Cowboy of Mine (17 page)

Her skin prickled all the more. The panic was back.

But could this be real? Could he truly be asking for her to marry him?

No. He was a man of his times, and she’d gone and made him feel responsible because they’d had sex.

She took a gulp of air, then tried to explain herself. “Look, Jake. You are so sweet, but you’re not obligated to...you don’t have to—”

“I’m not askin’ for yer hand because I feel obligated. I want ye, Meredith. I want ye something fierce. Ye’re mine. Er, I want ye to be mine.”

Her heart grew and grew. Even though she was completely confused, she wanted to believe him. She wanted to think he wanted her. She wanted to hope.

“I’ll farm yer land, Meredith, make us rich off the wheat. This is good land, and I’ll provide for ye.”

Then her heart crumbled into dust. No, much smaller than dust. Her heart transformed into subatomic elements so seared in pain, she couldn’t talk.

He was after her land, which, ironically, wasn’t her own. The muses set her here. Somehow, she had a deed that said she had a barn and fifty acres with the option to buy more, because the muses, although they’d been pissed as hell, had made sure she had a ton of money and every month her birth control pills magically appeared with some new garment of clothing and food too.

“You can have it.” Her voice was only gravel now.

“Pardon?”

“Have the land.” She turned from him and finally got off the bed, trying to make sure he didn’t see anything of her chubby body.

“What?”

She pivoted around, pointing a finger at his chest. “Just don’t play such a cruel game with me. You can have my land. I’ll leave. If it matters that much to you, take it. Take it all. I have the deed and money. You can have all my money too. But don’t say you want to marry me—”

“But I do.”

“Liar!” She almost spit the word.

He blinked and stood, looking a little shaken by what she’d called him. Then his brows furrowed and his face tensed. “I may be many things, but I’m not a liar.”

“The hell you are! You’re proposing to me because you want my land. You needn’t bother. If you had just asked, I’d have given it to you. But instead, you play this sick game with me.”

He suddenly flew toward her, his face turning a dark shade. Stopping inches from her he lowered his head, gauging her eyes. “Look at me, woman. I have many regrets. I didn’t do enough to save my brothers when they needed me. I got sick with the pox, making myself a burden. I didn’t do enough to save the Cheyenne when they needed me. Aye, I have many regrets and guilt, and I may not be the kind of man I’d hoped I’d turn out to be. But I’d never ask for yer hand in marriage just for yer land. I’m not that kind of man. Now, I ken, we don’t ken each other well. But I have to ask, what kind of man have ye known in yer past to make ye think I’d do anything so cruel? That
anyone
would be so cruel? Tell me his name, and I’ll run him out of town. I’ll teach him to never treat a lady like that.”

She took a step back and ran into the wall. He caught her, or tried to, but she yanked free and managed to smack herself in the head. Faster than she would have thought possible, he held her, caressing her where she’d run into the wall.

She jerked away again, not sure what to say or do.

What he’d said was the most romantic, barbaric, sweet, and terrifying thing anyone could have ever told her. Her heart, those subatomic particles hovered under her ribs, tickling her with pain, fear, and the ache of longing.

But the pain and fear were too strong.

“Go away.” She’d said before she knew what she was doing.

The sound of far off clop-clopping distracted her for a second.

He sighed. “Laura and Chen are close.”

“Go away.”

“We’ll talk tonight, when I’m done with being a lawman for the day.”

“Go away,” she said a little louder, hating herself, but it was the only way to survive this, to survive him.

His brows furrowed again. “I am. But I’ll be back tonight.”

“No.” She turned away from him. He was far too good for her. He was perfect and lovely, and she was a liar and thief and worthless. Completely worthless. And somehow he couldn’t see that. Well, no wonder, she’d never told him the awful things she’d done.

She’d do him the favor of never knowing, never knowing how close he’d come to settling down with a piece of trash. She’d give him that, at least.

“I never want to see you again.” She’d hoped her voice sounded convincing, but she’d ended up sounding like a little girl.

“Meredith, I ken we had our first fight, but—”

“I never want to see you again. If you like my land, I’ll give it to you. But I never want to see you again.”

The sound of horses and the young voice of Chen and the earthy richness of Laura’s were getting close. Meredith knew she had to finish this before they saw.

“I’m serious, Jake. I never want to see you again. Leave.”

He didn’t say anything after that.

Meredith saw from her periphery he grabbed his huge bag, full of guns and his clothes and left without a word. After that she broke. Her heart wasn’t just in particles. Her whole being turned into ashes.

Chapter 10

“
W
e
just heard news that Miss Peabody is in danger,” Mr. Eskola said to Jake as soon as he dismounted from his horse in front of the Stop.

Jake nodded, noting his aching head and something under his ribs was giving him hell too. Oh, he knew what it was, but he wouldn’t let himself think he was brokenhearted. He was irked, aye, but he wouldn’t admit more than that. If he did, then that would mean Meredith had meant what she’d said. He wasn’t willing to face that possibility yet.

Mr. Eskola and a few Finnish miners crowded around him, but soon enough Mr. Dusek and a handful of Slavic men rushed around the corner of the Stop. They stalled for a couple seconds at seeing Mr. Eskola and his gang, but hustled closer.

“We would like to patrol Miss Peabody’s house, help you protect her.” His English was stilted and took a great deal of time to sound out, but once Jake understood, he was surprised. And must have shown it, because Mr. Dusek continued. “Miss Peabody taught my Alex how to speak the English, and he is teaching me. She also taught him the constitution, and now he is truly American.” Mr. Dusek said with more than an ounce of pride.

“Miss Peabody taught my Dorothy.” Mr. Eskola said competitively. “My Dorothy knows the constitution too, and all the signers of the Declaration of the Independence. And much more. And Miss Peabody brings bread to my sick wife.”

Before Mr. Dusek could further the odd competition of all the things Meredith did for them, Jake raised a hand, silencing them.

“I have Chen and Laura watching her now, but she will need extra protection before I catch this prowler of hers.”

“Do you know who it was?” Mr. Dusek asked.

Jake shook his head.

“I—I don’t think it was any man from camp.” Mr. Eskola said slowly. “I think many men, both Finnish and Slavic, have taken a fancy to her, but I think,” for this he paused as if something in his mouth had stung his tongue, “I think
all
men, both Finnish and Slavic, are good, and would never harm our Miss Peabody. Or scare her. I know men will be men, but we all love our Miss Peabody. Besides giving away her bread, she teaches young, old, black, and white, even those Indians who come into town are amazed by all she knows.”

Jake felt he had to shrug off the comment about Indians to continue the peace between the two factions. Later, he’d say something. Well, he might be reading Mr. Eskola wrong, since what was said was a bit vague. But Jake had come to learn that many immigrants landed in America with bigoted thoughts. Hell, too many people held racist thoughts of the people who had saved his life. Being a prisoner of war and landing in the Virginia colony as an indentured servant had been demoralizing, but when his brother, Michael, had been almost beaten to death, he’d planned to take his brothers and escape. The only way he’d been successful was because the Yamasee tribe had assisted him and many other servants and slaves.

After he’d gotten the pox and been kidnapped by the man with the blue eyes then thrown into this time, he’d come to find out that the Yamasee had become all but extinct. Adding insult to injury, he’d learned that the MacKay land now belonged to the Sutherlands, his once sworn enemy. And something about knowing all of it made him a bit crazed.

But with Meredith, he’d felt as if his life had finally started to make sense. He must have been thrown through time to find her, protect her, and to marry her. It had made such perfect sense. Until the stubborn woman had thrown him out of her house.

Now, what was he going to do?

Finally feeling his heart shred, he tiredly turned to the men in front of him. “I’m thinking the man who lurked after Miss Peabody is not from town too. Either one of ye would have heard if a man had too much a fancy for her, aye?” He eyed both Mr. Dusek and Mr. Eskola.

They both nodded their heads as did the men behind them.

Mr. Dusek glanced at Mr. Eskola. “I think we have much we have argued about, but I don’t think the Fins are bad men, none of them.”

“And that goes for me too.” Mr. Eskola nodded his head.

Well, wasn’t this a turn of events? Meredith was single-handedly making the miners get along. For her, they’d see past their differences.

Lord, that stung his heart.

She obviously didn’t trust him. She’d accused him of such awful things, and like a bombarding idiot he’d insisted she tell him who had made her so cynical. He should have known better. Witnessing inhumane cruelty, he’d recognized what it had done to him. He still couldn’t talk about it. Couldn’t face up to what had been done. What had happened on that Indian reservation when he’d been a supposed lawman for the railway...shite...and he hadn’t even been the victim of the malice. Although, his two scarred gunshot wounds on his chest might convey otherwise.

But, earlier, as Meredith had picked him apart, he’d felt so helpless. So angry. He wanted her so bad, he wasn’t sure he could survive without her. And wasn’t that something? He’d only wanted to return to his brothers, but now...now, he’d made a muck of things. Watching Meredith’s face as he’d ordered her about had almost done him in. She’d crumbled in front of him. He’d watched it and could only stand idly by while he saw her composure break away.

Jake nodded again at the men surrounding him. It appeared today would be an easy day of work. Just then Tom Casper walked through the Stop’s doors, glancing at the Finnish then the Slavic miners.

“What’s this about?” His voice was rough.

“We’ve come to tell our sheriff we’ll help protect our Miss Peabody.” Mr. Eskola said quickly.

Tom grunted.

“And ask what we can do to catch her prowler, boss. We need to catch that son of a bitch,” added Mr. Dusek.

Tom narrowed his eyes and nodded simultaneously. “Laura found out that that Mr. Bruisner was in Great Falls yesterday.”

Jake grunted himself, feeling a little lost in time. When had she slapped the man? Had it really only been a couple days ago? It had felt as if he’d already spent a lifetime with Meredith, but that had felt wonderful.

“Going to Great Falls to find that man?” Tom looked at Jake.

He wanted to, aye, but he wanted to protect Meredith more. Now though, after the woman had made it clear that she...Ah, hell, he couldn’t think about what had just happened.

Jake glanced at Mr. Dusek then Mr. Eskola. “Only if these two men can vouch for peace in town while I’m gone.”

“Of course.”

“Yes.”

Jake wasn’t too sure who had said what, but the sentiment was clear: he could go to Great Falls, question this Mr. Bruisner, and the town and Meredith would be safe while he was gone.

He needed time to think anyway. And riding always cleared his mind.

Ah, but it would be hell to be away from Meredith. However, she forbade him from her. Although he didn’t want to believe the stubborn woman, he did think they both needed time to think.

Besides, in Great Falls, he was fairly certain, there would be a jeweler. He could buy a ring, and then...

Shite, he needed some time to think.

He nodded to Tom, and he and the men made plans how to protect Meredith when he was gone. Whilst he was away, he’d figure out how to win her back.

*

M
ere
dith had to promise a million times over she merely was going to use the outhouse, but finally she stole away from Chen and Laura’s good intentions and protective stares. It felt wonderful to have people watch her, care for her. But after she’d ended things with Jake, then found out through Tom coming to visit that Jake had left for Great Falls, she needed some time alone to cry.

Instead, she found herself in her barn with Trick and Treat, wrestling at her feet, and the smart phone Erva had given her, somehow calling the one woman who should hate her. Simultaneously, Meredith hoped Erva would pick up and she wouldn’t answer.

“Hello?”

Erva had picked up.

Meredith took a breath that felt as if someone was stabbing her heart.

“Meredith, I know it’s you. I programmed your phone’s number.”

“God, sorry. I just...I’m sorry.”

Erva was silent for a beat, but then took a breath herself. “Like I said, Meredith, it’s okay. Well, not okay exactly, but I’m okay. I’m moving on. I hope you do too.”

Meredith hadn’t meant to apologize for her past deeds again, but it was reassuring to hear as much from Erva. She swallowed, summoning courage. “Do—do you have a few minutes to talk?”

“Yeah,” Erva answered quickly. “It’s winter break, and unfortunately Will is busy with his board tests. So I have a lot of time.”

Erva might regret saying as much, Meredith thought, because suddenly she was telling Erva everything about her and Jake. Tears flowed as she talked, but it didn’t weaken her voice. If anything, it got stronger. Finally, she recited what she’d done—how Jake had proposed, but she’d denied him, first looking for some kind of angle Jake had had, then thinking she was doing him a favor.

Erva was again silent for a couple seconds. “Let me get this straight: so you met a cute Irish guy, you like him, had a little bit of a fling with him, then he gets serious, asks for marriage, and you break up with him. Did I get that right?”

“I’m not someone to propose to. You know that better than anyone else.”

“Oh, I see.” Erva’s voice grew cold. “Because you’re you, you can’t get proposals from nice Irish blokes.”

“Right.”

“Because—what, you’re so much a criminal?”

“Well, I am.”

“You stole an essay of mine. Jesus, you make yourself sound as if you should be the bad guy in a Dan Brown book, trying to control the whole world. You stole some words of mine. Oh! And I met David by the way.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, I did. I decided after we talked to see what he was like for myself.”

Meredith tried to think of something pleasant to say. “He’s a nice person, huh?”

Again, Erva was silent for a moment, which made Meredith think she might crawl out of her skin.

“He acts nice, yes. He seemed very polite to me. I asked how he was doing since you’d left, and he told me about sleepless nights. How he’d barely been able to see his clients these few months.”

“Really?” Meredith was completely shocked.

Erva took another slow breath. “See, the thing is I know David’s type. Or maybe I’m projecting my own crap on the David situation, because all I heard was how David was doing. I didn’t actually hear him worrying about you at all, or talking about you. When I mentioned I knew about the Twitter breakup, and probably reporters would know soon too, he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. I called him out on his garbage. I told him I knew he was using the situation for whatever weird purpose he had in mind—probably getting attention. Yeah, I know David really well. I have one like him in my life.”

“You do?”

“My mom.” Erva’s voice was hard, but under it Meredith sensed the fragility of a little girl chasing after her mommy, just wanting love.

“I’m so sorry, Erva.”

“Thanks.” She sniffed. “So, let’s get back to the subject: you broke up with a cute Irish guy because he wants to marry you.”

It felt as if Erva had reached through the hundred plus years and slapped her.

“I think though,” Erva continued with the blows by saying, “you broke up with him because you wanted to beat him to the punch. I think, you think—God, don’t I sound brilliant?—that if he got to know you, he’d break up with you.”

Placing an uneasy hand on her roiling stomach, Meredith nodded, realized she was nodding to a phone, then said, “Yes.”

“So you think you did him some favor by not letting him see this evil side of yours, huh?”

“You know what I am.”

“Do I? And what are you?”

Worthless. A piece of garbage.

“You want to know why I picked you to be my supervisor, Meredith?” Erva asked.

Meredith didn’t know whether she could stand to hear what Erva had to say, but gave an affirming noise, almost a grunt like Jake would make. God, it hurt so much thinking about him.

“After getting accepted into Harvard’s doctorate candidacy, it was up to me to choose who I wanted to be my supervisor. And it was a hard choice. Dean Whittaker is a tough but an amazing historian.”

“Yeah, but I was the one historian on campus with similar expertise as you.”

“True. But I didn’t have to pick you. In fact, I’d been warned by my previous school to avoid an historian with the same expertise, that maybe we’d clash, that our ideas of history would clash.”

Oh, they’d clashed all right. But only because Meredith had become so envious of Erva—the tall, beautiful blonde now blue haired woman everyone adored.

“I watched you teach. That’s why I chose you.” Erva cleared her throat slightly. “I watched you, and I knew...well, I knew I wanted to be your friend. That day you were teaching something about Thomas Jefferson, and he’d written a letter about a woman, calling her a perfect example of the fair sex. Then you asked your class what this meant, ‘fair sex?’ I was surprised so many of your students answered something about women being more fair, having a stronger sense of justice, and being more nurturing. They were saying that the definition of women being the fair sex still applied. Then you asked in your scratchy voice, ‘So what if I have urges like a man? What then? Am I not a woman? What if I want sex as much as a man?’ Your class really liked that you asked that question, but you continued. ‘What if I want revenge as much as a man? What if I want to protect my loved ones as much as a man? Does that mean I’m no longer fair? Therefore, no longer a woman?’