Courage in the Kiss (31 page)

Four Days Later

Hadley didn’t leave her room for days. And, in all that time, Maxx didn’t leave her side. He couldn’t.

The guilt of not being at that appointment with her weighed heavily on his shoulders and haunted his dreams at night.

In between refusing meals and small sips of water, that Maxx had to insist she take, Hadley spoke of the appointment and what happened. She cried every time, even admitting that the young woman, Eden, that she’d been sitting with had come out of her appointment and thanked her for being a lucky charm. Her results had come back clear and she’d been convinced that Hadley’s fears would be unfounded.

But not even that woman stayed to keep Hadley company.

She’d been alone, all because some idiot had clogged up traffic and stopped Maxx from reaching her in time.

He still worried sometimes when he was sleeping, that he might have come back to a completely different scene in the bathroom if he’d just been five minutes later.

Hadley insisted she hadn’t been trying to drown herself with so much water, despite lying with half of her face practically immersed in it. She said that she hadn’t been paying attention when she filled it or when she got in.

It didn’t help Maxx. He had nightmares of coming back too late, of finding her dead, sometimes with a note that said she wanted to be with their baby. Their son.

That had been something else Hadley shared with him. She’d been on her way out of the examination room, when she asked Dr. Stein whether they’d been having a boy or a girl. Neither were sure why it mattered, but it seemed to make the loss more real.

They hadn’t just lost a baby; it was no longer an unknown entity with an uncertain future. It was their little boy. A boy who could have grown up to love rugby or football, to be an artist like his mother or a businessman like his father. He might have surprised them all and become something entirely different. Now they’d never know.

Maxx reluctantly opened his eyes and turned over, only to find that Hadley wasn’t in bed, where she should be.

He looked across at the clock and swore, as he realised it was nearly ten o’clock. The alarm for nine hadn’t gone off to wake him.

He rushed out of bed, scrambled into some clothes, and raced through the house, looking for Hadley. Her D&C was today, but she was nowhere to be found and her appointment was in half an hour.

Furious that she’d left without him, he jumped into the Mustang and high-tailed it out of the garage and down the road. He wouldn’t let her go through this alone. Not again.

Hadley was sitting in the waiting room, staring at the wall ahead of her, when Maxx walked into the clinic and finally found her. He was so overcome with relief that he couldn’t stay angry with her.

He took his seat beside her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “Have you been seen yet?” he asked, making sure he hadn’t missed another appointment.

Hadley shook her head, then sank into him with a sigh of relief. “No. I just got here,” she explained.

“Why did you leave without me?” Maxx wondered, afraid that she blamed him for everything that had happened over the last few months. He wasn’t sure he’d disagree with her, but he’d rather know if she didn’t want him around.

“You were sleeping,” she whispered as she lay her head against his chest and reached up to grasp his shirt.

He let out a sigh and lay his head against hers. “I don’t care if I was knocked unconscious. You should have woken me, so I could be here with you,” he insisted. He didn’t want her doing things like this alone. He knew she was strong, but no one should have to be this strong.

She started to cry again, her shoulders shaking as she hid her face in his side.

Maxx gently scooped her up and sat her on his lap to hold her tight. Lifting her so easily was just further proof of how little she’d been taking care of herself since they got the news. She was barely eating, hardly sleeping, and only drank because he insisted on it.

“I’m scared,” she confessed suddenly.

He held her tighter and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “I know. I’m scared, too. But we’ll get through this. Together,” he promised.

It took nearly half an hour for them to call Hadley through to the changing rooms. Maxx waited until she’d changed and asked the nurse to fetch him, because he wasn’t sure if she wanted him to be with her or not. Everything was so complicated at the moment that he couldn’t make heads nor tails of anything.

But he was relieved that she’d asked for him. He got to sit by her surgical bed, holding her hand, and got to hear Dr. Stein talking them through everything.

“Hadley, you have time to change your mind. I can send you home and you come back in a week or two to have an induced labour,” he continued, glancing Maxx’s way, as though to include him.

“Baby, what do you want to do?” he asked, letting her make this choice herself. She was the one who had to go through it and live with the choice. He brushed the hair back from her eyes and caught the confusion there, so he decided to give her a few minutes to think. “Doc, what’s the difference?” he asked.

“Well,” Dr. Stein took a seat on a stool and clasped his hands together, “with the induced labour, you’ll get to hold the baby. Hadley will have to deliver him, but you’ll get the experience of holding him. You can take pictures and take your time saying goodbye,” he explained with a soothing voice. “But I’m afraid that a D&C is a little more final. I’ll put you to sleep and he’ll already be gone when you wake up.”

Maxx tried not to well up at the thought of their boy disappearing so suddenly without Hadley even getting to see him. But he also didn’t want to know what it would do to her if the only memory of their son she’d ever have was of him lying in her arms, already dead. It sounded so much more traumatising, that he couldn’t decide what he wanted, never mind what Hadley might want.

“Hadley,” Maxx said, grasping her hand tight. “This is your choice. I know he’s ours, but this is your body and you need to make this choice for you,” he told her, refusing to let her sit back and keep staring at walls.

He understood her grief, because he shared it with her, but she didn’t have a choice in this.

“I don’t want to remember him like that,” she whispered, focusing on him, as her brown eyes welled up. “He’s in here,” she said, holding his hand to her heart. “I don’t need to see him to know that. And if I hold him,” she continued, as the tears slid over her cheeks, “I might not let him go.”

Maxx nodded and brushed her tears away. He didn’t know what to say, so he turned back to Dr. Stein and gave him a nod to go ahead with the procedure. Then he looked at Hadley and offered her a smile. “I’ll be with you the whole time. I won’t leave. And I’ll be here when you wake up,” he promised.

He stood from the seat and kissed her lips, lingering a little as he attempted to keep it together. The ‘surgery’ would take place here, but he didn’t want to get in the way, so he’d agreed with Dr. Stein that he would sit by the window, out of the way.

The surgery was supposed to take around twenty minutes, but with putting Hadley under a general anaesthetic, they’d have to take more time for the pre- and post-surgery aspects.

Maxx sat in his seat, patiently waiting for the doctors, nurses, and anaesthesiologist to get the information they needed, before the surgery. Hadley even had to sign a consent form, which seemed ridiculous, since she’d arranged the appointment.

Over an hour ticked by before they eventually sedated her and he watched Hadley’s beautiful eyes close, giving her some peace from the grief that had consumed her over the last few days.

Watching everything happen, as Hadley lay on her back, her mind numb to the events of the room and her legs up in stirrups, Maxx felt detached from her, for the first time since the business party. They’d become so close since his return home a little over five months ago, and it almost didn’t seem real. They’d had a wild love affair, discovered Hadley was pregnant, and lost the baby, all in five short months.

He zoned out of the procedure, finding it a little more brutal than Dr. Stein had prepared him for. He couldn’t watch Hadley going through this, so he looked away and focused on what happened now.

He and Hadley desperately had to talk, to finally get some things out in the open. And he’d need to have a word with his father about her duties in the house. He didn’t want her to keep working for the family, but she’d only decided to find another job because of the baby. Now that he was gone, she might change her mind.

Or...God forbid...she might actually leave him.

Maxx was lost in his thoughts when Dr. Stein’s hand landed on his shoulder. He looked up and instantly caught the look of sadness, but relief, in the doctor’s eyes. Years of business dealings had taught him how to read micro-expressions and these told him good things.

“Hadley’s fine,” he said, relieving his fears. “The procedure is finished and she’ll be asleep for a while. But you can stay with her, until she wakes. When you’re ready, I’ll come in and do the post-op discussions with her,” he explained, seeming to realise that he was in no fit state to comprehend the details.

“Thanks, doc. We really appreciate all of your help with this,” Maxx admitted, wanting him to know how invaluable he’d been, during all those moments of doubt. He’d been there, on the other end of the phone, every time Hadley had a mental freak out or needed reassurance. Things might not have turned out the way they wanted them to, but Dr. Stein had done everything possible to make their pregnancy bearable.

“I’ll be outside, if you need me,” Dr. Stein replied, with a brief nod and a lingering glance in Hadley’s direction.

Once he left, Maxx moved into the seat by her bed to hold her hand and wait for her to wake up. There was so much he wanted to say, but now wasn’t the right time. There had
never
been a right time.

Hadley woke twice, over the next hour. The first time she woke, she saw him and smiled, before closing her eyes again. The second time, she winced and shifted on the bed with a moan.

Maxx wasn’t sure how much pain she’d be in, so he just held her hand and kept weaving his fingers through her hair to keep it back from her face.

When she finally woke after an hour and a half, desperate to go home and be alone with him, Maxx invited Dr. Stein back into the room.

“How are you feeling?” he asked as he shut the door behind him.

“Tired,” Hadley replied in a small voice.

Dr. Stein grabbed a stool from the side of the room and placed it by the bed to sit down. “Now, I know we went through all the side effects before the surgery, but let me remind you that if you have any heavy bleeding or blood clots, a fever or pain, then you need to contact us immediately,” he said, with a warning.

Maxx nodded. Even if Hadley tried to work through it, he’d make sure to keep an eye on her and drag her to the doctors, if he had to.

“You’ll feel groggy for a while, because of the anaesthetic,” Dr. Stein continued, clasping his hands and letting them rest between his knees. “That’s completely normal, as is some brief nausea or vomiting. If it’s persistent, then call me, even if you’re not sure. I’d rather you were both extra vigilant than ignored something that could be a problem,” he admitted, his gaze lingering on Hadley.

It made Maxx smile. He’d really learned to anticipate her stubborn nature, since they first met. “I promise. I’ll keep an eye on her, and the boys will, too,” he vowed, refusing to let her escape the help she might need. He’d rope Micah and Rowan into it and maybe even Ronnie and Jay, too.

“As for recovery, I want you to rest. Within a few days, you’ll be fine if you want to get back to your normal day-to-day life, but until then, be careful,” the doctor advised. “You may have some cramps or spot bleeding, but that’s all normal. No sex, no tampons, nothing...shall we say, invasive?” he asked, with a faint smile.

Hadley smiled – actually smiled – for the first time in days, as she turned to Maxx and squeezed his hand. “We don’t have to tell your dad about that rule,” she teased, sounding more like her usual self.

“Agreed.” He nodded, choosing not to make a big deal out of it. He was just glad to see that he’d get his Hadley back. Even if it took a while. “Anything else, doc?” he asked, since everything he’d said so far sounded pretty sensible.

“No. Just take it easy...both of you.” Dr. Stein spoke with insistence that sounded more like friendship than a doctor’s order. “This has been a stressful few months for you, and the best thing I can prescribe is time. Stick together, talk about things, and don’t let the sadness swallow you whole,” he advised.

When he stood up, the doctor shook hands with them both, being especially gentle with Hadley, before leaving.

“Well, there’s one thing on his list that I definitely agree with,” Maxx confessed, as he reached up and traced his finger over her forehead to sweep aside a strand of hair. “We really need to talk.”

Hadley looked away, as though in avoidance, but when she turned back, she had a new determination in her eyes. “Okay,” she agreed, her voice strong, but that look warning him that she was ready to crack.

“Later,” he clarified. Then he stretched up and kissed her forehead, waiting for the nurse to arrive and discharge her.

Driving home, Maxx tried to avoid every bump and pot hole, while taking the corners carefully. He could tell that Hadley was uncomfortable, but he didn’t know if it extended as far as pain.

She was quiet, right until they reached the garage and he shut off the engine. She just clutched her bag to her stomach, with her painkillers and prescriptions inside, while walking straight into the house.

Maxx followed slowly, worried that this wasn’t going to be the end of the long hours of crying, silence, and vacancy. This felt like the beginning of a really long road. But he was in this for the long haul, so Hadley could think again if she thought she was going to freeze him out until he walked away.

When Maxx reached his room, he found Hadley standing just inside the door, crying quietly into her bag. He took hold of her shoulders and guided her toward the bed, where she finally lay down, curled around her bag, as if it was something precious.

Very carefully, he pulled the bag away from her and discarded it to the bedside table. Then he pulled a blanket over her and pushed her hair back from her eyes.

“It’s alright to let it out,” he soothed, keeping his voice low and calm. “You don’t have to keep it inside. You’ll just end up breaking down one day and not being able to cope. I’m here with you, Hadley…I can share it with you, if you’ll let me.”

A hand snaked out and grasped his. She pulled his hand tight to her chest, holding it there, until Maxx was forced to get up and climb onto the bed to get comfortable. He lay behind her, curling his body protectively around hers, wishing he could have saved her from this pain.

“Had,” he whispered, knowing it wasn’t the right time, but needing to know. “Do you hate me? I mean, this is all my fault,” he confessed.

“No!” Hadley rushed to answer as she pulled his arm further around her waist. “I don’t hate you. And I don’t blame you, either. It’s not anyone’s fault, although I wish it was,” she explained, quietly.

“I know.” Maxx buried his face in the back of her hair and closed his eyes. He knew exactly what she meant and why she wanted someone to blame. At least if they could be angry with someone, they would have a target for their emotions.

“I love you, Maxx. And, I’m sorry,” she said, tears falling onto the back of his hand.

“Why?”

“Because you never wanted this. You never wanted
me,
but you
did
want the baby,” Hadley explained, tearfully.

Maxx lay his forehead against the back of her head and tried to think of how to answer her, while she was so upset. He needed to speak to her when she was thinking more clearly, so he decided not to say what he’d been longing to say for months.

“Why don’t you rest? Take a few hours to get some sleep?” he suggested, not in the least surprised that she turned over and snuggled into his chest.

“Just for a little while. If you’ll stay with me?” she asked, gazing up at him, as those brown eyes filled with more tears.

“Always,” he promised, tugging the blanket over her shoulders.