Conflicted (28 page)

When our lips touched, the fire that ignited inside of me was totally different from before.

Before, our romance had been forbidden. I was doing something wrong and hurting someone else in the process.

But this time, I was clear of all restrictions.

I’d worried that the excitement of having the forbidden was part of what had made my relationship with Cole so fiery. But all that was gone now, and what I found between us was a stronger, brighter, hotter fire.

His mouth opened to mine, and as his tongue started moving against mine, tingles zipped down my spine and the ever-present ache in my core intensified.

My arms automatically went around him as his hands yanked my hips flush against him. He was hard, and I couldn’t help but remember exactly what it was like to have him inside me.

Both of us panting.

Both of us moaning.

Both of us tumbling to the brink before free-falling right off of it.

Terror crept in.

What if we tried this again and I lost him?

I couldn’t go through what I’d gone through in the past eight months again.

And that was the driving force that pulled my arms from around him and directed them to his chest. I pushed him away, and he looked at me in utter confusion.

“I can’t, Cole.” I grabbed my purse and ran to the door. I turned out of Lincoln’s office, not sure where to go but sure I needed to get out of that room.

“Where’s Cole?” Lincoln asked with a grin. He was sitting in one of the chairs in the reception area, shooting the breeze with the receptionist up front when he should’ve been working in his office.

“In your office. Can we reschedule our interview?”

He stood, concern lighting his face. “What happened?”

“Cole wants to get back together.”

He looked confused for a split second. “Of course he does. And so do you. That’s why I arranged this meeting today.”

“But what about the interview?”

“Sweet girl, there is no interview.”

It was my turn to look confused. And then realization dawned.

Lincoln had never intended to interview me. He’d simply concocted a reason to get me to the office so I could make up with Cole.

“Thanks for meddling, but I think I need to get the hell out of here.” I was furious with Lincoln. He had no right to step into our lives that way. He had no right to get my hopes up that he might give me a job that could potentially be my ticket to independence.

I spun on my heel and ran out the door, opting for the stairs instead of the elevator. I heard Lincoln yelling my name after me, but I didn’t bother to stop. I was too damn angry to talk to him.

Tears blinded me as I ran down the stairs. I slowed on one of the landings, wondering for a split second if I was overreacting. Lincoln might’ve just had my best interest at heart, but Cole and I needed to find our own way back to each other. Orchestrating some meeting under false pretenses was just as bad as starting a relationship on a lie, which was exactly what had caused me to end things with Cole in the first place.

I continued down the stairs. Why the hell was the office on the twelfth floor? It was just one more item on the list of things that pissed me right the hell off. The tears started falling harder as I rounded the fourth floor, and then my heel slid on a stair and I tumbled down toward the next landing.

I stuck my hand out to stop myself from tumbling further, and then I sat up, the broken heel on my shoe preventing me from standing up for a minute. “Shit,” I muttered.

“Shit!” I yelled a little louder when I leaned my weight on my left wrist to help me stand. “Dammit,” I muttered, using my right hand to swipe the tears that were streaming down my face as I sat on the landing.

I was one hell of a hot mess. 

“Are you okay?” Cole’s voice caught up with me before I felt his arms hauling me up from the ground. “Shit. Your wrist is swelling.” His arm came around my waist to help me since I couldn’t walk on my broken shoe.

“I’m fine,” I said, swatting his arm off of me. “Fuck!” I yelled when I’d used my left hand to push him away.

“You’re not okay.”

“I’ll be fine. Just leave me alone.”

I started for the next set of stairs, hobbling on my broken heel, but he stopped me by grabbing my hips from behind.

“No.” He twirled me around to face him. “The last time I let you walk out of my life, you left me a broken man. I’m not letting you walk out again. Not without a fight, Lucy.”

“We’re better off apart.”

“We never gave it a fair shot.”

“Let me go.” I tried pushing him away again with just one hand, but it was useless. He was much stronger than me even when I didn’t have an injured wrist.

“How bad is your wrist?” he asked, gently taking my hand to inspect it.

“It’s fine.”

“Stop saying it’s fine.” His finger came under my chin to force me to look up at him. “How bad?”

“It hurts.” I couldn’t lie when his eyes were right on mine.

“We’re going to urgent care.”

“I’m not going to urgent care. Don’t be ridiculous.”

He closed his eyes in frustration. “You need to get it checked.”

“It’s fine.”

“Oh my God, you’re infuriating. I realize you’re not my employee anymore and you don’t have to listen to me, but will you go to the fucking doctor to get checked out?”

The frustration in his voice convinced me. “Fine.”

Shock spread across his handsome face. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

He finally dropped his hands from my waist, and I felt the immediate absence of his touch. Out of nowhere, I was swept off of my feet and into the arms of Cole.

It felt an awful lot like I was in the arms of the man I loved.

I shook the thought out of my head. I didn’t know if I still loved him. I couldn’t love him. Too much time had passed—or something. I knew there was some reason.

He carried me down the stairs, tossed me into the front seat of his car, and sat with me at urgent care. He carried me back to his car two long hours later with a wrap on my strained—not sprained—wrist, a bottle of mild painkillers in one hand and my shoes in the other. And as each moment passed, the reasons why we were supposed to stay apart drifted further and further from my mind.

But all the reasons why we worked were sure at the forefront of my mind.

Especially the sex.

The sex was right there in the front of my mind.

It may have been the painkillers talking. I’d try to think about things again when I was lucid, but for now, being with Cole felt nice. It felt right.

Something had been missing since the night I’d left John. To be fair, a lot of things were missing, but the only thing that I still missed from that time in my life was Cole.

It wasn’t my husband or the home we shared. It wasn’t the idea of love. It wasn’t marriage.

It was Cole.

“Where to?” he asked.

I yawned. “My car is still by Lincoln’s office.” I leaned my head against the window. It wasn’t a very soft pillow, but my eyes wouldn’t stay open.

He fired up his Audi. “We’ll get your car tomorrow.”

I finally gave up the fight with my eyes and let them stay closed as I spoke. “No, tonight’s fine. Kaylee will be expecting me.”

“Why don’t you text her and let her know that you won’t be coming home tonight?”

“Mmm,” was the last thing I remembered saying.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

A beam of sunlight fell across my eyes, and I woke with a start. I sat up and tried to figure out where the hell I was. I glanced down at the t-shirt I was wearing. It wasn’t mine, and I didn’t really remember putting it on.

Movement beside me in the bed caused me to gasp.

“Morning,” Cole said with a sexy, sleepy smile.

“Where the hell am I?”

“My house.” His grin widened. “Construction finally wrapped a couple of weeks ago, but I haven’t had time to furnish the guest room.” I appreciated the explanation as to why I woke up beside Mr. Benson himself.

“Or purchase blinds, apparently,” I said. My eyes adjusted to the brightness, and I couldn’t help my stare as my gaze fell to the window. Water rolled tranquilly in and out of the shoreline just steps away from Cole’s bedroom window.

He chuckled. “Actually, I purchased them. I’m just waiting on delivery. But I was tired of hotel living, and frankly, window coverings don’t bother me.”

Anyone on the beach would be able to look in the window and see what was going on if the lighting was right. I had to wonder how many women he’d brought back to this very bed since he’d moved in. It was a bachelor pad to be sure, and he could easily score with whoever he wanted to.

Me included—but I wasn’t about to admit that to the devil himself.

“Can I get you some coffee?” he asked.

I nodded. “That’d be great.”

He flipped the blanket off and stood from the bed. My mouth watered as I gazed at his naked back down to his boxer-clad ass as he stretched.

My God, he was a fine specimen of a man. His shoulder blades appeared to shimmer in the morning light as I watched each beautiful and smooth muscle flex.

He turned back toward me, opening his mouth as if he was going to speak. But then he caught me totally checking him out with my mouth dropped open. I just hoped to God that I wasn’t drooling. He chuckled, closed his mouth, and left the room.

I pulled the sheet up over my face in total embarrassment.

I’d get over it. The man had once screwed me in a ladies’ room, for crying out loud.

But it was still embarrassing.

It was hard to believe that all of this could be mine if I would just open myself to the possibility.

I headed into his bathroom and found his toothpaste. I finger brushed my teeth, swished some mouthwash, and ran some cold water over my face. It would have to do. I peeked into Cole’s shower and saw a bottle of his shower gel. I picked it up, opened it, and inhaled deeply.

God, I’d missed him.

A flood of memories overwhelmed me. We’d had a lot of good times together. We’d built an emotional bond. We’d started to fall for each other.

Why was I fighting this?

A mental image of blonde Heidi straddling Cole in his desk chair flashed through my mind, and I suddenly remembered why.

He hadn’t cheated on me, exactly, and he’d explained himself. Was I harping on the past too much? Wasn’t what I had done just as bad?

Why couldn’t we just start from scratch?

We couldn’t put the past totally behind us. It would always be a part of our story, but the past could remain where it belonged as we started to look toward a future together.

I knew the thought of him with Heidi wouldn’t always dominate my mental images. It would take time to erase it from my mind, but considering our circumstances, what he’d done was ultimately a forgivable offense.

I supposed I’d just have to replace the images of Heidi on top of him with images of me on top of him.

Or him on top of me.

Or him behind me.

Or his face between my legs.

I finally emerged from the restroom and found Cole sitting at his kitchen table, his eyes concentrating on his phone and his brow furrowed. Two cups of coffee sat in front of him along with a variety of sweeteners and cream.

It was sure a change of pace to see Cole getting
me
a cup of coffee.

“Can we talk?” I asked softly.

He set his phone down immediately and looked up at me. I appreciated his undivided attention.

My gaze shifted to the packets of sugar and Splenda on the table. “Did you steal those from a restaurant?”

He chuckled. “I’ll never tell. I realized I don’t know how you take your coffee, so I put out everything.”

“I actually like it black.”

“Huh. Wouldn’t have guessed that.”

I sat and took a sip from the steaming mug. “Tastes good.”

“I assume you didn’t want to chat about coffee this morning. But before we get to that, how are you feeling?”

I held up my wrist. “I’ll live.”

“Your meds are on the counter. Want me to get you some?”

I shook my head. They had made me so sleepy the night before, and I needed to keep my wits about me for this conversation.

I drew in a deep breath for strength, suddenly nervous. I knew he wanted to be with me, so this shouldn’t have been a difficult conversation.

“I thought a lot about what you said yesterday, about not giving up without a fight. I’m terrified, Cole. I’m terrified of you and what you could do to my heart. It already broke once the first time I left, and it’s just now starting to heal. It’s fragile, and getting involved with you again could shatter it beyond repair.”

“I won’t let that happen.”

I pursed my lips. “I know you, Mr. Benson. You run hot and cold. You’re moody as fuck and you don’t give a shit what other people think about it.”

He tapped his fingers on the side of his coffee mug. “You only know me as your boss. We’ve never given a relationship a try.”

“You admitted that you don’t do relationships,” I fired back.

“Doesn’t that tell you something, then? That I’m willing to try with you?”

“Why didn’t you want to try with Heidi?”

He sighed as he looked out the window. I could tell I’d pressed a button, but this would never work if we didn’t get it all out on the table.

He searched for the right words, and finally his eyes landed back on mine. He shrugged and shot me a sad smile. “Because she isn’t you. You care for me in a way I’ve never had before. You’re someone who my mom would’ve been proud to see me with.”

“Would’ve?” I asked, flattered at his words but focused on the one word that stuck out more than the others.

His eyes clouded and he shifted his gaze down to the table. “She passed away last month.”

“Oh my God, Cole.” I rose from my chair and moved toward him. “I’m so, so sorry.” I knelt in front of him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

He shifted and pulled me onto his lap. He cradled me like a child, my arms around his neck and my cheek against his racing heart. “What happened?” I asked.

“Cancer. It was fast.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m handling it.”

“How’s your dad?”

“About as good as can be expected. He’s having a rough time, but it helps that I’m so close. I see him nearly every day.”

“I want to go with you today.”

“He’d love that.”

I wrapped my arms around him a little tighter. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when it happened.”

“You couldn’t have known. We’d been apart for months, and even if we hadn’t been, we weren’t in a relationship.”

“I know, but still…”

“Look,” he said, pulling back to look me in the eye, “the only thing I can do is use it as a learning experience. My mom was the nicest, most thoughtful person I’ve ever known. She taught me that every day is a gift, and nothing proved that more than when she was with me one day and gone the next.”

He paused, and I let those words sink in. “The moment I saw you at that bar, it all came rushing back. I didn’t expect to see you at Lincoln’s office, but when I did, I realized what a hole you’d left in my life when you’d gone. Not just at work, but personally. I haven’t been the same. Each day just blurs into the next. I feel like I’m living my life but not really experiencing it, you know? And that’s no way to live. But seeing you again…seeing you was my answer. You’re my answer.”

“Then let’s live again.”

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You…you would do that? With me?”

“I’d like to try. I’d like to at least go on a date and see where it goes.”

“Go on a date? I was more thinking along the lines of you moving in here with me and taking your old job back.”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” I said, holding up my hands. “Just hold your horses. We need to take things slowly.”

He laughed, and I stood, backing away from him slowly. He hopped out of his chair and charged toward me. I kept backing up, and he kept moving right along with me.

And then I was out of room, up against a wall with nowhere to go. He pinned me there with his hips.

“I really want to make love to you,” he said, his lips finding that one spot on my neck that drove me wild with lust for him.

I set my hands on his chest, but I didn’t push him away. “And one day, you will. But first, you need to take me on a date. You need to prove that you’re ready to commit to just one woman.”

“You want proof?” he growled.

I nodded, and his lips trailed up to mine. He kissed me softly, lingering with his mouth closed over mine for a moment.

“Here’s your proof, Ms. Vance.” I smiled at his use of my maiden name. “I haven’t been with anyone since the night you walked in on Heidi and me.”

This time I did push him away. “Shut up.”

“I swear. I’m done with meaningless relationships. I’m done with the late night booty calls and one night stands. I decided the next time I’m with a woman, it will be with somebody I love. There’s only one woman I’ve ever fallen for in my entire life, and she’s standing right in front of me. I love you, Lucy. I’ve loved you for a long time, and now we can actually give this a real try.”

“I love you, too, Cole.” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. I’d been debating my true feelings for too long. In the moment, the words slipped out unplanned.

It was from the heart rather than from my dumb, overthinking brain, and that was how I knew it was true.

His eyes lit up with shock, and then his mouth crashed down to mine.

Everything turned right in the world as his lips worked against mine and his tongue battered my mouth. One of his arms snaked around my waist to haul me as close as possible to him while his other hand gripped my hair. He was somehow brutal and gentle and rough and tender all at once, and the shards of my shattered heart started to piece back into place once again.