Confessions: The Private School Murders (41 page)

Here’s a little something
you may have observed over the past couple hundred pages of my story, friend: I don’t know how to relax.

My tiger parents went to the most extreme lengths to promote hard work and brilliance, even though it meant using me, using all of us, as guinea pigs. I was taught to achieve great things, to overachieve, to recognize excellence and go after it.

I wanted to take Jacob’s advice. I wanted to kick back and enjoy myself and just let this tremendous feat of human engineering squire me directly to the guy I loved, and I tried. I did. I went to the spa and got a massage but was so fidgety I only lasted ten minutes before I got up, scaring the hell out of the
masseuse, and walked out. I tried to float in the pool, but my brain was too crowded with what-ifs.

What if James had changed?

What if my memories of him had been tainted and twisted by Dr. Narmond’s mind-altering machine and he wasn’t at all as I remembered him?

Or, worst of all, what if I had changed so much that James didn’t like me? The real me? The me I was now, off the drugs?

I ended up falling off the float and nearly drowning myself. Then, after a healthy salad lunch with my brothers, I got so obsessive I threw up over the railing.

Lovely, I know.

But it all begged the question: How the hell was I going to survive an entire week of this? Would I even make it to Paris, or would they have to sedate me and fit me for a straitjacket before I ever got there?

93

Exercise.
Exercise turned out to be my savior. It expelled all my nervous energy, got my blood pumping in a positive way, and cleared my mind. I was jogging around deck seven that afternoon when it finally got through to me, what Jacob had said about being with my brothers, really being with them.

I didn’t even know where we would be living next week, or on what continent. Now was the moment for quality time.

So I joined in on Matthew’s exercise routine, morning and late afternoon. Working out with him finally relaxed me enough to do all the other things Jacob had suggested. I went to the Canyon Ranch Spa with Harry. We had massages
and mud baths (separately, of course) and I indulged in all manners of facials and nail treatments. I had my hair cut a couple of inches while I was at it, and added a blond streak to the front.

I also swam with Hugo. My little brother was like a fish. He loved being in the water. We did laps, we played ball, we made up stories and laughed and made friends with some other kids on the cruise.

Harry and I stretched out on lounge chairs and just talked. He told me that C.P. really listened to him and he’d been missing that in his life. I realized she’d done the same for me. I guess lately Harry and I hadn’t been quite as tight as we’d been right after our parents’ deaths.

“I know you listen to me, too, Tandy,” Harry said. “But you’ve been so… unstoppable lately, you know? C.P. just chills out and lets me talk.”

“I get it,” I told him. “But when we get home, wherever that turns out to be, I promise I’ll try to be there for you more.”

Harry smiled. “Right back at ya.”

I went to the dance club with Jacob, and it turned out that, for an old guy, he could really dance. We held a contest to see who could spin the longest without hitting the deck, and when Jacob took out a table full of party girls, I laughed so hard I almost hyperventilated.

Once Jacob was able to see straight again, he grasped my arm and smiled.

“It’s great to hear you really laugh, Tandy,” he told me. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”

I took my grandfather Max’s five-franc piece to the jewelry store, and they put a gold band around the perimeter and added a loop and a gold chain. I was wearing it now, and I didn’t think I would ever take it off.

I sat in the Golden Lion pub with Matthew.

The lounge is in the bow of the ship, on the second level, so we were really close to the waves breaking around the prow. Matthew told me about Tamara and his grief at the loss of her and their unborn child, and how betrayed he still felt by our parents in every way.

“I’m not going to take my share of the inheritance, Tandy. I’m going to go back to the team next season, and I make enough on my own,” he told me. “You guys keep the money, and if you ever need more, just let me know. In fact, let me know if you need anything. Blood, internal organs…”

I laughed and shoved his arm. “Gross!”

Matthew smirked and tipped his head toward the sun. He was looking healthier every day, morphing back into confident Matthew Angel, football star. I even caught a couple of girls eyeing him as they walked by.

Hugo made friends with the sailors. He learned knots. He learned celestial navigation. He lifted huge metal parts and humped them around the deck, showing off, making people’s jaws drop. He lifted a two-hundred-pound man in a lounge chair. And then he lifted the man’s even bigger wife.

Hugo was so in his element, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d eventually decided to make his living on a cruise ship. But it was Harry who landed an actual gig—in the piano bar.

He played old favorites. He played pop. He played compositions of his own. After a couple of days, he had a following of swooning young girls and retirees and music lovers who wanted his picture and his autograph.

I took a class in vegetable carving. I read fiction. I signed up for lessons in meditation, and I did it, on deck, smelling the sea, unfrightened by the knowledge that there was absolutely nothing around the ship for hundreds of miles except changing sky and deep, deep water. I did rest. I really did.

And finally, finally, land was in sight and at four thirty in the morning, the regal
Queen Mary 2
sailed majestically into the British port of Southampton.

And even after all that resting and clearing my head, all I could think about was James.

94

Jacob, my brothers, and I
boarded a plane at London Heathrow Airport and flew to Paris. Before we’d checked into the Hotel George V, we had a plan.

I would meet James privately at the appointed time and place, and then, after an hour or so, I would bring him with me to Gram Hilda’s house, where we would meet up with my family to see what could be our new home.

“How do you feel?” Jacob asked as he put me in a taxi.

I felt like my skin was humming. Like everything inside me was fresh and clean and pure. I felt like anything could happen.

“Perfect,” I told him succinctly.

Jacob smiled. “We’ll stay in the hotel until we hear
from you, Tandy. Call. Don’t forget to call. Is your phone charged?”

I nodded. Then Jacob forced money into my hand and told the driver to take me to the Louvre.

I was so deep in thought, it was as if I blinked once and the ride was over. I handed the driver some folded money and got out of the cab at the Place du Carrousel, the plaza fronting the world-famous Louvre, home of the Mona Lisa and the Venus de Milo.

There, in the plaza, near the gigantic, iconic glass-and-metal pyramid, was where I stood. Somehow, I stood still, even though every cell in my body seemed to be vibrating with anticipation.

At just before noon, there were countless people crossing the plaza: couples holding hands, dog walkers, and bicyclists.

The calm I had cultivated over the last week had vanished. My back was to La Pyramide, but in front of me was a wide cityscape with limitless hundred-and-eighty-degree views. I looked everywhere at once, my eyes flashing over the faces of strangers, searching, searching, searching for James. I must have looked insane.

And I kind of was.

Where was he? Was I in the right place? Would he show up? Oh, God, what if he didn’t show up?

“Tandy!”

My heart leapt into my throat. I whirled around, scanning the throng. The world was still busy whizzing by me. With no one coming
to
me.

Of course, I’d imagined it.

Of course.

95

And then I saw him.

His hair was darker and longer than I remembered, and for a second I was sure once again that I’d hallucinated the sound of my name. He was dressed all in brown, a leather flight jacket, tan backpack, khaki-colored pants. James always wore blue. Always. At least a little bit of it.