Suki’s husband died a few weeks ago and you’re way more cozy than you should be together, but you don’t see me poking my nose into your affair. Because it’s None. Of. My. Business. Get it?” Her voice cracked completely at this point. One hand covered her mouth, eyes wide and shocked, chest heaving.

“Katherine, I’m sorry. You’re right, it’s nothing to do with me.” I stood slowly and held out my hand. “Please, come and sit down. I’m a complete asshole at times, Suki will vouch for that. But the last thing I wanted to do was upset you.” She didn’t move, beyond swaying a little, and I took heart, inching closer. “Katherine.” I risked a tentative smile. “You said that Dante’s in trouble, but maybe you are too. And maybe we can help. Will you let us try?”

Inspiration hit. I shoved a hand into my pocket and drew out Dante’s Talisman then held it out to show Katherine. “He asked me to look after this and said he’d come back for it. He trusts me to look after his Talisman. Doesn’t that tell you something?”

7.2 Katherine

I couldn’t take my eyes off the leather bracelet dangling from Josh’s fingers. “How do I know you haven’t stolen it?” I wrapped my arms tight around my body. “From the minute you first heard about his Talisman, you’ve wanted it.” He opened his mouth to reply but another thought slammed into my head, and I carried on. “And just when did this happen exactly? It sure as hell wasn’t in the café. He couldn’t wait to get away from you.”

Josh’s lips drew together in a tight line. Blowing out a noisy breath, he re-took his seat at the table. “He rang me and wanted to meet. He showed me where your mother died and told me about Dwight.” He paused, his face neutral, eyes wary. “And then he said he was late for something and gave me his Talisman.” He sat back and shrugged, glancing up as Suki approached.

I closed my eyes and tried to swallow down my humiliation. I couldn’t do this any more. Finding my feet, I dragged back my hair and walked up to the couple. “It’s fine, really, I’m leaving. Just please tell Dante.” I gulped down the tears that lurked. “Tell him I’m sorry, okay.”

Josh opened his mouth but Suki interrupted. “Katherine, you don’t need to go. We may as well all stay here.” She paused as though thinking. “The movers will be here in just a few hours. And I don’t know about you two, but I could do with a real drink.”

I accepted a glass of Calvados and sniffed it cautiously. I’d heard of the famous apple brandy but never tried it before. We’d settled on a cluster of sofas, with Suki nestled in Josh’s arms, and I tried not to watch their obvious affection for each other. The casual hand she rested on his thigh. The gentleness of his fingers as he stroked the back of her neck. They behaved more like a couple that had been together for years.
None of my business
, I reminded myself, taking another sip of the brandy. Its warmth spread through my veins, exhaustion followed in its wake.

When I opened my eyes, the room was lighter. A gray and miserable dawn. It suited my mood perfectly. I stretched my arms, realizing belatedly that someone had covered me with a duvet and slipped a pillow under my head. Suki slept on the opposite sofa, her blonde hair sticking out at wild angles. There was no sign of Josh.

Despair hit me as I remembered the night before.
God
. In the cold light of day, everything looked a million times worse, and I whimpered softly as I tugged the duvet higher. I played a game in my head, one I’d not played since childhood. If I could turn the clock back, how far would I go? To the argument with my father? Taking Dante home? Walking out of the party? Or further still. The séances. If I’d not invited Dante back to Ellie’s… I might be back at home now with my future still mapped out for me.
No
. That future had
never
been my choice. Feeling stronger, I pushed back the covers and went in search of Josh.

I found him making toast and coffee. He gestured to the kitchen table, and I sat, accepting the breakfast with a tiny smile. “Thank you. I don’t suppose…” My words trailed away as he shook his head.

“Nope. No reply yet. But to be fair, he’s never returned a single call of mine.” He poured me a mug of fragrant coffee. “Suki still asleep?”

I nodded and wrapped my fingers around the mug. “Thank you. For last night. You were very generous again.”

He sighed and joined me at the table, raking both hands through his hair. “Thing is, Katherine—
Katie—
I know what it’s like. To completely remake your life. I’ve done it myself.”

I froze.

He quirked his eyebrows and offered me a rueful grin. It made him look charming and a little vulnerable. “You see, I’ve been in your shoes. I hated my childhood. The first opportunity I had, I escaped. I changed my name, invented a whole new person and pretended the first one had never existed. And sometimes the past catches up with me, but most of the time it’s like you said—ancient history.”

To my utter shame, tears were threatening to emerge. There’s no way I’d humiliate myself here.

“You couldn’t be more wrong,” I whispered, my voice disappearing. “I hate what I am now. My childhood was the only time I felt happy.”

7.3 Dante

The two hour bike ride along familiar roads soothed me to an extent. By the time I left the motorway and the early morning traffic, I’d accepted that the dream of blood, while gory and realistic, was just that. Like with the freaky black-winged angel, it was nothing more than a bad dream. My knife had gone missing, and this was my subconscious warning me. I felt a stab of pride at being so rational. Kitten would admire my logical thought processes, especially since she was a psychologist.

And as for the massive chunk of memory that had gone AWOL? I’d never been without my Talisman before. Who knew how that might affect me. My wrist itched beneath my glove. The sooner I had it back, the better.

I’d been lucky with the weather. It’d stayed dry all the way to York, and the sun now edged out from behind the clouds. I could take Gran for a walk in the grounds.

She waited eagerly in her room for me, practically bouncing from one foot to the other as she watched me walk up the path. I couldn’t help smiling at the sheer pleasure on her face. My darling Gran, the woman who brought me up and devoted her life to me.

“Dante!” She hurled herself into my arms. “There are new puppies. The nurse says I can take you to see them. Can we go now?”

Gran needed constant attention, and this private institution was the closest thing to a real home. It didn’t look or smell like a hospital, and it could be mistaken for a posh old house. The staff wore dark uniforms with discreet name badges and treated her like a valued guest. It took every penny I could get my hands on, but even after busting a gut to raise each payment, I couldn’t resent her. Her dark blue eyes were impish as she dragged me by the hand to a cluster of outbuildings.

“Puppies. Look!” She pointed at the squirming mass of fur. It looked like a recent litter. “Can I have one, Dante, please? Pleeeease?”

I hugged her, my heart shredding some more. “Maybe, Gran. We’ll see.”

She bent down and scooped one into her arms. The damp, black nose snuffled her chin making her giggle. “This is the one I want. I’m going to call him Ernest, just like you.”

I rolled my eyes and stepped back to lean against the wall. Shoving my hands deep inside my pockets, I couldn’t help smiling at her happiness. “I hated being called Ernest. Why’d you think I changed my name?”

She huffed at me and dropped a kiss on the pup’s nose. “Ernest Rutherford. That’s where they found you.”

My fingers moved to stroke my Talisman, finding bare skin instead. I’d go and find Josh when I’d finished with today’s business. Hang on… “What did you say?”

“Ernest Rutherford,” she repeated in a sing-song voice.

“No, about finding me? I don’t remember getting lost.” The pup wriggled and Gran placed him gently back on the ground, watching intently as he stumbled back to the rest of his litter. “Gran?”

Bird bright eyes regarded me. “The day Belinda died. They found you in the toilets of the Ernest Rutherford ward.” She giggled at my baffled expression. “At the hospital, silly.”

It felt as though the ground shifted beneath my feet. I sank to a crouch as my knees threatened to give way. Disbelief laced my voice. “Are you saying Belinda
wasn’t
my mum?”

The dismay on her face would have been comical in any other situation. Her mouth drew into an O as she started jiggling on the spot, her feet scuffing the floor. “Oops, I wasn’t supposed to tell you.”

“Gran…” I didn’t know what to say. Like a bomb dropping from a clear blue sky, the landscape of my life had just been shattered and I struggled to find any words.

“Can you tell the nurse I’ll have a puppy? I’ll look after it.” Her lucid flash was over, and I wouldn’t get any more sense from her today. She chattered to the puppies and grumbled about having cornflakes for breakfast while I replayed her words in my head. Belinda wasn’t my mother. I’d been found in the hospital. Had I been adopted? Gran had never even hinted.

So who
was
I?

* * * *

I left Gran with a cheerful wave as I set off, back toward Manchester and this month’s bill to be settled. It was only when I’d almost run into a bus that I acknowledged maybe I needed to sit down for a while. My concentration was less than perfect. It didn’t help that the spirits were gathering around me in ever increasing numbers. At any time I’d count at least four shimmering forms trailing behind me.

The nearest café was fine. I hunched over a large milky coffee and drew threads in the froth with my spoon while my mind spun and danced out of control. I’d always known I was unlovable. Did it stem from being abandoned in a public toilet? And who’d given me the Talisman? Belinda, or my real mother? Or was that just another piece of fiction, like the whole of my life.

The longing for Kitten intensified. She soothed me in a way I couldn’t understand. I closed my eyes and conjured her up in my mind: the feel of her skin beneath my fingertips; the sensation of burying my nose in her hair; the moment when I slid her bra straps down her arms; the little sounds she made as I teased her nipple with my mouth; her kiss and the sweet promise of things to come. My hand fisted on the table.
Kitten
. I forced myself to remember her betrayal and ached for her all over again.

I’d sort out the business in Manchester, find Josh and take back my Talisman, and then start putting myself back together, one piece at a time.

7.4 Dante

The man known as the Jeweler greeted me with a knowing smirk as I handed over the bulk of the roll of notes, keeping back twenty quid for fuel and food. As usual, he dressed in a pinstriped suit more akin to a banking executive, than a mafia grunt. The white shirt was crisp, the gold striped tie immaculate. This was the squeaky-clean front face of a massive underworld empire, run by a shadowy man known as Alistair. Few claimed to have ever seen him. My single encounter with him was enough.