Conquering Chaos (17 page)

Tyler:

My mom tried to teach me to act right, but obviously I had a hard time falling in
line all through school. She even had me see a counselor to try and see if there was
a reason for all the behavior trouble. I was in counseling from eight or nine up until
the age of fifteen, but the only disorder they could really come up with was just
plain old acting up. Part of it, I think, was the effects of not having my dad around.
I was raised in a household full of women, and I was cool with that, but at the same
time I had to figure out on my own what it meant to act like a man. I wanted to establish
myself, be strong and assert my opinions, and I was always looking for ways to be
tough. But honestly, when it gets right down to it. I think I was just born with a
strong will and an idea of what was right, and I was never able to go along with things
that didn’t make sense to me.

But what happens if our child follows our “bad kid” footsteps? Cate and I talk about
what we’ll do if we have a kid like me, a kid who just can’t keep his mouth shut.
And you know what? It might sound crazy, but a part of me doesn’t want my kid to be
a perfect goody-good kid. A part of me is like, “God, please, don’t give me a boring
kid!” I pray no child of mine will ever be out doing crazy stuff and hurting themselves,
but I also don’t want a kid who says “Yes daddy, yes teacher” without thinking for
themselves about whether what’s happening is right and wrong.

We want to leave room for our kid to be strong, to have a sense of what’s fair and
when to speak up. And if that means going out there and getting in trouble once in
awhile, so be it, as long as they’re learning from those experiences. If that means
a few detentions or suspensions, we’ll live with it. The fact is, any kid with strong
opinions probably isn’t going to make it through twelve years of school without some
kind of clash with authority!

The problem kids might act up and do things they’re not supposed to do, but so many
times, there’s something more beneath the surface. They have a spark. They have a
kind of energy other kids don’t have. When they’re younger, they don’t know how to
show that spark without pissing people off — especially if they haven’t had somebody
take the extra time to teach them. But when they get older, if they can learn to channel
whatever it is that makes it hard for them to fall in line, that spark can be the
thing that makes him special.

I don’t want to smother that spark. I want to give them the freedom and the guidance
to build their character. And if they make some messes or take some wrong turns, I’ll
do what my mom did. I’ll ask what happened, I’ll ask what they were feeling when they
caused that trouble. I’ll try and make that spark into something positive.

Tyler:

When we talk about Nova, we talk about how we want her to constantly know how loved
she is. We want to tell her every day, and not just tell her but show her in the way
we live our lives and run our household. Weirdly, Cate and I are just waiting for
the thing we don’t agree on. But our morals and values have sort of blended in the
years we’ve been together. Being old friends makes a huge difference in that way,
because we spent the hardest times of our lives together, developing together. We’ve
been through the wringer. But we’ve always gotten through it as a team, and we’re
determined to keep that going when we’re parenting our child.

We’ve already decided one parent cannot undermine the other parent. If mom and dad
don’t agree, they need to put their heads together. And then we can have a family
meeting. And if they can’t come to an agreement, then you change into jeans. Nova
will never just come up to me and ask for permission. I will ask mom. It’s going to
be cooperative. We have to stay a team.

Catelynn:

I have always wanted a happy, stable home. That’s what I’ve wanted all my life, and
I’m never going to compromise that dream. It’s a promise to myself, a promise to Tyler,
and a promise to our children. Tyler and I confirm it with each other all the time.
We look at each other and say, “We’re going to make this work, and we’re going to
raise this little girl together, and this is how it’s going to be. We’re going to
have bumps in the road, but we’re going to make it. Period.”

Our bond in that is really our belief that once we take responsibility for a child,
every decision has to be made with our child’s best interest in mind. We want Nova
and all of our children after her to know that anything we do in our lives is about
her. Everything is going to be about this kid. We’ll never put our own selfish impulses
in front of her essential needs for love and stability. The times of living our lives
only for ourselves will be done the moment she’s born. Everything has to be about
the baby. Whatever happens after she’s born, everything is for her.

Tyler:

A good parent is willing to sacrifice for their child, regardless of what momentary
pleasure or convenience it costs them. Someone who doesn’t act and do things selfishly,
but parents selflessly,
that
is a parent. And we know that’s a hard commitment to make. But it’s always harder
to do the right thing than the wrong thing. If the right thing was always easy, everyone
would do it!

Growing up, no matter how bad certain circumstances may have been, we always knew
we were loved. Even during the most difficult times we were lucky enough to have moms
that always worked their asses off and consistently showed us how much they loved
us. That’s why we both have all the respect in the world for the women who raised
us. They taught us how to be kind, loving people. We don’t doubt that we will be great
parents because of everything we learned from them.

Our moms were always there for us. We could go to them and be completely honest and
open about anything we were going through because we trusted them and they respected
us. That’s the kind of relationship we want to have with our children. Of course,
it wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies. We also learned from dysfunction the kind
of parents we don’t want to be.

We both know how hard it can be to grow up with just one parent in the picture and
we never want our daughter to have to experience that. We want to be a team, two parents
who are always there for our children. Will we make mistakes? Hell yes! Every parent
does. But we’re doing our best to learn from the generations before us. We’re fighting
not to make the same mistakes blindly, and we’ve prepared ourselves to own up to whatever
screw-ups we do stumble into.

We decided to place Carly in adoption when we realized we couldn’t provide the home
that she deserved. In the years since making that choice, we’ve had even more time
to look back on our family histories and think about how we will do things differently.
We reflected on things like Cate’s mom’s struggle with addiction and how Tyler’s dad’s
absence from his life deeply affected him. The last thing we wanted was to perpetuate
that cycle of dysfunction, poverty, and addiction. All of the pain and heartbreak
we experienced growing up shaped the way we will raise our daughter.

We know that providing a good home is not about money or being able to spoil your
kid. A good home is a safe zone with healthy boundaries and rules based on understanding.
When it comes to raising our children, we want to be a united front, a team. We want
her to know that we will always be there for her and that she can come to us for advice,
support, and encouragement. Most of all, we want her to be surrounded by love so that
she always feels safe and secure. Our daughter won’t go one day without hearing the
three most important words a parent can say to a child: “I love you.” And if she ever
wants proof of those words, we’ll do our best to make sure all she has to do is look
around at the home we’ve made.

When we tell our story, we talk a lot about sacrifice. We talk about breaking the
cycle. We talk about overcoming chaos and conquering bad habits and influences. But
maybe the best way to sum up our efforts over these past years is that we’ve tried
to take responsibility for our lives. We’ve tried to remember that we are in control
of our lives, our choices, our mistakes, and our behavior. We decide what kind of
people we want to be. And even though we can look at our environments and find ways
to explain why we weren’t exactly angels when we were younger, in the end we have
to own our mistakes and take responsibility for what we do.

As we write this book, we’re expecting our second daughter, Nova. It’s never been
more important for us to think about who we are and how to live healthy, positive
lives. Because we know that parents have the most responsibility of all. We want to
raise our daughter with the values we’ve fought to build. We want to teach her by
example how to be an honest person who tries her best to do the right thing, even
when it’s not the easiest thing. We want her to know that the best life you can possibly
have is one you take full responsibility for. Every person chooses who they’ll be
and what kind of life they’ll live. That’s an awesome thing.

We want to share some of our own experiences and ideas about taking responsibility.
There are so many different ways it’s played out in our lives. But learning to take
responsibility has been one of the most important factors in conquering chaos in our
lives. And when anyone asks us for advice, that’s usually the mindset we’re coming
from.

Tyler:

Your self-esteem is your responsibility. It’s no one else’s job to make you love yourself.
People rely on others a lot to make them feel good, especially in their relationships.
But if you feel bad about yourself, you shouldn’t count on a relationship to change
that. Of course your partner should be someone who boosts your self-esteem and make
you feel better about yourself. But it’s not their responsibility to create your self-worth
from scratch. It’s not their responsibility to give your life all of its meaning.
No one can do that for you.

Catelynn and I talked about that a lot whenever we discussed getting married. Of course
everyone has their own issues with confidence and self-esteem. Not everyone completely
loves themselves. But Catelynn and I strongly agree: “It’s not your job to make me
happy. It’s not my job to make you happy. Our jobs are to love each other, support
each other, and uplift each other. But we’re still responsible for our own happiness.”

Catelynn:

You have to have your own self-love before you can accept love in a healthy way. You
can’t have all of your self-worth wrapped up in another person. That’s dangerous!
You shouldn’t have to rely on others for that. You should be happy yourself, and the
other person should be an added bonus.

It’s hard to get over your insecurities alone. There are people out there hurting
and feeling bad about themselves. They’re looking for a partner to save them. But
that’s the unhealthiest way to do that. You need to feel self-worth before you get
into a relationship. When you put your self-esteem in someone else’s hands, what happens
if they mess up and drop it?

First of all, you have to grasp that it’s your problem. Someone else might have started
it in you, but now you’re the only one who can fix it. It’s no one else’s responsibility.
It’s hard to face your demons and come to grips with stuff. But it needs to be done.
Get counseling. Get down deep into why you have self-esteem problems. Learn self-worth
exercises to help you feel better about yourself. It’s so frustrating if all someone
does is complain about their insecurities and then doesn’t try to fix them. If you
have insecurities, work on them! They don’t have to bring your life down.

The insecurity I struggled with was my weight. I’ve always thought I was too big or
too curvy. I think I know where it came from. Starting when I was four years old,
there was a woman in my dad’s family who would pick at my weight when I visited. Every
time I saw her she would say something like, “Oh, you’re getting chunky!” She would
even lecture me about dieting, telling me, “You shouldn’t eat that, too many calories!”
My mom remembers once I got home from a visit from my dad, my mom had some donuts
as a treat to welcome me back. Apparently I said, “Oh, sorry, mom. There are too many
calories in donuts. I can’t have any of those.” My mom was furious!

My mom always told me I was beautiful when I was growing up. I got a lot of positive
messages. But I was still always insecure about my weight. I’ve never worn short shorts
or bikinis in my entire life. Even when I’ve lost weight and been pretty thin, I’ve
always felt fat. That image of myself never goes away. That’s something most girls
with insecurities about their appearances will understand. Even if you’re down to
the weight you wanted to be at, even at a size two, your insecurity still tells you
you’re not skinny. It’s never driven me insane or made me depressed, but it’s always
been there in my mind.

Tyler:

I remember the first time I heard about that insecurity of Cate’s. We were having
a kind of difficult talk about my ex-girlfriend, and Catelynn was crying, and offhand
she said, “I’m not skinny-minny like your other girlfriend!” That caught me off guard.
Of course she wasn’t as skinny as that girl, but I always thought she looked better!
So it really jumped out at me when she showed me that she was insecure with that.
But I never forgot it. Once I knew it was something she struggled with, I always made
sure to be sensitive about it and tell her she was beautiful.

I have the opposite insecurity. I hate being skinny! It’s funny, because since our
insecurities are totally different, neither of us would have guessed what the other
one struggled with. I can’t imagine wanting to be skinnier. And Cate can’t imagine
feeling too skinny. She sometimes jokes to me, “I wish I had your problem!” And I’m
like, “No! Curves are my thing!” But actually, that’s why it was important that we
were open with each other about those insecurities. If we weren’t, we might accidentally
hurt each other’s feelings. For example, if Catelynn didn’t know I was insecure about
being skinny, she might say something like, “Wow, Tyler, you look skinny today!” She
would have no idea that would be really negative to me. I might say, “Whoa, you look
so curvy in those jeans!” I wouldn’t know she would be hurt by that.