Conviction: Devine (8 page)

Although I was aware I was going to be facing a prison sentence anyway, I was scared to death that I was dragging people into it that had nothing to do with my past. Jake, Adam and even Carrie were now accessories and I hated that the circle was growing bigger every minute.

I was buried deep under a pile of papers in the late afternoon when I randomly looked up to stretch my neck. My eyes popped wide when Kris stood looking at me deeply.

“Kris.”

He didn’t frighten me but he was a surprise. Kris never gave me the time of day and to find him staring at me—he obviously had been for a while by the way he was leaning against the doorframe—came as a bit of a shock. I left my gaze on him, not backing away from his stare. He blinked and for a brief moment his eyes held a remorse I couldn’t decipher. He lowered his gaze then swallowed. “Jake wants you in his office as soon as you can.”

“Oh,” I replied with a frown, mystified why Jake had sent Kris and not texted me. “Okay.”

I smiled at Kris and stood, bending my back to massage the straining muscles from sitting so long. He stood in the doorway, blocking it when I walked over. His stare was stern, his eyes narrow. I gulped, my heart rate peaking as I looked up at him and waited for him to move out of my way.

After a moment he moved aside and allowed me to pass but when I reached the top of the stairs leading down the management’s corridor where all the offices were situated, I jumped when Kris called my name out.

I turned to find him still standing in Adam’s office doorway, silent and brooding. “Kris?”

His expression softened and he sighed. “I need you to know . . .” He paused and I cocked my head at the regret in his voice.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s . . .” He held his hands up, his fingers clenching into fists. His eyes found mine and I shivered at the powerful emotion on his face, his glare appearing to seep into my bones. “I don’t think you should.”

I peered at him. “I shouldn’t what?”

He closed his eyes and the fiercest growl made my blood curdle. He shook his head and disappeared back into the office, the door slamming loudly behind him and notifying me that he was done and wasn’t about to shed light on what the hell he had been trying to say.

I stared at the door, blinking rapidly as I tried to make sense of such a private personality. I had a feeling he was trying to warn me but the way he had looked at me, with both hatred and sorrow, made me balk at the twist in my belly.

My nerves were on ice as I made my way along the corridor. For some reason Kris’ warning had buried deep inside me and I no longer wanted to go into Jake’s office. I had never pressed the lock sequence on his keypad as slowly as I did, hating the way the green light seemed to allow me access quicker than usual. The stairs ached my legs, my feet dragging up each step with a dull pain that made my toes hurt. Sweat trickled from my forehead yet a chill creaked my bones. The anguish in my gut oozed into my bloodstream, my veins constricting with the thick sludge that poured through them.

Jake’s reception area was quiet and the pad of my feet across the room beat through my brain with every step I took.

Reaching the table in the centre of the room, my head turned involuntarily to look through the window to Jake’s office, my eyes fixing automatically on the couple in the room. My veins no longer accommodated the race of my blood when it froze inside. The sweat on my forehead merged with the tears that rained down my face and my heart seemed to die inside me, the cold hatred inside me building walls around every surface of the organ that had refused to feel until Jake Devine came along.

Everything felt surreal, as though I was in a movie, when Jake’s eyes lifted over the top of Genesis’ shoulder and fixed on me. I knew the look of pure sorrow on Jake’s face as Genesis rode him on his desk would haunt me for a long time.

He didn’t attempt to push Genesis away, nor did he attempt to chase me when I turned and fled.

Nor did he try to contact me in the following two weeks of hell spent in my father’s spare room where I hid away and finally accepted that my life wasn’t worth living.

Two hours later

B
LOOD SPLATTERED MY SHIRT
, the crimson substance spraying across the grey cotton. I stared at the pattern as the coke finally hit my brain and started to take me where I wanted to be.

Sniffing, I pushed the emotion back and hit the prick again, the crunch of his nose under my knuckles soothing my inner hatred for a fleeting moment. His screams when I took out his kneecaps placated the rage in my heart, my blood near boiling point as it tore through my hardened veins in attempt to burn into my hideous soul.

Her tears, her pain, her horror, her despair, her misery, her utter devastation; they all hit me one after another, my heart weeping as I screamed and hit Dr Peter Lovejoy with one final staggering blow, his head hanging backwards on his broken neck.

Two weeks later

“
A
HH, COME ON, SUGAR
,” he pleaded with an exaggerated pout. I couldn’t take my eyes off the hair sticking out of his left nostril. “I’ll put a smile on that miserable face of yours.”

I sighed, ignoring him as I placed his plate of steak and eggs in front of him. I had been working at Wendy’s café for about a week and although Wendy and the rest of the staff were lovely, my heart just wasn’t in it.

I’d moved back in with my father. Leah was still at the cottage but I couldn’t face living in a place that belonged to Jake. Adam, as much as he had fought with me over our contract, backed down and let me go, understanding my need for distance.

I’d refused to cry. To be honest, it was my own fault. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him. I couldn’t understand why Jake had professed his love for me so easily then eight hours later, hadn’t seemed bothered that I found him fucking another woman. I’d expected him to come after me, and although I was glad he hadn’t, I was hurt that he hadn’t bothered to come up with an excuse. I obviously wasn’t important enough.

The guy who I had just served shouted something obscene when I walked away. I blew out a breath and rolled my eyes, creaking my neck at the impeding headache. My migraines had become a problem in the previous couple of weeks and I’d already had a day off work. I knew the approaching one was going to be a killer but I couldn’t ask for leave again; it was my first week.

I popped another aspirin and gulped down some water before I slid out of the back door for my break. I sighed in relief as I lit a cigarette and inhaled the calming nicotine. I had the late shift, and the late hour brought lots of amorous couple to Wendy’s car park; the rear backed onto an open field. The smoke from my cigarette curled above me, fogging the light from the moon as I smirked to myself. The car hidden in the corner of the car park under the broken lamp rocked left and right, muffled moans filtering across the space.

All of a sudden my heart hurt, reminiscing mine and Jake’s love making. I missed him so much. I hated him, and fuck, I wanted to hurt him badly but I couldn’t just cut off my feelings for him. He had been the only one in so long who had been able to penetrate my outer shield and break through to the inside of me. The only man who had the ability to hold my heart in his hand and cherish it. I grimaced, realising he had never actually cherished me. I’d just been a lay for him, a woman who had opened her legs easily and allowed him to get his release.

I wanted to get drunk; raging drunk. Pulling out my phone, I texted Leah and Sophia, asking them to meet me at The Yard, a local nightclub, when my shift ended. They both replied with excitement, amazed I had asked them. For the last two weeks I’d locked myself away, and apart from work, I had refused any other contact with the outside world. Yet tonight I needed to let my mind loose and give it a reprieve from the constant thoughts and emotions.

Maisie, one of the waitresses I worked with, smiled when she joined me for her break. “You doing okay?” she asked as she lit her own smoke and blew it dramatically into the night air. I nodded as I shivered with the chill that had descended with the darkness. She frowned and looked at me closely. “Hey, you look a little pale. You sure you’re okay?”

Nodding again, I dropped my cigarette butt on the floor and scrunched it with my foot. “Yeah, just a headache.”

“Another one?”

I shrugged then grinned back at Maisie when she gestured towards the rampant couple in the swaying car. “I suffer with cluster headaches. Doc says they’re stress related. New job must be aggravating it.”

She nodded then chuckled and elbowed me, “Or you’re pregnant. Lots suffer from headaches in the first term. Shit,” she mumbled on, “I had them like a fucker on steroids when I got caught with Gina. Wore the shit outta me.”

I stared at her and shook my head. “I can’t,” I murmured quietly. “I can’t have children.”

She paled and grimaced. “Shit, babe, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean owt . . .”

“No.” I quietened her with a soft touch on her arm, her mortification embarrassing me more than her statement. “It’s not a problem,” I lied. “I’ve accepted it’s not meant to be.”

She sighed and stubbed out her own cigarette. “Well, at least you can enjoy life. And shit, you’ll have more money. God knows mine spend my wages like water . . .”

I hated the twist in my stomach. I would have loved nothing more than to give my dad a grandchild. He’d accepted it and in the previous years he’d come to hope that one day Seb would give him an heir to the family name, and now even that was something he would never experience.

“Well, back to work,” Maisie said too happily as she quickly diverted from the conversation that obviously affected me more than I realised when she placed her hand on my arm and squeezed. “There’s always adoption,” she offered with a whisper as we walked back into the café. I replied with a nod and a forced smile. She winked then disappeared into the kitchen as I slung my apron back on and followed her.