Contributor (Contributor Trilogy, book 1) (27 page)

"Clearly, I should have. And clearly I should have trusted my first instincts about you."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're guileless, and I was stupid enough to think that you'd be the weakest link. I never stopped to think about your master."

Gaping, Dara grasped the meaning of his words. No wonder Letizia wanted to see her that night.

"Why, Javier? Why? I thought you were kind of a nice guy." He flinched at the sound of her disappointment.

"It doesn't pay to be the nice guy. For your own good, you should learn that now."

"Nice thought. I hope it helps you sleep tonight."

"It won't. For what it's worth, I am sorry. Believe it or not, I honestly like you. It's a shame things couldn't have been different."

"You like me so much that you stole my design and tried to destroy my career?"

"Creators, you really are an innocent," he said, shaking his head at her incredulously. "I'm just trying to survive, Dara. And don't you know that people will do anything to survive?"

"Well, congratulations! Look at all your ruthlessness has earned you." Turning on her heel, Dara stormed away.

Chapter 33

Dara couldn't go home. She couldn't face her family feeling as she did, nor could she face Raj. His kindness would be far too painful in the face of everything she had dealt with on this day. She would have liked to go straight to Letizia, but she knew her master would be tied up with Andersen for a while.

The more she walked, though, the more Dara began to think she just couldn't deal with another dose of reality from Letizia. She was sick of all of it, desperately sick. Sinking down onto a bench, she stared unseeingly at the few people passing by, before she finally got up and started walking again, not really knowing where her feet were carrying her.

"Dara," Jonathan said, when he answered his door. He looked taken aback. "Come in, please."

He stepped aside, and she walked in. Everything was so familiar. His apartment was almost as much of a home to her as her own. She felt brittle as she turned to look into his achingly handsome face.

"My parents are out tonight, so if you want to talk..." he offered.

"Thanks."

He took her in his arms and she leaned heavily against him, closing her eyes and letting the sensation of his hands stroking her hair soothe her. "I've missed this," he said. She could feel the rumble of his voice against her cheek.

"So have I."

They stood that way for several moments, before he leaned down and gave her a soft kiss. Taking her by the hand, he led her over to the couch, and they sat facing each other.

"Things have been kind of...strange between us lately," he began hesitantly.

"I know." Her voice was quiet.

"Is it something I did?"

"No, of course not. It's just that things have been so...complicated lately." She wanted so badly to tell him everything, but some inexplicable force seemed to banish the words from her lips.

"It's been rough for you," he said, his voice warm with sympathy. He stroked her hand gently.

"Yes, it has been. But you've helped, and I hope you know that my dad and I are both so grateful to you."

"Of course I've been there for you. I love you, Dara."

"I love you too." She smiled at him as a faint hope ignited in her heart.

"What happened today?" he asked.

"Do you remember when we heard that argument between Javier and Ryan?"

"How could I forget it?"

"Ryan was telling the truth. Javier did steal his design."

"What? How do you know that?"

"Because Javier also stole one of mine."

Jonathan stared at her in amazement. "He did?" His expression darkened. "That bastard."

"Yeah. Unfortunately for him, the design had a fatal flaw, so all he earned is Andersen's wrath." She laughed humorlessly.

"He deserves it," Jonathan said contemptuously.

"So it looks like I'm going to get the position as Andersen's assistant." Her voice held little inflection.

"That's wonderful, Dara. Aren't you happy about it?"

"Maybe I would be, if I didn't feel like I'm getting it by default."

"You didn't get it by default! You deserve it."

Dara got up and started pacing agitatedly. "All I know is that Ryan tried to kill me and Javier stole my design, so now I'm most likely going to get to be Andersen's assistant. I can't imagine why but, for some reason, I don't feel like celebrating."

Jonathan rose as well, putting his hands on her shoulders to still her. "This has been an awful experience for you. There's no denying that. But don't let it diminish what you've achieved. You do deserve it."

"Aren't you ever tired of it, Jon? I mean, just really, really tired of it?"

"Well, yeah, sometimes I am tired. But I know that the challenge is worth it. Think about it. You're going to be Assistant to the Head of Engineering, and I have a good shot of becoming Assistant to the Head of Logistics. Isn't that amazing? In a few months, we'll look back and know it was all worth it."

The conviction in his voice made her wince, and she pulled away from him. "Are you really so sure about that? I mean, all of this plotting, all of this misery and stress... Do you think it will all be worth it in the end?"

"Yes, I do."

"Don't you ever...I don't know. Don't you ever think that maybe things could be...different?" she asked, despairingly.

"Different how?" He took a step back, looking at her rather warily, and she could feel her sense of desperation increasing.

"Better. Instead of all this competition, maybe there could be more collaboration or maybe—"

"Stop, Dara." Now there was no mistaking his wariness. "The things you're saying...you shouldn't talk like that. The system works. It's the only thing that works."

"But it's not fair," Dara insisted. "Look at what's happening."

Jonathan's expression became remote, closed. "I know you're upset, but the things you're saying are dangerous."

"Why are they dangerous? Because they're the truth?"

Turning, Jonathan took a few more steps away from her. He ran a hand over his hair before turning back around to face her. "I firmly believe in this system. You're under a lot of stress right now, and I can understand why you might feel some doubt. But, Dara, if you cling to that doubt, I'm not sure where it will take you, and I'm not sure I can stand by and watch."

Tears began streaming down her cheeks. "You don't think there's anything to what I'm saying?"

He reached out and took both of her hands in his. "I think you're searching, grasping at things that aren't there. If you just give it time—"

"Time isn't going to change anything," she insisted, yanking her hands from his. "Why can't you understand that? My mom will probably be sent to a facility! How can I just go on like everything is normal?"

"Because it is normal. You know I think a facility may be the best thing for your mom. Magnum will take good care of her, and you and your father will still be able to Contribute."

"It all boils down to that, doesn't it? Whether or not we can Contribute."

"Yes, of course it does. Resources are limited, and everyone has to play their part."

Dara pressed a fist to her mouth, trying to keep a scream from escaping her throat. She looked up at him, her eyes searching his face. How could they possibly have come to interpret things so differently?

His pain was every bit as evident as hers, and the stricken look on his face made her ache. Something inside screamed to just give in, to agree with him, to go on as if she'd never ended up in the wasteland, as if she'd never imagined things could be different. But she just couldn't do it. Blindness was not strength, she knew that now.

"Jonathan..."

His mouth quirked, and a tear rolled down his cheek. "There's no way of bridging this gap, is there?"

Silently, she shook her head, her tears coming faster.

"I...I don't know what to say. I love you, Dara." It came out as a plea, and a sob escaped her.

"I love you too. But everything has changed. I've changed."

"Please, please, Dara, think about what you're doing. Think about what you're risking. If someone finds out—"

"You're not going to tell anyone what I said, are you?" she gasped.

He looked insulted. "Of course not."

"I'm sorry. I just can't risk my family." Her voice was choked.

"I know," he said, his expression softening and dissolving into tears. "I just don't want you to do this."

"I have to."

"Then you'll have to do it without me."

She wanted nothing more than to fling herself into his arms and sob against his shoulder, and the realization that she could never do that again made her double over in pain.

"Jonathan," she sobbed.

"It's not too late," he said, his voice cracking.

"Maybe not for you, but it is for me." It was difficult to get the words out, but they had to be said. "I've been lucky to love you. You're a wonderful man, and I know that, someday..." But she could go no further.

"Dara, no," he pleaded, moving closer to her, but she jumped away from him. If he touched her, she might be undone.

"You have to let me go," she choked.

He turned away from her and sank onto his couch, sobbing in earnest. It tore her to shreds to leave him like that, but she knew she had to do it. She had to walk away and let him grieve because then he would heal. Though she couldn't possibly deny that he had profoundly disappointed her, she still knew he was a good man, and that he deserved a good life.

"Good bye," she whispered. "I'll never forget you."

"Dara," he called, brokenly.

Taking a deep breath and dashing the tears from her face, she did the hardest thing she had ever had to do. As she stepped through the door, as she left him, she felt like she was tearing away a piece of herself.

Chapter 34

Letizia obviously knew something was wrong as soon as she opened the door. The grim look on her face morphed into an expression of worry, and she pulled Dara into her apartment.

"What happened?" Letizia asked urgently. She grabbed Dara's shoulders, forcing her apprentice to look into her face. "Is it your mother? Did something happen with Andersen?"

Speech was beyond Dara. She took a gulping breath, shook her head, and burst into tears again. Sliding an arm around her shoulders, Letizia guided her to a seat. She said nothing, allowing Dara to soak her shoulder with tears.

"Can I get you something? Tea? Water?" Letizia asked, when Dara ran out of tears.

"Water, please," Dara replied, her voice husky. She felt completely wrung out.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Letizia asked when she came back, handing Dara a glass of cool water.

It felt good to drink, the water soothing her parched throat. She drained the glass and set it down. "I broke up with Jonathan." The words felt unreal to her, as if someone else were speaking them. It was unthinkable that they could be true.

"Oh, Dara. I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"I just...I just knew he wouldn't understand, Letizia."

"Understand what?"

"Me." Dara laughed helplessly.

Letizia studied her silently, emotions playing behind her eyes.

"He just believes, with all his heart, and I don't understand how he can."

"We've all been oblivious at one point or another."

"I guess, but I thought...after everything that's happened with my mom..."

A pained expression crossed Letizia's face. "I know."

"I mean, was I a complete idiot to expect it? Was I stupid to think that he loved me more than he loved Magnum?"