Complete Works, Volume III (10 page)

LENNY.
Make the beds.

MAX.
Scrub the place out a bit.

TEDDY
. Keep everyone company.

SAM
comes forward
.

SAM
(
in one breath
). MacGregor had Jessie in the back of my cab as I drove them along.

He croaks and collapses.

He lies still.

They look at him.

MAX
. What's he done? Dropped dead?

LENNY.
Yes.

MAX
. A corpse? A corpse on my floor? Get him out of here! Clear him out of here!

JOEY
bends over
SAM.

JOEY
. He's not dead.

LENNY.
He probably was dead, for about thirty seconds.

MAX.
He's not even dead!

LENNY
looks down at
SAM.

LENNY.
Yes, there's still some breath there.

MAX
(
pointing at
SAM
). You know what that man had?

LENNY.
Has.

MAX
. Has! A diseased imagination.

Pause.

RUTH.
Yes, it sounds a very attractive idea.

MAX
. Do you want to shake on it now, or do you want to leave it till later?

RUTH.
Oh, we'll leave it till later.

TEDDY
stands
.

He looks down at
SAM.

TEDDY
. I was going to ask him to drive me to London Airport.

He goes to the cases, picks one up.

Well, I'll leave your case, Ruth
.
I'll just go up the road to the Underground.

MAX.
Listen, if you go the other way, first left, first right, you remember, you might find a cab passing there.

TEDDY
. Yes, I might do that.

MAX
. Or you can take the tube to Piccadilly Circus, won't take you ten minutes, and pick up a cab from there out to the Airport.

TEDDY
. Yes, I’ll probably do that.

MAX
. Mind you, they'll charge you double fare. They'll charge you for the return trip. It's over the six-mile limit.

TEDDY
. Yes. Well, bye-bye, Dad. Look after yourself.

They shake hands.

MAX
. Thanks, son. Listen. I want to tell you something. It's been wonderful to see you.

Pause.

TEDDY
. It's been wonderful to see you.

MAX
. Do your boys know about me? Eh? Would they like to see a photo, do you think, of their grandfather?

TEDDY
. I know they would.

MAX
brings out his wallet
.

MAX
. I've got one on me. I've got one here. Just a minute. Here you are. Will they like that one?

TEDDY
(
taking it
). They'll be thrilled.

He turns to
LENNY.

Good-bye, Lenny
.

They shake hands.

LENNY.
Ta-ta, Ted. Good to see you. Have a good trip.

TEDDY
. Bye-bye, Joey
.

JOEY
does not move
.

JOEY
. Ta-ta.

TEDDY
goes to the front door
.

RUTH.
Eddie.

TEDDY
turns.

Pause.

Don't become a stranger.

TEDDY
goes, shuts the front door.

Silence
.

The three men stand.

RUTH
sits relaxed on her chair.

SAM
lies still
.

JOEY
walks slowly across the room
.

He kneels at her chair.

She touches his head, lightly.

He puts his head in her lap
.

MAX
begins to move above them, backwards and forwards
.

LENNY
stands still
.

MAX
turns to
LENNY.

MAX.
I'm too old, I suppose. She thinks I'm an old man.

Pause.

I'm not such an old man.

Pause.

(
To
RUTH.
) You think I'm too old for you?

Pause.

Listen. You think you're just going to get that big slag all the time? You think you're just going to have him . . . you're going to just have him all the time? You're going to have to work! You'll have to take them on, you understand?

Pause.

Does she realize that?

Pause.

Lenny, do you think she understands . . .

He begins to stammer.

What . . . what . . . what . . . we're getting at? What . . . we've got in mind? Do you think she's got it clear?

Pause.

I don't think she's got it clear.

Pause.

You understand what I mean? Listen, I've got a funny idea she'll do the dirty on us, you want to bet? She'll use us, she'll make use of us, I can tell you! I can smell it! You want to bet?

Pause.

She won't
. . .
be adaptable!

  
He begins to groan, clutches his stick, falls on to his knees by the side of her chair. His body sags. The groaning stops. His body straightens. He looks at her, still kneeling.

I'm not an old man.

Pause.

Do you hear me?

He raises his face to her.

Kiss me.

She continues to touch
JOEY’S
head, lightly
.

LENNY
stands, watching
.

Curtain

Tea Party

TEA PARTY
was commissioned by sixteen member countries of the European Broadcasting Union, to be transmitted by all of them under the title,
The Largest Theatre in the World
. It was first presented by B.B.C. Television on 25 March 1965 with the following cast:

A stage version of
TEA PARTY
, in double-bill with the
BASEMENT
, opened at the Duchess Theatre, London, on 17 September 1970, directed by James Hammerstein and produced by Eddie Kulukundis for Knightsbridge Theatrical Productions Ltd, with the following cast:

An electric lift rising to the top floor of an office block.
WENDY
stands in it.

Corridor.

The lift comes to rest in a broad carpeted corridor, the interior of an office suite. It is well appointed, silent. The walls are papered with Japanese silk. Along the walls in alcoves are set, at various intervals, a selection of individually designed wash basins, water closets and bidets, all lit by hooded spotlights.

WENDY
steps out of the lift and walks down the corridor towards a door. She knocks. It opens.

Disson's office. Morning.

DISSON
rising from a large desk. He goes round the desk to meet
WENDY
and shakes her hand
.

DISSON
. How do you do, Miss Dodd? Nice of you to come. Please sit down.

DISSON
goes back to his seat behind the desk
.
WENDY
sits in a chair at the corner of the desk
.

That's right.

He refers to papers on the desk
.

Well now, I've had a look at your references. They seem to be excellent. You've had quite a bit of experience.

WENDY
. Yes, sir.

DISSON
. Not in my line, of course. We manufacture sanitary ware . . . but I suppose you know that?

WENDY
. Yes, of course I do, Mr Disson.

DISSON
. You've heard of us, have you?

WENDY
. Oh yes.

WENDY
crosses her left leg over her right
.

DISSON
. Well, do you think you'd be interested in . . . in this area of work?

WENDY
. Oh, certainly, sir, yes, I think I would.

DISSON
. We're the most advanced sanitary engineers in the country. I think I can say that quite confidently.

WENDY
. Yes, I believe so.

DISSON
. Oh yes. We manufacture more bidets than anyone else in England. (
He laughs
.) It's almost by way of being a mission. Cantilever units, hidden cisterns, footpedals, you know, things like that.

WENDY
. Footpedals?

DISSON
. Instead of a chain or plug. A footpedal.

WENDY
. Oh. How marvellous.

DISSON
. They're growing more popular every day and rightly so.

WENDY
crosses her right leg over her left
.

Well now, this . . . post is, in fact, that of my personal assistant. Did you understand that? A very private secretary, in fact. And a good deal of responsibility would undoubtedly devolve upon you. Would you . . . feel yourself capable of discharging it?

WENDY
. Once I’d correlated all the fundamental features of the work, sir, I think so, yes.

DISSON
. All the fundamental features, yes. Good.

WENDY
crosses her left leg over her right
.

I see you left your last job quite suddenly.

Pause.

May I ask the reason?

WENDY
. Well, it's . . . a little embarrassing, sir.

DISSON
. Really?

Pause.

Well, I think I should know, don't you? Come on, you can tell me. What was it?

WENDY
straightens her skirt over her knees
.

WENDY
. Well, it is rather personal, Mr Disson.

DISSON
. Yes, but I think I should know, don't you?

Pause.

WENDY
. Well, it's simply that I couldn't persuade my chief . . . to call a halt to his attentions.

DISSON
.
What?
(
He consults the papers on the desk
.) A firm of this repute? It's unbelievable.

WENDY
. I'm afraid it's true, sir.

Pause.

DISSON
. What sort of attentions?

WENDY
. Oh, I don't . . .

DISSON
. What sort?

Pause.

WENDY
. He never stopped touching me, Mr Disson, that's all.

DISSON
. Touching you?

WENDY
. Yes.

DISSON
. Where? (
Quickly
.) That must have been very disturbing for you.

WENDY
. Well, quite frankly, it is disturbing, to be touched all the time.

DISSON
. Do you mean at every opportunity?

WENDY
. Yes, sir.

Slight pause.

DISSON
. Did you cry?

WENDY
. Cry?

DISSON
. Did he make you cry?

WENDY
. Oh just a little, occasionally, sir.

DISSON
. What a monster.

Slight pause.

Well, I do sympathize.

WENDY
. Thank you, sir.

DISSON
. One would have thought this
. . .
tampering, this
. . .
interfering
. . .
with secretaries was something of the past, a myth, in fact, something that only took place in paperback books. Tch. Tch.

WENDY
crosses her right leg over her left
.

Anyway, be that as it may, your credentials are excellent and I would say you possessed an active and inquiring intelligence and a pleasing demeanour, two attributes I consider necessary for this post. I'd like you to start immediately.

WENDY
. Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you so much, Mr Disson.

DISSON
. Not at all.

They stand. He walks across the room to another desk.

This'll be your desk.

WENDY
. Ah.

DISSON
. There are certain personal arrangements I'd like you to check after lunch. I'm . . . getting married tomorrow.

WENDY
. Oh, congratulations.

DISSON
. Thanks. Yes, this is quite a good week for me, what with one thing and another.

The telephone rings on his desk.

He crosses and picks it up.

Hullo, Disley. How are you? . . . What? Oh my goodness, don't say that.

Disson’s house. Sitting-room. Evening.

DIANA
. This is my brother Willy.

DISSON
. I'm very glad to meet you.

WILLY
. And I you. Congratulations.

DISSON
. Thank you.

DIANA
(
giving him a drink
). Here you are, Robert.

DISSON
. Thanks. Cheers.

DIANA
. Cheers.

WILLY
. To tomorrow.

DISSON
. Yes.

They drink.

I'm afraid we've run into a bit of trouble.

DIANA
. Why?

DISSON
. I've lost my best man.

DIANA
. Oh no.

DISSON
(
to
WILLY
). My oldest friend. Man called Disley. Gastric flu. Can't make it tomorrow.

WILLY
. Oh dear.

DISSON
. He was going to make a speech at the reception – in my honour. A superb speech. I read it. Now he can't make it.

Pause.

WILLY
. Isn't there anyone else you know?

DISSON
. Yes, of course. But not like him . . . you see. I mean, he was the natural choice.

DIANA
. How infuriating.

Pause.

WILLY
. Well, look, I can be your best man, if you like.

DIANA
. How can you, Willy? You're giving me away.

WILLY
. Oh yes.

DISSON
. Oh, the best man's not important; you can always get a best man – all he's got to do is stand there; it's the speech that's important, the speech in honour of the groom. Who's going to make the speech?

Pause.

WILLY
. Well, I can make the speech, if you like.

DISSON
. But how can you make a speech in honour of the groom when you're making one in honour of the bride?

WILLY
. Does that matter?

DIANA
. No. Why does it?

DISSON
. Yes, but look . . . I mean, thanks very much . . . but the fact is . . . that you don't know me, do you? I mean we've only just met. Disley knows me well, that's the thing, you see. His speech centred around our long-standing friendship. I mean, what he knew of my character . . .

WILLY
. Yes, of course, of course. No, look, all I'm saying is that I’m willing to have a crack at it if there's no other solution. Willing to come to the aid of the party, as it were.

DIANA
. He
is
a wonderful speaker, Robert.

Wedding reception. Private room. Exclusive restaurant
.

DISSON, DIANA, WILLY, DISSON’S PARENTS, DISSON’S SONS. WILLY
is speaking
.

WILLY
. I remember the days my sister and I used to swim together in the lake at Sunderley. The grace of her crawl, even then, as a young girl. I can remember those long summer evenings at Sunderley, my mother and I crossing the lawn towards the terrace and through the great windows hearing my sister play Brahms. The delicacy of her touch. My mother and I would, upon entering the music room, gaze in silence at Diana's long fingers moving in exquisite motion on the keys. As for our father, our father knew no pleasure keener than watching his daughter at her needlework. A man whose business was the State's, a man eternally active, his one great solace from the busy world would be to sit for hours on end at a time watching his beloved daughter ply her needle. Diana – my sister – was the dear grace of our household, the flower, the blossom, and the bloom. One can only say to the groom: Groom, your fortune is immeasurable.

Applause
.
DIANA
kisses him
.

DISSON
shakes his hand warmly
.

TOASTMASTER
. My lords, reverend gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for Mr William Pierrepoint Torrance, who will propose the toast in honour of the groom.

WILLY
turns. Applause
.

WILLY
. I have not known Robert for a long time, in fact I have known him only for a very short time. But in that short time I have found him to be a man of integrity, honesty and humility. After a modest beginning, he has built his business up into one of the proudest and most vigorous in the land. And this – almost alone. Now he has married a girl who equals, if not surpasses, his own austere standards of integrity. He has married my sister, who possesses within her that rare and uncommon attribute known as inner beauty, not to mention the loveliness of her exterior. Par excellence as a woman with a needle, beyond excellence as a woman of taste, discernment, sensibility and imagination. An excellent swimmer who, in all probability, has the beating of her husband in the two hundred metres breast stroke.

Laughter and applause.

WILLY
waits for silence
.

It is to our parents that she owes her candour, her elegance of mind, her
sensibilité
. Our parents, who, though gone, have not passed from us, but who are here now on this majestic day, and offer you their welcome, the bride their love, and the groom their congratulations.

Applause
.
DIANA
kisses him
.