Conquered: She Who Dares Book Two (2 page)

That’s why I’m here, to do my crying without an audience. I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty, so I came to the only person who truly knows my ugly: my brother. I’m going back today because the court case is tomorrow, just to add more shit on the pile.

I’m fine with going back to London. I’m ready. I am not some broken little girl. I’m just lost. The question is where to go from here? The answer, I don’t know. Try as I might to deny it Theodore Ellis has changed me. It’s as though he’s left his mark on me. He’s left a chink in my armour that I can’t fix no matter how hard I try. I can’t go back to being the person I was before, that girl is gone, crushed by her own stupidity.

I hate feeling the way I’ve felt these past couple of weeks, and I’m done allowing him to have this kind of power over me. Day by day I can feel myself slowly shutting down. The pain is numbing, but so is everything else. I don’t know how to go forward. I was always strong before, but it was the kind of strength you muster, and you fight for. When I was with Theo I had the kind of strength that is effortless and unbreakable. I can no longer muster the strength, I don’t have it in me. What’s left is this shell I’m becoming. Emotionless, shut down, untouchable. That’s what I need to be right now, untouchable.

I sigh and pull myself up off of the sand. My brother’s house is a two minute walk away over-looking the ocean. Harry’s done well for himself over the years. His garages bring in a lot of money. He specialises in high performance vehicles, and living in Sand Banks, there are no shortage of those.

I walk up the steps of the stark white house. The windows are all mirrored from the outside, it’s one of those minimalist bachelor pads. Typical Harry.

“There you are.” Harry says as he sips his coffee at the breakfast bar. He’s reading the paper wearing only his boxers. Gross. Donnie is sat on the far side of the bar eating cereal, but says nothing. Donnie rents a room from Harry, and sometimes does bits of work for him. He is a man of few words and well used to mine and Harry’s squabbles.

“Can you at least put some clothes on? I don’t need to see you hanging out in your pants, scratching your arse.”

“My house my rules sis, and scratch my arse I shall.” He smiles but doesn’t look up from his paper. His wavy brown hair is sticking in every direction and his green eyes, identical to mine, are blood shot. Harry is not a morning person.

“Nice.” I mumble. I grab a cup of coffee and sit at the breakfast bar next to Harry. I grab a paper and start skimming through the headlines. I feel like I’ve been living in a hole for the last two weeks. World war III could have ensued and I wouldn’t know. I have loved staying with Harry though. He has been a true life saver this last fortnight. It’s impossible to be sad around him. Even Donnie has tried his best to cheer me up.

“You sure you want to go back today?” Harry meets my gaze, his eyes full of concern. I love him dearly, but I swear he thinks I’m some delicate little flower. Although, in his defence, he has seen some shit in the past couple of weeks that no guy should be subjected to. It’s a fact that men cannot deal with ugly crying. Harry’s reaction is to pet me like a dog.

I sigh. “I’m fine. It’s not like I haven’t dealt with worse.”

“I don’t want you to have to deal with any more, Lill’s.” He frowns. Harry thinks he can protect me from the world and sometimes I wish he could.

“Yeah, well life’s a bitch, and sadly this is another one of those incidents I brought on myself.”

He rolls his eyes. “Please don’t tell me you’ve turned into one of those women. ‘I pushed him into the arms of another woman’.” He says in a high pitched voice.

I punch him in the arm. “No, but there’s a very good reason I don’t do relationships. This shit is enough to put me off for life.”

He rubs his arm. “Seriously, you have such a manly swing.”

I ignore him and glance down at the paper to find I’ve turned to the gossip section…and right slap bang in the middle is Theodore Ellis. He’s pictured with his arm thrown around some woman’s neck. He’s almost falling over and he has lipstick marks across his jaw. The headline says; ‘Ellis Up to Old Tricks.’ I quickly close the paper and fold it. I leave the kitchen and go straight to my room before Harry can see me break down. I don’t cry. I’m all cried out. It hurts though. My chest feels like someone is twisting a knife inside of me. I bite the inside of my cheek to stop the tears from coming. Damn him, he will not do this to me. I’m here crying over him, while he’s out partying, drinking and womanising as though we never fucking happened. I want to scream at him. I want to hurt him the way he’s hurt me. I grip at my chest, trying to hold myself together, trying to stop what feels like a physical wound in my heart from ripping wide open. This shouldn’t come as a surprise. What did I expect? He’s Theo Ellis. He’s a fucking arsehole. I hate him. I love him. Oh god, when will this stop!?

I’ve pulled myself together and am just zipping my bag when there’s a knock at my door. I know it must be Donnie, because Harry is a dick and just walks in.

I open it and see him stood there with his head bent, his dark curls falling in his face. He smiles and his dark brown eyes warm me. I’ve known Donnie for years and in a way he’s comforting.

“I just wanted to say bye.” He mumbles. As the years have gone on Donnie has got more awkward around me, and says even less to me. I know it’s just how he is, so I leave him be.

“Thanks for putting up with me.”

“You know, if you ever want to stay here, I have a friend with a law firm who would be happy to give you a job.” He looks at me before looking away shyly.

I smile. “I really appreciate that Don, and I may do one day, but right now London is where I need to be.” I’m not going to throw away a promising career just because I broke up with my boyfriend, I mean seriously?! I know Donnie means well though.

He nods his head looking defeated. “Okay, well come visit won’t you?” He offers a small smile.

“I will. Bye Donnie.” I hug him and he wraps his arms around me tight. Having Donnie around is like having another brother, although sadly, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t see me as a sister.

Harry holds the car door open for me as I say goodbye. I brought the Maserati with me. I just needed to leave and it was the quickest and easiest way out of there. Harry had one of his boys’ drive it up to London to give it back to Theo, but apparently he just told him that the car doesn’t belong to him. Of course he couldn’t make it easy and just accept it. I had to give myself a pep talk for two days just to part with that car.

“Seriously, you want to sell this, you give me a shout.” He smirks.

“It’s not mine.” I say for the hundredth time. Harry took it for a ‘service’ earlier in the week, only to come back and tell me ‘it power slides like a boss’. Child.

“The ownership certificate says differently.” He wiggles his eyebrows.

I sigh, ignoring him. “I love you Harry. Thanks for letting me come up here.” He opens his arms and I go into them. My brother has this way of making me feel impossibly safe. He’s the one person in this world who I know would go to the ends of the earth for me. I’ve witnessed it several times. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him.

His strong arms squeeze me tight. “I love you Lill’s. You know where I am if you need me. I know you say you’re okay, but I can see you’re not.” He pulls back and looks me in the eye. “Anytime you need me, call me and I’m there.” He touches his knuckles playfully to my jaw as he flashes me a blinding smile. Harry gets me. He knows I hate pity. He can make me smile even at the worst times.

“Thanks Harry.” I kiss his cheek and slide into the smooth leather seat of the car.

“I’ll see you in a few weeks.” He says before he closes the door. I start the engine and pull onto the road, the tyres screeching as the engine snarls like an angry cat. Yep, I’m going to miss this car so much.

When I pull into the underground garage by the flat, I have to take a moment before I get out of the car. Living with Harry has given me a chance to pull myself together, but now I’m back here and it’s time to face the music. It’s time for Lilly Parker to put her game face on and suck it up. I’ve had my time, but now it’s time to put my emotions in a box and leave them there. I am done.

I step out of the car, armour in place and ready for battle. God knows this will be a battle and a half.

Today is the court case and oh, how I’m looking forward to this emotional shit storm. Despite Molly and George’s pleas, I’m going on my own. I need to do this alone. I’ve already given my statement, which wasn’t very much. The case should be tight based on the DNA evidence. I don’t need to speak. I don’t even need to be there, I just want to be there.

I’m determined to stand in that court and look that man in the eye. I want him to see he hasn’t broken me. I want him to see that I am not a victim. I need to do this, for myself.

There aren’t many people in the court room when I enter. I take a seat on one of the empty wooden benches. My Barrister gives me a brief nod of acknowledgement before turning back to her paper work.

The judge starts proceedings and the defendant is brought out to stand behind a pane of glass, flanked by two policemen. Of course I have no memory of that night, so I’ve never seen him before. What strikes me first is how normal he looks. He could be any young guy off the street, not the creeper who drugged and raped several girls over the course of several years. He keeps his eyes down as he stands with his hands cuffed behind his back. I like to think I’m a strong person, but even I’m surprised that I feel nothing as I stare at his unremarkable form. I want him to look at me, but he doesn’t.

I hear the doors to the court room creak open and someone sit quietly in the row behind me. All the hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention, my body super attuned to the presence of Theodore Ellis, the only man who can make me lose control. The only man against whom I have no defence or self-preservation. The only man who has ever caused me to feel as though my very soul aches with pain.

I barely hear what is being said in the court room as I sit rigid tense in my seat. I can’t concentrate as my pulse hammers in my ears. It’s a mixture of panic, anger, pain and want all coursing through my veins like a freight train. Of course I should have expected this. I haven’t turned my phone on since I left for Harry’s, I just disappeared. I left Moly and George a note with Harry’s number, so they could reach me. But
he
hasn’t been able to contact me at all.

The next hour feels like an eternity as I sit there, unable to move, unable to look at him. As soon as the jury breaks to deliberate I stand and bolt for the doors of the court room. I refuse to even look in his direction as I pass him.

I keep walking until I find a quiet corridor in the maze that is the court house. I take a moment and look out of the window at the busy street below. I press my forehead against the cool glass and take deep breaths trying to calm my hammering heart.
Pull it the fuck together Lilly
, I scold myself. I take a final deep breath and turn around.

He’s there of course. He’s always there. I haven’t seen him since that day. He looks different, older somehow, more worn, but still beautiful. His stance is casual, hands in his pockets, jacket open revealing a shirt with no tie. His dark hair is slightly too long, falling across his forehead. His stare grips me, his deep blue irises branding my soul all over again until I can’t breathe. Everything about him calls to me on such an instinctual level and it hurts so much.

I
work to keep my face impassive as the pain unfurls like a poison through my veins. It’s that all-encompassing crippling pain that steals your breath away, a desperate longing that brings with it the deepest sadness. I want him so much that it’s excruciating not to just reach out and touch him. I’ve spent two weeks harbouring so much resentment for him, but right now with him right in front of me, it doesn’t seem to matter, because I love him.

Damn him, and damn me for being so bloody weak around him. I grit me teeth and fight the onslaught of emotions that threaten to overwhelm me, I have no room for emotion anymore. I wrestle the hurt back into its box and slam the lid. His eyes study me with their usual intensity. He says nothing, just watches me. I check my armour is firmly in place and my heart buried so deep that not even I can find it, before speaking to the man who until recently meant so much to me.

Chapter Three

Theo

I watch an array of emotions flit across her features. I see the pain, longing, anger, love, hate and finally nothing, just blank, cold and unfeeling.

“I’m not doing this with you Theo.” She says flatly.

For the first time in weeks I feel as if I can breathe properly. I’m like a junkie just craving her, just being in her presence is like taking the best kind of hit. Yeah, I’ll admit I’m totally pussy whipped when it comes to her. The last two weeks have been like my own personal brand of torture. She literally disappeared, her phone was disconnected, even Molly wouldn’t tell me where she was. And now she’s here, and she looks different. She is different.

She’s wearing a black dress, but it hangs slightly on her notably thinner frame. Her hair is loose and wild as always. She still has that unspoken ability to bring me to my knees without ever uttering a word. I’m powerless to her.

I didn’t even realise how much I missed her until this moment. I miss the subtle smell of her perfume, the way her hips sway as she walks, the secret smiles she throws my way, her snarky come backs and her gnarly, abrasive personality. I miss everything that is her. But the woman facing me now is not the woman I know. Something vital has changed in her. Her walls are so far up I can’t see over them. I’m standing close enough to touch her, but the distance between us is like a deep unreachable void. She’s right in front of me, but she might as well be half a world away.