Crash Into Me (12 page)

"Why?
I'm good enough for you to basically beg me to work for you and good enough to
fuck, but I'm not good enough to be seen with you in public? Is that it?"

He
stood silently staring at me for a long time before he finally said, "No.
That's not it."

"More
evasive answers that say nothing! That's what I get after everything we've done
together?" I screamed as tears began streaming down over my cheeks.

My
outburst made him cringe, and I saw in his eyes my words had affected him. In a
low, almost sad voice, he said, "I told you, Nina. I can give you
everything your heart desires, but I can only do it this way."

I
watched him walk away and knew I had no answer for that. I'd thought that we
were getting closer and he'd begun to open up, but all that was just my
imagination. We were the same as we'd been since that first night he showed up
in my life.

Tristan
Stone and Nina Edwards. Two souls worlds apart, no matter if we lived in the
same house or not.

Chapter Eleven

I
marched up the stairs to the attic, needing to speak to someone from the life
I'd left behind. The black phone sat on a wooden box hidden away in the corner,
right where I'd left it, just waiting for me to reach out and touch someone. I
slowly dialed Jordan's number and put the receiver up to my ear. It rang four
times and then I heard her say, "Hey, this is Jordan. Leave me a message
and I'll get back to you A.S.A.P."

My
disappointment kept me silent for a few seconds and then I mumbled, "Hey,
it's me. Nina. I'd say call me back, but I don't know the number and I don't
even know if I should be using this phone. I'm still out at Tristan's house and
just wanted to talk to someone. I hope everything's okay."

I
put the phone down and slumped on the floor, pressing my back up against the
wood slat wall. Sadness settled into me as I replayed the conversation Tristan
and I had, and I wanted to cry but there weren't any tears. All I felt was a
heaviness in my chest, like someone was pressing down on me trying to crush me.

What
was I to him? That was what was crushing me. He treated me like a girlfriend,
yet I was never to be seen. But I was his employee too, a fact that he seemed
to impress upon me always at times when it hurt the most. I existed in some
limbo between being someone he was willing to show off to the world and someone
who was merely there to do his bidding.

As
I sat there with the hard wall pushing against my back and my hurt feelings
pressing down on my heart, a sense of regret slowly spread over me. I'd been
such a fool! No matter what Jordan believed, good things didn't always happen
to good people. That was even assuming I was good. I'd accepted Tristan's offer
hoping for more than a job, but that's all the contract had promised. What did
that make me? He'd never promised anything in that contract other than all that
he'd already given me. I was being paid to do a job. The hope of something more
was never part of the deal.

But
hadn't he promised in every kiss and every time he'd made love to me that
something more was what he wanted too?

Never
before had a man tangled my emotions in such knots. When he touched me with
those hands so strong yet so tender, he made me feel like I was the most
important thing in the world to him. When he was inside me, moaning my name as
he clung to me and his body shook from the feelings I created in him, his every
word and movement said he cared.

Fuck!
How had I let this happen to me? I wasn't some pathetic little schoolgirl who
had no idea how things worked. I knew how men were and what they wanted. I may
not be supermodel gorgeous, but I'd been with other men and knew the ways of
the world. How had I fallen so quickly for Tristan and not seen what was really
happening?

The
problem was I didn't know what was really happening. To me, not showing me off
as his girlfriend was a huge sign he didn't care, but in every other part of
our relationship it was clear he felt something for me. What that was I didn't
know, but I wasn't sure what I felt either, so I couldn't fault him for that.
We'd moved fast since the beginning, so being unsure was fine.

Being
ashamed of being seen with me at his parties and events wasn't fine.

The
phone ringing jolted me out of my thoughts, and I scrambled to answer it before
anyone heard the noise downstairs. Pressing the heavy receiver to my ear, I
whispered, "Hello?" and held my breath as the line stayed silent.

"Hello?
Is anyone there?"

"Nina?
Are you okay? It's Jordan."

I
sighed my relief and my heart began its normal beating again. "Jordan, how did you get this number?"

"It
came up on my phone. Are you okay? You sounded like something was wrong on the
message. What's going on out there?"

"I
don't know. I think I made a mistake."

"Why?
Did something happen?" she asked, her voice full of concern.

"For
the second time since I've been here, he's gone off to some event he needed to
wear a tux to and didn't invite me to go. I don't know what I'm doing here or
why he's ashamed to be seen with me."

"Oh,
sweetie. I'm sure he's not ashamed of you. Look at you. You're beautiful and
smart and he's crazy about you."

Sniffling
back the first of my tears, I sobbed, "He's not crazy about me. I'll bet
anything he's at whatever affair he had to go to with one of those women he
takes to things like that. Tomorrow he'll be in the paper standing next to some
gorgeous, rail thin supermodel."

"Honey,
don't cry. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation why he doesn't take you to
these things. Maybe they're boring and he doesn't want you to think he's
boring."

"Jordan, I saw the picture in the paper. Did those people look like they thought that party
was boring?"

She
was silent for a few moments and then said, "He didn't look like he was
having a good time. I remember you saying he didn't look like that with you.
Oh, Nina, don't cry. It's going to be okay."

"How?
How is it going to be okay? I'm contractually obligated to be around him for
the next six months and even though we're sleeping together and he treats me
like his girlfriend in private, he never takes me to places where other people
like him will be. How is it okay that I'm basically some concubine?"

Jordan said nothing as I sobbed into the phone. What could she say? I was crying over
something I couldn't have and she couldn't give it to me or help me get it.

"I
feel so stupid, Jordan. I know it's only been a short time, but I can't help
the way I feel. Why is this happening to me?"

Quietly,
she said what I already knew. "Because you're trusting and good, Nina, and
you think other people are the same. It's that small town upbringing in
you."

"So
I'm destined to be a fool for the rest of my life."

"Honey,
I don't think you're foolish for caring for someone. And I'm not sure he
doesn't care for you either. I don't know why he doesn't take you around those
upper crusts he hangs out with, but I want to give him the benefit of the
doubt. Not every guy makes a point to find a girl's best friend and ask her
about your favorite foods. I bet he picked one of those and had that for you
that first night, didn't he?"

I
wiped my tears and hung my head. "He had all of them made for me," I
admitted.

"See?
I know it hurts now, but give him time. Maybe there's something you don't know
about and he's not trying to be hurtful or cruel."

"Some
best friend you are. I think you're supposed to tell me to dump his ass and
that I can do better," I joked.

"You
want that? I'm on it. You know I think you're one of the best people I've ever
known, so if this is something you can't handle, you need to end this thing
now."

That
was easier said than done. "I have a contract, Jordan. I can't end
it."

"You
have a contract to work for him. That's it. If you don't want to be anything
more than an employee, then I say you stick to your guns and be just that. An
employee."

Jordan always knew what to say to make me feel better. Sitting up straight, I took a deep
breath in. I could do that. There was nothing in the contract that said I had
to sleep with him. Well, at least I hoped there wasn't.

"I
could do that, couldn't I?"

"You
could. But be careful, Nina. You may just get what you wish for and there will
be nothing between you and Tristan but work. Is that what you really
want?"

That
feeling of something heavy pressing on my chest came back with a vengeance at
the thought of Tristan being nothing but my boss. I didn't want that, really,
but I didn't want to feel like I was something to be ashamed of anymore either.

"I
don't know what I want, but I do know I hate feeling like this. If he can't be
proud of being with me among people he socializes with, then we shouldn't be
together. Maybe if I stop being his whatever I am, he'll see that."

"I
don't know, Nina. I think you need to be very careful. I think there's
something you don't know and if you do this, you could lose him."

"I'm
not sure I have anything to lose, Jordan."

We
sat silently for a long moment before she said, "Just take care of yourself,
okay? And call me whenever you need me."

"Okay.
I will. Oh, and don't call this number again, though. I'm not sure I'll be
around to hear it."

"I
won't. Just be careful and don't do anything without thinking it through first.
Promise me you'll at least do that."

"I
promise. I'll talk to you soon."

I
hung up the phone and closed my eyes to calm the nervous energy that was
already taking over my emotions. The mere thought of ending things with Tristan
made my body shake, but I had to take a stand. I couldn't live like this,
hoping that what he felt in private would someday be how he'd act in public.

Armed
with a plan, I left the attic without looking for more details about Tristan
and his family. My mind was intent on keeping strong and focused on what I could
do about this. I may not have been able to control what he did, but I was able
to control how I reacted.

I
awoke from a good night's sleep ready to tackle my problems and the world.
Stretching my arms above my head, I focused my eyes and there on the table near
the window stood the biggest bouquet of roses I'd ever seen in my life. There
had to be fifty long stem roses in the tall glass vase if there was one. Deep
red, they looked like they were made of velvet, and their sweet fragrance
filled the room.

They
were beautiful and screamed of guilt. A tiny flicker of satisfaction ignited
inside me at the thought that Tristan had felt bad about not taking me with
him. Smiling to myself, I saw a note tacked to the large red bow around the
roses. As always, he'd chosen to say what he needed to in a letter. It was very
Tristan.

Rolling
out of bed, I padded over to the gorgeous gift he'd left me—with a tiny nagging
question in my mind of when he'd put them there—and buried my nose in the
flowers. They smelled heavenly. I gently touched one of those blood red petals
and felt its silky smoothness between my thumb and forefinger. As with
everything else Tristan did, they were extraordinary.

The
note was folded and in an envelope. I pulled it out and held it up to see a
short message that left me speechless.

Dear
Nina,

A
great job deserves a great reward. Keep up the terrific work!

                                                                 Love,

                                                                 Tristan

I
felt like a balloon whose knot had been untied. All the good feelings I'd had
about the roses and how things stood with Tristan left my body in a huge whoosh
until I felt totally empty. This gift was merely an attaboy, a pat on the back
for a job well done.

Disgusted,
I wrapped my hand around the thick bunch of stems and yanked the entire bouquet
out of the vase, spraying everything including myself with water. Thorns stuck
into my palm, making the whole thing even worse. There was no garbage can in my
room, so I marched the dripping flowers down the hall to the kitchen and threw
them away, feeling as if I had struck some kind of blow for women everywhere.

And
then as I rejoiced in my newfound strength I turned around and saw Tristan
standing there looking hurt, of all things. Those deep brown eyes stared past
me at the garbage can with all those flowers sticking out and then at me. I
wanted to say something, but no words came to my brain. What had seemed such a
triumph now turned into a weird sense of guilt that poked at my gut.

He
said nothing as we both stood there staring at one another, and the need to
flee suddenly came over me. With all the bravado I could muster, I stomped past
him through the doorway and bolted down the hall, sure that if I didn't go as
fast as my legs would take me that they'd begin shaking uncontrollably and give
out from underneath me. By the time I reached my room, I was out of breath and
so confused I didn't know whether to congratulate myself or feel bad for
hurting his feelings.

As
I stood there, my back pressed against the closed door, I told myself I was
doing the right thing.
Don't forget how you felt when he walked out that
door last night.

And
then an idea hit me. If I could just remember that feeling for another
twenty-two weeks, everything would be fine. That was easier said than done,
though.

I
took my time getting dressed, part of me dreading the fact that I had to face
him at some point and he might have that wounded puppy look in his eyes.
Another part of me worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up my strength when
he touched me or did any of the dozens of things that made me crazy about him.

Jesus,
if he got close enough for me to smell his delicious cologne, I knew I'd likely
be lost. And if he gave me one of his sweet smiles, I didn't know if I'd be
able to remember anything, much less how I felt the night before.

It
was going to be a long six months.

"Nina,
we'll be leaving early tomorrow morning and we'll be gone for two days and
nights, so feel free to take today to get anything you need done."

His
tone was decidedly cool, which in a strange way made me feel better. Now he got
to feel how I did. Plus, if he stayed upset with me, it could make staying away
from him much easier. Things were looking up.

How
I was going to handle the sleeping arrangements in Dallas was beyond me, but
I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.

"Fine.
I have some laundry to do. If that's all, I'll see you tomorrow."