Count on Me (18 page)

“You must remember that just because you have this, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t a social being. It just means that you are dealing with severe anxieties in those particular settings. There are various techniques and therapies we can try in order to help you manage it. There is also the road of medication, but that is not a road I want to put you on right at the beginning. I want to start small.”

“Can I ask you something personal?”

“You can ask me anything, Isabelle. I am here to help you as much as I can.”

“Not that long ago, I started dating someone
and I can text him, even write to him, but I still can’t talk to him, no matter how hard I try to do it. I don’t want to talk to anyone else, but with him, it’s all I want to do. Will I ever be able to do that?”

“With time, that is what I hope to accomplish. I won’t sit here and tell you that it’s going to happen overnight, because it won’t, but if we work at it, I hope to get you to a point where you’ll be able to open up.”

“Is it happening because I’m not comfortable with him?”

I know how the question sounds, but I need to ask it. With everything that Kayden and I have been through, the switch in gears from being nonexistent, to his girlfriend
, is huge for me. As much as I care about him, I still remember the way he was toward me before and I’m wondering if because of that, I’m stopping myself from opening up completely.

“It very well could be.
When you are at home, you feel safe. There is nothing to fear. It is the perfect environment for you. When you’re not there, things become that much harder. If I may ask you, is your boyfriend understanding of the way things are?”

He’s not asking the right person this question, but since I didn’t even tell Kayden I had this appointment, it’s not like he
can ask him. The way he’s been with me, it stands to reason that he understands, but I can’t be sure. Not without coming right out and asking him myself.

“I think he is, but I don’t really know.”

“Do you feel safe when you’re with him?”

“Yes.”

“Well that’s good to hear. That is what you need to surround yourself with. I do believe that in order to move forward in treating this, you feeling comfortable and safe needs to be our top priority.”

I have no idea if he re
alizes it or not, but he’s giving me hope. I felt lost before, stuck even and now that I know what I’m going through, I feel stronger than I did before I walked in.

If Dr. Stevens believes that we can treat this and that one day I’ll be able to speak again, then it
means all is not lost. I’m not a lost cause and I might even be able to do things the way normal people my age do, even if I’m still different.

As he makes his way from the office with the pr
omise of a phone call about next steps, there’s only one thought running through my head and it’s so strong it makes me move faster than I’ve ever done before in an effort to get home.

I can’t wait to tell Kayden.

Kayden

Pulling onto my street and slowing down to a crawl, I feel torn.

In a couple of seconds I’m going to have to make a choice. Go to my girlfriend’s house and get answers so I can slow my mind down or turn into my own driveway, go home and face another night with the brother from hell. It should be an easy decision, but nothing about this is easy.

I want the comfort that being around Isabelle brings, especially when it’s time
spent with her entire family, but being unable to shake the uneasy feeling inside of me, I’m not sure it’s where I should be right now. If this was any other person, I would have said screw it and gone home, sat down with Dean and gotten drunk, but she’s not some other person.

As I make the
decision, my phone starts buzzing off in the passenger seat. Reaching over and grabbing it, I see the flashing notification on my screen and I know that I made the right choice after all.

It’s a text from Isabelle and even though I have no idea what it says, just the fact that she’s messaging me at all gives me everything I need. I have a feeling that no matter what choice
or decision I’m faced with in my life, it’s always going to end with her.

Pulling into her driveway and putting the car in park, I swipe until I’m back in my messages and I finally read her words.

How much longer until I get to see you?

Smiling, I lay on the horn. It lets out three s
hort blasts and I turn it off. I see the front door open and she’s running out the door and across the lawn toward me. Pulling the seatbelt off as quickly as possible, I slide myself from the car, slamming the door behind me, opening my arms just in time to catch her as she dives toward me.

Well this isn’t at all what I expected when I got here.

“Well, hello to you too.” I choke out through my laughter. “Looks like I wasn’t the only one missing someone.”

She pulls back
and shakes her head which I hope means she missed me too.

The way I feel about Isabelle has never had anything to do with the way she looks. It’s just impossible to be that shallow and one track m
inded when I’m with her. There’s no denying that she’s beautiful. The way she looks now, I see that she shares a lot of the same features as her mother. From the blonde hair and blue eyes, to the shortened height and tiny hands, it’s almost like the two of them could be twins.

It’s her eyes that I focus on the most, even though her peach colored lips hold their own separate kind of appeal. They’re a light blue, like the sky on a spring day before the clouds get in the way. They’re reflective and every second that I stand here stari
ng at them, I can see reflection and the way I look when I’m completely absorbed in her. If it’s possible for a person’s heart to shine through their eyes, then that’s Isabelle right now.

Pressing my lips to hers
, I allow myself to take in not only the softness that I’ve been missing for hours, but also the scent. It’s peaches and cream this time. Every day is a new experience when I get to smell her, but this one might be my favorite. She really is good enough to eat and just admitting that makes me sound like such a chump.

“So,” I ask
breaking away from the kiss, watching as she laces her fingers through mine. “You gonna tell me what that welcome was about?”

She squeezes my hand once, telling me yes and then lifting our hands she points to the house. Well, if she wants to tell me something and she wants to do it inside, I’m more than willing to go along with it. Not only have I been dying to see her again, but I’m also curious to know why she seems so damn happy all of a sudden.

It’s only when we’re both locked inside and sitting around the kitchen bar that she passes the paper across to me and I see the words she’s written there. The minute I do, my heart drops in my chest.

So, I went to the doctor today.

I knew she was hiding something from me, but I had no idea it was something medical. I thought that maybe she was starting to regret agreeing to come to the game or that she really didn’t want to go to the dance after all, definitely not this. Is something wrong with her? I didn’t even know she was sick. The questions flood my mind and I close my eyes in an effort to force them to stop.

She’s happy right now; I need to focus on that. Nothing else matters.

“When?”

Her answer as usual is quick, something I’ve come to expect from her. She is definitely a writer.

After school. I know that you’re gonna figure out I lied to you and I’m sorry for that, but I had to do it.

Isabelle, my Belle, lied to me. I can’t seem to see anything else on the page but those words. It’s not a big lie and judging from the way she’s been acting since I showed up, I know I shouldn’t focus on it, but I can’t stop myself. It’s just something that I never thought her capable of doing.

Maybe she’s not so different from me after all.

“Why did you go there? Are you sick?”

Well duh Kay, I’m autistic, of course I’m sick.

There’s not a damn thing funny about that, but the happy face steadies me. She’s attempting to make a joke and I need to see it for what it is and not overreact. She’s the one that’s actually dealing with this and I’m the one losing my shit. How wrong is that?

“You didn’t answer my question.”

I went to talk to my doctor about what’s wrong with me.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

She blushes and it turns me inside out. Even when her cheeks are completely red, she’s gorgeous. I wasn’t trying to say anything sweet, but her reaction shows me that it’s just something I do easily when it comes to her. I hope it’s something I get to do forever.

Kay, it’s about my speech problems.

“What about them?”

I wanted to know what’s wrong with me. I wanted to see if there’s a way that I can talk again.

“Did he tell you something good? Is that why you’re so happy?” I ask, even though it’s not the question I really want an answer to. I want to know why she felt she had to keep it from me.

She nods and then starts scribbling on the paper, but this time she’s taking her time, almost as if she’s making sure she gets everything out.

“Can you also tell me why you felt like you needed to hide it from me?” I ask as she’s pouring her heart out on the page. She looked like she was about to stop once the words came out, but just as quickly as she paused, she started again. It’s only when she slides the paper over and I see she answered both that it makes sense.

He told me what’s going on with me. It actually has a name and there are treatments for it, ones that have nothing to do with medication. He’s going to call me in a day or so with a plan moving ahead, but Kay, I’m happy because it means there’s hope. I’m going to be able to talk to you.

I didn’t tell you because it was something that I needed to do on my own. I didn’t even tell my mom. You have so much to worry about with the game; I didn’t want to take your focus away.

I’m sorry.

As much as it touches me, her thinking about me and what I need to do, she doesn’t have a sweet clue what actually matters to me these days. Football might have been my life before, but that was bef
ore she walked back into it. She isn’t my entire world, but she’s damn close.

If she’
s facing something as big as what she just told me, the last thing I want is for her to go through it alone. I’m glad that it’s good news and trust me, seeing how hopeful and happy she is makes me happier than a pig in shit, but if it hadn’t been, she would have been completely alone, something I swore she would never be as long as I’m here.

“Belle...you really don’t get it do you?”

Get what?
She writes quickly, her eyes locked on mine, searching for some sort of understanding of what I mean.

“I don’t give a shit about practice or focusing on what I need to do on the field. What I do care about is you and making sure that you’re okay. That’s all that matters to me. If you just told me about this, I would have been there for you.”

I know which is why I couldn’t do that. You would have dropped everything and this game is super important, Kay. It’s your future. I know scouts are gonna be there. I heard Coach talking about it before I left.

“Eight years, Isabelle. Eight years I spent trying to forget you exist. I called you names, made other people treat you like shit and honestly, I didn’t care about you at all. Eight years is what I’ve got to make up for now. So yeah, I would have dropped all of it, if it meant being there for you the way I should have been from the start.”

I’m so sorry, Kayden.

“You still don’t get it. I’ll try and explain again.” I say, desperate for her to understand. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I do. You were thinking of me and I love you for that, but next time, just tell me, even if you don’t want me there.”

I always want you there.

It doesn’t slip my mind that I just said I love her, but that’s the last thing I’m focusing on now with what she just wrote on the page.

“Then there is where I’ll always be.”

Chapter Twenty

Belle

I’m the one that was asked to the game, but it’s obvious from the way Tristan can’t sit still that he believes it’s him. My mom isn’t much better either, humming and smiling all over the house, making sure that we’ve got everything laid out for later.

I know going to the dance is a pretty big deal for her since it’s my first one and all, but does she really need to act like she’s the one that’s been asked? At least with Tristan I expect it, he’s six. With her though, it’s Freaky Friday and we’ve swapped spots.

“You sure you don’t want me to hang around until after the game? You’re gonna need a ride back to get ready, so it seems like I should.”

That’s the third time she’s asked that, but this time, Tristan answers her before I do. It looks like he doesn’t want her there either.

I love my mom, I do and I know that it’s been a really rough road getting to this point for all of us, but this is something I need to do on my own.

It’s hard to explain but I’m tired of living the way I have been. For years I liked having her there with me when I had to do new things, but that’s starting to change. I guess I’m growing up now, even though for most people it happened years before.

It’s not that I want to do this alone because I don’t, but I need to.

Yesterday, seeing Doctor Stevens is when I realized it. I’ve never been to a doctor’s appointment on my own before. She was always with me and with the way she fights for me so strongly, I always just let her. I’m seventeen now though. I don’t want to always need my mom. I have to stand on my own two feet. I have to finally give her a chance to live the life she’s been putting off for so long.

“Belle doesn’t need you, Mommy. She’s got me.”

Tristan may only be six, but he’s an old six. Just like he was the only one until Kayden that could really make me smile, he’s also that way when it comes to being protective. The first time he ever stood up for me it was against our Mom and since then, it’s never stopped.

He’s right; I don’t need her because I do have him, even if it should be the other way around and be me protecting him.

“So, I’ll just drop the two of you off and head out for coffee then. You can text me when you’re ready to come back.”

There’s sadness in her tone, almost as if she feels left out. Maybe it’s not that at all and she’s just worried about me taking the steps away from her constant supervision. Whatever it is, I don’t like it and the last thing I want to hear from her, especially tonight, is sadness. This is a big moment for all of us, even if she did just spend the last half hour dancing around our house like a crazy person.

“I’ll text you the minute it’s done.” I say smiling brightly at her. “It’s all going to be fine.”

That’s not exactly the truth, but for now it’s going to have to do. I’m going to the school to see Kayden play football for the first time. Kayden, my boyfriend, the one person in the world besides the two people in this room that wouldn’t let anything happen to me. Of course everything would be alright.

He won’t allow it to be any other way.

“When did you get that?” sh
e asks motioning to the arm of the sofa where Kayden’s jacket sits. “Did he give that to you when he was here last night?”

Before I can answer her, Tristan grabs her attention, pointing to the jersey he’s wearing and I can’t help but laugh at his excitement.

“Yeah, he gave it to me last night. He wanted me to wear it tonight. Once he heard how excited Tristan was to go though, he made sure he also got something to wear tonight, as you can see.”

“Are you sure your brother’s not the one dating him?”

“Not sure. With the way he’s jumping all over himself, I’m thinking he might be.”

“Well alright then. Since Tristan has his boyfriend’s jersey and you’ve got his letterman jacket, it looks like we’ve got everything we need. You ready to go?”

I nod and stand up from the sofa, making sure to pull Kayden’s jacket with me. I definitely can’t forget this tonight, especially not after what he said to me before he let me have it.

“Most guys on the team, they give these to their girls to get them off their back. That’s not the way I look at it. I want you to wear this because everyone needs to know who the real star of the team is, and it’s not me.”

He doesn’t realize it, but when he said those words, I knew for sure.

I’m in love with him.

Kayden

Tonight is one of the biggest nights of my life and I’m scared shitless.

It’s not the first time that college scouts have shown up at games, I mean they’ve been doing that since my freshman year, but tonight it’s not only about the scouts. It’s also the first time I’m going to have my girlfriend watching me play.

People can say that my future depends on how I play tonight because in the end it will determine if I get a scholarship to play ball, but that’s not true at all. My future depends on tonight, sure, but it’s not because of the scouts. It’s because of her.

Every single vision I have of the way I am in the future, she’s a part of. I’m not sure exactly when that happened but I like it. I want her there. I’ll play my ass off tonight, talk to some of the scouts and make a road map to my future, but none of it matters at all if she’s not there. I see meeting her after classes next year, going on dates with her, playing football and having her there cheering me on. It’s crystal clear in my mind.

It’s damn near perfect.

I’m not scared of any of that though. I’m scared because this is the first real event I’ve taken her to. Sure, I’ve hung out with her every single day, but we’ve always been alone. I’ve never taken her on a real date and this, tonight, is as real as it gets. The whole damn school already knows how I feel about her, what she means to me, but tonight the entire world or at least the entirety of Wexfield, is gonna know it.

How she’s going to handle that is what scares me. She seems different lately, stronger even and I want to take credit for that, but I can’t. Her keeping the doctor’s appo
intment from me just proves it. She did all of that on her own and even seemed happy after it, which is a way that I’ve never seen her. Isabelle is different now and it’s got nothing at all to do with me, it’s all her.

A high school football game though, even the st
rongest person in the world, one that doesn’t struggle with anything the way she does, can break at one of these things. I only hope that it goes off the way I want it to and she enjoys herself. I want her to look back on everything one day and realize that these really were great times, just the way she said in her letter.

I’ve been trying
my best to keep my head in the game, focusing on exactly what I’m going to need to do on the field, but I can’t. It always seems to come back to her and how eager I am to see her when she finally gets here. How it’s going to feel, looking up in the stands and seeing her there, along with her little brother, smiling down at me.

She doe
sn’t realize it, but a couple days ago I took a video of her. She thought I was taking a picture and I just let her believe it, but I taped her as she did the most mundane things. That’s what I’m looking at now. That’s my pre-game ritual. Watching her run her fingers through her hair, the wind blowing it in a million different directions and her laughing as it does. The way those eyes of hers lock straight on me for a split second and she smiles so bright that I’m sure she’s giving the sun a run for its money.

Yeah, I’ve got it pretty damn bad.

I’ve been playing her voice file a lot, but not because of the laugh anymore. I have her laughing in the video and that suits me just fine. I listen to this file because she made it for me. She stepped out of her comfort zone that day, doing something I’m pretty damn sure she’s never done and in doing it, changed the course of everything.

She changed the course of me.

I wish I taped her last night before I left. Giving her my jacket, knowing what it means, at least what it means to everyone at school was a huge thing for me, but no one deserves to wear it more than her. I meant what I said. She really is the star and I need everyone to see that, just the way I do.

It was
so huge on her that I debated taking it back, but by the end of the night she wouldn’t let me. You couldn’t see her hands, unless she rolled the sleeves up a dozen times but she didn’t seem to care. She just laughed every single time she did it as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

I’m still blown away by the way everything’s happened with us. How one day, I went from not even registering her existence, to being completely consumed by it. The way she said my name that one day changed the course of forever for me. When I’m with her, everything feels like it’s the way it’s supposed to be.

If Isabelle Reagan can take a guy like me, turn him into someone worthy of respect, then it’s mind blowing to think about what she can do for the rest of the world. Or even what we could do for it together.

We might be able to change it.

Belle

We’ve been here for ten minutes and I can
already feel eyes on me, no matter what way I turn.

This is actually what I expected when I got here. I hoped that because I had Tristan with me, it might have been a little bit different, but I knew it would still happen. People can’t figure out what the retard is doing here, wearing one of the players jackets no less. It’s wrong to them because it’s not normal.

Wearing Kayden’s jacket is sort of like putting a big old bull’s-eye on my back, but there’s no way I’m taking it off. It might only be a jacket to some people, but I can tell with the way he gave it to me, it’s something more so I’m going to wear it proudly. Even if doing it earns me death glares from practically every person here.

The sad reality is, it’s not just the people I go to school with that are doing it. It’s their parents too. Their noses are all turned up at me, like be
cause of my diagnosis; I’m an alien to them. I’m not like their sons or daughters so that means I’m not worthy of respect. It’s been like this forever and no matter how hard my mom fights, it never changes.

“Stupid people, their faces are gonna get stuck that way.”

I hear what Tristan’s saying, but I don’t register exactly what he means until I turn and see what he’s looking at. Amy’s parents are about three rows up behind us and just like their daughter does when she’s at school, they’re sneering in our direction.

I hate that he has to see this. With him being in the elementary school, he’s separated from me for the whole day, so he’s safely kept away from what I deal with. I want it to stay that way. He deserves better then to be judged because of who his sister is.

“Come on, I see Kayden.” I say, ignoring what I’ve just seen and pointing to where I see Kayden making his way toward us.

“Yes!” he yells and I can’t help but laugh. It seems like Mom
was right earlier. Kayden might be dating the both of us after all. It’s actually the first person I’ve seen Tristan get close to besides me. It’s nice.

“You’re here.” Kayden says the minute he reaches us, immediately wrapping me up into his arms, before rea
ching down and shaking his hand through Tristan’s hair. “And you brought the midget too.”

“Pfft,” Tristan scoffs. “I’m so gonna grow up and be bigger then you, just watch.”

“Sure you are buddy. I can’t wait to see that.”

He turns his attention back to me and places a soft kiss on my nose.

“I’m so glad you’re here and that you’re wearing this.” he whispers as he fingers the sleeve of the jacket that’s securely wrapped around me. “I know how weird this is for you.”

There was a time not that long ago when he would say words like ‘weird’ or ‘stupid’ and it would bother me, but now it’s like I know he doesn’t mean them the way everyone else does. I don’t flinch at them anymore and he doesn’t react the way he used to. We’ve both come such a long way with each other.

“I need to get back down there, but Isabelle, thank you for doing this. You being here, it’s everything.”

He kisses my lips gently before again patting Tristan on the head, beaming his smile down at him and before I know it, he’s gone and we’re left alone again.

“Kayden is awesome!”

“Yeah, but don’t tell him that. He’ll never let us forget it.” I whisper before we take our seats in the stands. As uncomfortable as it is having all of these eyes on me, I’m actually glad I did come because the look that Kayden had before he went bac
k down to the field is one I want to see him wearing always. It’s one that he hasn’t worn much at all in the eight years since we stopped talking.

I’m not naïve e
nough to believe I’m the whole reason for it, but if my being here, especially wearing his extremely oversized jacket, contributes at all to what he’s feeling right now, I’m happy to do it. He’s given me so much since he rescued me that first day. Any chance I have to pay it back, I’ll take.

“Oh look Char, the freak is here.”

“Gross, they’re gonna have to disinfect that area when she leaves.”