Conspirators of Gor (3 page)

In any event, in my room, and apparently in those of Eve and Jane, Mrs. Rawlinson had discovered certain of these books, apparently, as I then thought, to her astonishment, embarrassment, dismay, and indignation. Certainly I had hidden the books, I had thought well, in a trunk, covered with clothing, had confessed to no one that I had read such things, and was terribly self-conscious at having done so. I was miserably embarrassed that this secret was discovered. What would Mrs. Rawlinson, my sisters, others, think of me?

Worse, I could be publicly humiliated, disdained, ostracized, and summarily expelled from the sorority, with all the devastating social consequences which that might entail.

A delicate and fragile world, carefully constructed and maintained with an eye to the future, might tumble about me.

I was frightened.

I was suddenly, for the first time in my life, vulnerable, at risk.

I would be on the outside, alone, ignored and despised, the gates shut against me.

How delighted would be Nora, and certain others of my sisters, at my downfall, my discomfiture!

How rapidly and eagerly would this welcome news of my exposure be broadcast about the campus!

I had come upon such books by accident, in a store dealing with old books. I was curious. I looked into one or more. I was startled. I could not believe, even from the first pages, the nature of what I read. I did not understand how the authors, Tarl Cabot, and others, might have dared to write what they did. Did they not know the formulas? Were they unaware of the political requirements imposed on contemporary literature? Were such so obscure, or difficult to discern? What an unexpected paradox, to put aside the rules, to deny orthodoxy, to speak so plainly, so simply and quietly, and naturally, of a culture so different from ours, and to speak of it not to denounce it, but to understand it, to speak of it from the inside, instead of disparaging it from the outside, from the alleged vantage point of some arrogant, unargued, unquestioned position or posture whose credentials were not only dubious but nonexistent. What of the simple test of life consequences? Is it obvious that an unnatural culture which produces vehemence, confusion, hysteria, sickness, treachery, hypocrisy, mass murder, and hatred is obviously superior to a culture compatible with nature, and her kinds and differences, a culture in which nature is recognized and celebrated, and enhanced by all the ennobling sophistications of civilization, rather than denied?

In any event, if only to my dismay, and fear, the books spoke to me.

Too, they spoke to me of secrets I had long concealed from myself. My life was boring and empty, and largely mapped out for me. I was on a road, cold, glittering, metallic, and arid, which I did not much care to follow. I did not know myself. Perhaps I was afraid to discover myself. What might I learn, what might I find? I did know that I was a scion of a series of species bred for thousands of generations for a world quite different from the one in which I found myself, a world less populated, greener, more open, more perilous perhaps, and certainly more beautiful. And I knew, too, that there were men and women, and that each had been bred beside the other, for countless generations, each in the light of the other, and I suspected, from my thoughts, my needs, and dreams, that they were not identical, but that each sex, so radically dimorphic, had its own wonderful nature, each nature complementary to the other. What of relationships, so pervasive amongst mammals? Had such things not been selected for? Was nature so hard to read? Did the consequences of denying her lead to happiness, or fulfillment? It did not seem so.

But, still, I had been caught.

Books had been found in my room.

Mrs. Rawlinson had sternly summoned me, and Eve and Jane, before her. We were then alone, frightened, in the room with her. The room was not well lit. Her straight, menacing figure was outlined against the wide window behind her. I soon realized, from the books on her desk, that Eve and Jane, too, were familiar with such books. I wondered how many other women, and men, knew of such things.

Could it be that I was not alone, that I was not an isolated, shameful exception to the pompous glories of political orthodoxy?

How rare is courage!

How mighty is the shuffling, drifting, dull, pressing herd!

Eve, Jane, and I exchanged frightened glances.

Oddly, I wondered which of us might be found most beautiful on a Gorean slave block. Do not women wonder about such things?

And what of Nora, and my enemies in the house?

Would they be so different, barefoot in the sawdust, turned, exhibited, in the torchlight, being bid upon?

“Shame! Shame!” said Mrs. Rawlinson, pointing to the books on the desk before her, the window behind her.

“What have you to say for yourselves?” she asked.

There seemed little for us to say. I felt tears of shame course my cheeks. Eve and Jane, too, sobbed.

“I thought so,” she said. “Know that there is no place for such as you in this house. This is terrible, terrible! You are an insult to the house, to your sisters, to the national organization. You are finished here, disgraced. You will go to your rooms, pack your belongings, and leave the premises before nightfall.”

“No,” we wept. “Please, no!”

“Tomorrow morning I shall bring the matter to the attention of the house board, and your sisters, following which the evidence will be presented, and the vote taken, the outcome of which I do not doubt will be to publicly and officially expel you from the house, and, concomitantly, the national organization.”

“Forgive us!” begged Eve.

“We are sorry!” said Jane.

“For offenses less meaningful, less heinous, expulsion is in order,” she said.

“Is it truly so great a matter?” I wept.

“Quite,” she said. “You may now leave the room,” she said.

“Please, no!” we wept.

She pointed to the door and, shuddering, stumbling, numb, we turned about, unable to speak, unable to comprehend the dissolution of our reality, the sudden and catastrophic loss of our position and status, taken as given and unassailable but moments ago.

We had been everything, and now, in moments, we would be nothing, we would be despised and negligible, would be then no more than others, inferiors. The shame of this expulsion would be general knowledge, and certain of our sisters, I thought I knew which ones, Nora, and others, would see to it that the cause of our expulsion would be well publicized. Our continued presence at the school would be intolerable.

“What do you think you are,” asked Mrs. Rawlinson, “reading such things?”

We turned back to face her.

Something had been different about her voice. She suddenly seemed other than she had been.

“We are sorry, very sorry!” said Eve, hopefully.

“You are silly little bitches,” said the house mother. “I wonder what you are good for?”

This was not the tone of voice, nor the diction, to which we had become accustomed. Her carriage, oddly, now seemed slimily lithe, her voice younger.

She was new to the house, as of the beginning of the semester. I was suddenly less clear as to her age.

“Do you wish to be reported, and expelled?” she inquired.

“No,” we said. “No!”

“Remove your shoes,” she said.

We looked to one another, in consternation.

“I see you must vacate the premises,” she said.

We removed our shoes.

“Now,” she said, “kneel before me.”

“It is acceptable,” she said. “I am a free woman.”

I did not understand this, nor, I suspect, did Eve or Jane. Surely we were all free, all of us. Who was not free?

She came about the desk, and pointed to the rug, at her feet.

“Here,” she said.

Scarcely understanding what we were doing, almost numbly, we knelt before her.

It was the first time I had ever knelt before another person. I suddenly felt, overwhelmingly, the significance of this, placing oneself before another human being, in what was clearly a posture of submission. I was shaken. It was as though I had been struck a blow by nature. Was I in my place? Were Eve and Jane? I almost fainted, with understanding, and uncontrollable, suffusing emotion.

“So,” she said, “you think you know of the Gorean world?”

We looked up at her.

“Get your heads down, to the carpet,” she said, “and place the palms of your hands beside your head.”

We were thus kneeling before her in what I would later learn was the first position of obeisance.

“Now you are as you should be,” she said.

We trembled before her, but, too, it now seemed clear that we would not be required to leave the house, that no motion for expulsion would be brought to the floor in the morning, before the board, before our assembled sisters.

“You think you know something of the Gorean world,” she said, “but you know nothing.”

I suddenly realized that she before whom we knelt was not incognizant of the world of which she spoke.

I suddenly suspected that she, too, was a reader of this unusual literature, in which one encountered a different world, a natural world, one so far removed from the negativities and artificialities of our own.

I was very much aware of my forehead pressed to the carpet.

“What little sluts you are,” she said. “It is clear what you are good for, and the only thing you are good for.”

How dared she call us “sluts”?

Then, to our astonishment, she laughed.

“Girls will be girls,” she said.

A laugh escaped me, one of relief. It was a merry jest. But, somehow, we did not raise our heads.

“Look up,” she said.

We did so, but did not rise to our feet. We had not received permission to do so.

“What naughty young women you are,” she said, “to read such books,” indicating those on her desk.

We struggled to smile.

“Remain on your knees,” she snapped.

We did so.

“Surely you understand how inconsistent such things are with the certain dictates and dogmas of our culture,” she said, “with, say, certain principles and notions which are to be taken as beyond question or review, principles and notions which are to be accepted uncritically, mindlessly, without inquiry or investigation, because they have somehow come to exist, and understand, as well, how they might frighten some individuals, individuals of certain sorts. At the least they are not clearly in accord with various prescribed political proprieties.”

We nodded, but remained on our knees.

“Still,” she said, “I am prepared to be lenient.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Rawlinson,” whispered Eve.

“Please,” I said.

“Please,” said Jane.

“Expulsion may not be necessary,” she said.

“No!” I said.

“I am not unaware,” she said, “of the stresses and pressures imposed upon young women, even proper young ladies, refined and well-bred, such as yourselves, by biology. Indeed, how could you escape them? What could you do other than pretend they do not exist? But such pretensions would be unavailing. They will have their way, in one way or another. They will frequent your thoughts; they will emerge in your dreams.”

We dared not respond.

How could Mrs. Rawlinson, a house mother in a sorority such as ours, dare call attention to such things?

“Do you know what such things tell you?” asked Mrs. Rawlinson.

“No,” said Eve, uncertainly.

“That you are females,” said Mrs. Rawlinson. “And doubtless, in young men, stresses and pressures also exist, quite different from those which trouble you, which you strive to ignore or repudiate, but complementary to them. They, too, in this world, have their different whisperings, which they, too, are expected to strive to ignore or repudiate. But it is hard for them, as for you, to ignore the drums of nature, pounding in the blood.”

It struck me as strange that she had used the expression ‘in this world’? What other world could there be? Could there be another world, one in which one need not strive to ignore or repudiate what one truly was? Was it so wrong, to be true to one’s nature, whatever it might be?

Was nature so terrible?

Had it not preserved extant species for countless generations?

“Too,” she said, “you are young, intelligent, healthy, curious, and hormonally active. Too, perhaps you are not wholly happy, or at ease with yourselves. Perhaps you are miserable, bored, unsatisfied. Perhaps you are uneasy, and know not why. It is understandable, then, that you might wish to look into such things.”

“Yes, Mrs. Rawlinson,” said Eve.

Then she put her head down, quickly, frightened.

“Your interest in such matters,” said Mrs. Rawlinson, “despite what you might think, is not unusual. Many thousands know of these things, here and abroad, in Europe and Asia, and elsewhere. To you, it seems it is a secret. But surely it is a strange “secret” which is unbeknownst shared by multitudes, each of its keepers perhaps unaware of the others. But, too, there are many places where the enemies of nature are less entrenched and powerful than here, places where it does not occur to men and women that obvious biotruths, such as the complementary nature of the sexes, are to be routinely suppressed.”