Covered, Part Three (4 page)

The cleaning crew did an amazing job. It was strange after somebody dies how things kick into motion and happen without much help from me.

Insurance called to cover the funeral. Her lawyer called to go over the will. The utility companies called to put everything in my name. Mail still came for her, and slowly but surely it would change to my name and Auntie G would be rolled out of existence except to those who knew her.

Her hot yoga group turned out to be a godsend. I was unable to make decisions or cook for myself those first few days. It turned out I didn’t mind the taste of vegan lentil loaf after all.

Or it just goes well with a side helping of grief. I didn’t know.

Auntie G’s will had been precise. I was given the house, the cats, all her belongings, and her investments. The lawyer was going to go through the paperwork and find out what the current total of the investments would be, but Auntie G was a hippy, not a stock broker. I wasn’t about to quit my day job.

She had even outlined the details of her funeral, thank god. Or goddess, according to the hot yoga group.

The day of the funeral…or celebration of life, as Auntie G decided it should be called, was sunny and perfect. We were all meeting at a little park on the cliffs overlooking the ocean. I’d gotten a special permit to scatter her ashes off the side so she could be spread out over the rocks and water and rejoin the life cycle.

I didn’t know if I was going to be able to do it.

I woke up feeling extremely hollow and extremely alone.

I stood in the middle of her cleared out bedroom for a good hour, communing with her and telling her how much I missed her. That was my celebration of life for her, in private.

I picked up her ashes and drove to the park and was astounded by the turn out. Cars lined the streets for miles, people were walking up as I drove by. I found a spot that Marta had saved for me near the cliffs, got out and was surrounded by well wishers.

Marta and Sylvie stood by my side. Jane and Ethan showed up to lend their support. Robert from the jewelry store was there, Trent was absent. The hot yoga group was there, along with hundreds of people Auntie G had taught, helped, talked to or made friends with over the years.

Never underestimate the social power of the crazy cat lady.

I read her poem, we sung her song, and I had to open the urn to release the ashes. I’d been doing pretty good up to that point, but I lost it then. I did the thing I hated most of all. I cried in public. No, cried would be an understatement. I sobbed my heart out in front of all those people, completely unabashedly and uncaring of what they thought.

Marta helped me open the urn and together we released my aunt. The wind picked her up and I saw her ashes blow across the rocks and all the way to the ocean. It felt freeing, letting her go like that. Even crying in public. All of it freed me from the clotting grief that had been clogging up my heart.

It didn’t replenish my well of positivity though, and I knew Auntie G would think that was a damn shame.

Eventually, I promised myself and her, eventually I would get there again. But not today.

***

People didn’t clear out of the house until the evening. I was exhausted and appreciated the help cleaning up after the luncheon, but wanted to be alone. I waved off Marta’s suggestion that she spend the night, and promised to call her first thing in the morning.

I closed the front door, walked across the living room and curled up on the big velvet chair Auntie G would read in. I pulled her afghan over me and could still smell her on it.

I must have dozed off, because I woke with a start in darkness. I hadn’t turned on the lights before I sat down.

I moved to get up and felt something beside me. I looked up and saw a tall, dark figure.

“I’m sorry,” Trent said and smashed the side of my head.

I woke again, this time a lamp was on and Trent was sitting on the sofa staring at me. He was fidgeting, his legs were jumping and he was chewing his fingernails. He looked horrible, he’d lost weight and his kind, intelligent eyes had been replaced by those of a scavenger, dark and fast.

“I’m sorry, Sarai,” he said again, “but I need information.”

I tried to sit up but my hands were tied and my head throbbed

“Trent, what’s going on? Do you need help?”

“I need money.”

“I have money.”

“Not enough. I need your Aunt’s jewelry.”

“What jewelry?”

“The stuff she had cleaned. That shit is worth a small fortune.”

“What? That old costume jewelry? Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure!” he barked and stood up. He paced the room and looked back and forth nervously.

“Okay, okay,” I replied slowly, “Maybe it’s in her room. Why don’t we go up there and check it out.”

“It’s not in her room!” he screamed at me, “I couldn’t find it the other day!”

It dawned on me what he was saying. He’d been here looking for the jewelry, of course Auntie G would have let him in and even taken him to the kitchen for a cup of tea and a chat.

And Auntie G hadn’t told him where the jewelry was because a lot of it was from my mom. She probably thought she’d be saving it for me. If only she had given in and given it to him, she’d be alive today.

“Did you hurt my Auntie?” I asked him slowly.

He turned and stared at me, his eyes black expressionless pits. “I did, bitch. And I’ll hurt you too unless you fucking tell me where I can find it!” He charged me and I screamed. He straddled me and wrapped his hands around my throat. I choked and cried against him, but couldn’t gasp enough air into my lungs to make a sound.

I felt the edges of my vision grow dark, and my head began to feel light, as though no longer tethered to my body.

“Trent” I desperately tried to say as he choked me harder. His face wasn’t even human at that moment, he was unrecognizable in his rage.

“Tell me where the jewelry is!” he roared.

I couldn’t tell him anything though, and this seemed to anger him more. He squeezed tighter until my eyes felt as though they were popping and I heard the blood rushing in my ears.

I slowly lost consciousness as I felt myself slip away.

“I’m sorry, Sarai,” Gavin sobbed and held me against his chest. I began to gain awareness as he rocked me gently, stroked my hair and begged me to come back to him.

I tried to smile and tell him I was okay, but I couldn’t quite move my mouth. I vaguely remembered Trent being torn off me, gasping huge gulps of air, and seeing Gavin pummel Trent mercilessly.

I struggled up and looked at the corner. Trent was lying in an unmoving heap and I felt myself locked in Gavin’s embrace.

“Sarai?” he asked in a harsh voice, “Will you ever forgive me?”

My mind scrambled wildly trying to figure out what there was to forgive. It came back in a flood, the blog post, being booted from the hotel, my overwhelming obsession with Gavin when I’d returned home.

It all felt so meaningless now, as if it had lost all significance in the time it took me to find Auntie G’s body to the moment Trent had locked his hands around my throat. I didn’t know what my reaction should be, but I did know I barely felt a thing at that moment. Not for Gavin and not for myself.

He rocked me and I heard sirens in the distance. They grew louder and I shut my eyes, letting myself fall back under the darkness that had claimed me.

The darkness that felt so damned good.

***

“Is she going to live?”

I heard Gavin’s voice, the rhythmic beeping of machines, and a hushed background noise.

I was in a hospital.

“She will be fine. She lost consciousness, and I believe she was hit in the head, but we are expecting her to make a full recovery,” a confident man’s voice sounded from near my feet.

“Thank you,” Gavin said. I felt him take my hand in his and put it to his forehead.

“I hope you’ll forgive me,” Gavin said quietly, gripping my hand tightly.

“It wasn’t me,” I mumbled, my voice thick and hoarse.

He froze and seemed to be listening. I tried to open my eyes, but they felt as though somebody had glued them shut.

“It wasn’t me,” I whispered, barely getting the words out.

“Sarai,” he said, his voice cracking, “Oh god, love. I thought I lost you. When I came in and saw him…fuck…I’ll never leave you again.”

I was confused again, I didn’t know why he was in the hospital.

Or was I in the hospital?

I struggled to get up, pushing against him in the process. He mistook my meaning, pulled back and said, “I understand how you might be upset with me, love, but I’m not going anywhere. Never again.”

He took my hand, clutched it to his chest and left it there. I could feel the beating of his heart and with each pulse, it all came back to me.

“No,” I croaked, opening my eyes, “I’m sorry.”

His gaze snapped down and his eyes met mine. “Sarai! You’re awake. Hang on, I’m going to get the nurse.”

He tried to let my hand go, set it down, but I wouldn’t let him. “Don’t go,” I whispered and he didn’t argue. There must have been something in my voice that let him know I needed him to stay.

All the positivity and hope I’d kept clutched to my chest like a poker player was gone now. It had all been taken from me, first with Auntie G’s death and then with the attack.

I remembered the attack. Trent. My friend. My fucked up junkie friend.

Gavin being here, him saving me…it wasn’t filling me up with the same kind of senseless optimism that I’d possessed previously, but he was planting a seed somewhere along the edge of my brittle heart.

The little seed of hope that, if given time, would grow into something much more profound than the meaningless feelings I’d had before. It would grow into a faith in the world based on real life, rooted in reality and love, not based on my school girl fleeting fantasies.

There was nothing romantic about this kind of hope, it wouldn’t be found in any romance novel on the shelves of Marta’s shop. This kind of hope, if it were allowed to grow, would end up becoming the foundation for a new outlook on life.

Gavin’s love would help me grow, it would define me, and it would nourish me until I could hope and love on my own.

Until then I needed him, and that terrified me.

“I missed you,” I whispered and he bent his ear close.

“I missed you too, love,” he whispered back and kissed my cheek. “I was a stupid, stupid man. I let my family dictate my life and I let the media ruin something that was simply the best thing I’d ever had. I knew from the get go that it wasn’t you, but I let everyone around me sway my opinion.”

I tried to speak again, but my throat was too dry and I was too tired. He held up a cup of ice water and bent the straw for me to sip. I felt helpless and ridiculous, but not self conscious in front of him.

Our intimacy had grown to such a level that I was unapologetic about being in this state.

After I drank, I felt a little more revived. I held his hand tight and said, “How did you find me?”

“I heard about Auntie G from Jane. I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you during that time too, love. I will never forgive myself for letting you down.”

“But you saved me,” I smiled, “I think that makes up for anything really. In fact you probably get a free pass on a couple birthdays or Christmases too.”

He laughed and stroked my cheek. “I think we both know I have a lifetime of gifts to give, to make up for this.”

“I forgive you,” I said, “if you forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” he said.

“Same here, there’s nothing to forgive.”

“I love you,” he said, “and nothing will change that now.”

“I love you too,” I replied and closed my eyes. “Now tell me how you saved me.”

“I found out too late about the funeral…”

“Celebration of life,” I corrected him.

He laughed, “Yes, that does sound more like Auntie G. You know I didn’t know her well but I loved your crazy aunt. I loved her for raising you and caring for you.”

“She liked you,” I said.

“I was too late for that, and I didn’t know how you’d react if I showed up afterwards, with all those people there. So I waited until everyone was gone. I got back to your place and saw a light come on in the living room. When I knocked there was no sound, but I thought I heard you scream. That was it for me, the door was open, I came in, saw that piece of shit on top of you and saw red.”

“Where is he now?”

“He’s in jail, and pretty beat up,” he said, “they think he killed Auntie G too.”

“I know he did. He was looking for money, he’s a junkie.”

“Do you know him?” Gavin asked.

“I do,” I said, suddenly feeling embarrassed, as though I’d cheated on him. “I actually hung around him, he is a family friend I guess you could say.”

“Did you date him?” Gavin asked slowly, and immediately added, “No, don’t even answer that, I don’t want to know. I don’t deserve to know.”

“I didn’t,” I said, “Auntie G insisted I go out because I was moping over you, but it was clear from the first ten minutes that we were only going to be friends.”

“Some friend,” Gavin said, sorrow in his voice, “None of this would have happened if…”

“Don’t finish that train of thought,” I said, pushing myself up, “It happened. Nobody but Trent is to blame. Remember that.”

Gavin’s jaw clenched and I saw a tic appear, a small cord of muscle that twitched as he ground his teeth. “I love you for saying that,” he told me, “but I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself.”

“Why don’t you just stick around and find out then? Maybe after a hundred amazing birthday presents or backrubs or…” my voice trailed off and my cheeks flamed red.

“Or what?” he asked, intrigued and amused at my reaction.

“Or orgasms,” I said in a low voice. “Maybe if you make me come like a million times, you’ll learn to move on.”

“I’m up for that challenge,” he said and leaned over to kiss me.

My lips were dry, but he didn’t seem to mind. It felt foreign at first, having him kissing me again, but I soon warmed up to it.

I almost felt guilty wanting him so much, wanting this pleasure while my aunt’s ashes were scattered along the rocks by the ocean.

But her voice echoed in my head, to be positive and to be happy. I knew above all else, living life in the shadows would be disrespectful to everything she stood for.

Living like this, in the bright sunlight in the middle of my life in Gavin’s arms, that’s what she would have wanted. She’d want that for me, and I owed it to her to let it happen.

So I let the events of the past few days shed from me like a lizard sheds its skin. I let myself melt into Gavin’s arms and I let myself feel the love flow over me.

I loved him, he loved me, and we’d finally found each other again.

And that put things in a pretty damn positive light.