Confessions of a Bombshell Bandit (6 page)

I locked my Jeep, climbed the wooden stairs to my apartment, and let myself in, dropping the drugstore package on the kitchen counter. Despite the fact I had to pee like a racehorse, I couldn’t quite get up the courage to take the pregnancy test into the bathroom with me. Somehow now that I was faced with an entire array of IF’s, that test had become scarier than a Wes Craven movie. I mean, what
if
it did turn pink? Did I really want a baby? I looked around my cozy (translation: dinky) studio apartment, filled to max capacity with a fold out-futon and my sketch table. Where the hell would I even put a baby?

I guessed I’d always assumed I’d have kids someday. But even though I was closing in on thirty (and I refuse to say just
how
closely) someday still seemed far, far into the future. When I was more settled, domestic. Married. Oh God, would Richard think I wanted him to marry me? Did I?

I think I was hyperventilating again.

I went to the bathroom, sans stick, then checked my answering machine. No messages. Namely, no Richard. I picked up the receiver and dialed his number, waiting as it rang on the other end. His machine kicked in and I left what I thought was a relatively breezy message, considering the circumstances.

I plopped myself down on the sofa and clicked on the TV, settling for
Seinfeld
reruns while I waited for Richard to return my call. By
Letterman
, I still hadn’t heard from him. Which was annoying and also a little worrisome. He
had
said he’d call me tonight. And it wasn’t like Richard to ignore my messages. I tried not to freak out, instead promising myself I’d take the pregnancy test just as soon as I heard from Richard.

A promise that would soon come back to haunt me.

Chapter Two

Three days later, still no Aunt Flo. And still no Richard.

I was beginning to worry. About Richard, though the unopened pregnancy test on my kitchen counter didn’t help matters. Richard had never ignored my calls like this. Usually he checked his messages every hour on the hour, returning mine with at the very least a text messaged smiley or “hi beautiful.” Only I’d left about a gazillion messages and gotten no smileys back.

I left a second breezy message Saturday morning: Hi, how are you, guess you got too busy to call last night. At lunch I called his office, only to be bumped to voicemail. I held off calling again until almost five, when I then left another message on his voicemail, cell phone, home phone and emailed him a message full of my own smileys and “where are you?”s.

Dana intervened at that point, promising to tie my hands behind my back if I didn’t give the man a little space. She was right. I was beginning to be bunny boiling scary. So, I didn’t call all day Sunday until the time the perky newswomen on the channel two late report came on chatting about a burglary in Reseda and the day’s record highs. Then I left three more messages. Still no answer.

This was really unlike Richard. And try as I might I couldn’t shrug off the feeling that Richard’s commitment radar had somehow picked up on my lateness and he’d headed for the hills.

So, Monday morning my over active-imagination and I woke up determined to track down the MIA boyfriend. I showered, dressed in my favorite jeans, green silk sleeveless top and strappy emerald slingbacks. After a quick turn under the blow dryer and a little requisite lip-gloss, I was ready to go. It was only ten when I parked in the garage down the street from Dewy, Cheatum and Howe, but already the sidewalk was beginning to haze from the heat. Nothing like a smog layer to add a little sizzle to your July.

Two blocks and three homeless guys later, I entered the cool, air-conditioned interior of Richard’s building. Predictably, Jasmine was standing sentinel over the reception area.

“
May I help you?” she asked, looking anything but helpful.

“
I’m here to see Richard.”

“
Do you have an appointment?”

I swear that should be this woman’s epitaph. Here lies Jasmine “do you have an appointment” Williams. May she rest in peace.

“
No. But I’m sure he’ll see me if you’ll just let him know I’m here.”

“
And you are?”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “Maddie Springer. His
girlfriend
.” I emphasized the word.

“
I’m sorry, Miss Springer, but Mr. Howe isn’t in. He’s taking a few personal days. But, I’ll leave a message that you stopped by.” She seemed to take inordinate pleasure in the fact.

“
Why didn’t you just tell me he wasn’t here in the first place?”

Jasmine’s over-sized lips curled into a smile. At least I think it was a smile. Maybe a sneer. “You didn’t ask.”

I took a deep breath. Rationalizing that if I reached over the mahogany desk and scratched her eyes out I might ruin another manicure. “Fine. Did he say where he was going?”

“
I’m sorry,” she said with what was clearly a sneer this time, “but I’m not at liberty to divulge-”

“
Never mind,” I cut her off. I’d already given Jasmine way too much enjoyment today. Instead I spun around, digging my heels into the maroon carpet and stalked off toward the elevator, leaving Jasmine to her solitaire.

Clearly Richard wasn’t at the office. Next stop – his condo.

Richard lived in a two-story condo in Burbank, nestled in a gated community of tall stucco buildings on Sunset Canyon. The condos were all painted a pale taupe that hid dirt and on high smog index days matched the exact color of the air. Richard’s was the third structure on the right.

I parked across the street, thankfully finding a spot on the same block after circling only twice, and clubbed my steering wheel.

I keyed in the entry code on the electronic pad next to the iron gates and made my way through the mini garden courtyard, consisting of yucca trees, leafy green bushes and flowering agapanthus. I paused as I reached Richard’s door, took a deep breath, and stuck my key in the lock.

I was halfway expecting Mafia thugs to jump out at me, or the place to look trashed as if Richard had been dragged away against his will, kicking and screaming, “Wait, just let me return my girlfriend’s call first!”

I was disappointed. The condo looked exactly as it always did. Sleek, black leather sofas were set in the sunken living room, offset by chrome and glass end tables. The alcove kitchen to the right was clean, the green granite counters gleaming as morning sun filtered through the sliding glass doors to the second story balcony.

“
Hello?” I called into the silence. But almost instinctively, I knew I wouldn’t get an answer back. The house had the feel of disuse, the air slightly stale as if the windows hadn’t been cracked in days. Which did nothing to reassure the anxiety building in my belly.

Richard wasn’t here. He wasn’t at the office. I was running out of places to look for him. Was it possible that he’d been called out of town suddenly? Maybe a family emergency? His mother lived alone in Palm Springs, maybe she was sick?

I crossed the room, angling down the narrow hallway that led to the marble tiled bathroom, Richard’s bedroom, and the spare room Richard used as a home office. I opened the office door, gingerly peeking my head in first. No Richard. But the answering machine on his desk was blinking like mad. Feeling just the teeny-tiniest bit intrusive, I pressed the play button.

Would you believe all twelve messages were from me? Yikes. Quickly I erased all but one. There, that sounded more like a rational, sane girlfriend.

I took a quick look around the rest of the office. No plane tickets to the Bahamas, no telegrams saying, “Mom’s sick, come now.” I moved on to the bedroom, my heels echoing on the polished hardwood floor.

Like the rest of the house, the bedroom seemed untouched. The bed was made, the burgundy duvet unwrinkled. The dresser held only the usual bits of clutter: a tin of loose change, pair of old sunglasses, book of matches, packet of vitamins, and two Bic pens. Feeling a little like Colombo I checked the address on the matchbook. It was a club he’d taken me to last week. Drat. So much for my brilliant detective skills.

I opened the top drawer of his dresser. Rows of rolled up socks and Hanes briefs didn’t provide any clue to his whereabouts either. I had a sinking feeling I was just snooping at this point. I searched through the drawer, grimacing as I found a pair of purple argyle dress socks. I opened another drawer. T-shirts and gym shorts. I shuffled them around a bit and came across a pair of neon blue spandex running shorts. Egad! Those had to go. I tossed them in the direction of the wastebasket, sure that Richard would thank me later.

I was just moving on to the pajama drawer when I heard a sound other than my own clucks of disapproval. The sound of the front door opening.

My first thought was that it was Richard and Obsessive Woman was caught red handed. Then I heard something else.

“
Hello? Richard, are you in there?”

I froze. It was a man’s voice, but not Richard’s. Good Lord, what would I do if it was one of his friends? Sure, Richard had given me a key, but not so I could come in while he was gone and inspect his wardrobe. At the risk of forever being labeled “that crazy chick who went through your drawers,” I quickly jumped into Richard’s closet, securing the sliding paneled doors behind me. Just call me the obsessive chicken.

I heard the front door close, footsteps echoing through the condo. Cupboards opened and closed in the kitchen, leather squeaked against leather as I listened to him move cushions on Richard’s sofa.

Footsteps clicked down the hall, then came to an abrupt stop, presumably at the door to Richard’s office. They continued again, dimming as he entered the room. I opened the closet door just a crack and peeked out. I couldn’t see anything. Ever so quietly, I tiptoed to the doorway of Richard’s bedroom. I heard the message machine beep, then my voice filled the condo.

“
Hi, Richard, it’s me. Just wondering what you’ve been up to. I haven’t heard from you in a while. Well, not a while really, but I thought you said you’d call me last night. Not that I was waiting or anything. But maybe you forgot. Or just got really busy. Which I
totally
understand, ‘cause, duh, you’ve got lots of cases and stuff to think about. I mean, not that I think you
don’t
think about me. I’m sure you do. But, you know, you just have a lot on your mind, so I can see why you forgot to call. So, um, anyway, call me when you can. ‘K?”

Oh God, did I really sound like that? No wonder my boyfriend had gone AWOL.

I thought I heard the man chuckle as the machine beeped off Thank God I’d erased the rest of the messages.

I heard the sounds of desk drawers being opened and closed, papers being shuffled. I would swear it sounded like this guy sounded like he was going through Richard’s stuff too. What kind of friend was he? I just hoped he found whatever he was looking for before he got to the bedroom.

No such luck.

Footsteps echoed again, drawing closer. I let out a little “eek” and I jumped back into the closet, quickly closing the sliding door as the footsteps grew louder, entering Richard’s bedroom. I crouched on the floor wedging myself between a pile of winter sweaters and Richard’s Bruno Magli loafers.

I heard the man opening dresser drawers, rummaging like I’d been doing just moments ago. What
was
this guy looking for? My curiosity got the better of me and I eased the closet door open a crack to take a peek at him.

I recognized him almost immediately. The solid frame hunched over Richard’s dresser, the worn jeans, the dark hair. It was the same guy I’d seen with Richard the other day. Mr. Nobody. He was in denim again, this time wearing a black T-shirt, sans jacket as a concession to the heat. The sleeves of his shirt were stretched taut over biceps that bulged like Nerf balls on his arm. I thought I caught the glimpse of a black tattoo just peeking out beneath the hem, but I couldn’t quite make out what it was.

And then I saw it. A gun.

I froze, my eyes glued to the bit of gleaming metal shoved into the waistband of his jeans, the butt flat against his tight stomach. My breath came out in quick shallow gasps, my brain racing to come up with any good reason why a man with a gun should be searching through Richard’s personal belongings.

Mr. Armed and Dangerous mumbled to himself again as he opened Richard’s underwear drawer. I strained my ears to pick up what he was saying.

“
Come on, come on… I know you left something… what the…?” He paused, holding up the pair of purple argyles. He shook his head, making a sound somewhere between a snort and a chuckle, before throwing them back in the drawer. Well, at least the bad man had good taste. I watched as he continued on to the next drawer. “…come on, come on… don’t tell me the sonofabitch packed everything.”

Wait – packed?

My eyes had adjusted to the dark and I looked around the closet at the rows of hanging suits, polos and pressed slacks. Sure enough there were noticeable gaps. I felt my stomach clench up in a way that warned of morning sickness. Missing clothes, missing boyfriend. A man with a gun rummaging through Richard’s underwear drawer. And me crouched in a pile of seasonal sweaters hoping like anything that the dizziness hazing my vision was just fear and not pregnancy hormones. This was not good. I didn’t know what was going on here, but good it definitely was not.