Country (27 page)

“I won't sell it now,” Stephanie finally agreed after a two-hour battle that led back to the closets and Chase and even the rusty weights she'd gotten rid of. “But we have to sooner or later. It's just going to sit there.” And she didn't think keeping it was healthy for her, or the kids. He wasn't coming back, for the car or anything else. They had to face it. But they weren't ready, and she was. She was willing to defer selling the car for a while, but not forever. It was a minor victory for Charlotte. They were all fighting to crawl back into the womb of life with their father. And Stephanie wanted to cut the cord. Their needs were different and a constant cause of conflict now.

Charlotte agreed to have dinner with her mother a few days before she left. Stephanie tried to pick a place she'd like. Charlotte wanted the days after that to spend with her friends. And by the time Stephanie drove her to the airport on the day she left, Stephanie felt as though they'd hardly seen each other. It had been a tough summer, full of change and arguments between them. Louise was barely speaking to her, and still angry whenever Stephanie called her. She preferred to send her texts.

Charlotte had opted to stay in the dorms again at NYU, although she had debated about getting an apartment with friends. But her best friends were still in the dorms, so she decided to stay there too. It was exciting to be going back for senior year, and Stephanie was happy for her, and sad that they had spent so little time together, but she knew it couldn't be any different. Charlotte wouldn't let it.

Stephanie hugged her before she went through security, and Charlotte turned back once to wave and smiled at her mother. And much to Stephanie's amazement, she shouted “Love you, Mom!” They were the only kind words Stephanie had heard from her all month. She wondered if what they were going through was just a process, and their way of mourning Bill. Maybe they had to be angry at their mother to get through it. For just an instant, Charlotte looked like the little girl she had been, and then she was gone, and Stephanie drove back to the city. And it was peaceful and calm when she got back to the house. No doors were slamming, no one was shouting or angry at her. No one was staring at her accusingly and telling her what a monster she was, what bad taste she had, or how terrible she looked in a dress or a pair of shorts. It was blissfully peaceful, which made her sad. She had never been happy to see any of her children leave before, and this time she was. The house just wasn't big enough for them both.

Chase called her an hour later. “Is she gone?”

“I came back an hour ago, and I hate to say it, it's a relief.” Thinking about it, she was dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas, when she and Louise would both be home, constantly angry and accusing her of something. “Who ever said having kids was easy?” she said with a rueful smile, as she sat down in her kitchen, enjoying the peace and silence. It was no longer lonely, it was a vast improvement over the tension of the past month.

“How soon can you get your gorgeous ass down here?” He couldn't wait to see her, and the following weekend was Labor Day weekend. He was playing a concert in Memphis and wanted her to come with him. “And I want you to stay as long as you can this time. You don't have to rush back.” And she realized it was lucky she hadn't found a job yet, or she couldn't have gone at all. Maybe Jean was right, and the less busy person had to accommodate the busier one. It made sense. “Can you come tomorrow?” She smiled at how anxious he was to see her. She couldn't wait to see him too, but she was tired and discouraged after her month with Charlotte and her constant accusations and attacks. It had been incredibly stressful. She felt like she'd lost both her daughters as well as Bill.

“Give me a day to get organized here. How about if I come the day after tomorrow, on Tuesday?”

“Fantastic. I'll book the ticket.” She had to fly to Atlanta on Delta and change planes, and he apologized that there was no first class, only business.

“I don't care. You can have them throw me in with the luggage. I'll be there,” she said, smiling. For the month of her daughter's abuse, it had been hard to keep the joyful feeling in their relationship, but Chase hadn't missed a beat, and he was waiting for her now, with a voice filled with excitement.

“I've missed you, Stevie. I can't wait to see you.”

“Me too,” she said, smiling. And for the first time in a month, she didn't feel guilty. She couldn't wait to hold him and kiss him and love him, and he felt that way too. And she knew that she had earned it.

She called Jean and told her she was leaving in two days. She left a message for her therapist, canceling her appointment and told her why, that she was going to Nashville. And she told the shelter she would be gone for a while and would let them know when she was back. And she didn't call Alyson, because she didn't want to listen to her accusations either, about what she felt Stephanie owed Bill and shouldn't be doing. And she went upstairs to pack. She was about to do what Chase said was his big philosophy of life. She was going to seize the moment and the day that life was offering her. Carpe diem!

When Stephanie landed at the Nashville International Airport, Chase was waiting for her as soon as she left the gate area, and he swept her off her feet and spun her around so hard she was dizzy. People watching them smiled even before they realized who he was. And they stood kissing, as people walked around them.

“OhmyGod! I'm so happy to see you!” he said, with an arm around her waist as she beamed. She was just as happy to see him, and felt as though she hadn't seen him in years, instead of just a month while Charlotte was home. And even his dogs welcomed her when they got to the car. He put her two suitcases in the trunk, and stood holding her again for a long moment as they kissed. And then they got in the car to go home. She could hardly wait to be back at his house. He had ordered two huge flower arrangements for her, and there was a bottle of champagne chilling in the kitchen. He couldn't do enough for her.

He played some of the new songs he'd written when they wandered into the studio, and she loved them. And as they sipped the champagne, Sandy bounded into the kitchen and threw her arms around Stevie. It was exactly the opposite of what she was experiencing with her daughters. All the girls did was accuse and criticize her right now. Sandy was thrilled to see her, and Stephanie gave her a huge hug and kissed her on the cheek, and then looked at her in a
conspiratorial,
motherly way. A lot had happened since she'd last seen her.

“So how are things going with Michael?” According to him, things had never been better, and Sandy seemed that way too. She was shy and momentarily embarrassed when she answered.

“He's so good to me, not like Bobby Joe, or any of the others. He takes real good care of me, Stevie. He's so respectful, and we're so happy together.” Stephanie was happy to hear it. Sandy deserved it. She was young, but she was a woman, and she had lived a lot for her age, on the road with her father, and now with Chase, dealing with her own career, its demands and discipline, and learning the ropes of the music business. There was a lot of pressure on her, and she was a sweet person. And it was easy for Stephanie to see why Michael loved her. They were some of the same reasons why she loved Chase—they were real, decent, honest, hard-working, bright, good people. There was a real dignity and integrity to them, a kind of natural nobility that she had come to have a deep respect for, and Michael had discovered too. Stephanie was happy that Michael and Sandy had found each other and had had the wisdom and courage to grab what they'd been offered. And when she saw her son that weekend, the happiness she saw in his eyes confirmed it. He had grown into his manhood over the summer, and she loved the way he treated Sandy. It was obvious how in love they were, just like her and Chase. There was nothing but good vibes around them, not like the tension and manipulations Stephanie had always sensed with Amanda. He tried to come up every weekend, and Stephanie was thrilled to see him, as a bonus for her.

Stephanie and Chase had had a busy week in Nashville before they got on the jet he had chartered to go to Memphis, just as he had when they went to Graceland. The others were going on the bus, but Chase wanted to get there more quickly. He had a dozen deals hanging fire at the moment, and he wanted some time alone with Stevie. He talked to her about what he was doing, and asked for her advice. Although she'd never had reason to use it
professionally,
he found she had a good head for business and a commonsense, pragmatic way of analyzing things, and she was creative about coming up with alternate solutions he hadn't thought of. They complemented each other well, and she was fascinated by his career. There was no aspect of his life he didn't share with her, in sharp contrast to Bill, who had never told her what he was doing and acted as though she wouldn't understand if he talked to her about work. He always implied that the only thing she could do was take care of kids, and he had other people to talk to about his work.

There was not a single aspect of Chase's life that she didn't know about or contribute to in some way, even if just as a sounding board, and he kept telling her she had a gift for lyrics, which she thought was just his way of being nice to her. They talked about everything he was doing, which made her head spin, and he made love to her as no one ever had before. Their love for each other was growing day by day, and she felt totally at ease with his band and in his world, and he loved to tease her about it.

“All you need now, baby, is a tattoo with my name across your chest, with a heart, and my initials on your ass. Now that would be something!” He loved what a lady she was, and how smart she was, and told her constantly how beautiful she was. Stephanie felt as though she had died and gone to heaven, and she found that she really loved Nashville. She drove herself around in the vintage Chevrolet truck he lent her, and sometimes she took the dogs with her. She was becoming a familiar sight around Nashville. He surprised her with a black sequined jumpsuit that was vintage Chanel, he had found it on eBay, and it fit her perfectly when he gave it to her.

“Now you look like a country music star's lady”—He narrowed his eyes, looking at her spectacular body in the jumpsuit that fit her like a second skin—“and maybe a little like Elvis.” She laughed, and she actually wore it in Memphis, and wound up on YouTube, and Louise sent her a nasty text about it, and Stephanie didn't care. She was happy.

The concert in Memphis at the FedExForum was a huge success, and she stood backstage with Michael while they watched Sandy and Chase perform.

“That's quite a look, Mom,” Michael teased her about the jumpsuit, but he had to admit, she looked incredible in it, and not like the mother he remembered in denim skirts and flip-flops from his childhood. It was a whole new image. She felt like a new person, having kept the best parts of the old one, but she was free to be herself now and felt like she was growing every day. And she liked sharing it now with Michael. She had never expected him to be with Sandy, but she suited him to perfection. And when they had minor arguments because Sandy was stressed or tired, or nervous before a performance or after long nights in rehearsal with no sleep, or he was tired after working all week in Atlanta, the arguments always ended with one of them teasing the other out of it, joking about it, or with a kiss. Stephanie loved watching them together.

“It's quite a life, isn't it, Mike?” Stephanie said as they stood backstage together. “They're both so talented. It's hard to imagine being able to do that. I always wished I could be a singer. I wish I had a voice like Sandy,” she said enviously, but with admiration for Sandy's talent.

“You could always take lessons and have some fun with it. You have a nice voice, Mom. I remember when you were in that choir in Marin.”

“I'd feel silly doing it around Chase.” Michael understood that—he felt daunted by Sandy sometimes too. Her singing voice was so huge, it filled the room sometimes. Despite her talent, Sandy looked up to Michael too. They had achieved a good balance of mutual admiration and respect.

The crowd went crazy at the concert in Memphis, Derek had been backstage with a new girlfriend, and they went back to Nashville late that night, with everyone asleep on the bus. And Michael went back to Atlanta on Sunday. The following week, Stephanie and Chase went to one of the playoff games with the Braves, and they took Sandy with them on a private plane. Sandy stayed in Atlanta for a few days with Michael, and Stephanie and Chase came back on the plane after the game. Chase was a big sports fan, and went to the World Series and the Super Bowl every year, and before they left, he had promised to take Michael with him.

“Thank you for being so nice to my son,” she said as they flew back to Nashville. It was the end of September by then, and she'd been there for a month, and it was beginning to feel like she always had been. She had no plans to go home, and no reason to, and he made her so comfortable in his Nashville life. He was in the process of planning a tour in the spring to cover a dozen major cities. He hadn't toured for a while, and his manager thought he should. And there was a promoter offering him a fortune to do it, although he had told Stephanie that tours like that were grueling, but it was part of his business.

He told her about the business meetings he had coming up that week, as they flew home from Atlanta. It was a long list, and he said he hoped she'd come with him. He teased her sometimes that she had become his new partner. She went everywhere with him.

“I don't want you to get tired of having me around, or feel you have to take me to all your meetings,” she said when they talked about it.

“I never get tired of having you here, Stevie.” She kissed him when he said it, and she never got tired of him either, but by the time she'd been there for six weeks, she realized that everything they did was about his work and his career, his recordings, his rehearsals, his photo shoots, his plans, his concert tour, his interviews. She didn't mind it being all about him, and he included her in all his major decisions, but she felt she was losing her own self again. She was his shadow and nothing more. She had nothing to contribute other than her presence and her love, and no life of her own. Nothing to confirm to herself who she was.

She tried to express it to him, but he didn't hear her. He just kept telling her how important she was to him, and no woman in his life had ever meant as much to him, as they went from one meeting to the other. She was with him at everything he did, but he had the talent and the career, and she felt as if she were along for the ride. All she added to his life, as far as she was concerned, was the fact that she loved him. It didn't feel like enough in exchange. She needed something more to do than helping him pick what shirt he wore to a photo shoot, or what outfit he wore on stage at a concert, or select what photograph worked best on the cover of a CD. She loved it, but it seemed like too little for her to do. And by mid-October she was starting to look distracted and unhappy.

“What's wrong, baby?” He had been sensing for weeks that something was bothering her, although she never complained to him. She felt like she was losing her identity again. She had been the boring wife and carpool mom of a lawyer for twenty-six years, and now she was the girlfriend of a big music star, wearing sequins. What had really changed? She tried to make his life better in countless ways, but always felt it wasn't enough.

“Maybe I need to go home for a while, and try to figure out who I am,” she said to Jean in one of their early morning conversations. She had been struggling with it since Bill's death eight months before, and she still didn't have the answers. She was wondering if she ever would. She had taken the wrong fork in the road years before when she gave up having a career when she married Bill, and now it was too late at her age. She had no special talent. There was no business she wanted to start. She had no job experience, so she had nothing to sell in the job market. All she could do was what she was doing for Chase, follow him around and look adoring. It didn't feel like enough to her, even if he was happy. She explained it all to him again, and he looked worried.

“Do you feel like I don't respect you?” That was the last thing he wanted, because he did, a lot, but she was quick to shake her head.

“God, no! I just feel like a bimbo, and I am losing myself in your life.”

“You give me the strength and inspiration to do what I do, which is an incredible gift to me. I'd be nothing without you, Stevie. Or I'd be the half man I was before.”

“That's not true, and you know it.”

“Yes, it is,” he said emphatically. He had already written half a dozen songs to her and said they were his best songs. “You need to feel loved if you're a creative person, to keep the juices flowing. I know you love me. That's a first for me. I was limping along until you got here.” It made her feel important to him, and she knew she was, but she still felt she was shortchanging him and herself. She needed to offer more and bring more to the table than styling his photo shoots, loving him, and inspiring his songs. She wanted to be more than just his muse.

“You deserve better than that, Chase.” He didn't like the look in her eyes when she said it.

“What are you saying?” His blood ran cold as he asked the question. He was afraid of the answer. What if she left him? He was as insecure as the next guy, despite his good looks and his stardom. And people were unpredictable. You could never predict human nature.

“I don't know. I've been thinking I should go home for a while, and figure out who I am and how to contribute to your life in a meaningful way, without losing myself. Maybe I'll never figure it out. Maybe I'm just meant to be someone standing on the sidelines, cheering. Maybe all I am is a natural fan, and no one in my own right. But I want to be more than that, Chase. I owe it to you and to myself. I need to find my place in the world and in your world. I need some time.” This was all so new to her.

“You want to go home?” He looked heartbroken as she nodded sadly. She knew she had to. She was losing herself again in his identity, and couldn't find her own.

“For how long? A couple of weeks or forever?” He looked frightened as he asked.

“I don't know,” she said honestly. She didn't want to promise something she couldn't deliver. And she felt like she had a lot of soul-searching to do. She had been a wife and mother for more than half a lifetime. And now she had become a kind of professional girlfriend to a rock star. But who was she in all that? And what did she have to give? She needed to find the answer.

“Shit, Stevie, I'm going to be lost without you. You can't leave me now.” But he knew she could, and it sounded like she was going to.

“I have to, or you're just going to wind up with some dumb bimbo on your hands who helps you pick your shirts out, or listens to your concert tour plans. You deserve a whole person. And I want to be that person. I just have to figure out how to get there.”