Crave (4 page)

CHAPTER 6

My head hurts.  I didn’t drink too much tonight, but for some reason it just hurts.  The red walls in this bathroom probably aren’t helping.  God, I have to get out of here. 

I walk outside to the back porch and find Crash, Everett and Josie sitting at a table.  Other people are milling around and there’s a calm buzz with the chatter and the night air.

“You’re turn,” Josie says, pointing at me and then at the glass.

Shots of some dark liquid are spread across the table, alongside the half dozen or so beer cans.  “Nah, no thanks.  I’m done for the night.”

“What do you mean done?” she questions. 

“Just taking it easy, that’s all.”

Everett is looking at me, intently.  I get the feeling that he likes the fact that I’m not a big drinker, or smoker, or anything else.  I notice in the dim porch light that he is more handsome than ever.  His eyes sparkle, more so than usual.

Someone is calling Crash.  He gets up and Josie follows.  Everett gets up too, but doesn’t go with them.  He motions me to walk off to the edge of the porch with him.

We lean over the rail and enjoy the night view.  The moon is out again, bright.

“Good night to ride the trains,” he says.  “What are you doing tonight?”

“Ha-ha!  I think I’ll keep my feet on the ground this time,” I respond.

“Yeah, probably a good idea tonight,” he allows.

“Josie was already talking about leaving anyway, and she’s my ride home.”

“Seems like you’ve been getting around okay without Josie’s help,”

“Yeah, I know, I’m probably better off not relying on her piece of shit car anymore.  Thank god she has her dad’s ride tonight.  I’m pretty sure that will get us there.”

“So, maybe you could just stay here,” he suggests. His look turns from playful to serious.

“It’s kind of cold up here,” I say.

He takes off his jean jacket and hands it to me.  “You really ought to have just kept this.  You need it more than I do.” 

“Thanks,” I say, smiling.

“Listen, Cora, Crash gave me something.  Something I’ve never done, something I’ve never tried.  He and Josie did it, so I didn’t think too much about it and I did it too,” he says, inspecting me for my reaction.  Something is different about him now.

“Did what?  What do you mean?  You guys did some more shots?  I saw them on the table.  No big deal.”

“Well, it’s not the shots.  It’s this,” he says, opening a small napkin in his hand, revealing a small caplet.  “He said these are pretty clean.  Give you a nice light feeling.  Won’t mess you up or anything.  I was thinking you and I could… well, would you want to take one-“

“Seriously?  What the fuck Everett, you too?  I thought you were clean. I didn’t…” 

All the horrors of my past come screaming back through my head.  I can’t believe what he is asking me to do.  How could he possibly be so insensitive as to ask that?  Why can’t I get away from this kind of stuff?

I want to cry, and run off.  I look behind me and around.  Nothing’s changed there.  But here, oh, everything has just changed.  I feel so let down.  So overwhelmed.  My head feels like it will explode and heat rushes all over my face. 

“I can’t do this, Everett,” I say, running off to the bathroom.

“Wait Cora…” he says. 

But I don’t.  No way.  I can’t believe what just happened.

I get inside and lock the door.  The toilet calls for me and I sit there next to it, head in hands.  The tears come fast and I can’t contain them.  My shirt is soaked in seconds.  And my head really feels like it will explode now.  I want to just throw up.

Why does life do this to me?  I let myself think I could get away from things and here I am right back in the middle of that kind of life.  And Everett, I thought he was good.  How could I have been so wrong about him?

I gather my will and head out of the bathroom.  I see across the family room that Josie and Crash are deep in an embrace on the couch and I don’t want to interrupt their good time really, but nothing can stop me now.

She hands me the keys without taking her attention off of Crash and I am out the door.

I hear footsteps following me and the rush of them as they get close.  Before I get the key into the door, his hand comes over it.

“Wait, Cora. Listen,” he says.

“There’s nothing to listen to.  You’re just like the rest of them,” I say.  “I thought you were going to be different.  I thought you were different.  I thought we were going in a good direction, Everett.  Why did you do this to me?  How could you do this to me?”

My emotions flood my head and I feel my chest getting tight.  I take the jacket off and throw it at him.  I am pissed.  Angry.

He says, “Don’t Cora. Please, let’s just talk this through a little bit.  I thought we could just have a little fun, that’s all.  I didn’t realize you would be so upset about it.  We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”

“It’s too late, Everett,” I reply, “It’s just too late.  You’ve already done it.  And what, I’m just supposed to ignore that fact and just move on having a good time.  Well, listen.  I don’t think so.  It’s not happening.  I’m getting in this car and I’m getting the hell out of here.  Out of this driveway.  Out of here.”

“Cora, really, come on.  Let’s just talk for a bit.  It’s really not.-“

“-Don’t tell me what it is and what it’s not.  I know what it is.  I know what these things do to people.  I’ve lived it.  My family has lived it.  I am getting away from it.  And if that means getting away from…”

And then it hits me that this is the moment.  The pivotal moment that I am leaving him.  I am leaving him behind.  I know that this is right and that I can do this, but those words turn over in my head and make my headache pulse worse than it already was.

“…You,” I conclude.  “I am getting away from you.  I can’t be around this, Everett.”

I’m in the car now.  And slam the door.  I nearly jam his fingers in the frame.  That would have been okay, I think to myself. 

“Cora, wait.  Please don’t go.  Let’s talk about this… Damn it, Cora.  Just wait a minute.”

“You let me down, Everett,” I yell. “Get out of the way.”

The buffer between us is good now.  He stands there helpless.  Defeated.  I can see the look in his eyes.  The confidence is gone.  The calmness is gone.  

“Get away from the car,” I say as I push the gear into drive and hit the gas.  Tires screech and the few people who were out front witnessing this scene scatter to the house and look back with blank stares.  I see in the rearview, Everett standing there with his head down. 

I think of driving off one of the cliffs on the way back to Josie’s parents place.  I nearly do.  Not because I so seriously have those intentions, but because of the tears blurring my visibility.  I just can’t wrap my head around the whole thing.

I get into bed.  This night is miserable, alone.  I think I want to die.

CHAPTER 7

Josie doesn’t come home tonight and I wonder what kind of stupid things she is off doing now that I know what these after-parties are all about.  I think I’d rather spend the night, and the next day alone anyway. 

That gets me thinking about my future here and my life overall.  I came here with a purpose- to get into the University and complete a four-year degree and now I need to focus my efforts on that.  That, and a job.  And a place to live.

I wake up the next morning so miserable that I don’t want to even get out of bed.  My forehead is still pounding, strained from all of the tears it pushed out.

I roll around in bed for most of the morning, too sluggish to do anything. 

Finally, my cell rings and it is Josie.

“Yeah Josie, what’s going on?  Where you at?” I ask.

“Coming home.  Just left the after-party.”

“Just left, really?  It’s noon for god’s sake.”

“I know.  I felt like I could have stayed another night.  They were still going strong when I left.”

“What do you mean
they
were still going strong?” I ask.

“Oh, you know.  Everett was still there, but he didn’t have much of a good time after you left.  And Crash.  We ended up having a blast together.  He is such a cool guy.  And really nice too.  Sorry about the Everett thing, Cora.  I should have told Crash a little more about you so he could have made sure Everett didn’t ask you about-”

“-Yeah, well, it’s done now.  I can’t expect you to run around filling everyone in on my problems before I get there.  I just don’t understand why this happens.  I finally meet a nice guy, a super-hot guy, and he’s into drugs.  That would be my luck, wouldn’t it?”

“Well, he’s really not ‘into drugs’ Cora.  He just tried ecstasy for the first time last night.  Clearly it was a bum trip for him, so I don’t think you have to really worry about him being into drugs.  That’ll probably be the last time he ever touches them.  If you saw the way he acted later, you’d know what I mean.”

“Acted later?  What are you talking about?  I assume he just went on drinking and doing drugs all night.”

“Nope, not at all, Cora.  You should have seen him.  Crash said he has never seen him like that.  So upset, so rejected.  Hell, he was in the bathroom half the night.  And then we found some holes in the one of the upstairs corridor walls this morning.  No one is saying who did it, but we all know it was him.  He took it rather hard- that you left the way you did.”

“He did all that, really?” I ask.  I’m still so pissed off at him and I can’t hide from those feelings because of all that’s happened in my past, but then… if it was his first time… and if he did learn a lesson, then maybe…

“Yeah, really,” Josie says, “You should have seen him.  Poor guy.”

“Well, there was no way I was sticking around.  And thanks by the way for giving me the keys.  Did you even know you did that?”

“Of course I did!  I was just major into Crash right then, so sorry if I was a little disinterested in what was going on with you.  I knew you’d be fine.  You always are.”

“Somehow, despite the odds, I guess I do manage,” I say, only half believing that to be true.

“Well, listen Cora,” she says, turning serious on me, “You ought to give some more thought to seeing Everett again.  He’s really sweet and clearly he’s been hurt by you.  I know you think he hurt you… but he took it so hard.  I don’t think he’ll mess things up like that again.”

“I don’t know Josie.  There are plenty of other guys, and that really hurt me bad.”

“I’m just saying, you know, he has a life, and according to Crash, he’s going to be one seriously wealthy dude before too long.  You might consider that.”

“Yeah I know.  King of the Cattle.  I heard all about it from Crash too.  Maybe Crash wants to be with him, the way he gets on about him.”

“Cut the shit, Cora.  Crash is all good.  And he is all mine.  So don’t you go getting any ideas about it.  He’s going to make out pretty well himself in this life.”

“He’s all yours, Josie.  Don’t worry.”

“Good.  Think about Everett.”

The thought of giving Everett a second chance doesn’t last long.  There’s no way.  Even if Josie is big on him.  And he’s going to have money.  So what.  Who cares about that?  I don’t want it if it’s going to come with all the rest of the burden.  I moved to get away from that, I keep telling myself.

“Oh,” Josie says.  “Get some rest today.  My folks want to take us snorkeling tomorrow.  So get some rest.”

That idea actually sounds pretty good to me.  I know that will take my mind off other stuff for sure.

The next morning everyone is up early and I actually feel much better physically.  The headache is completely gone.  I just have that emotional hangover.  I’ll just have to carry that around a day or two and then I’ll be over it.  There will be other guys at the college, I tell myself.

The water is blue, but not exactly clear.  Don’t really think of snorkeling in that kind of water, but Josie’s family is bound to know what they are doing, being out here for a few years now.  I know there’s none of this business on the New England coast, unless you’re in a boat, on top of the water, looking for whales, that is.

Since I’ve never been snorkeling, Josie’s dad gives me some quick instruction on the breathing “apparatus” and once I put it on and show him I’m good, he’s off the boat and in the water.  Josie and her mom too.  I wonder for a minute if the boat will just float away and we’ll all be stranded here.  I look to shore and see we are close enough that I could swim in, if I had to.  And then I see the rope hanging over the other side of the boat. 

I look over the edge and see that Josie and her family are swimming off, further out into the water.  She said I should look for the leopard sharks when I get in, but that kind of makes me really not want to get in.  They’re supposedly safe, but they’re sharks, PEOPLE! Come on.  Nature always wins.  That much I know.

I hear two wave runners off in the distance, coming and going.  Should I be worried about that? 

After I sufficiently rule out in my head the probability of a shark attack, or getting run down by one of the wave runners, I slip into the water.  It is cold at first, but my body suit keeps me warm.  As soon as I start to swim, I get more comfortable.  I look under and at first I enjoy.  The water is clearer underneath the surface and there is tons of stuff to look at. 

No sharks yet.  That’s good.

I float for a few seconds before the first wave comes over and fills my snorkel, and my stomach, with water.  I come up gagging and coughing.  Gagging over that disgusting salty taste of the water.  I feel like I’m going to throw up.

I’m close enough that I grab the ladder to the boat and hang there for a minute.  My stomach instantly got queasy. 

I can only see the bob of Josie’s family snorkels above the water, and then they disappear.  They are a pretty good distance away from me now.  And I realize that this snorkel adventure, if there is to be one for me, will be done on my own.  Sucks to be the first timer. 

The waves aren’t letting up any, and I do believe they are getting larger.  I slip away from the ladder determined to give it another try.  At first, some water comes into my snorkel and I take on a little bit of that, but then I sort of figure the thing out and am able to keep it from going down my throat.  Thank god.

My stomach feels awful, but I am able to just float for a while, and enjoy all the things I see below.  When I look up again, Josie’s family is nowhere in sight, and the boat is now a good ways off too. 

I notice that the current has actually pulled me closer to shore
and
away from the boat.

I decide for some reason that I am ready to dive down.  I’ve got the snorkel figured out now, and that’s really where the action is, down and around the kelp.

I dive and before I take two strokes downward, the snorkel fills and my stomach is again gorged with seawater.  The snorkel comes out of my mouth quickly and I’m torn between trying to get everything out versus the risk of taking in more salty water.  I resurface as quickly as I can and cough it all up.

I’m deeply winded now and my stomach feels like hell.  The waves keep coming and it’s becoming a struggle to swim.  I look below quickly again to see if I can touch the bottom yet.  Nope, still too deep.  And there are lots of rocks and rocky formations that look sharp as hell. 

I’ve heard that coral reef can rip you apart if you are not careful.  I don’t think this stuff is coral reef, but it sure looks jagged.  There’s no way I’m risking that now.

I make an effort to swim toward the boat, but the waves and the current keep me in place.  I only feel like I’m drifting further in toward shore, though it is still a long way off.

I’m closer to the boat than to the shore though so I make up my mind that I’ve got to get back to that boat.

My arms feel like someone has beaten them for the last half-hour with a bat.  And my legs protest more than they did on those dreaded train tracks.  Those tracks that started this whole damn mess I’m in.  My legs are so worn down that I think they will stop working. 

I remember the will I had to get to that train and I start to envision the boat in the same way.  But then I look, and shockingly, it still looks like I am further away from it
after
I swim toward it.

The weight of my arms, the numbness of my legs- it makes me stop trying to swim and instead just try to maintain the float.  I turn my attention to the shore, and think now that that is the only way I am coming out of this water. 

My legs brush something below and I feel the scrape.  Like a piece of glass just ran up one leg and then down the other.  It feels like I am in a clothes washer with a broken wine glass. 

Everything hurts.

If I bleed, I realize, there will be sharks.

I don’t think this can get any worse.  I don’t want to die like this, I tell myself.

I can’t die like this. I can’t.

I will myself to make another swim toward the boat, realizing this might be my last push.

I make what feels like good progress for a minute or two and then stop to look and get my bearings, making sure I’m at least headed in the right direction.

Yep, headed in the right direction. Not much closer, but at least made some headway.

The waves have lightened up some and I see this is my chance to make a good run.  I put forth every last effort I have to go forward and I can see up ahead it
is
getting closer.

I hear the sounds of a wave runner and I worry now that that will be my fate- not a drowning, but a wave runner crashing into me.

The reality that I fear nearly happens as one crosses right behind me and sends floods of waves across the back of my head.  And fumes of gas and exhaust across my face.  More water swallowing, coughing, gagging.

I don’t think I can make it now.  My body has never been so exhausted.

I determine the only thing left to do is float.  And hope.  Hope that the tide pulls me in and I avoid any major rocky formations underneath.  I concede myself to that course, realizing I’ve exhausted all other options.

But even that approach seems difficult.  I still have to stay above water.  And my legs gave out a few minutes ago.  My arms are the only things keeping my mouth above- mere centimeters above- the waterline.

I feel myself getting dizzy.  And my head goes light.  I roll over to float on my back, but that is no use either.  Without my legs to stabilize, I just keep getting tossed around and over by the surf.

And then my head goes under. 

Not willingly.  Not to look at what’s underneath. 

Just because it does, and I can’t stop it from doing so.  I am so exhausted, so ready to sleep.  I almost forget I’m in the water and think about just shutting my eyes. 

The thought overwhelms me.  It seems so much better than the arms struggling and all of the weight of my legs.

I tell myself to just let go.  Just let it happen. 

I’ll float to shore.  I’ll just float in… it will all be over soon…