Confessions of a Litigation God: A Legal Affairs Full Length Erotic Novel (38 page)

And I did. Hands
down, it was hot as hell banging her against her office wall, but
there was a time last night… when I was laying in my bed
before going to sleep that I deeply missed not having Mac there. I
brooded over that for a long time before I finally was able to drop
off into slumber.

Mac’s body
sinks back into mine. She gives a tiny moan as my lips graze her ear
and she feels my erection pushing into her from behind. I had not
intended to do anything sexual with her. I had really just wanted to
kiss her, smell her hair, and listen to her talk for a few minutes.
But when she moaned, raw need slammed into me and my hands went to
the sides of her dress and started to pull the material up. Mac’s
head fell back onto my shoulder and she held her breath to see how
far I’d go.

But because this is
Mac in my arms, and I can’t seem to stop where she’s
concerned, she has to know that I’m going all the way.

When I get the
bottom of her dress around her waist, I stick the tips of my fingers
under the lace against her hipbone. Just as I’m getting ready
to dive in, Mac jerks in my arms and steps away from me.

Pushing her dress
back down, she turns on me and asks, “Wait… what are you
doing?”

“Trying to get
under your skirt,” I growl and advance on her, my hands
reaching back out to move that offensive material out of my way. I’m
thinking we’d both be well served if I can drop down to my
knees in front of and get her off with my tongue first. It’s
been far too long in my opinion.

But Mac apparently
has other thoughts and holds her hands out, palms up. “Hold it,
mister. We can’t just keep having sex in your law firm. We’re
going to get caught.”

I give her my best,
most devilish grin… one that I know is sexy and practically
irresistible. My hand snakes out fast and grips the back of her head.
“That makes it all the more exciting, don’t you think?”

I don’t wait
for a response but bring my hand up and palm her breast through her
dress, lightly squeezing and watching as Mac’s eyes dilate and
she sucks in air through her teeth. Damn, she’s so fucking sexy
and I definitely need to get my tongue between her legs like right
now.

Just as I start to
reach for her dress again, Mac gives a slight shake of her head and
steps back away from me. She smiles at me, but it doesn’t quite
reach her eyes. “Sorry, baby… no can do. You’ll
just have to wait.”

No, no, no, no.

Mac simply doesn’t
refuse me. It’s unheard of… an impossibility.
Disappointment courses through me, and something dark starts to swirl
in my stomach. She watches me with wary eyes, and I have to resist
the urge to grab her and pull her to me.

And, fuck yeah, I’m
mad. I’m fucking vibrating with need to be with Mac, and she’s
shutting me down. She’s taking away that small measure of peace
that comes when I’m able to get lost inside of her.

But I’ll never
let her know she has that type of pull on me, because frankly…
I don’t want her to have that type of pull on me. So I give her
a smile and say with utter nonchalance, “No worries. I have a
meeting I need to get ready for anyway.”

I turn away from Mac
and head to my desk, intent on getting back to work.

“Are you mad
at me because I said ‘no’?” she asks, her voice
unsure… hesitant… fearful.

Turning back to her,
I give her my most surprised look I can muster. “God, no. You
can say no any time you want to me. I’m a little disappointed,
but trust me… I’ll get over it and try again with you.”

Her eyes pin me for
a moment, not fully accepting what I’m saying right away. We
engage in a staring war, and I don’t let go. I’m not sure
what it says about me that I’m able to hold a straight, poker
face while blatantly lying to her… because yeah, I’m
pissed I can’t have her.

Mac stares at me a
moment more, and then gives me a delicate smile. “Okay, then.
I’ll see you later tonight.” She walks out of my office
without a backward glance.

That’s right…
I told Mac last night, just after I fucked her against the wall of
her office, that we’d do something together this evening. A mix
of emotions wars within me, wanting desperately to be with her
tonight, and yet feeling the need to continue putting distance
between us. Especially since it’s crystal clear by that little
exchange… Mac’s denial to me fucking hurt and then
pissed me off. If she’s still making me feel those range of
emotions, it means I’m probably still sucked in deep with her,
and that makes me feel uncomfortable and out of control.

Sitting down at my
desk, I flip lazily through emails when one from Rob Gendhard catches
my eye. It’s an invitation for a “boy’s night out”
tonight. They often invite me out, and I rarely go, because hanging
out in a bar and getting drunk isn’t usually my thing. Unless
I’m pining over Mac, and in this instance, I’m definitely
pining for simpler times with Mac.

Before I can talk
myself out of it, before I can fully appreciate how much this is
going to hurt Mac, I shoot off a quick response to him to count me
in.

The rest of the
afternoon, I try to concentrate on work, but I can’t. My
stomach burns in shame over what I’m getting ready to do, and
I’m dreading the look I’ll get from Mac when I do it.

Just before seven
PM, I look up and Mac is standing in my office doorway, her briefcase
satchel slung over her shoulder. She gives me a bright smile on her
face that fucking causes my heart to contract uncomfortably.

“Hey you,”
I say softly. “I was just getting ready to come down to your
office, so it looks like you saved me a trip.”

I wasn’t
really getting ready to go down to her office. I was procrastinating
and avoiding, but she doesn’t need to know that.

Her voice is soft,
husky, and her eyes warm. “So, what do you want to do tonight?”

My stomach cramps
painfully and guilt is practically oozing out of my pores. “Um…
actually, I was on my way down to your office to tell you that I’m
going out with some of the guys to get some drinks.”

I try not to cringe
when I see Mac’s face fall… her mouth turn downward…
hurt fill her eyes. I almost blurt out that I was just kidding, just
so I don’t have to see that pain.

But I don’t. I
stick to my guns because my gut is telling me that this needs to be
done. That for all of the insecurities I’ve been feeling this
last week, for the raging need I still have for Mac, yet the
inability to reciprocate what she desires, my gut is telling me…
Make the break
.

While I’m not
quite ready to listen to my gut and make a clean break, I do need to
break our current path and reset things.

Mac isn’t
quite ready to give up on me yet. “Oh… okay. Well, do
you want to come over to my place after?”

Yeah… she’s
not ready to roll over and capitulate, and my fucking fickle heart
actually sighs in relief. But I tamp that down, tell my heart to grow
a pair of hairy balls, and to man up. “I’m sorry, Mac…
but this is kind of one of those nights that I’ll probably be
out all night with the boys.”

“The boys?”
she asks blankly, and even I know how fucking stupid that sounded. I
don’t have “boys”, a “posse”, or even a
group of casual acquaintances.

Still, I go in all
the way with my story. “The boys. You know, Rob, Mike, and Joey
from litigation, and Sam in estates. And I think that new guy…
Bill’s paralegal is going. The boys.”

“But you never
go out with the boys,” she says in confusion.

“Sure I do.”

“No, Matt…
you don’t,” she says with just a tinge of anger in her
voice. “You even told me once that you couldn’t stand
being around a bunch of drunk guys acting like morons.”

Fuck… she
knows me too well.

Giving her my best
henpecked look, I grumble, “Look, Mac… if you don’t
want me to go, I won’t.”

She takes a deep
breath in and lets it out in resignation. “It’s not that
I don’t want you to go. I do want you to go out and have fun.
It’s just… I haven’t seen you in a while, and I
miss you is all.”

Smiling at her, I
say, “I know,” and then I hastily look away because that
painful look is back on her face. I’m killing her by not
telling her how much I miss her too. It’s killing me to know
that I’m hurting her, yet I push forward, because my conscience
is telling me that this is the best thing for
me
.

To go back to those
simpler times.

I lean over and pick
up my briefcase, intent on going out with Rob and “the boys”
for one drink, then my ass is going home where I can sulk.

Just as I reach out
to open my door, Mac says, “Are you doing this to punish me for
not having sex with you today in your office?”

I don’t have
to fake the startled look on my face because I would never punish Mac
for not having sex with me.

Ever.

“Absolutely
not,” I tell her with conviction.

“You’re
sure?” she asks as she takes a step toward me. “Because
you looked a little peeved at me when I said no.”

Reaching out, I pick
up a lock of her hair from her shoulder and rub it between my
fingers. I memorize the color, the silky feel… I inhale and
memorize the scent. Sadness overwhelms me because I’m really
not sure what in the fuck I’m doing, but this may be the last
time I’m able to touch her. I guess my hope of hopes is that
Mac will sort of work with me on this, ease with me back into more of
our original roles of more of a sex-only relationship. While deep
down, I tell myself Mac doesn’t have it in her to go backward,
it doesn’t stop me from hoping.

Not going to stop me
from trying.

Dropping her hair, I
look up into her eyes. “Don’t fool yourself, Mac. If I
really wanted to, I could have gotten you to change your mind today.
So you see… there’s nothing to be mad about.”

Mac’s eyes get
shiny with tears but she hastily blinks them away, giving me a small
nod of acquiescence. However, I don’t miss that there is a
little bit of resignation in her look as she comes to the realization
that yes, things have changed between us.

Most of all though,
I see a woman who told me she loved me, and is probably realizing at
this moment that I don’t have the capacity to return it. It’s
fucking tearing me up to see that look on her face, and I blurt out
in desperation to try and ease her pain. “I promise…
tomorrow you and I will do something special, okay?”

She blinks hard
again and gives me a nod. I don’t think she trusts herself to
speak.

I can’t bear
to look at her sorrow a minute more, so I lean over and give her a
quick kiss, then practically run away from Mac and all the terrible
emotions swimming through me right now.

A knock on my office
door has my head snapping up. I see Rob standing there, waiting for
an invitation. I don’t feel like talking to him… anyone
for that matter, but I wave him on in.

“What’s
up?” I ask as he walks up to my desk and takes a seat opposite
of me.

“Just seeing
how you’re feeling today?” he says with a shit-eating
grin on his face. He was one of my “drinking buddies”
last night.

“I’m
feeling fine.”

And I am. I only
stayed for a few hours, making it back to my apartment by eleven PM
and sporting a good buzz. But it was nothing chugging a few glasses
of water before I went to sleep didn’t take care of. I woke up
this morning without a hangover but almost wishing I did.

Because I’m
feeling all kinds of shitty about the way things went down with Mac
last night.

“I’m
about ready to puke,” Rob says with a laugh. “We didn’t
leave until the bartender kicked us out at closing time. Man…
fucking Kylie can put some alcohol away, right?”

I give a half laugh,
half nod of my head, because yeah… she was slamming her drinks
last night. I was not happy to see her when she walked in though, Rob
leaning over toward me saying, “Hope you don’t mind. I
invited Kylie.”

Fuck yeah, I minded.

I minded because I
told Mac this was a guy’s night out and while I might be lying
through my fucking teeth when it comes to my own feelings, at least
when I told her it was a guy’s night out that was the truth. On
top of that, now I was going to have to spend my evening dodging
Kylie’s advances when what I really wanted to do was mope and
drink scotch.

“Man…
she was dancing on top of the tables after you left,” Rob says,
and I shake my head because I had tuned him out. I don’t want
to hear this shit, mainly because I couldn’t give a rat’s
ass about him or Kylie.

But for the sake of
trying to be polite, I chuckle along with him and say, “No
shit?”

Another knock at my
door interrupts us, and I call out, “Come in.”

Mac comes walking
in, and as per my usual regimen when I first see her, I feel the
thrum of my pulse fire up as I check her out. She looks sensational,
of course, but I immediately notice that her lips are drawn flat and
her eyes are ice cold.

Now my pulse really
starts hammering because I know Mac well enough to know… she
is pissed. And I mean, really pissed.

“I need to
talk to you,” she says, while pinning me with a look that says,
And don’t even try to fucking put me off.

I try to put her off
though, because whatever her problem is right now, I just don’t
know if I have it in me to deal with it. “Can this wait until
later? Rob and I were just in the middle of something.” Yeah,
talking about Kylie Wynn getting drunk and dancing on tabletops last
night, but Mac doesn’t need to know that.

Mac closes her eyes
and I can see her lungs drawing in deep breaths, which tells me she’s
on the verge of losing her shit. When she opens her eyes back up
again, they are filled with resolution. “I’m sorry. It’s
urgent.”