Conklin's Blueprints (43 page)

I heard footsteps following me as I walked past the humpback whale skeleton that was floating over the sea of people on the lower level of the museum.  I kept going, picking up my pace, my anger fueling me to go faster.  I hit the stairwell down towards the carousel, holding the back of my dress so I wouldn’t trip.

“Becca, wait!”  Tyler shouted, rushing down the stairs after me.

Ignoring him, I found the bottom of the stairs and turned into the carousel room.  He grabbed me by the arm before I could book it out the back exit that overlooked the Grand River.  He pulled me back so I was almost touching his chest.  I kept my head turned the opposite way, refusing to look at him.  A small group of people walked by after using the carousel, clearly happy with drink and walked right by our awkward stance.

I felt Tyler’s breath on my neck.  “I’m so proud of you,” he whispered.

I tilted my head to look at him in confusion, seeing adoration and a hint of skepticism spread across his face.  Why the hell was he proud of me?

“Becca!  I have been looking all over for you!”  I rolled my eyes as my mother came through the glass doors from the main foyer where the party goers were dancing and drinking.

Tyler turned to see who was coming up behind us then quickly put his head down and let go of my arm.  A deviant smile came across my mother’s face when she realized I was talking to Tyler.  I watched her body sway in all of the right ways as she approached us with her high bun and cherry lips. 

“We need to do our annual family picture.  We are going to take the picture in the streets of Grand Rapids exhibit.  Tyler, why don’t you come?”

Jesus, she really didn’t get it.  “Tyler isn’t my date mother,” I said through gritted teeth.  She moved her eyes from Tyler to mine, clenching her jaw and widening her eyes at me as though I just said something that would offend Tyler.

“Well, then you need to come with me,” she said sternly and obviously annoyed.  Her stare began to examine my features and my body in a slow gaze picking me apart in her head and pointing out all of the things that needed work.  I hated when she did that.  Why was I never good enough for her?  My blood was still on fire, ringing in my ears, aware of her scrutiny.   “We will have to stop at the bathroom and freshen you up.”

I took a step away from Tyler towards her.  “Why?  I’m never going to be perfect enough for your family picture, Mother.  You can poke and prod at my face, tug on my dress and tell me to suck in my stomach, but I’m still not going to measure up to your satisfaction.”

She gulped and looked at me in confusion.  Tyler sucked in a breath and stepped backwards, aware I was standing on pins and needles, knowing I was going to spit my fire towards my mother.

“I’m sorry I’m not as skinny as you want me to be.  Sorry my posture isn’t perfect, and that I constantly ruin relationships,” I said throwing my hand in Tyler’s direction. 

I started to walk backwards away from both of them, Tyler’s eyes following me.  My mother looked embarrassed, probably only because Tyler was standing in between us.

“I’m sorry I was never good enough for you and probably never will be,” I whispered.  Before my mother could say anything, I turned on my heels and bolted out the back exit of the carousel.

Chapter 26

The air was chilly and crisp, greeting my burning skin.  The coldness shocked my system, causing a tornado to build in my mind.  I kept replaying the evening, finally letting my anger and hatred take over.  I walked along the path around the museum, not sure where I was trying to go.  The river was on my left as I walked through the path that was surrounded by decorative shrubs.  I came up to a white sculpture with a bench and sat down, not caring that the seat was cold and had a small dusting of snow.  I put my hands on my head, trying to stop my body from trembling with anger. 

“May I join you?”  Tyler’s voice came through the cold air.  I looked at him through my hands, and then hid my face again.  Seeing him triggered my emotions, causing tears to fall from my eyes.  I was so boiled up with rage and resentment towards everyone I considered to be someone I could count on that I lost focus on all of the good things they had offered me.  I sucked in air and looked up at him.

“I just ruined everything,” I choked out, covering my face as I tried to hide my sobs.

Tyler shrugged out of his jacket, wrapping it around my shoulders then knelt down on one knee in front of me, tugging his jacket so it was tight around me. 

“Becca, no.  Everything you said they needed to hear, including me,” he said, staring at my face as my tears fell down my cheeks.

My face contorted as I tried to hold back another sob. 

“I just, snapped… I never should have said that to Jamie about Sean.  She is an adult and can make her own decisions.”

“No, you were right.  She saw what that type of behavior did to you.  She should have known it would have a negative effect on you,” Tyler said.  His hands were on his one knee that was just on the outside of my thighs. 

“The look on my mom’s face as I bit into her, it was awful.  How am I supposed to look at her ever again?  And Gage?  He didn’t deserve for me to call him out on his lifestyle.”

I followed Tyler’s gulp down his throat as he flexed his jaw.  “Do you wish he were different?”  He closed his eyes for a long moment, and then when he opened them, they were sad and had a trace of fear.  He swallowed again then spoke, “Do you wish he was ready to settle down?”

I blinked my eyes, trying to focus through the tears.  Yes, Gage was a great friend who could make me smile on a dime.  We could laugh easily with each other and shared the same interests.  We came from two different worlds, but that never bothered me.  His life seemed simple, and it was very tempting to become a part of it.  He always had my back and was great in bed.  The passion we had was unforgettable, but did I want to start a life with Gage at some point? 

I slowly shook my head no, my glassy eyes never leaving Tyler’s.  A trace of a smile was on his mouth as his eyes softened with relief. 

I put my head back in my hands and began to cry more.  I didn’t know what to do.  I felt embarrassed and ashamed because I lashed out at the people I loved.

“Do you want me to bring you home?”  Tyler asked.  I shook my head no with a trembling lip.  I couldn’t face Jamie.  I had said some coarse words to her as well, and I had no idea if she was happy with me or not.

“I can take you to your parents’ house,” he asked gently.  I sniffed and shook my head no again.  Who knows what would be going through my mother’s head after I had laid into her, practically telling her she was a horrible mother all of these years.  I let out another sob, thinking about how crappy I must have made her feel. 

He cautiously put a hand on my exposed thigh.  “You are going to freeze out here, Becca.  Where do you want me to take you?”  The warmth of his hand felt nice as I hunched over more.  He brought his other hand to my other thigh, rubbing circles of heat through my legs.  It felt so nice.

“I can take you to my place if you want…”  He trailed off, scooting closer to me, watching my every move, making sure I wasn’t going to lash out at him.  But I was done lashing out at people, done being angry, and all I wanted was him.

But it always came down to the same question.  How could
we
‘settle down’ if he weren’t willing to open up and let me into his family? 

I was tired of over thinking everything and nodded my head yes.  He took his hands from my thighs and stood up.  I followed suit, pulling my dress in all of the right places to re situate how it was supposed to fit around my body.

We walked silently around the outside of the museum, not entering the actual building filled with the people I had just spit fire on.  I even left my clutch with my phone sitting at the dinner table.

I managed to hold myself together until we got into the Maserati.  I buried my head in my hands crying silently as we drove to Tyler’s place.  He put his hand on my knee the entire way, and I was too exhausted to push it away. 

He hadn’t brought up Ashlynn yet, and frankly, I was too emotionally drained to open up that can of worms.  For the most part I believed him, mainly because he looked like he wanted to rip someone’s head off when he spun around.  And it did look like he was uncomfortable and pushed her away the moment Connor and I walked in.  Plus I knew Ashlynn, and she would make a move, even if Tyler clearly wasn’t feeling it.

I didn’t even notice when we pulled into the basement ramp of Union Square.  Before I knew it Tyler was at my door helping me out into the elevator.  The elevator made it to the top floor and Tyler opened the door for me.  I stood still in the kitchen, wrapping my arms around my waist.  I felt so broken and vulnerable and scared.  Did I just mess up every relationship I had?

Tyler took his coat from me and stood silently in front of me.  “Why don’t you go take a warm shower?  I can make us something to eat?  Start the fire?   We could watch a movie?  Or do you want to just go to sleep?  I will sleep on the couch, and you can have my bed.  Whatever you want, Becca.” 

I stared silently at the ground, trying to wrap my head around what he was asking.

Tyler bounced a little as he waited for me to answer, clearly antsy with my silence. “Come on, let’s go upstairs and get you changed first,” he said, putting his hand on my back urging me up the spiral staircase.

My steps were slow and methodical, my heels making the stairs extra hard to climb. Tyler kept his hand on my back, patiently following me.  I sat on the edge of his bed and crossed my arms.  I was finally aware of how cold I was.  Tyler bent down on his knees in front of me, pulling my foot to his thigh, taking off one of my heels.

“I’m sorry tonight was such a mess,” he mumbled, unstrapping the red leather that laced around my foot.

“It wasn’t entirely your fault,” I whispered, hugging myself closer.  “I never should have gone in the first place.”

Tyler set my foot down and moved my other foot on his thigh.  “No, I never should have believed Ashlynn.  What a lame excuse.  Why would she bring the blueprints?  Which I never should have done by the way… I’m sorry about that.  I was just trying to help.”

I shook my head at him, “Ashlynn is manipulative and malicious.  I’m not surprised by her attempt.”

He cocked his head as he put my other heel down, keeping my foot on his thigh.  He ran his hand up the back of my calf, sending shivers through my body.  His eyes looked pleading, his face inches from my knee.  “Does that mean you believe me?  I didn’t touch her.  I only want you, Becca.”  My eyes softened and watered at the same time.  I did believe him, but we still had a hurdle we had to cross.

His lips slowly parted as he brought them to my knee, kissing it tenderly while looking at me through his eyelashes.

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath.  Feeling his warm mouth on my cold skin sent shivers throughout my body.  He closed his eyes and softly nuzzled my knee.  It had been so long since we had touched each other.  “I believe you,” I whispered, opening my wet eyes to look down at him. 

Tyler stood up and brought me with him, pulling me to his chest.  I lolled against him, too tired and drained to refute being in his arms that felt so warm and inviting.  He held me so tight, nuzzling his head into my neck.

He pulled his head back to look at me, “I
never
should have said what I said to RJ.  I’m so sorry.”

“How am I supposed to know you don’t really feel that way?  We barely go out.  We don’t hang out with anyone else,” I croaked, wiping my eyes.

He closed his eyes in pain, “You’re right, and I didn’t see that at first.  But I…I want so much more with you than what I told RJ.”

“Did you ever think that if you just told him how you felt, he would back off?” I asked.

“RJ and Ashlynn are a lot alike,” he whispered, staring down at me with sad eyes.

Too tired to be frustrated, I closed my eyes and started to walk into the bathroom to run a shower.  I was cold and done for the evening.  I reached for my zipper on my dress and shimmied out of it.  I saw Tyler watching me from the door frame through the mirror.  His eyes were heavy and fluttered as they swept down my body, his mouth in a thin line.  I crossed my hands around my stomach and closed my eyes, wishing I had closed the door.  He sighed and walked out of the door frame.

I stripped from my undergarments and walked into the shower and cried.  About five minutes in, the lights in the bathroom started to dim, and I slumped down to the floor, squeezing my knees to my chest.  I was too tired to fight with Tyler if he was planning on joining me.  But he never came in, and I continued to drown in my own tears.  Once I felt like I couldn’t cry anymore, I reached up to shut the water off and opened the shower door.  I noticed a fluffy towel was on the counter with one of Tyler’s Michigan T-shirts and a pair of my underwear.  I forgot I still had clothes here and had previously wondered where that pair had gone.  It was my favorite and Tyler’s too.  I took my time drying off, patting my damp skin with the towel and slowly putting on the clothes Tyler had set out.  I barely recognized myself as I looked in the mirror.  My eyes were blotchy from crying and my hair was so dark, darker than it had ever been.  It made my bloodshot eyes appear a brighter shade of blue, not as pale as they normally were. 

I walked out of the bathroom to find Tyler sitting on his bed.  He had changed out of his black tux into gym shorts and a basic cotton white shirt.  His eyes were heavy as they stared me down.  I came over to the bed in front of him then put my arms around his neck, sinking into him.  I didn’t know what we were anymore, and I didn’t know if we were going to be able to jump over the hurdle of his family, but I needed him.  I had finally spilled all of my insecurities and stared my tormentors in their faces, spewing fire in their direction, and I felt like the worst person in the world because of it.

He wrapped his hands around my thighs, forcing me to straddle him.  He squeezed me so tight while he rubbed his nose into my neck.  “Baby, I’ve missed you so much,” Tyler choked, pulling his head from my neck to try and look me in the face.  “All I want is you, every inch of you; I will do anything to be with you.  I’m sorry I didn’t trust you around RJ, but I do now,” he murmured so close to my lips.  Tears were rolling down my cheeks again.