Count It All Joy (22 page)

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Authors: Ashea S. Goldson

BOOK: Count It All Joy
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Chapter Thirty-seven
Alex
 
I longed for the days when I was working at Missionary Bible Institute. At least there were interesting people to talk to, and there was always Marisol to make me laugh. I missed having someone to talk to during the day. I even missed Seger, even though I didn't dare tell Joshua this. He had a funny way of starting his day at the job by stopping by everyone's desk with a joke for the day, and he'd always liven things up when things got too boring by starting controversial conversations. Marisol loved his corny jokes, but I loved his momentum. He always knew the right thing to say at the right time. He wasn't just an admissions director, he was a day-saver I thought to myself. But there was no need thinking about the job when I was no longer allowed to work. I was just stuck in the house with Lilah and the nicely decorated walls of our modern apartment. Sure, Joshua and Taylor would call to check in on me from time to time, but it wasn't the same. They were both busily working, and I had nothing. There was nothing like face-to-face interaction. Even though I wasn't the most social person in the world, I missed that.
So, against doctor's orders, I left that morning about an hour after Joshua went to work. I crept out of bed, took a fast shower, and pulled on a pair of maternity jeans and a big sweatshirt. Then I walked slowly downstairs to the parking garage and found myself in my carnation-pink Pontiac Sunfire. I drove down to the Push It Center. I was starting to love that place almost as much as Taylor did.
“Hi,” I said as I approached my sister.
Taylor reached up from her wheelchair and hugged me. “What are you doing here?”
I twisted my lips. “Wow, I feel
really
appreciated.”
“You know what I mean.” She looked serious. “You're supposed to be at home and off your feet.”
“I'm okay, and I'm not going to be here that long,” I said, feeling like a child who had been reprimanded.
I wanted to help Taylor get the center off the ground before the baby came and before I started my graduate courses in the summer. It would be a combination of the new management grand opening and the launch of the young women's ministry workshops.
Since the Push It Fitness Center was a haven for young women, I knew it was a good idea to have the young women's workshops held there. The environment went right along with our commitment to women's health. It was also good for Taylor's business. Emotional fitness and physical fitness; I knew it was a match made in heaven.
Aunt Dorothy and Sister Trudy were already there volunteering, and everyone questioned my presence. I gave the same response as they each gave me the same suspicious look. Even Marisol called to confirm she would be able to lend a hand since she'd be there that evening for her tai chi class anyway. Keith painted and put up the banner. I put my hands on my hips and smiled, knowing we were almost ready to launch the women's ministry in its new location. Then I turned and saw him walk in.
“Seger. What are you doing here?”
Taylor rolled by and whispered, “Stalker.”
“I was in the neighborhood. While I was driving by I happened to see your car.”
“And you knew it was mine?” I smiled. “Of course, a pink car stands out in Brooklyn.”
“Anyway, I just thought I'd stop in for a minute and say hello.” Seger tried to give me a hug, but I grabbed his hand and squeezed it instead.
“Oh, well, it's nice to see you.” I wondered what made this man so bold. Why was he still stopping by even for a minute when it was clear that his presence was causing unnecessary friction? Joshua was stuck at the bank for the next five hours, so I wasn't worried. But I wished Seger would stop taking chances.
“Is something wrong, Alex?”
“No, not at all. We're just very busy right now finishing up the final details for this project.”
“That's great. That's your dream, right?”
“Right.” I smiled because Seger was always so understanding and attentive to my needs. I remembered discussing my dream with him when we were in Kenya serving.
“We miss you down at work. In fact, aren't you supposed to be at home in bed now?”
“Actually, yes. I try to get out at least for a couple of hours per week. Nothing strenuous though. Just overseeing,” I explained.
“I see.”
“I miss you guys too,” I giggled. “Marisol keeps me up on all the goings-on of the office.”
Seger grinned. “You mean the gossip?”
“I try not to go there, but you know Marisol.” I shook my head.
“Yes, I do,” Seger nodded. “She's got a mouth on her—”
“Right, that's my girl,” I said.
“Anyway it's pretty boring there without you.” Seger's eyes seemed to dance with excitement.
I threw my head back and laughed hard. “Now, I don't believe that at all. Not with Marisol, Dr. Harding, Professor Daniels, old what's his name on the harmonica, and—”
“None of them can compare to you.” Seger became serious. “You're a lot of fun, Alex.”
“Well, thanks, but I won't be coming back to work. It'll be too much for me. Besides, Joshua doesn't want me to work now that I'll have the baby to take care of, so ...”
“I understand.” Seger began to stare into my eyes, making me uncomfortable.
“I'll be turning in my formal letter of resignation to Dr. Harding this week.”
“Well, it's our loss.” He leaned forward, and I could feel the heat of his breath on my face. “Missionary Bible School will have to make do without you.”
“I'm sure you'll all do just fine,” I said, taking a step backward.
“Anyway, do you need help with anything before I go?”
“Sure. You can take all these boxes of materials and put them into the storage room for me,” I said.
“No problem.” He began carrying boxes from the pile.
Before I could catch my breath, my husband walked in, and what would have been a productive and pleasant day immediately turned sour.
Chapter Thirty-eight
Alex
 
The argument started quietly down at the gym and continued at home. Joshua didn't make a scene because that wasn't his style. He merely pulled me to the side and whispered his opinions about Seger's intentions in my ear. Then we politely said good-bye to everyone and excused ourselves to our own private war.
Lilah had been spending the night with her grandmother so we were alone in the apartment.
“I don't know where to start. I decided I was going to surprise you by coming home for lunch. When I saw that you weren't home, I assumed you were down at the gym.”
“You were right, but you should've called,” I said.
“Oh? So I could warn you, right? Aren't you supposed to be at home taking care of yourself—resting?”
“Yes.” I wasn't looking forward to this interrogation.
“Then why were you down at the gym working?”
“I wasn't really working, just supervising people who were working.”
“Oh, I see.” Joshua walked back and forth mumbling to himself.
“It's hard to stay away. I'm bored at home, okay?”
“Okay, that brings me to my next point. Why was Seger down at the gym?”
“I told you that he just happened to be in the area, saw my car, which is so easy to spot, and decided to stop in.” I frowned up my face so much I could feel the wrinkles in my forehead forming. “He was just trying to help out.”
Joshua paced back and forth on the hardwood floors. “I'll bet.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I told you before that I don't like the way he looks at you.”
I was so tired of this same scenario. “Oh no. Not that mess again.”
Joshua hit his fist on the back of the couch. “I know what it means when a man looks at a woman like he looks at you.”
“What does it mean, Joshua? I'm surprised you even know. You haven't looked at me in months.”
“So is
that
what this is about? I'm not giving you enough attention so you go looking elsewhere?”
“Nobody's looking for attention. I'm minding my own business. I didn't ask Seger to get a job where I work, and I didn't invite him down to the gym.” I threw up my hands. “He just came out on his own.”
“Right.” Joshua's jaws tightened.
“Are you calling me a liar?”
Joshua threw his hands into the air as if he were giving up. “I don't know what to call you anymore.”
“Oh,
don't
go there, Joshua Douglas Benning.”
“I can't call you my wife because you're not acting like her, so—”
“I'm not acting like your wife? Why, Joshua? Because I'm not like Delilah? Because I can't be her.”
“This is
not
about Delilah. This is about
you
and
Seger
.”
“Stop it.”
“No, I can't stop it. Seger came down to the center because he wants you.”
“As a friend.”
Joshua clenched his teeth. “As more than a friend.”
“Here we go again,” I said.
“Yes, here we go again.”
I threw my hands in the air to indicate surrender. “Joshua, what do you want from me?”
“I don't know, but I'm tired of this.” Joshua walked away from me.
“Tired of
what?
” I followed him into the bedroom.
“Tired of being last.”
“And what do you mean by that?”
Joshua's six foot two inch frame towered over me as I looked into his brown eyes.
“You risk everything for Taylor, everything for the women's ministry, and everything for Seger. There's nothing left for me.”
“What do you mean there is nothing left for you? I'm just trying to—”
Joshua's eyes were wild and fiery. “I know. I know—to help. But help
us
. We're dying, Alex. We're dying.”
“Joshua.” I called out to him, but he didn't answer.
He had already turned his back on me and started toward the door. He reached into the hall closet, pulled his coat on, and left without a word.
I waited up for him until midnight when I started to get really tired, but he never made it home. Then I went to bed and tossed back and forth all night, aggravated and unable to pray.
He did call me the next morning and told me he was coming by to pick up a few things, that he'd be staying with Brother Jameson for a while until he could figure things out. Figure out what? That's what I didn't understand. He was supposed to be a man of God, an overcomer not a giver upper. Needless to say I was shocked and appalled. What about Lilah?
Would she continue to stay at her grandmother's house or would Joshua pick her up to let her stay with him? Either way, this kind of instability was not a good life for a five-year-old girl.
I tried calling to talk to him, but he wouldn't answer his phone. I left messages on his voice mail, but he wouldn't return my calls either. Finally, he called to tell me to say that he would be fasting and praying over our situation.
What situation?
Okay, Now I knew he was tripping. It has been two whole days already, and I haven't heard from him, and he won't let me speak to Lilah.
I prayed to the Lord to help me to understand my husband and this marriage covenant.
“You said in your Word that I'd be the head and not the tail. Please help me with what seems like a losing battle. I know this is spiritual warfare, and I bind up every hindrance, every demonic influence, every wicked power and principality that would come against my marriage on earth as it is bound in heaven. I loose blessings of peace, love, and joy in my marriage on earth as it is loosed in heaven. In Jesus' name. Amen.”
Then I took out the double chocolate fudge ice cream and waited for an answer.
Chapter Thirty-nine
Alex
 
It was a warm but rainy day. I spent the entire morning crying, eating, and waiting for the phone to ring. It was mid-September, and I was going on eight months pregnant. I didn't want to get out of bed, shower, or do anything. All I wanted to do was inhale more ice cream and cookies, as if I hadn't had enough already. I was sure I had already gained an extra ten pounds just that week. I didn't dare get on a scale. In fact, if I wasn't so depressed, I'd bake a blueberry pie or some muffins.
I used to think it was the conception issue that made me sad, but I know now that it was everything. Yes, I wanted to give my husband babies, lots of them. But I was afraid then, and I was still afraid, even now, that I wouldn't be able to produce even one. What if a miscarriage suddenly took away what I had waited so long for? If I could fulfill that one little part of my destiny, I'd feel accomplished. I wanted to get rid of the depression and the fear. I wanted to get out of the bed and shout, but I couldn't. I was temporarily paralyzed in my mind.
I never knew Christians could even struggle with depression. I thought it was all about joy, joy, and more joy. Yet the depression was like a cancer of the soul, eating away at me a little each day. I hardly wanted to get out of bed. Folks always told me that when I got born-again all my troubles would go away, and that I'd be all right. Then I learned that wasn't necessarily so. My troubles weren't going to roll away unless I rolled up on some Word and got it deep in my spirit. So deep that the Word of God would start talking to me about my situation. That's what I needed, to be washed in the Word again and again until my heart and mind became like Jesus again. Then I knew the joy would come. How did I get to that place of depression? I didn't know, but what I did know was that I had to get out and get my mind and heart right again.
I was busy thinking about what I was going to eat for dinner when I heard a knock on the door. For some reason I thought it was Joshua. I hoped he had misplaced his key. But it wasn't Joshua. It was Seger.
“Hello, Sister Alex.”
“Hi.” I was sure my disappointment was evident, but I didn't care. I felt too bad for politeness.
Seger tried to squeeze past me, but I blocked him. “I don't think it's a good idea for you to be here right now so ...” But didn't he get the picture by now? Was he that bold or that stupid to show up at my house after the last incident at the gym? Maybe he was deliberately trying to cause conflict in my marriage.
“I'm sorry. I don't mean to cause you trouble, but I just wanted to apologize for any trouble I've caused to you or your husband.”
“You could've called,” I said.
“I've never been much of a phone person. I like to see people face-to-face, even when my presence has caused so much turmoil. I—”
“It's not your fault. You've been a really good friend,” I said.
“I try to be.”
I put my hand over my face because I was embarrassed. Joshua had made it very clear that he didn't like Seger and that he didn't want us to be friends. “Ever since we were in Kenya, you've been more than good to me. It's just that I've got some things to work out with my husband.”
“Right, I understand that this is complicated—” Seger started.
I interrupted him, “And you being around all the time isn't really helping the situation right now.”
“Fine. I'll give you the space you need. I just had to say that I'm really sorry for the way that things have turned out.” He shook his head. “I never meant to come between you two.”
“I appreciate that,” I said, tapping my foot.
“But call me if anything changes or if you just need to talk.”
I hoped he would get the hint without me having to be blatantly rude. That was more Taylor's style than mine. “I will if I need to.”
“I'll always be here for you.” Seger raised his hand to touch my face, but I turned my head away from him.
“I know you will. You're a good friend.” I closed the door partially. “Thanks.”
“Good night, Sister Alex.”
“Good night,” I said, closing the door.
I remembered what I heard at the women's conference about priorities. I remembered what my father-in-law said about sacrifice. Even then, I still wondered if I was doing the right thing by giving Seger the cold shoulder.

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