Conquer (Control) (9 page)

We stood silently staring at the painting.  Daemon’s chest rumbled with his deep baritone voice when he finally said, “I found this painting when I turned nineteen.  Frank had taken me to a store that was advertised as a world market.  He wanted to see if there were any Celtic tapestries he could hang up at the bar.  He always wanted the place to have an old Irish feel.   When I stumbled upon this, my mind instantly went back to the day I saw you sitting behind the Center when I returned.”  Daemon grew quiet for a beat. “You were so beautiful.  More beautiful than I’d ever imagined you would become.”

I thought back to the night Daemon explained his fascination with the painting.  He empathized with the knight and believed that both subjects were cursed and tormented.  The painting became more fitting knowing who Daemon was, who he imagined the woman to be.  A whisper of sad thoughts played through my mind, while at the same time, fear started to blossom within my heart.               

“When you talked about this painting before, you mentioned that you agreed that the woman was cursed not to fall in love as well.  Maybe you were right.  Tragedies seem to happen whenever we’re together.  Come to think of it, you were there for the most tragic events of my life.  It seems like we want to love each other, but events keep forcing us apart.”  My voice quieted as I asked, “Are we both cursed Daemon?”

His arms tightened around me as he rested his chin on the top of my head.  Taking a deep breath, his chest expanded before the air push back out from between his lips.  “Tragedy forced us apart, yes.  But it was also tragedy that put us back together, Paige.”  His hand came up to stroke softly down my hair.  “Fate had a different plan for us, Paige.  Not that I’m happy about what happened with Chris, but I have to admit that without his actions, we might not be standing where we are right now.  I wouldn’t call us cursed, Paige…. just sidetracked.”

Unable to meet his gaze, I looked down at the floor. “I don’t know what we are, Daemon. I don’t know if we really have been forced back together.  It is still so damned hard for me to openly commit to this even though there is no way in hell I will ever let you go.  Something is wrong with me, something ripped me to shreds on the inside and I’m afraid I can never truly be whole again. I don’t understand why you put up with me. I’m no good when it comes to this.”

Daemon tensed at my words as his finger came up under my chin.  He lifted my gaze back to his as he said, “I’ve told you before, I’ll wait for as long as you need, Paige.  I don’t care what you call us now, Damsel, as long as one day you will call yourself my wife.”

My heart stopped for a moment and I may have physically flinched at his statement.  Wife?  I hadn’t even considered that, someday, Daemon would want that.  I mean, sure, that’s the normal direction a relationship can lead, but I never imagined that my life would ever end up there.  My chest constricted and my face must have shown it because Daemon’s grin brightened until both dimples flashed out at me.  Oh god…was he proposing?!

Please don’t drop on one knee…please don’t drop on one knee…

Daemon’s face twisted up into an amused expression. “You okay?  Should I call an ambulance or something?  All the color just drained from your face.”

I knew he was trying to make light of this conversation, but the more I thought about us, the more panicked I became.  “Do you really think it could work, Daemon?”  His smiled instantly faded at my question.  Pain boiled within the shifting blues of his eyes and I felt bad instantly for having asked.  However, it was a question that needed to be asked; one that couldn’t be ignored in favor of a desperate hope for
happily ever after
.  Both of us had been dragged through the mud in one way or another.  Both of us had lost our innocence way too soon.  Most importantly, both of us had been trained to hide the most vulnerable parts of ourselves in moments when we should be handing our heart over on a silver platter.

“Damsel…”

“No!  I’m serious, Daemon.  We’re hardened and screwed up.  Our lives have been bent up and butchered so many times over that we don’t know what’s real anymore.  Yes, it all started with what your father did, and it spiraled out of control into what my parents did, what you did, what I did.  We made choices and we endured, but when have either of us ever just let go?  I’ve never loved anyone but you.  I don’t know what to do with that or even what it means!  How do I know that we won’t go into this together only for one of us to flip out and break the other one all over again?!”

I wasn’t sure where all those words were coming from but they kept spilling out of my mouth without a foreseeable end.  Here I was worrying about what would happen when one of us flipped out, not realizing that one of us already had.

Daemon grabbed my face with both hands and roughly held me in such a way that I had to make eye contact with him.  “Where is this coming from, Paige?!”

“I don’t know!  My heart…it fucking hurts.  You keep trying to walk me deeper and deeper into this…”  I gestured between us with my hand.  “…But I’m so afraid that if I let go and follow, that somehow you will be ripped from me again.  I won’t be able to take it a second time, Daemon!  I can’t go through it again.  I’m not distant because I’ve grown cold through life.  I’m distant because I’m scared shitless of being left broken by life.  I’m scared of, once again, being shown, in no uncertain terms, that my life is not within my own control!”

His lips brushed across mine before he pulled back to lock his eyes with mine.  “It’s not, baby.  It’s not in your control. It never has been.  Even if we don’t get to control it all, it doesn’t mean we don’t get to control certain parts.  Right here and right now, we get to make the decisions, not our parents, not the State, not anyone but us. However, you need to calm down, Damsel, because if anything is in control right now, it’s those emotions you are allowing to take over your thinking.  If anything can push us apart again, it’s your fear.”

I knew what he was saying was true, but something about that word “wife” triggered panic within me.  My entire life, I’d avoided emotional ties, commitments of any sort, by refusing to voice or acknowledge anything more than friendship with anybody.  It was as if refusing to speak the words aloud had somehow sheltered me from the emotional entanglements that I’d seen destroy people throughout my life.

Daemon’s voice took on that slow, controlled tone as he spoke next. “Tell me you love me, Paige.  Admit to yourself and to me what is going on inside that head of yours.  You’ve spent way too many years running, and now it’s time that you stop and face the one thing you appear to be the most afraid of….just say it, Damsel.  You’ve said it before…don’t tell me you were a braver person at six than you are now.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked up at the one man who could shatter me if he ever walked away.  He was right.  I never hesitated to tell him how I felt when we were younger, never thought twice about making promises to him that tied me to him for as long as it took me to find him again; but that was before.  Before he was taken from me, before my heart and soul were torn apart by not knowing if he would ever return, if he even remembered me.  This was all happening so fast that it was impossible for me to quiet the chaotic and tumultuous emotions that raged within my body.  I looked up into his face.  The serenity, the calm that reflected from his expression and I wondered how it was even possible for him not to be as terrified as I was.

“Say it, Damsel.  Tell me how you feel.  For once, stop hiding, stop running; just stop and face the very thing that scares you the most.”

Ugly sobs escaped me as Daemon’s gaze burned into me.  Memories of Daemon when he was young, of his face in the rear window of a car that was taking him from me, of the days I would wait outside hoping to see him walk out to find me, battered against the walls of my heart.  All the years of not knowing, of wondering, of being ripped apart from the inside out were crashing against my skull and three words swirled within the depths of all of those memories.  One truth.  I love and have always loved the man who stood before me.  I loved him as a child, I lost him as a child.  I now love the man he became, but could I survive the possibility of losing him again? 

“What if I lose you again, Daemon?”

His arms pulled me to him and I could feel the vibrations ripple along his chest as he spoke.  “Fate doesn’t have that in store for us, Paige.  It brought you to me as a little annoying kid, all pigtails and big words, and it delivered you back to me as the most beautiful woman I have ever imagined could exist.  We promised each other to always find each other, and we did.  There is nothing in this world besides death itself that is strong enough to rip us apart from one another again.  Even if momentarily parted, I will fight against any person or anything to find my way back to you.  You have to believe that, Paige.  I have given you every part of myself there is to give and I know you’ve given me everything in return.  I just need you to admit it, not only to me, but to yourself.  You’ll never stop fearing it if you can never face it.  I promise you, Paige, you will never lose me again.”

I opened my mouth to reply, but quickly slammed it shut again.  Fear consumed me.  It ate at every part of me that wanted to reach out and grab hold of Daemon’s words and believe they could be true.  Daemon’s eyes searched mine for a few seconds before he huffed out a breath, wrapped his arms around me and picked me up.  Carrying me to his bed, he laid me down and crawled up to lay beside me.

“Close your eyes, Damsel.”

My eyes shot to him and I know they narrowed as I glared at him with skepticism.  “What are you doing, Daemon?”

He smiled and reached up to run his hands over my face, forcing my eyes closed.  He let go and nudged my head so that I was facing the ceiling.  “Just trust me, Paige.  Now, with your eyes closed, imagine you are outside in the backyard of The Center.  You are five years old and you are laying in your favorite spot, surrounded by the tall grass.  Imagine the sounds of the cicadas, the wind blowing through the tree limbs and the frogs.”

I knew what Daemon was doing and it wasn’t going to work.  Many shrinks had attempted to hypnotize me when I was younger but quickly found out that I was not the type to be easily put under.  I fidgeted in place and felt Daemon’s hand brush down my body as he attempted to still my moving limbs.  “I can’t be hypnotized, Daemon.  You might as well give up.”  One eye peeked open and I turned to look at him again.  “Shrinks couldn’t hypnotize me and they were trained to do it.  What makes you think you can?”

The corner of his mouth quirked as he attempted to hide his smile.  “I’m not trying to hypnotize you, Paige.  Just trust me on this.  Take a deep breath, let it out, shut that stubborn mouth of yours and close your eyes.”

I gave Daemon one more skeptical glare, but then did as instructed.

“Now, you are five years old, you are in the backyard and you are watching the clouds as they roll past.  The sunlight is warming your skin and a cool breeze is blowing over you.”

I imagined myself where Daemon was trying to place me.  A smile crept over my lips as I remembered back to those lazy summer days.  As I thought back to those special times, my heart rate slowed and my breathing became deep and even.  I could feel Daemon’s hand as it rested against my stomach, his fingers moving back and forth, creating a rhythm for my breaths to follow.

“Now imagine you hear that back door slam open and closed.  Footsteps creep up behind you, and the grass rustles at your side.”

My smile grew wider.  He was talking about the days where we would just lay quietly, side by side, happy to be together.

“You open your eyes, Paige.  You look over and see your best friend lying there.  Laughter erupts from us both just to be in each other’s company.  What do you feel, Damsel?”

“Love.”   I didn’t even have to think about it, my heart swelled with the emotions I felt for him as a child.  Even with the knowledge that there were days when bad things would happen, no matter what, I loved him.  Pure and innocent, my love was strong and unquestioned.

“Now remember when we made promises to each other, Paige?  Promises that we would see each other again?”

I nodded, but my smile began to deflate.  Those promises were made when times started to darken for us, when the events would happen that would alter our lives forever.

“Open your eyes, Paige.”

I opened my eyes and his gaze instantly locked with mine.  The crystal blue of his eyes reminded me not only of the friend from my past, but also of the man who had become the
everything
of my present.  “I’m right here, Paige.  Against all odds, those promises were kept.  Regardless of what happened between my parents, the decisions made by your parents, and the time we were kept apart, we still found our way back.”  His hand came up to brush along my cheek.  His eyes burned brighter as the seriousness of his message was conveyed.  “I will always, ALWAYS, find my way back.  You never have to fear losing me, Paige, because no matter what, I will find you again….I promised you then, and I’m promising now.  We will always be together.  But, baby, you’ve got to keep up your end of this promise. If you keep fearing everything, if you keep letting panic rip you apart from me, we can never truly find our way back to those days.  You have to let go, you have to let me in, and you have to trust that I will fight against any obstacle to make sure that I never lose you again.”

His warm mouth met mine as tears streamed down my cheeks.  The salty taste of my tears mixed with the taste of him as his lips moved over mine.  Years of pent up frustration, anger, and sadness poured out of me while Daemon continued molding himself to me, holding me close, kissing away every sob that escaped me. 

A dam broke within me.  The culmination of the past couple of days, the past few months, and the long years of pain came pouring out of me.  Each event, every emotion, each memory and demon that broke free of me somehow involved this man; losing him, missing him and then finding him again.  Daemon had somehow put to words, the fears that consumed me.