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Offenbacher made Hallstrom look like Stephen Hawking. For example, the VP had thought his duties would include the day-to-day operations of the senate. He was fuzzy on the history of Paul Revere’s ride, and when asked how long it takes the earth to go around the sun, he’d answered, “Twenty-four-thousand times.”

“You’re just going to give up?” Jake asked.

“Do you see any alternative? Cronkite has so much power.” Offenbacher shrugged. “Some of the changes he’s proposing make a lot of sense.”

Guccio crossed his arms. “So, you want to give up control of the human race to a single crazy alien in a space ship? A creature that looks like a large ladybug?”

“When you say it like that, it sounds bad.” Offenbacher started to cross his arms and then hesitated and put his hands on his hips. “Maybe it will be an improvement. No more partisan bickering. No more wars. Isn’t this something worth trying?”

Jake closed his eyes and tilted his head down. “And if we don’t like it?”

“Then we can cross that bridge when we get to it.”

“That’s crazy,” Guccio said. “What about the rest of the world? They don’t want to give up.”

“I’m sorry, that’s my decision, and I’m the … I’m the decider. Decider-in-Chief. And I’m not going to stand here while you gang up on me.” Offenbacher turned and walked out of the room, saying, “My decision is final.”

Jake shook his head and was about to say something to Charli when the president came back to the doorway.

Offenbacher put his hand on the door jamb and leaned into the room. “And, by the way, I’m dissolving Hallstrom’s idiotic little reality show. You’re all being voted out of the island. You haven’t really done anything, have you? There isn’t one thing you’ve accomplished. You all have one week, and then you’re fired. And you have to move out. I’ll be getting all new advisers.”

“What are you going to use them for?” Jake asked. “You’re out of a job. Cronkite is in charge.”

Charli kicked him under the table. Offenbacher hemmed and hawed and then left the room.

Jake looked at the others. “Haven’t accomplished anything? Guess he didn’t know about our meditation-assistance device?”

Charli tapped the table. “But we have to admit he’s right. What have we accomplished?”

Jake held up a finger. “And don’t forget the quantum garbage can.”

“Come on, be serious, Jake.” Charli looked at him.

“Okay, seriously, you’re right that we haven’t accomplished anything, but look at what we’re up against. Taking over was clearly Cronkite’s plan right from the start.”

“What can we do?” Guccio asked.

Jake turned to him. “I don’t know, but I’m not going to just give up. We’ve got to fight him, but I’m not sure how. Here’s something we missed. Did you notice how he killed Dane?”

Charli snapped at him. “Yes, I was there. What are you saying?”

Jake put his hand on Charli’s forearm. “I’m saying this: He didn’t blow up the White House. He didn’t kill him with a death ray, he used a tractor beam.”

“Yeah, so?”

“That tells me something important. The sphere doesn’t have offensive weapons. Yes, he had the nanobot-emitter things, but maybe those are for killing pests.”

Guccio rubbed his chin. “I’m not following.”

“Maybe on the planet that the sphere came from, they have infestations of space-rats or something. So, the sphere has a way of sending out nanobots programmed to kill only a particular species. Maybe that’s what Cronkite used on us. The point is, it’s not a wartime weapon. It’s rat poison, but Cronkite could program it to kill us. Maybe the sphere is just a general purpose thing.”

Charli nodded. “Not a military thing.”

“Right.” Jake continued. “It only has things with peaceful uses, but Cronkite has used them to kill. He can go fast, he’s got bug spray, and he’s got a tractor beam. Where are the photon torpedoes? Where are the phaser beams? Unfortunately, even the peaceful tools of this advanced civilization are too much for us.”

Guccio still had his arms crossed. “What about the EMP thing?”

Jake tapped his chin. “Well, yeah, good point.”

“So how does that help us?” asked Charli. “Even the sphere’s defensive systems are too good for us. It’s too fast, and even when it’s not moving we can’t shoot it down. We tried that when it met you. We hit it with everything we had. It didn’t even sneeze. So how does your great insight help?”

Jake stared down at the table. “I don’t know.”

“And no help from DJ1,” Guccio said.

“Right.” Charli nodded. “It just sits there. It’s either not aware of what’s happening, doesn’t care, or intentionally doesn’t interfere.”

Guccio stood up. “For whatever good it will do, until someone says otherwise, I’m still the secretary of defense. I’m assuming the voted-off-the-island thing doesn’t refer to me. I’m sure the joint chiefs aren’t going to just lay down their arms. Everyone think of something we can do before we’re kicked out.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

June 12, 2019

“The souls of the just are in the hand of God, and no torment shall touch them. They seemed in the view of the foolish to be dead, and their passing away was thought an affliction, and their going forth from us, utter destruction.”

Jake listened to the sounds of the reverend’s voice but his attention wandered. During longer pauses in the speech, sounds of water dripping off the dark green awning caught his attention. Charli held his left arm and slumped against his side. He looked through the rain at the cars parked on the grass. An aide hurried through them to the edge of the field.
Something’s up.

Jake nudged Charli and tilted his head toward the aide, who was now pacing back and forth between two cars. She nodded.

The second the service was over, the aide strode over to Jake and handed him a piece of paper. Jake held it low so Charli could read it, too.

Dear Citizens of My Earthly Domain:

To celebrate the occasion of your new world order and the transition to a more orderly form of government, I offer you a splendid exhibition. I, Sir Cronkite, the new number one top leader of your planet, will engage in a hand-to-hand noble duel to the death with Earth’s number one problem-solver, Jake Corby.

This event will take place in two days, at noon on June fourteenth, at the fifty-yard line of Fedex Field.

No weapons of any kind will be permitted.

No one will be allowed on the field except for Mr. Corby and Yours Truly. Spectators will be allowed in the stands. This exhibition will be the first of many that will entertain and amuse you.

Sincerely,

Sir Cronkite

“Perfect,” Jake said.

Charli blew her nose and looked up at Jake. “Why would he do this? It sounds like some stupid Star Trek episode.”

“He’s become more and more obsessed with me. He’s letting that take over his judgment. I can be bait.” Jake opened a black umbrella and they started across the field.

“Yeah, well, we tried that already and didn’t get anywhere.”

“This is different. To fight me, he has to get out of the sphere. I haven’t seen any evidence he has portable weapons and I’m pretty sure that he himself has no special powers.” Jake stopped walking. “Four of his appendages are pretty flimsy, and he’s small. Maybe there’s a chance I could—”

“Forget it. There’s no way he’s going to let himself be that vulnerable. He’s close to achieving his objective, I’m sure he has a way of keeping himself safe. Have you got some kind of plan?”

Jake stared off into space. “We need to get the twins back here.”

* * *

June 13, 2019

Jake ran the meeting in the White House’s deep underground command center. “This is our last chance. Even if Cronkite does something stupid in the future, we won’t be around to take advantage of it. Offenbacher has taken care of that.” Jake rubbed the back of his neck and paced in front of the room.

“I still don’t get it,” Young said. “This duel is too good to be true. Why offer us this opportunity? Why would he even get out of his ship?”

“He’s left his ship before. At my house.” Charli blushed.

“It’s just too hokey.” Young tapped his pen on the table.

Jake said, “Cronkite has been watching too many movies. On our trip he talked about noble duels. He mentioned the fight between King Arthur and the Black Knight.”

“From Monty Python?” Charli’s eyes were wide. “Where King Arthur cuts off all the knight’s limbs?”

“Exactly. And that was right before I pulled off one of his arms.” Jake chuckled.

“Plus, we’ve known all along that he has some kind of hard-on for you, Jake.” Guccio said.

“All because of that press release that Charli wrote.” Young removed a bit of lint from his tie. “The number-one-problem-solver thing.”

“Right. And that’s a good thing.” Jake said.

Guccio paused and raised his eyebrows. “Do you think it could be an actual sexual thing? Seriously. It must get pretty lonely in that sphere.”

“No. If you’re serious, he had me in that sphere with him for a while, and he didn’t have any special requests. I don’t think I’m his type.”

Charli squinted at Jake. “You have an idea, don’t you?”

He barely glanced at her. “Let’s brainstorm our options. Seth, what about the information that the biologists got from analyzing the limb I broke off? Do they think he can regenerate it?”

“We’re sure he can,” McGraw said. “The question is, how long will it take him?”

* * *

The night before the duel, after dinner, Charli watched Jake talking with Sophia.
This could be the last night I have with him.
She whispered in his ear. He nodded, and the three of them, Jake, Charli, and Sophia, headed to the family room for some quality time.

They spent an hour on the floor playing a cut-throat game of Operation and then retired to the couch. Sophia brought over her two favorite books,
Blueberries for Sal
and
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
. Jake sat in the middle, and Sophia and Charli snuggled up on each side. He had his arms around both of them, and Sophia turned the pages.

It was so cozy. Charli didn’t want it to end. This is how she wanted to spend her life. Wasn’t this better than being a top adviser? So much for feminism. She had almost lost Jake and she had lost Dane. She didn’t want to think about what might happen tomorrow. She looked up at Jake and he pulled her closer.

Sophia drifted off before the end of
Meatballs
, and Jake picked her up without waking her. He carried Sophia to her bed, and they both kissed her on the forehead. They said goodnight to Valeria and walked to Jake’s room, the Pineapple Bedroom.

After Jake closed the door, Charli hugged him and put her forehead against his chest. “Jake, I’m sorry.”

“You mean for cheating at Operation?”

She smiled and punched his back with the side of her fist. “Stop. I’m sorry I didn’t support you. I should have been on your side. No matter what. I’m a flawed person. I look for imperfections in people, and I see them. I cut people off. I couldn’t commit to you because of the imperfections I saw. I won’t make that mistake again. You can’t keep your mouth shut. That’s not such an important flaw. Even if you had made the Bozo remark out loud, I should have forgiven you.”

Charli tilted her head up and Jake kissed her. He reached out and turned off the light. The room was illuminated only by the light of the half moon through the sheer curtains.

Jake kissed the top of her head. “It reminds me of the joke about the wife who couldn’t keep her mouth shut.”

Charli’s head jerked back and she looked him in the eyes. “Seriously? You can joke about this? Really?”

“No, of course not. It just popped into my head.”

“Are you testing me or something?” She shook her head and put it back against his chest.

“No, sorry. Forget I said anything.”

They stood for a full minute, lost in their thoughts.

“Okay, let’s hear it,” Charli said, “but make it snappy. There is something wrong with you, Jake. You are one flawed human being. I love you.”

“I love you too, Charli. I have since the plane ride from Mexico City.”

Charli hugged him tighter and breathed in the scent of his body. “Can we get the joke out of the way now, please?”

Jake cleared his throat. “This police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at seventy miles per hour, sir.’

“The driver says, ‘Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at sixty. Maybe your radar gun needs calibrating.’

“Not looking up from her knitting, the wife in the passenger seat says, ‘Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.’

“As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?’

“The wife smiles and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’