Corporate Cowboy (20 page)

She stood up and approached him, fiddling with the buttons of his shirt. “You’re not serious, Gage. That’s a bunch of shit.”

Gage grasped her by the biceps and set her back a few steps. Her eyes went wide. “Like a heart attack.” Better get on with it, he thought. “Sit back down, Amanda.”

She did. “You know I would never have gone to anyone,” she said. “Those were just words.”

“You got to Emma. That’s bad enough.”

She shrugged. “She needed to know what you are all about, Gage.”

“I’m not going to honor that with a comeback. Look, you and I are not ever going to be together. We will never have a relationship beyond being friends.”

“So no more friends with benefits? I find that hard to believe.”

“No. And you need to get that through your thick head. I am not your Master and you are not my submissive.”

“That’s what you think.”

“That’s what I know. And for the record, I don’t love you, and you don’t love me.”

She laughed. “Gage, we’ve had this conversation a hundred times. We don’t love people, we fuck them. Fuck is love, remember? The only relationships we have with people are one-on-one in a scene. That’s it. It’s the only kind of love we need.”

She went on. “We’re two peas in a pod, you and me. We share history—the shit you went through with your birth mother and the crap my dad put me through. So we need to be together.”

Gage fell silent for a minute, letting her words soak into his head. “No, Amanda. That’s where you are wrong. We’re not the same.”

She stared at him. Denial?

He stood. “Amanda, I was wrong all those years ago. I
can
fall in love, I think. I am trying to fall in love with Emma.”

She shook her head. “Gage, what happened to you?”

Emma happened.
“I just want to be with Emma. No more sessions, ever, with you or anyone else. I’m changing.”

Amanda stood, her eyes wide. “You’re shittin’ me.”

If someone had told him he would have said that today, he would have called them a liar. But nothing in the world felt more right.

“She’s not woman enough for you, Gage. You’ll be back begging me for a fuck within six months.”

“I don’t beg, Amanda.”

He got up and crossed the room. He didn’t want to touch her because he didn’t want to lose control. He peered down into her eyes. “All of this stops now. You need to figure out what you need from your own life. You don’t need me any longer. You can stand on your own two feet. You are a strong, independent woman with a ranch of your own to run, and you’ve been leaning on me for way too long.

“You’re stronger than most men I know, Amanda, and you’ve been giving yourself over to me as a sub for way too long. It’s time for you to stop vying for my attention, and go out and build a world of your own.”

As he stood there looking into her face, Gage realized his words were likely going right over her head. For a while, she just stared back.

“I’m not sure I know how to be anything other than what I have been to you, Gage.”

He shrugged. “Then there is another reason why we need to cut it off completely. You need to figure out who you are.”

She sighed, her chest heaving. “It will be hard.”

He agreed. “Yes.”

****

Gage stood outside the barn and watched Amanda drive away. He knew immediately he was saying goodbye to a past he needed to let go of. He hoped at some point in the future, when Amanda got her shit together—and well, when he did too—that they could be friends again.

He doubted if that could happen, but it would be nice to think that.

Cole stepped off the porch opposite the barn and slowly made his way across the lot toward Gage. His amble reminded Gage of what life often was like out here. Lots of work to do, but at a slower pace than what he was used to back at the office.

“Maybe I should stay out here for a few days,” he told Cole.

His friend nodded. “Might clear your head and help to think things through. You’ve stirred up a lot of shit in that head of yours the past couple of weeks.”

“True.” He watched the dirt trail of Amanda’s truck. “Work me hard,” he said.

“The new barn isn’t finished yet and there are some fences that need mending.”

Gage grinned. “That’s an understatement.”

Cole watched the thinning dirt trail. “How’d it go with her?”

“We came to an agreement.”

“Good.”

Gage knew they didn’t need to say more than that. “I hope she gets her life back on track.”

“I hope you get yours.”

Gage stared out over the ranch. “That’s exactly what I intend to do.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

I pace my apartment, wandering aimlessly from room to room. My cell phone is off. The landline is unplugged. My laptop is back at the office. I want no connection with the outside world. All I want is to wallow in my misery. And think. Process.

I am bored, frustrated, and restless.

And worried.

Hurt.

Confused.

Snatches of dialog and bits of conversation roll through my head. I try to pigeonhole them here, and there, and still end up with a mish-mash of words and thoughts that make no sense, and emotions I can’t get a handle on.

Somehow, I get through the day, although I cannot say it is without a fair share of grief and ugly crying. My eyes swollen, I take some allergy medication and then a shower, hoping the combination will help me drift off to sleep. I go to bed early, curling up into my comforter. I attempt to watch television and find it a useless task. I try to sleep but wake with fitful dreams.

Too many faces circling.

Gage. Amanda. Randy. My damn junior prom date.

I squeeze my eyes shut at the pain that shoots through my head. I hadn’t wanted Gage to know about any of that, especially the prom date fiasco. I need to be free of that sexual past so I can explore my sexual future.

Looks like there is no future. At least with Gage.

That makes me angry. Finally, I am opening up sexually and enjoying how Gage makes me feel. Loving the freedom to explore what some people may think are sexual taboos. Things that only feel natural for me to do with Gage.

And I know we had only barely gotten started.

As I lie in bed thinking of him, my body cannot help but react. He holds a strong and powerful presence over me that it is not only physical. There is more.

Emotional. Mental.

Gage is so damn multifaceted, I’m pretty sure I’ve not seen all of his sides. I definitely have not seen the side of him I saw in that video.

I close my eyes, willing those images out of my head.

After several hours of worry and heartache, I sleep, and manage to stay that way for most of Sunday, until I wake, and decide to turn on my cell phone.

****

Emma, this is Gage. Before you click off this message, please listen. I’m calling because I know you are upset. I am upset too. But there are some things I want you to know.

Amanda will not bother you any longer. I have taken care of that. There is no need for you to worry about her.

I am sorry you saw the video footage. I didn’t know she had it. She doesn’t have it any longer, nor does she have the pictures of you and me. I want to talk to you about the video when you are ready. I would like a chance to discuss, tell you what was going on, and about this complicated relationship Amanda and I had, that is now over.

I am hoping you will agree to see me at least once more. On your terms, whenever, wherever, you want. Please know that this is a difficult call for me to make. I have never in my life asked a woman for anything. I’ve always told women what I wanted, and how things worked, and I usually got my way.

Not now. Emma, you are spinning me out of control.

Hell, you probably don’t want to have anything to do with me. I’ve stepped over the lines, especially with investigating things in your past. All I can say is that I did it because I wanted to understand you a little more. Anyway…I’m sorry.

The ball is in your court, Emma. Take your time to think about it. Please don’t leave Montana until we have talked. I’ll be working from the ranch this week to give you space. Give us both space. I’ll be here doing a lot of soul-searching, myself. Thinking.

Thinking of you…

I hope you have a good week at work. Take care, Emma. Please call me. I…

The message trails off. I play it five times before I turn the phone off again, then sink back into my pillows and close my eyes, letting the sound of Gage’s voice wash over me. Tears sting my eyelids and suddenly, I am exhausted. Turning onto my side, I wad my pillow into a ball and let sleep take me.

****

My heels click on the parquet floor Monday morning as I make my way from my office to Chad’s. I decide it’s business as usual for me this morning. Mostly, I can’t bear to stay another day inside that apartment, and I am not going to let this Amanda person, or Gage, rule my life. By wallowing in self-pity in my bed all day, I am giving the power over to them.

Not doing that.

Besides, I have a job and no matter whether I got it out of Gage’s manipulation of people, or not, I’m doing it. I think I can be good at this job, and so I will.

I approach Chad’s desk in the outer office in front of Gage’s. He glances up, sees me, and then frowns a little.

“Good morning, Ms. Emma.”

“Morning, Chad!” I smile as I approach. “You may be busy now, but at some point today can we discuss this final draft of the policy? I also want to check in with you about how you think the meeting went Friday afternoon.”

Chad scoots back in his chair. “I think it went fine!” He is grinning again now. “Everyone got out of here just fine Friday evening without setting off any alarms. I made sure I was the last one to leave.” He points to a chair. “Why don’t you sit, Ms. Emma?”

I glance to the chair angled by his desk and sit. We are facing each other now, and it feels a little more intimate. “I’m so glad it all worked out. Did you have to stay very late?”

He waves a hand. “Oh no. It was Friday. Everybody was ready to get out of here.”

I understand that and think back to my own Friday evening.

“Something wrong?” he asks.

I shake my head. “Oh, no. Was just thinking. So, should we set up a time today to debrief? Also, do you have a copy of the current WestInn Corporate Policy Manual? I was not able to find one in Christina’s office. I’m sure she’s filed it away somewhere, but if I could get another one….”

“Of course.” Chad rises and heads toward the windows where a bank of low cabinets stands. He pulls out a drawer and rifles through it. I let my gaze drift toward Gage’s office doors. I know he said in his voice mail he was working at the ranch this week, but I have to wonder if he might have changed his mind. Was he here right now?

“Here you go, Ms. Emma.”

I take it and set it on my lap. “Chad, you can just call me Emma.” I grin up at him. I stand up and Chad gives me a hug, his cheek pressing against mine.

“I like you. But I prefer to call you Ms. Emma, because you remind me of a proper lady who needs to be addressed accordingly.” He pulls back and smiles, still grasping my arms right above the elbow. Then, he adds, “Ms. Emma, how are you doing?”

I give him a puzzled look. “I don’t know what you mean.”

He steps a little closer. “Ms. Emma, I have been with Mr. Parker for a long time. I know his every mood, and generally, he doesn’t have to say a word to me. I don’t know anything, really, for certain, other than the fact he’s not coming into the office this week, and that he gave me very specific instructions that have to do with you.”

Alarm bells went off in my head. “Such as?”

“He only said one thing, Ms. Emma. To make sure you were safe.”

“That’s it?”

“Well, and if you didn’t show up to work, to call him.”

I bite my lip. “And since you know him so well, what do you think all of that means, Chad?”

He squeezes my elbows. “I know exactly what it means. He’s trying to distance himself as much as he can, but he needs to know you are okay—and here. Look,” Chad shifts his stance and looks me more closely in the eyes, “the man…he’s different but not unlike a lot of dominant men I know. They think they do not have emotions, but they do. And when those emotions smack them dead in the face, they don’t know what to do with them. Gage is trying to work through those emotions right now. I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but I do know this: don’t leave here until you’ve both given yourselves time to process whatever it is. And Ms. Emma, if you need advice on understanding a dominant male, or being a submissive, let me know. I can help.”

I hadn’t intended to get into anything personal with Chad because I just want to clear my head with work. “So, I’m wondering when you have some time on your schedule that we could debrief. It doesn’t have to be today.”

Chad holds my gaze for a few seconds then looks away. “Of course.” He steps to his desk and flips through the planner on his desk. “My schedule is really pretty tight for a few days. Mr. Parker wants me to run some things out to the ranch for him this afternoon, so I’ll be gone most of the day. I’m in a training all day on Tuesday. It looks like Wednesday at ten o’clock in the morning is my first opening.”

“Great. Let’s schedule it for then.” And that gives me more time to settle in. Think.

He glances up and grins. “Perfect. I’ll send you an electronic meeting request.”

I nod and hesitate before leaving. Chad leans over his desk scrolling through his computer calendar. “Chad?”

He stands and looks at me. I give him a hug. “Thank you.”

****

As it turns out, Chad calls in sick on Wednesday. He leaves a voice mail and reschedules for Thursday. Okay with me. I’ve had a quiet week of reflection and hard work, digging into the corporate policies so I can understand and explain them. I had two meetings with the health insurance reps because open enrollment will be upon us before we know it. An employee left the company, and I had to conduct an exit interview. Without Chad here, I winged it with another woman from HR by my side. Next week a new batch of front desk recruits, destined for the Jackson Hole facility, arrive for training, and I am anticipating a half a day at the minimum to get ready for that.

No rest for the weary. Or wicked. What have you.

Evenings I spend alone, with Chinese or pizza delivery and mindless, stupid reality television shows. Once in a while, I’ve wandered in and out of some of the BDSM websites Gage told me about. Then I back out thinking,
Why bother
?

I think of Gage all too often and miss him like crazy, but I am trying to be a grown-up girl about this and just move on. I contemplate the sanity of staying in Billings, but it’s a job and I have bills to pay. Relocating somewhere else right now would be costly. I can wait it out, maybe start looking for work down the road, and move when the timing is a little better.

At least that’s what I tell myself. There is a part of me that just does not want to leave Montana. Yet.

Thursday morning I head to the gym before work, craving a hard workout because I’ve been remiss in exercising all week. I have a day of meetings and sitting behind my desk ahead of me and I’m ready to burn off some calories.

I bump into Candy turning the corner. “Emma! I haven’t seen you in forever. How are you?”

“I’m good. Heading to the treadmill. You?”

“Oh yes. I’ve been such a slug lately.”

“Me, too.”

We find a couple of treadmills side by side and both start off with a slow, then more brisk walk.

“So, how is the new job working out? Ever see that guy?” Emphasis on
guy
. She turns and winks.

I glance off behind her. “Well, yeah, I see him but…” I shrug, leaving my response hanging.

“Any regrets? Wish you had said yes to him?”

My gaze skitters off hers then. “No. I’m good.” I shrug again and grin, then kick up the speed. For the next twenty minutes, I focus on the screen in front of me. I’m not good, of course, but I’ll be damned if I’ll get into a conversation about it.

The morning news rolls by without sound, as I didn’t bring my headphones. But in my mind I am playing through scenes of last week. Gage and me in his office. In his bed. At the restaurants.

I shake off the images but the feeling of loss remains. I miss him. I miss the way we are together. But it’s over, and I need to remember that. It’s for the best. For
my
best interest. Keeping one foot in front of the other, I run hard, pushing those thoughts to the back of my mind. I can feel perspiration running down my back. My arms glisten with sweat.

I hit the machine to slow the pace, and Candy does the same. I glance her way, out of breath. She’s watching something behind my head.

She nudges me. “Speak of the devil.”

I turn in the direction Candy was looking, and I see Gage walk through the door. His gaze catches mine, and I nearly trip on the moving belt. I jump to straddle it and put my feet on the sides. As I catch my breath, he crosses the room and steps up beside me.

“Hello, Emma.”

I swallow, still breathing hard. “Mr. Parker.”

“How are you?”

“I’m well, thank you.”

“Did you get my message the other day?”

I can feel Candy’s stare on my back. “Yes. Yes I did. Thank you.”

He nods. “Good. I just wanted to make sure.” He looks past me then to Candy and tips his head. Then after one last glance at me, he turns and heads off to somewhere else in the gym. I have no clue where because everything behind my eyes is now spinning.