Corps Security: The Series (117 page)

“Ash?” I question. “Asher.” I harden my tone and finally gain his attention.

He looks over at me, his eyes lost and haunted.

“Do you see me? I need to make sure you really see me right now and that you aren’t lost in the nightmare in your head.” He nods, his throat moving with his effort to control his emotions. “You are one of the strongest men I know, baby. I wish I could take your pain, ease your heart even for a second, but this is something you have to do for yourself. I’ll be by your side every second you’ll have me. All you have to do is take that first step. It’s going to be hard, but you’re not alone.”

I wait for him to gather his thoughts, hoping that I didn’t overstep. We’ve talked about Coop’s death almost nightly. I know all about his quest to bring down the man responsible, and it terrifies me. There’s a reason that he’s wanted by so many different law enforcement branches, and I’m shocked he’s still roaming free. That man is dangerous with a capitol D, and I’ve made it my mission to try and convince Asher that he doesn’t need to do this. It’s a battle I’m wholly committed to win.

“I miss him, Sunshine. My God, I miss him so much it feels like my chest is being split in two. I think about him, that damn cocky smile, his stupid jokes, and I wish . . .” he trails off, closing his eyes, lost in the memory of his brother.

I take a second to bat away the tears that are rolling down my cheeks, cursing my stupid hormones. Asher needs me to be strong right now, not my normal basket-case self that cries on the drop of a hat.

“I know, baby. I know.”

He opens his eyes, observing me with a look I’ve seen a few times on his face before. His hardness evaporates and his eyes turn soft.

“I love you, Sunshine,” he says softly.

My eyes widen, my mouth gapes at the words he’s just spoken, but my heart swells.

“And I love you, Asher.”

He gives me a sweet kiss, pulling back to rest his forehead against mine, a move I’m familiar with from him. He seems to take pleasure in just sitting like this, being close to me, and I love it.

“I’m ready.”

“One step at a time, okay? If you need to stop, we can come back later.”

He nods and climbs down from the cab. We walk hand in hand into Coop’s old house. I refuse to let his hand go, even when the grip becomes almost unbearable.

* * *

That day had to be one of the hardest. Witnessing him breakdown when he walked through the door, his huge frame crashing to his knees. A sound so heartbreaking slipping from his throat was almost my undoing. But when I hurried to kneel in front of him and saw the raw, unmasked pain in his eyes—the tears that were flowing down his face—I couldn’t hold back any longer. I pulled him into my arms and held him. I held my big, strong man while he purged himself of every ounce of grief he’d been holding in since he’d lost Coop. He cried for what felt like hours, my ass and legs going numb, my back killing me, and my arms shaking with the effort to hold him steady. You couldn’t have pulled me away if you’d tried.

I stayed by his side, just like I’d promised, and I tried to cover him in my light. Giving him what he needed—my love.

It took us hours and a few more breakdowns before we were able to even make a dent in packing up his brother’s memories. It was when I found him sitting on the edge of Coop’s bed, his pillow clutched in his arms and his sobs echoing around the room, that I knew we needed to go.

He didn’t fight me. I helped him out to the truck, into the passenger’s seat, and drove us back to my place—or rather our place since he pretty much is living there at this point. He was like a zombie the whole time, still clutching that damn pillow. Joe gave us a concerned look when we walked through the lobby door, but I waved him off with a small smile. He nodded his head and continued whatever he had been messing with on the computer.

That night, I fed a still silent Asher, put him in the shower with me, and tried my hardest to wash away the sadness that was coating him like a thick jacket. The whole time, I worried that he was slipping back into that darkness and I wouldn’t be able to get him back this time.

We fell asleep, my arms holding him close to my body, his head resting against my chest, and his arms wrapped around my waist.

I woke up again to wetness against my chest and his body shaking. My heart broke for every violent shudder that racked his body. When he lifted his head and looked into my eyes, I didn’t know what to expect. But what came out of his mouth will forever be something I remember.

“I don’t think I would have survived that had you not been there. I told you before that you’re my light, my Sunshine, and baby, if it hadn’t been for you shining that light on me today, I wouldn’t have escaped that pain.”

I gulped my sob, wanting nothing more than to break down in that moment. He leaned up, giving me the softest kiss before taking my body in a lovemaking that was so pure I felt like our souls had merged into one.

When he gasped my name as he came, words of our love for each other whispered in the darkness, I knew that, even though he might still have hard moments, we had jumped a huge hurdle that he’d needed in his healing.

“Chelcie?”

“Back here, baby!” I call out, finishing out the last CHAPTER I had written. A sense of pride fills me when I look down at the word count. Holy shit, I’m really doing this!

“What are you up to? Don’t we need to head out?” He nuzzles my neck, trailing hot kisses along as he moves up to rest his chin on the top of my head.

“Uh, nothing?” Dammit, I really need to work on this answering-him-with-a-question crap. He always sees right through my being evasive.

Truth is, I haven’t told anyone that I’m writing this book. I’ve been working on it for so long that I think I always thought it just wouldn’t get finished. Or maybe the fear is what keeps me from telling anyone. It’s a part of me that I’ve kept so close that it almost feels like a betrayal to my mind . . . as stupid as that sounds. Or if I admit it out loud, then it becomes real—the pressure to do it, to succeed becomes real.

“Sunshine, stop thinking and let me in.”

“It’s, uh . . . It’s a book I’ve been working on,” I groan, knowing that I sound like a complete fool. I bury my head in my hands and wait for his laughter.

“A book? Damn, that’s astounding babe. Did you just start this?”

I turn around and look at him, the shock and love clear on his face. There is nothing but respect and happiness
for me.
For me and my dream. I smile so large that it hurts my face, knowing damn well that I must look wonky.

“You okay there?” he laughs, mirth apparent with each word.

“Never been better, baby. Never been better.”

He kisses me with what starts off as one of those sweet kisses I love so much, but it turns quickly into a devouring of mouths.

“Must be one hell of a book if I get this kind of reaction from you.” He smiles down at me, looking so happy that my heart swells.

“It’s nothing,” I nervously groan.

“Don’t do that,” he sternly bursts. “Don’t diminish something that is obviously important to you. Your dreams are important to me. I want to be here to enjoy them, cheer you on, and lift you up. This isn’t a one-man show, sunshine. You there for me and me alone. No, it doesn’t work like that with me. So let me ask you again—what is this book you’re working on?” His tone leaves no room for arguing, and I can see in his eyes that he means it. He wants to be there and he genuinely wants me to tell him.

“I started working on this book idea I had a few years ago. I never thought that I would do anything more than play with it, but the story has been demanding I finish it lately. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like I need to write it more than I need to breathe. It sounds so silly.” I try to hide my face again, afraid that I might start crying and basket-case Chelcie will come out to play.

“Chelcie, there is nothing about that that sounds silly. I’m so proud of you. It takes serious guts to be able to write something that means that much to you. I hope one day you’ll let me read it.”

“You really want to read it? It’s not like . . . man stuff. It’s romance, baby.” I place one hand on his solid chest and the other against his cheek.

He turns his head, nuzzling my palm for a second before placing one of his famous sweet kisses against my skin. My whole body swoons from just that alone.

“You bet that sweet ass I want to read it. Come on. We’ll talk about this kick-ass book of yours on the way to the doctor.” He leans in and places a kiss against my stomach before standing up. “Time to figure out if I need to buy stock in Smith & Wesson or Magnum.”

“Oh, God! You’re incorrigible!” I laugh, slapping his hard abs while I stand.

“Come on, woman. Let’s get out of here so I can get you back and strip you naked.”

CHAPTER 21

Asher

“What are you thinking about?” Chelcie questions from the passenger’s seat.

God, she looks beautiful. The sun’s hitting her blonde hair, making it look like she’s got a halo around her. She’s got on some tight shirt that puts so much emphasis on her belly. And damn, that belly—she went from hardly showing to popping out overnight. And it’s the most attractive thing I’ve ever seen.

I don’t even know how to explain it. I know the baby isn’t mine, but in my mind, I love him or her just as if it were. Chelcie talked to me the other night about it, her worries that I might not be with her for the right reasons, but I stopped that crazy shit right away. That woman has no clue how much I love her. I never thought I would be capable of this. Never thought that I could trust a woman enough to hand over my heart, my emotions, and play a game of chance. With her, there’s no doubt that this is real.

I fought the feelings I had for her before I even knew that there was a baby. Knowing she’s pregnant, and with Coop’s baby, isn’t awkward or confusing for me. I can separate my feelings. I love them both differently. She’s my reason for getting up in the morning. My reason for knowing that I
can
get up in the morning. And that baby?
God,
that baby gives me a little hope. Hope that the world isn’t a giant fucked-up version of Hell. That innocent baby,
my brother’s baby,
is my blood and I will love it just like it was my own.

“Ash?” she inquirers at my silence, turning slightly in her seat to face me.

I grab her hand, giving her a squeeze before I place our joined hands against her bump. “Just thinking about how different my life is than it was a few months ago. I’m happy, Chelcie. I’m really happy and I didn’t think I would feel that way again.”

She smiles that fucking gorgeous smile at me, and I notice a second too late that she’s about to lose it. She clutches my hand, bringing it up to her chest at an awkward angle, and hugs it. If I weren’t accustomed to her whiplash-like mood swings, I would be alarmed. I smile knowingly at her and wait for the tears to stop and her grip to lighten up on my hand.

“I’m sorry,” she hiccups.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. Not sure what brought on the waterworks, Sunshine. Least I can tell that’s a good thing.”

“Oh hush, you! It is a good thing. I’m so proud of you, Ash.” She sobers, leans her head against the seat, and looks at me, her eyes dark with emotion.

“And why exactly are you proud of
me?
” I joke.

“You’ve come so far. You’re fighting that darkness all on your own, Ash.” She sighs. “You have no idea how incredible you are.”

I look over at her in shock. How can she even begin to think that I’ve done this alone? My God, if it weren’t for her, I would still be lost. She’s the reason I’m not trapped in that black hole of grief.

“You really believe that, don’t you? That I did this all on my own?”

She nods, looking perplexed at my question.

“Damn, woman. One of these days, you’re going to see just how much you give me. I didn’t do this alone. I did this with you right by my side.” Her eyes start to fill with tears, and this time, I know what’s coming before she starts. “Chelcie. Dry it up, baby. Nothing to cry about, okay?”

She nods her head, kisses her fingers, and brings them to my cheek. “If I didn’t have this big ol’ belly, I would kiss the mess out of you, Asher.”

“Right back at ya, babe.”

We make the rest of the drive to the doctor in a comfortable silence. I let the nerves pick back up at the thought of this coming appointment.

“So tell me what I’m about to experience.”

She laughs when she hears the stress in my tone. No lie, I’m edgy as hell right now. I keep picturing all these instruments of torture coming for her belly.

“Just the normal stuff. The nurse will check my weight—speaking of, you are NOT allowed to look!” I laugh and nod my head, willing her to continue. “Then they’ll make me pee in a cup—once again, no looking at that either—then check my blood pressure and ask me a million questions about how I’ve felt the last month. Then the doctor will come in and ask me the same questions all over again. It’s really kind of boring. She’ll move my belly around a bunch, measure it, and then ask me more questions.”

“That’s it? Well, uh . . . how are they supposed to tell you what the baby is if all they do is touch your belly? Is there some way to tell by moving it around?”

She laughs, the music of her amusement dancing around inside of my Jeep. “Baby, I’ll get an ultrasound. They just place some goopy gel on my stomach and place a little wand over it, move it around, and take a bunch of measurements. Then, if the baby is cooperating, we will get to see between his or her legs and hopefully know what we’re having.”

Hearing her say
we’re
causes my heart to leap in my chest. Goddamn, this woman unmans me.

“I like the sound of that,” I tell her honestly.

“What? That I get some goopy gel?” she snickers.

“No, Sunshine—you said we’re. What
we’re
having. I love how that sounds.”

She doesn’t say anything, and I look over at her. Once again, she’s bawling, but this time, she’s trying her hardest to keep her shit together. I burst out laughing, earning me a light smack to my arm.