Crave (12 page)

“Um, did Mom mention that I'm doing two routines tonight?”

I thought he would be surprised. Instead, he nodded.

He knew I had another routine to perform…and was still leaving?

I forgot about the wet cement and took a step forward.
“Well, the second routine is a jazz number. So if you don't like ballet, you don't have to worry about it because all the ballet routines are done now.”

“I enjoy ballet, Savannah. But I must leave now.”

“You've got somewhere else you have to be? Right now?”

“No. But I watched your ballet routine and have seen enough. Probably too much, in fact.”

“I…” What could I say to that? I played with the stiff, scratchy folds of my romantic-style tutu. “Was my dancing that bad?”

“No. Your dancing was beautiful.”

My head popped up in confusion.

He sighed. “That is the problem. Your performance was too good. You should not be able to dance even half so well for a beginner. How long do you think you will be able to outshine the others in your classes before someone begins to ask questions?”

“So…you're saying you'd rather I danced like crap instead?”

“No, I am saying you need to stop performing. Completely. As you continue to change physically, you are sure to improve at everything you do. Eventually, you will dance better than even the professionals. And then the inevitable questions will begin. People will want to know how you can leap so high, turn so fast, balance so well. They will see you for what you are…as something different. Something not quite human.”

A freak.

My heart hammered faster, and I found myself shaking my head without even deciding to. “No.” He had to be wrong. No way could my one happiness in life make me an even bigger freak. “I…I can control it. You know, not push myself so hard. I mean, I only did so well tonight because I wanted to impress you and Mom and Nanna. To make you proud of me and show how much I've improved.”

“If you really want to make me proud, you will stop dancing. Immediately.”

He might as well have slapped me. I struggled to breathe for a second as I tried to imagine never dancing again. And couldn't. “But dancing is a really big deal to me, Dad. It's the only thing I've ever been good at.”

“I am sorry. But if you do not stop dancing, your actions could risk the exposure of our world.” He glanced around as if to point out the potential for eavesdroppers. Like anyone else would be dumb enough to hang out in a downpour in East Texas during tornado season just to listen to us. “And if you risk exposing our world, the council will have no choice but to step in and stop you.”

I bit my lip. Everything seemed to be about the big bad vampire council. What the council wanted. What the council demanded. What about what
I
wanted for a change? Whose side was he on anyways? “Can't you just tell them that I'll be careful? I can learn to blend in, honest. Just give me time to practice at it.”

“It is too high a risk. You have no idea what the council is capable of. The only safe course is for you to never dance again. Ever.”

“Mom wasn't worried about my dancing. Aren't you just being…overly cautious?”

“I am doing what your mother should have done…protect you. You should never have begun dance lessons in the first place. I warned your mother that this would happen, but she was as headstrong as ever.” He took a step closer to me and held out his hands palms up. “Please, Savannah. Do as I ask and do not persist in this.”

Or what, his oh-so-important council might be even more unhappy with him? What was with him and this stupid coun
cil? Couldn't he care about his own daughter's needs for a change?

And yet…he was practically begging me. And despite it all…the fact that he hadn't bothered to come to a single game of mine last year, despite every Father's Day event he'd missed when I was a kid and how little I saw him every year…despite how much I loved to dance and the chance it gave me to finally fit in at school, I was tempted. Out of sheer habit from years of trying to make him happy, I was tempted to give up on my dreams, to throw away everything I wanted, just because he wanted me to. He was my father, vampire or not, and I loved him. Even though it made no sense to. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to finally make him proud of me. All I had to do was give up the only thing I'd ever been good at. The only thing I'd ever wanted to do.

But if I stopped dancing, what would I be? What would I have? It was my one chance to fit in somewhere. He had no idea what my life at school was really like, or how becoming a Charmer could change it. He didn't understand what he was asking me to turn away from.

No. I couldn't do it. Not even for him.

“Dancing is all I have, Dad. I'm sorry if that doesn't matter to you or your council. But Mom and Nanna know the risks, and they were still okay with my dancing this year. So as long as they stay okay with it…I'm going to keep dancing.”

His face hardened, making him look like a cold statue in the rain. “I am very sorry to hear that.”

And there it was, all that I had worked so hard for years to end. His disappointment in me.

Almost too tired to reply, I turned to go inside. “I'm sorry, too.” Sorry I couldn't be the kind of daughter he wanted me to be. Sorry I'd cost him so much. Maybe he and Mom shouldn't have decided to have me, after all.

I opened the theater door, but something made me stop and look back at him over my shoulder. Finally I could see a hint of emotion in his eyes. But it was nothing I wanted to see. He looked…worried. And that made my chest ache even worse.

“You don't have to worry, Dad. I promise I'll work hard to blend in. I won't expose your world.”

“I believe you will try. Let us hope the council has equal faith that you will succeed.” Then he turned and walked away.

 

My ballet shoes were ruined. I stared at them in the backseat of Nanna's car on the way home.

Dad's words kept echoing inside my head. With every echo, I heard his stinging emphasis on the word
try.
He knew I would try to blend in…but he obviously didn't think I could succeed.

I gritted my teeth and took out my anger on my soaked shoes, my hands crushing them around their middles.

Why should I care what Dad thought? I hardly saw him; we were practically strangers to each other. It was just like with Tristan, this stupid need to care about someone who barely even knew I existed. Both of them had hurt me countless times. Why couldn't I just cut them out of my mind and heart so they couldn't hurt me anymore? Was I some sort of masochist who needed to make myself miserable?

“Hon, what exactly did your father say?” Mom asked from the front passenger seat, her voice gentle even as her words poked at me. I wanted to forget everything he'd said.

“Well, according to him I have a new problem. I used to be terrible at everything. Now he says I'm too good. He wants me to stop dancing, and says if I keep dancing I'll end up exposing the entire vampire world. Or something stupid like that.”

Mom's face creased with worry under the flickering light of the streetlamps we passed. She turned to look at Nanna behind the wheel.

“Savannah, maybe…” Nanna began as she guided the car around a corner.

“Yes, maybe you should listen to your father this time,” Mom finished.

I stared at Mom. “You've got to be kidding.”

“Well, how often has he asked you to do anything?” Mom said.

“Because he knows he has no right to!” The words exploded out of me. But I wouldn't take them back, because it was the truth. Just because my father had helped create me didn't make him a real dad. He had never been there for me when I needed him. What gave him the right to tell me what to do now? And not even for
my
own good. He was only worried his precious council would get mad at him.

“He's just worried about you,” Mom insisted.

“Oh, come on! You know that's a load of bull. He's just trying to make his council happy. Bunch of paranoid dictators. Did
you
think that my dancing was too good tonight? That people would look at my dancing and know I was a freak?”

“Stop using that word!” Mom snapped.

I was too mad and desperate to care. I just stared at her and waited for her to answer me.

She sighed. “No, I don't think your dancing is a problem. At least, not yet.”

“And that's with me trying to impress everyone,” I added. “I know I can learn to blend in with a little practice. Until tonight, I didn't even know I needed to worry about that.”

“Hon, you really don't want to upset the vampire council. They aren't the nicest of vampires.” Mom's hands twisted together in her lap.

I rolled my eyes. “But they don't rule the world, do they? I mean, who are they to say whether I can dance or not? If you two say it's all right, shouldn't that be what matters? You could watch me practice at home and tell me when to…to tone it down, or whatever.”

Mom looked at Nanna.

Nanna gave a sharp nod. “Savannah's right. They shouldn't get to tell us what to do.”

“Mother…” Mom whispered, her eyes widening. My heart beat sped up with hope.

“It'll be all right, Joan.” Nanna's eyes narrowed as she stared at the road. Her gnarled hands gripped the steering wheel harder. “Remember who we are, the strong line of women you've both descended from. If Savannah wants to dance, I say she ought to do just that. We've gotta give her a chance to learn how to control herself through all these changes. And have faith in her that she can. Michael's people can just butt out of things and mind their own darn business.”

Smiling through fresh tears of a different kind now, I took one last risk. “So, if I wanted to try out for the high-school dance team in three weeks…?”

I stared at them and waited, my heart hammering at the base of my throat.

Mom sighed. “Then I guess you'd better bring me the permission form to sign. And start practicing in the backyard for your Nanna and me.”

Letting out a short whoop of victory, I reached through the front seats and hugged Mom, then squeezed Nanna's shoulder in thanks. So what if my crappy excuse for a father and his council didn't approve? The two women who had raised me, my
real
family, who had always been there for me, supported me now. And that was all I needed. Once I became a
Charmer, I would show him, all the rest of those controlling vamps and everyone else in Jacksonville that I could fit in just fine.

Savannah

Seventy girls all spraying their hair at once made one heck of a smell.

All of the freshmen dancers had been packed into the third floor of Jacksonville High's sports and art building. The twenty-seven Charmer veterans had been given much more room to spread out downstairs in the theater. They also had less distance to walk, since the theater shared a large foyer with the main gym.

Where a panel of judges awaited to determine all our fates.

I was in the second-to-last group, made up of myself and three dancers from various other pre-drill classes. Just my luck to audition during the year they'd decided to order everyone alphabetically in reverse, which they claimed they did every other year to make things more fair. I would have to wait for hours before I'd get to perform before the judges.

The auditions began at 8:00 a.m. The Charmers Head Manager, a junior named Amber, took turns with Captain Kristi in leading the audition groups to and from the gym.
Each time one of them reappeared at the hallway entrance, everyone else jumped. One look at the expressions of excitement and worry around me, and I knew all the freshmen must be wondering the same things:
Is it my group's turn this time? How did the others do? Will I be good enough to make the team?

Except me. I was only worried about two things…not forgetting the routines, and not looking like some sort of gravity-defying alien.

Finally Head Manager Amber came for my group. I added a quick smear of petroleum jelly over my front teeth as Captain Kristi had recommended in class last week. The hideous, chemical-flavored stuff was supposed to help us smile easier even if our mouths went dry from nerves. Then I followed the head manager and my group down the stairs.

My legs were shaking so much I stumbled and had to use the metal handrail to keep from falling. Until that point, the chant in my head had been,
Please don't let me forget the routine or look like a freak.
After the stumble, the chant changed to,
Please don't let me fall down during my audition.
I knew it could happen. One of the other candidates had slipped during her audition and, upon her return upstairs, had disappeared straight into the bathroom. It had taken a small battalion of the girl's friends to coax the crying dancer to leave an hour later.

Could have been worse for her, though. She could've brought a ceiling tile down on everyone's heads instead. With an audience.

My audition group was allowed two minutes to stretch and warm up in the foyer. But I'd been stretching and practicing for hours now. At this point, all I wanted was to get in there and get the audition over with.

I felt the hairs at the back of my neck prickle, as if someone was watching me. Maybe one of the veterans was peeking out the theater doors? Everyone else in the foyer was visible in
front of me and looking elsewhere. I ignored the sensation. No way would I let some curious veteran psyche me out today.

The gym doors squeaked open, and Captain Kristi poked in her head with a bright smile. “Ready, girls?”

We all nodded and lined up, hands on our hips like we'd been taught for our entrance walk. My heart pounded even harder than it had three weeks ago at the dance recital.

We took our positions in the center of the cavernous gym and waited for Captain Kristi to start the music on the sound system. While we waited, I had a chance to study the judges seated several yards away at a folding table. There were five of them…two women, two men and Mrs. Daniels, the Charmers director. I recognized the director from all the times I'd seen her at her desk in the Charmers office outside the dance room this year. None of the judges smiled as they held their pens ready over their papers. Probably too tired by now to smile back. I avoided direct eye contact with them out of habit.

The music began. We started with the jazz routine, and just like at the recital, the adrenaline rush made it all feel like a dream. I was outside myself, watching my body fly and twist. I was pretty sure I wasn't doing freakishly well, but it was hard to tell. I'd been practicing modifying all my moves according to the veteran Charmers standards, not the awkward freshmen I'd been grouped with for today.

The song ended, and we dancers hit our basic standing pose while the judges scratched out notes on our score sheets. In the silence, I could hear the others in my group panting for air. That's when temptation kicked in.

Two of the judges were male. I could try to gaze daze them and affect how they scored my performance.

But it wouldn't really be my dancing they would be scoring then, would it?

Then again, hadn't Captain Kristi told us in pre-drill class to be sure to make eye contact with our audience?

“Left splits, please,” Captain Kristi ordered.

My body followed her directions even while my mind continued its quiet debate.

I couldn't look them in the eye. It would be wrong. It was wrong to even consider it. My changed gaze was not some tool to use to get ahead of the other dancers. It was a curse, something weird and wrong that had to be controlled and hidden.

“And your right splits, please.”

I stood up then slid down into my right splits, landing flush with the floor and pointing my toes as Captain Kristi had taught us.

I hadn't been nearly this flexible before the change, either. Wasn't I already sort of cheating? And what would one quick little glance into their eyes really hurt? No one would find out about it.

I gritted my teeth against the temptation. No. I would either make the team fairly like a normal dancer, or not at all.

I saw movement at my left. I'd almost missed the cue to perform my center splits. Oh, crud. I had to focus.

Maybe I didn't want to be a Charmer badly enough, after all. If I did, wouldn't I be willing to do anything it took to make the team?

I stood up with my group and waited for the kick routine's music to begin, my heart pounding for a new reason now.

I did want to be a Charmer. More than anything else in the world. I'd practiced countless hours twice a day every day for this moment, for this chance to prove I belonged on the team. I'd even argued with my father for the right to keep dancing, something I never would have done before this year. I
had
to make the team. Otherwise I would forever be the school
freak, an outcast who would never fit in anywhere. Heck, I didn't even fit in with my volleyball-obsessed friends!

But if making the dance team meant I had to cheat…

Too soon, before I could decide what to do, the last routine ended. We hit our basic standing pose once more, and I knew this was it. Last chance to sway two of the judges. Just one quick meeting of the eyes with two guys I'd never see again. The effects would only last a day, just like with the algebra boys, just long enough to convince them to give me a better score and help me make the team.

At least, I hoped so.

My gaze slid over the table toward the male judges. They were even sitting beside each other. It was too perfect, too easy. My gaze found their hands, the space separating their bodies, flicked over to the one on the left, slid up his shoulder to his chin…

And then over their heads to the bleachers behind them.

I couldn't do it. What if the gaze daze wouldn't be temporary this time? Both wore wedding rings. If the effect lasted longer than a few hours, could it mess with their families? Their marriages? I hadn't dared meet any male's gaze since that one disastrous mistake last month. Even when I'd wanted to look Tristan in the eye, wrong as that had been. I had no idea if it had gotten stronger with time. All I knew was that my gaze still made my friends look away after a few seconds. And I didn't want to have to cheat in order to be a Charmer.

I'd just have to hope my dancing had been good enough without it.

“Okay, ladies, thank you,” Captain Kristi said. “You may exit through the doors now.”

It was over.

The line turned, and now I was the one leading the way out of the gym. My chance to sway the judges was gone. Dazed,
I left the gym, heard the metal door slam shut after the last group member exited, and then silence.

Wrapped in invisible cotton, I shuffled back upstairs, deaf to all sound.

I slumped down beside my duffel bag. I'd had the perfect opportunity, a real advantage today. Had I thrown it away in some naive attempt to do the right thing?

An hour later, Head Manager Amber dismissed everyone, reminding us to be back at the gym that evening for the new team announcement, and to wear blue jeans and a plain white T-shirt with our audition numbers pinned to our chests.

Lost in thoughts and doubts on my way out, I wasn't paying attention in the foyer and stumbled into someone. Ice-cold hands on my bare arms both shocked and steadied me as I mumbled an apology and looked up at the man I'd run into. He was a stranger, dressed in a tailored, dark-blue suit. His face was expressionless as he stepped away from me toward the gym doors where the judges were inside tabulating scores. I blinked in surprise as he strode right into the gym like he owned the place.

A woman's voice called out from within, “I'm sorry, but no parents are allowed in here right now.”

The door swung shut behind him as he continued in, cutting off any further sound.

Amazing. Apparently being a Charmer was an honor big enough to make a father try to sway the judges for his daughter's sake.

Sway the judges unfairly, just like I should have done. I was so stupid. I shoved open the foyer doors, the moist heat blasting my face and then the rest of my body as I shuffled down the cement ramp to the parking lot and Nanna's waiting car.

“Well, how'd you do?” Nanna asked as I threw myself into
the air-conditioned car, the sweat on my skin turning clammy as I put on my seat belt.

“No clue. I didn't forget any of the steps, at least.” I should have used my gaze on those two judges. Even just swaying two of the five judges would've given me an advantage over the other freshmen dancers.

“Then you made the team, hon.” She steered the car toward home, her smile confident.

I couldn't help it; I rolled my eyes. “Aren't you a little biased?”

“Of course I am.” She laughed. “But I've also got eyes, don't I?”

Which only reminded me of my dumb decision. “Well, I guess we'll find out in a few hours.”

“What time do we need to be back here?”

“At six. But you don't have to come inside with me. It probably won't take long.”

Her sharp gaze flicked my way, and her smile disappeared. “And miss hearing my grandbaby's name being called out? I don't think so.”

Warmth spread in my chest, and a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. “I think they'll be calling out numbers, not names.”

She sniffed. “Same thing. I plan to be there taking lots of pictures for your mother.”

My mother, who was, as usual, away selling safety products.

I didn't know what thought was worse to dwell on for the next four hours…whether I'd made the team, made the wrong choice during my audition or performed too well and made the judges question whether I was even human.

 

I showered, ate a late lunch and listened to my iPod in an effort not to think. It didn't work too well.

At five-thirty, wearing the required outfit, I led Nanna into the gym. We'd arrived half an hour early in the hopes of getting there before everyone else so Nanna could sit on the front row. Her knees were too bad to let her climb up the bleachers.

We should have gotten there even earlier.

It seemed everyone else had the same thought. The entire right side of the gym was packed. It looked like every girl had brought at least one of her parents. Some had brought their entire families plus their grandparents. And the expandable bleachers on the left side of the gym were still folded into the wall. At least none of them were Clann families. Maybe the Clann preferred cheerleading instead?

“Looks like we'll be standing,” Nanna muttered.

We stood against the entrance wall near the doors with other similarly unlucky families.

And waited.

Thank goodness Nanna was naturally quiet. Mom would have embarrassed us both by chattering nonstop, most likely about things better left unsaid when standing six inches away from strangers.

But the silence also gave me too much time to think. And wonder. And doubt. And regret.

Just when I thought I couldn't stand the inside of my head anymore and would have to find something to talk about with Nanna, the Charmers director entered the gym.

Funny how fast everyone stopped talking without even being asked.

“Hello, everyone. My name is Elizabeth Daniels, and I'm the director of the JHS Cherokee Charmers Dance/Drill Team.” She waited for the polite applause to die away then continued. “Since we're all here for one reason, I'll just skip right to it, okay?”

Someone gave an overly excited cheer, making Mrs. Daniels smile as she pulled a folded sheet of paper from the pocket of her linen slacks.

She unfolded the paper and read the numbers, having to pause after each one while families and friends shrieked and cheered in response. Candidate after candidate climbed down from the stands to form a group under the basketball hoop near the entrance. The members gave each other tearful hugs and whispered among themselves, bonding before the new team had even finished being formed.

Number 101,
I thought with rising desperation.
Call my number. 101. Please.
I belonged with that group. Dancing was everything to me. Where else would I ever fit in except on the dance team? I would keep practicing every day, twice a day, morning and night. I'd work to be the best dancer they'd ever had.
Just give me a chance. Call my number.

“And finally, the last number is…” Mrs. Daniels glanced down at her list. “Number 101.”